Walkaboutout

Hey all. I'm new to this site as a poster, but have lurked before. I need to tell you a brief story. Mostly I just need to say it. If someone wants to tell me that I'm not crazy I'd greatly appreciate that. But the truth is, I know I'm not, but the guilt and the heartbreak remain.

So, I have an alcoholic girlfriend. She's struggled all her life with it. We're both 34. I've been seeing her for about a year, and I've known and spoken with her much longer than that.

She is going through a very hard time right now. Her family loves and cares about her but they've spent some 15 years dealing with her, and trying to help her. It's come to my attention that they, after going to AlAnon for some time, have finally realized that they need to become hands off, let her hit rock bottom, and seek the help she needs herself. I mention this because, while that's the truth of things, I'm not sure they will RECOGNIZE her rock bottom, just because of lots of other issues that they have themselves. That scares me, but it's how it is, and it's what has to be done.

Enter me. I didn't realize the depth of her issue until a few months back. She was okay, until an ex boyfriend appeared one night and beat her. I unfortunately work in some 6 hours north, so I'm not always around, and wasn't there when that happened. All the details aside, you can guess that she picked up the bottle to try and cope with the trauma. It's been a nightmare ever since.

She's come to a point now where she'll be losing her apartment soon, she'll be losing her job soon, and, since she got herself a DUI a month ago and it's another DUI of several within 10 years, she'll soon be headed to jail. So, her life is a mess. And by extension, I suffer with her. We haven't been together long in the scheme of things but I love her and care deeply.

I have a brother with this disease. And a best friend who also has a brother with it. So I know something of it, though I would never say I'm an expert. So I've been walking a very fine line, trying to provide only small or emotional help for her and encouragement. I don't, and cannot, be the person who enables further behavior by doing things that I thought would help her. We all know, I'm sure, how that manages to go horribly wrong.

She's now at a point, though facing jail time here soon, where she wants to get better, wants to beat this horrible disease this time. I have, over the past weeks, taken a big step back, because I had to. As mentioned above, I tried to help only where I could that I thought would not enable her and make things worse, but I don't think I've helped ultimately. So, because of that, as I just said in the past couple weeks I've very much stepped back and refused to do anything. Not to mention I'm out of money and good will at my job when it comes to time off, and so I CAN'T help, even if I want to.

It's so hard to know if the current cry of "I want help" is the real thing, or just some sort of lament they use to keep a person around, and to continue the behavior. So, if I get to the relevant point here it's this. She wanted help. She even named a rehab facility she wanted to go to. I did my best to call them and arrange that, but I'm finding that I can't do a thing, because they want to talk to her only. I scrambled all night and all morning to do all I could, and in the end, it came down to all I could get, was two phone numbers. My girlfriend now needs to call those numbers to further this process.

I've given her the numbers. I don't what she'll do. But after scrambling all night and all morning, and after the overall experience itself in the months since she got assaulted, I feel like I've done everything I could, and come up short. I tried so hard not to make the situation worse, while giving her love and support both about what happened with the assault, and in helping her with the drinking she fell back in to. But I just can't do anymore. I'm literally at my wit's, and material resource's, end. And I fear that however careful I tried to be, I've made it worse. That her family, despite some of the wrong reasons behind it, are doing the right thing, and I'm, in fact, the one that may have prolonged this mess right now. I don't think that's the case, but it is my fear.

So now, I can do no more. But what do I do when she cries to me? She will. She'll beg me not to give up on her, or leave her, and I won't emotionally or in my heart, but I quite literally can't help her in a physical material way now. I feel so horrible. I feel so guilty. I love her so much, and her pain breaks my heart, but there truly is nothing more I can do. I want to, but I can't for all the reasons I've said above.

I don't know, however, how I can do this. Her pain is crushing me. I'm afraid that this is her rockbottom, and all she needs is something simple, like say encouragement to call the numbers for these facilities she wants to get to, and I won't be able to provide it, or I'll not provide it out of sheer exhaustion. But I know that won't help, because in the end, if she wants help, she'll make the simple phone calls.

What do you folks think? I know I've left out the important details and given a very long-winded overview of all of this, but it's all I could do to type it out. I'm so worn out, and I love her very much, and I just don't know how to move forward for her, or for myself when it comes to the heartbreak. Anyone's thoughts would be appreciated greatly.

DoubleBarrel

You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself.

There are quite a few codependent things in your post, and while I know how much it hurts, there is nothing you can do.

This MIGHT be her bottom, but she might continue on for twenty more years. You need to decide what you will tolerate.

I broke up with an alcoholic girl over 20 years ago. She was gorgeous, talented, funny, intelligent, loved me to death, and when she drank would get abusive, attack me, even hurt herself.

Over the years, she experienced sexual abuse, knocked out her teeth, crashed her car, on and on.

In retrospect, I thought (arrogantly) that when we broke up, that might be her bottom.

Years later she got her 5th OWI with a child in the car and went to prison. A college educated former model and business professional.

After she got out, she contacted me. I wanted to see how she was doing. She was still drunk.

You didnt cause it, you cannot control it. You can be there for her if she gets into recovery, but as long as she is on this path, all she can do is drag you down with her.

Guilt is pointless here. She is holding all the cards regarding what happens to her.

suki44883

I agree with DB. You've done enough and now it's time to take care of yourself. If she wants help so much, why were you the one scrambling around all night and all morning? If she wants help, she needs to be the one to do the scrambling. If and when she does, then maybe you can consider taking her cry for help seriously.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If communication with her is bothering you that much, you might consider either blocking her number on your phone or arranging so any calls from her go directly to voice mail. Just as she needs to be the one to take care of herself, YOU need to do the same for yourself.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.

Walkaboutout

If you're willing and have the energy, you can point out some of the co-dependency stuff. I know there's things there, and I know for the most part where I fail for my part when it comes to that, but it always helps to have an unbiased observer point a thing or two out. Like I said, only if you can stand to spend the energy on writing it.

Thank you both for your responses.

lillamy

Codependent red flag #1: You're expecting them to figure out when she hits rock bottom and come help her out. No. That's her job. Nobody else can do it for her.

Codependent red flag #2: Nobody falls back into drinking. You choose to pick up a bottle.

Codependent red flag #3: You try to arrange everything for her -- you even stay up all night trying to arrange things for a person who is an adult, who knows where she wants to go, and presumably knows how to use a phone.

Just typing that quickly and don't mean it to sound harsh -- but those were three red flags that stood out to me, a fellow stumbling codie on this dang road we're on.

blake1989

Hey Walkabout...I hear myself a lot in your post. A lot of codependent things that I have going on. It's like a cognitive change I am trying to engineer in myself. We don't have exactly the same situation (my girlfriend doesn't seem to want help because she thinks she's doing great), but I understand where you're coming from. We're the same age. And my girlfriend's been drinking about half her life too. People have tried to help her, but she believes she knows the 'tricks of the trade' since she's a nurse.

What I have learned since I got here and into therapy is that I have taken on my girlfriend's pain and trauma as my own. And I sense you are doing a lot of what I have been doing. My girlfriend endured years of physical and sexual violence, the likes of which I had only known of from television. She carries this pain with her constantly, and when I learned about it, I started treating her with kid gloves even more than I had. And I would tear up just thinking about it.

I guess the reason I'm here, the reason I read things here, is I have felt powerless, crushed and destroyed just like you. I am a bit more detached from the bouts of crying. I let her cry to me if it happens. Her pain is not mine as much as it was. If I really am a 'loved one' and a 'significant other', that's all I can do is listen. I know I can't help her, and I can't make her call any numbers. I can work my best to be supportive without enabling (still working on figuring this out). And I guess that's why the 3 C's have the power they have for me.

I used to be so confused when people said 'you need to work on yourself now'. I still need people to tell me that. But I think you've done so much. And I've done a lot of scrambling for my own gf in different ways. My therapist helped me realize I was scrambling for her and not for myself.

Walkaboutout

Thank you for the reply Blake. It does indeed sound like we're very much in a similar place, both with the girl, and with where we ourselves are. For example, the "knowing the tricks" thing. While my girlfriend is not a nurse, she does very often think she knows how something is going to go, without doing something.

It sounds like you've made some good progress on your situation, and I hope I can manage to get to the same point. It's such a rocky road to be on, and can be so hard to choose to get off of it where you can. Thank you again.

AnvilheadII

So, I have an alcoholic girlfriend. She's struggled all her life with it. We're both 34. I've been seeing her for about a year, and I've known and spoken with her much longer than that.

walkabout, let me ask you this....why do YOU feel guilty for not being able to solve a problem she has had all her life? how in this relationship did it become YOUR role to FIX her?

healthy relationships do not involve one party attempting to fix, cure or heal the other. codependent ones DO.

she is 34 years old. full grown adult. making a series of poor choices. if SHE wants help, SHE can get help. open ANY phone book, flip to addiction and there you go. she could haul herself off to an AA meeting. if she was in half the pain YOU FEEL FOR HER, she'd be motivated to change. do not fool yourself thinking you know or can predict what someone else's "rock bottom" looks like. it is different and unique to every addict. some don't need to hit rock bottom. for some it might be the loss of a job, loss of a license, boyfriend, or it may be just one day getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. nothing dramatic, or awful, no burning bush or wrapping the car around a telephone pole.

SHE has to want to get better. and then get off her duff and go about the business getting better. i'm sure between you and your family the suggestion of treatment or rehab or meetings or recovery of some sort HAS already been mentioned. at least once?

hands off the addict. you've supplied her with numbers, you've backed off and now it is up to her. mind you, she might NOT be ready. that is the painful to watch part. if she isn't, if she keeps drinking, then what? for YOU? even with the special fencing and protection, people with the front row seats at nascar can get hurt pretty badly if there is a wreck right in front of them.

Walkaboutout

You're absolutely right about each of these, harsh or not. I clearly need to think hard on what I have been, and am, doing.

CarryOn

This is painful...I pulled out all the points I thought were codependent (takes one to know one ).

Learn the Three C's - You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. You are not responsible for your AGF, she is. Her family is not responsible for her either.

It's not up to us to tell you you are crazy or not, it is not up to you or her family to recognize AGF's rock bottom (you probably won't know it anyway), it's not up to you to protect her from her ex, it's not up to you to get her started in rehab, it is not up to you to put your physical/emotional/mental/financial well being on the line to support her. She is draining you.

The only way that you can "help" her at this point is to take care of yourself. Really take the time now to learn about alcoholism and its effects on the family. Learn about codependency (check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie). Try out some AlAnon meetings (six to be specific), which may help you understand why her family has come to the decision they have. Focus on yourself - who are you? How are you? What do you enjoy in life? Are you enjoying your life? All you can do is take care of yourself...you have to let AGF take care of herself. Time to get out of her way.

Keep reading & posting here. We've been there - some very close to your own situation - and we help by sharing our Experience, Strength, & Hope.

NWGRITS

If/when SHE hits her bottom and chooses recovery, you will know. She will walk the talk, and nobody will be moving her feet for her. She is a grown woman capable of doing everything for herself. I couldn't sit back and watch my family make over my 65-year-old overgrown baby of a mother, so I had to cut off contact. There were some other events that led to that decision, but ultimately, it was what was best for ME and my children. My AM has been drinking for 30+ years. She's had several health scares, fallen down the stairs and broken her nose, had a breakdown and landed in a psych ward, lost her job due to embezzling funds, and stolen thousands of dollars from her own mother. She hasn't gone to jail or gotten a DUI yet. Point being, she's still trucking along with the bottle in hand. This shell of a person who was once respected by her peers in a very high-ranking civil service position, with 31 years of service. She had to retire. It was either that or be let go because near the end she didn't make it to work three out pf five days in the week. Anyway, everyone has a different bottom. Some are high bottoms (like me. I started a dance with self-destruction and then got pregnant. That was it for me.), some are low bottoms. There's nothing we can do for either type.

DoubleBarrel

The items in bold are of great concern to me.

Another thing, and I really am reluctant to bring this up.

You have been with her for about a year. Ex boyfriends don't just "show up" and beat people up. You sort of glossed over that detail. Not knowing much more than that, combined with the fact that shes an alcoholic and you live six hours away give me pause.

I'd just move on. Too much drama given the time you have invested.

Your overwhelming feelings for someone you really DON'T know that well look more like codependency than anything else.

Best wishes to you. I suspect in retrospect you will see this more clearly and be happy to get out when you did.

FireSprite

ITA - we have a saying around here that I'm sure you've run across a time or 3. "More will be revealed" and I think this is a perfect case where I'd expect to hear "more...." unless there is some specific stalker type of behavior between them where he just "popped" up unbeknownst to her.

Agree, agree, agree... Like, like, like all that everyone else has already posted regarding codependency, etc. I think you already know the logical answer for yourself but your heart & emotions are all tied up in knots. (personal experience speaking here)

You might have also seen posts that reference how a person can be staying sober but not actually making the necessary changes to stop their addictive personality from ruling their decision making..... don't negate the fact that she could have been "dry" but still not sober & healthy.

lillamy

Wow. Yes. Truth. And it actually helped me today, four years out of an A marriage. Holy moly. Lifted the guilt right off my shoulders.

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You're right to step back. If she wants to make the phone calls she will. You've done all you can. I know it doesn't help the guilt and pain right now, but it's all up to her.

Wishing you much love and healing.

Ruby2

I feel for the fact that you are hurting but you are doing far too much for this woman. Step back and step away and take care of yourself. She may be in pain but it doesn't seem she is enough pain to actually want to quit drinking. You, therefore, are taking her pain upon yourself and allowing her to continue on her path of self destruction by lessening her load.

Ask yourself if you are trying to be the knight in shining armor in this situation. I know I tried an "I know best/better than all of them what is good for him" with my AH. It didn't work. Alcoholics have a way of shooting themselves in the foot. I should know as I am also an alcoholic, working, struggling at day 7 after a relapse, to stay sober. You could do everything in the world for her but she will just take more and take you for granted.

My husband is an alcoholic/addict. He got fired today from his job because he was no call/no show at work on Friday. He had stayed sober through the weekend after that and even attended a meeting. Or so he said. "I'll never do that again." So he suffers the consequences of his actions and what does he do? Lights out to get messed up. Doing again the thing that got him fired. Makes a lot of sense, right. Not. Logic and common sense don't apply.

You did what you could by giving her numbers to call. It is now up to her to make those calls. Anything more you do will be too much. She has to put on her big girl panties and make the call herself.

Impurrfect

I'm coming on this thread as a former RN (I knew all ABOUT addiction) who got into a codependent relationship that lasted for more than 20 years and I was a raging codependent. Instead of dealing with that knowledge, I became an addict to numb myself from the pain.

I've been clean for almost 6 years. My stepmom was an A (addict) and I kept telling her she was going to kill herself with all the pills. Nov. 7th, I woke to find her on the floor...and cold. I attempted CPR but soon realized it wasn't doing any good.

I could have been her. I know all there is to know about addiction, but I couldn't change her.

The best thing I can do, is take care of ME. Yes, I am also helping out other family members who are grieving, but I HAVE to take care of me.

I did what I could, she didn't want to recover. I know she didn't do it on purpose, but she's still gone.

When *I* hit bottom? My dad, stepmom and other family members knew it by my actions. I didn't choose rehab (couldn't afford it) but I worked, I paid my dad back all the money he loaned me when I relapsed, and I did what I said I would do.

If she wants recovery, she will do what she needs to do. My dad once offered to pay for rehab, for me, but I knew I wasn't ready. It took jail, fines, financial and career disasters for me to hit bottom.

Take care of you. You can't do recovery for her. She either wants it or she doesn't, and her actions will speak loudly.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

BlueSkies1

When and if she wants recovery you won't have to do anything to help her.
She'll simply step up to the plate and hit the home run for her own life.
Not words.
Actions.

wifeofanACoA

Being in a difficult situation for so long myself and being so invested I can only strongly give a word of advice:

Let go.

If you were standing on a chair and she were standing on the floor is it easier for you to pull her up or her to pull you down?

Let go.
In hindsight I wish I had never gotten in so deep because now it's beyond difficult to let go.

csd

just my 2 cents, DB pretty much answered for me.
What stood out more was the ( I dont know how to add quotes sorry) they wont know when her rock bottom is??????.
Mate, Its noones job to Know when someone elses rockbottom is, and bless them for going to alanon and reaching their own peace, if u want to stay with her, do the same. its just not your job.
I know this, because im about 7 months ahead of you, im 41, was with my exagf for a year. I know exactly where you are.
As for the other one DB said, trust your instincts, because I damn well know now I wish I had of listened to mine. As he said EXBF dont just show up. Fortunately for me, my exag cheated on me and I found out, thats the best thing she ever did for me, cause had she not, I would still be by her side now.
Im not saying yours is or has or anything. Just trust your instincts. Cause you dont know they were right until its too late.