thislonelygirl

I want) A Loving sober trusting husband and father for my kids.
I have) A Mean Untrustworthy Drunk

I want)To communicate With my partner Openly
I have) A non communicative relationship with a Big child

I want)To feel secure
I Have)No security

I want) A happy life
I have) an unhappy pretend to be happy existence

My wants vs What I actually HAVE


Daily i Have to remind myself of this so i can actually get it through my head. There is a difference!!

Today i woke up a bit late and Instead of the tango (Ah coming up with some excuse to leave to drink) he actually is nowhere to be found. so he snuck out of the house and has been gone since(usually if im asleep he will be loud enough i wake or he will kiss me and tell me he's leaving...to try and make it seem innocent and so i am not mad lol). anyhow It hits me Oh yes he has iop today right? (wait when is it again?) I do NOT call ah. I do NOT text him. I do nothing. I Honestly cannot remember what he had to do today IF ANYTHING. instead of trying to figure out if he's being productive or if he is just out having the time of his life drinking. I do nothing and instead i detach detach detach and Tell myself its non of my business, It is him not me and Reminding myself that what i want is different than what i have. reminding myself this is who he is. what it is. Detach detach detach.

Raider

It hate to say this. But, if you didn't want what you have in your life, you would change it. (Please don't slap the snot out of me).

I don't mean to be harsh. I am sorry you are in this mess. Praying for you and your kids.

thislonelygirl

Your right raider .
The thing is i don't want what i have....Trust me NOBODY would. I want the idea of what it could be. Not what it actually is. Difference between the want and the have.
I See it as it is and then like a fool fall right back into it because things are ok.....because i want it to be ok....that stupid little thing called hope;

Raider

I know you don't want it, but it's easier to keep it than to change it. Forget hope. Take care of you and your kids. He has to take care of himself.

suki44883

I heard something to the effect of...We stay in discomfort because it is more comfortable than the unknown. I know I screwed that up royally, but it came to mind when I read your post.

When I was in detox, at one of the classes I went to, someone said...there is a reason your windshield is so big and your rear view mirror is so small. It's because you need to pay attention to what is ahead, rather than what you have left behind. That may sound trite, but it really resonated with me.

wifeofanACoA

thislonelygirl - I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I know what it is like to hold onto the hope that something will give, something will change, if I just hold on a little bit longer.. something, anything!... is bound to become something better.

From the many people who have told me and I pass along to you:
- NO ONE changes if they do not want to.

You deserve better.

DoubleBarrel

I think that if you exchange the word want with the word deserve, you can see a path to getting in a better place.

You DO deserve all of that. And more.

thislonelygirl

Thanks everyone. Ah finally came back from wherever it is he went. I didn't ask. clearly he had been drinking and Eventually after about an hr home passed out. Funny that him coming home after not seeing him all day and passing out makes me happy but it does! I enjoy the drama free bs and i can actually go to bed! So that is what I am going to do. I enjoyed every Comment. I completely agree It should be deserve NOT want. Clearly ah Wants to Drink too and No i cannot change that. I can only change myself! So why is it harder to make the changes i know i need too? UGH!

csd

i never know if im going to say the right thing or the wrong thing here, but I think now, if we dont want, what we have, we need to move on and find what we need. nothing is ever handed to us in life. We have to go get it ourselves. That may mean being lonely, but that doesnt last as long as you think it does. And we are never really lonely.

cause lately I have been a complete search quote freak.


I've been single for a while and I have to say.
Its going very well.

Like its working out.

I think I'm the one.

and

Dont give up what you want most.
For what you want now.

honeypig

This is a big one for me, and not just as it relates to the A in my life, either. Thanks for reminding us, csd.

Hopeworks

My name is Hopeworks and in order to keep any dream alive one must have hope. Used to hope for my XA and our blissful future sans alcohol. I was the ultimate believer that if I worked hard enough, believed enough, loved enough and even controlled enough NOTHING could stop the happy ending.

It's hard to admit I was wrong and the reality was my actions delayed my XA finding his own way out of alcoholism. Why bother? I did all the actions and decision making. I did not detach and I enabled big time.

So... now I realize that if wishes were horses we would all be riding today! When I finally accepted that he was NOT going to change under my watch I sent him out into the cold world to fend for his alcoholic self and he eventually found his own way out. Years later... but he did all by his lonesome because he had to... everyone had detached. Now his recovery and sobriety MEAN something because he had to fight and claw for it himself and it became life or death.

I think some of us, me especially don't want to know the truth because it means they are out of our life if we set firm boundaries and make decisions and the hard changes. I lost him but he found himself and maybe this was the most sacrificial loving thing we can do... let them go to either choose life or death or even someone else if that is their choice who lets them drink or enables.

Change is hard and it sets off an avalanche of chemicals in our brain to stop us from breaking up with our partner. Everything within you screams no except your logic and wisdom that grows as each day passes with no relief from the pain of loving an A.

One step at a time... one day at a time. More will be revealed and eventually we get a new pair of glasses to see the "reality" instead of the hopes and dreams that are just mirages in the distance.

Hammer

Did not really know who to do a response to on all this, but Double Barrel caught my eye because a couple weeks back we had a conversation regarding the time healing takes.

Between the time we get Awareness/Acknowledge/Acceptance, then Detach, and set our Boundaries (all of which are pretty much just the start of Getting Better), and the time we work through the Program -- there can be quite a spread of time.

Reason I am picking on Double Barrel -- he had provided an Excellent perspective of what it looks like from the "other" side -- the A side. 10 months sober and working the program, and was pondering why the household side of things was not getting all better -- it appeared to be that his sort of blind spot was the 10 years or so drunk was not some how erased by 10 months sober.

I follow thislonelygirl is not even up to the point of a SO trying (or maybe just trying to fake) sober. Long road ahead. Be easy on yourself. So prayers for DB and his family, and thislonelygirl, too. For healing, for better days, and maybe at this point mostly patience.

Ruby2

Hi thislonelygirl,

When you posted that you were glad he went quietly to pass out so that you didn't have to deal with the b.s. it really resonated with me. I feel that way a lot. When AH is off on his sprees it is a lot more peaceful around the house. Same with when he is passed out.

At this point I don't know what I would do if he started to actively participate in family life and I am sort of scared that he actually might if that makes any sense at all because that is what we want, right? But I am so hurt and angry at the moment that I fear actually having to work on our pretty non existent relationship and facing things that I may have done, or accepting that even sober he is not a good fit. I don't want to have to dig into the heap of anger, fear and resentment that I have wrapped myself into.

I will try to follow your lead on detachment. Hang in there. Hugs. And I hope I didn't hijack here. Your comment really resonated and brought up stuff I have been pondering for a few days.

Hugs.

FireSprite

Wow. So simple, so easy, so true.

This is exactly what I am needing to hear today & I didn't even know I was looking for it when I found it here.

AnvilheadII

So why is it harder to make the changes i know i need too? UGH!

my fave saying: There are no problems, only RESISTANCE. it's not the changing that is hard, it's the resistance to the notion OF change, which is all just mental gymnastics. you've been sitting there for a long time HOPING HE WOULD do the changing and then all would be well. and that ain't working so grand. we call abdicating responsibility.....he will and i won't have to. which was in hindsight a poor plan since HE has another agenda entirely.

so, new plan. hitch up yer big girl panties and get busy. you get one shot at this thing called life...only so many sunrises, so many springtimes. the universe is willing to share it's abundance with abandon, but you have to say YES first.

atalose

We change for two reasons: Either we have learned enough and we want to, or we’ve been hurt enough and we have to.

When your pain of staying becomes greater then your pain of leaving – you’ll do what is best for you.

If you stick around here long enough, you’ll learn enough so that maybe you’ll want to change.

PS: It’s always great to have hope – but hope is NOT A PLAN.

thislonelygirl

Thanks . I feel like i need the kick in the butt sometimes so it really helps when i come here and get that. Just a nice reminder that I am responsible for me. It's so easy to curl up and surrender. i just need to remember that I have so much more to do for me AND my kids. There are so many quotes and advice/wisdom everyone has shared. I thoroughly enjoyed them all.

hmbld

You can have all of your wants. Just not with an alcoholic or an addict. I never thought I would be able to say it about my life, but I can take what you've said as far as "I have" to state "I had" and correlate your wants to what "I have". For example:

(I had) A mean untrustworthy drunk
(I have) a sober trusting partner and father for my kids

It is my hope that you are there someday and you most certainly can. You just need to have the courage and the faith in yourself to break free from the horrible situation you are in.

It doesn't happen overnight and it takes so much work to regain (or in some instances discover) who you are at your core. Accept your weaknesses and find your strengths and build yourself into someone who will not accept the treatment that you are currently getting.

You deserve better and you know it. Keep going girl and get what you want and stop accepting what you have that makes you so unhappy.