Croissant

DoubleBarrel, very delicately put, but a very important point.

Walkabout, I noticed this also. Living 6 hours away, I suspect (and I say this respectfully), you may not know the breadth of the alcohol abuse, or even the situation you are getting into here.

You also mention her family don't want to talk to you about it, only her and you feel you may have made things worse?

I suspect (and again, I could be wrong), they are done with it all and she needs to either find her own way or face the consequences. I have a half sister who has huge drinking issues and we've seen her try to manipulate countless men to save her when our family refuses to engage with her craziness.

Get well and leave her to find her own path.

Be well.

m1k3

Walkabout out, you have gotten some really good advice here from people who know exactly what you are going through.

I'm just going to put a slightly different spin on this. What gives you the right to decide for her how she should live her life? That choice belongs to her and only her. She is an adult and has the right to choose how to live her life.

Your friend,

Walkaboutout

First of all, I want to thank everyone for taking the time to talk with me. Everything everyone has said has been heartfelt advice, from people who know these situations, and mean well. I've thought hard on everything that has been said, and agree with most all of it.

As to the details asked, about things such as the ex boyfriend. That wasn't a situation where he just showed up. It had a clear series of events that landed them in the same place at the same time, and turned ugly fast.

That said, it's a moot point now it would seem. I am writing this just to update any who want to read what happened. It would seem, she's made her choice, and to all of us that truly love her and care about her, I think she's now lost to us. At least right now, and maybe a long time to come.

Since we last talked, since I gave her the numbers to call, and begged her to take the step, she has since decided to go deeper into the rabbit hole . I don't have details because her phone has been off since the last thing she texted me. She said she was going into one of the facilities, didn't specify. That was Tuesday night. I didn't press for details at the moment, I just offered support that it was good, and that things will be better. Since then, her phone has been off, and I've not been able to get info (as expected) from any facility as to whether she was there.

So, I broke down and texted her roommate and her roommate informed me that, since Tuesday night, she's been drinking heavily, and that her roommate has been staying away as much as she could. I don't accurate it all is, because I don't really know her roommate well. But, from what I'm hearing, she's been drinking heavily and spending a lot of time with a guy from work who I strongly suspect has many addict problems as well. It was someone that, allegedly anyways, she only knew from work...well...suffice it to say, he's apparently become the path to whatever she needs to feed her addiction. I'm sure that includes all the horrible things a boyfriend never wants to hear, on top of this horrible disease.

So like I said. I think she's lost to us all right now (perhaps always has been). Because, as all have said here, the three C's. What more can I say? I'm heartbroken in so many ways I don't know what to do. I guess I pick up and move on, right? Maybe I should count myself lucky I don't have to deal with it anymore. I was already feeling that way in many regards; that I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Again though, in the end, I never had any say over what she would or wouldn't do anyways. All that is just an illusion, especially when dealing with addiction. The only person with control is her, and she's made a clear choice apparently.

Part of me feels like I pushed her down the hole when I told her I couldn't do anything more for her right now except give her the numbers to call. Like she took that as me giving up, or abandoning her, and she figured, "What the hell, let's get worse!" But I know that isn't true. The truth is she was either using me for whatever she could get out of me at that point, while keeping God know's what from me, or what we had was honest (as I believe it was), and she was really just waiting for an excuse to feel like she just NEEDED to drink her troubles (her life?) away. With or without an excuse, she would have done so anyways of course. Because, in the end, we're right back to the three C's for me in this.

She just doesn't want help. I feel empty right now, but I guess time heals everything. I have to move on now, that's clear.

Thank you again all, for talking with me in this time of need.

lillamy

That hurts. I know. Many of us know. You're OK. Being a compassionate loving person is not a character flaw. Many of us turned into codependents because we met someone who abused our compassionate nature.

Take care of yourself. Keep hanging out here and talking.

BlueSkies1

Well don't get too bereft.

You do know she'll be back, right?

Yep. Her game is still on.

Back sniffing around looking for more of the same enablement.

Not an IF she will be back, it's a When. The only clear cut decision she made was alcohol. It wasn't a rejection of you, it was a choice between a rock and a hard place.

Walkaboutout

Okay, I need a little bit of help here. Or rather, just reinforcement. Let me say that I know what I have to do, but I think I need to hear some people here, who have been through this, perhaps from either side, say it to me so I have the strength to do it.

I have turned off the phone and won't speak with her, but she did send an email. Her court date is coming up, and she's likely going to really take a beating at it. She is out of her apartment come the end of next week.

She said how scared she is, and asked if she could stay with me. If I thought, come the day of court, that I'd be able to take her back to where she is now and to court, I might be more tempted than I am, but I just can't imagine she'd go willingly at that point (for lack of a better description).

Everything inside me says to let her meet silence right now. To do and say nothing, and let her own this mess of a situation she's in. But even now, after all the crap, my heart goes out to her. Part of me wants to help very badly, but I think I know how futile that is, and how detrimental that would be to her ever making the choice to get out of this mess. Part of me says contact a lawyer at the least for when she goes to court. Another part says no, that's not right. If I do anything there, I should only go so far as to ask the lawyer to contact her, and put it on her plate. Lead a horse to water and all.

Maybe all I have here is a selfish dillemma. Am I just trying to spare my own conscience in this? Or do I really care for her? I think some of all of that. There's just so much crap bouncing around in my brain, I'm not sure my decision making process is completely trustworthy at the moment.

Walkaboutout

And yes, I do know, there are lots of possible dependence red flags waving here of my own. As all of you have said and pointed out, and as I suspected or knew myself before finding this place of support, I have my own major issues to sort through. I just...wanted to say that I'm not at all ignorant that this current dillemma, or what feels like one to me, is of my own making, in large part. Her problems are hers and mine are, well, mine. It's just strange how those things manage to intertwine sometimes.

Hawkeye13

Walkabout, you are a kind and compassionate person and that's why you want to help her.
But the help really isn't help. It is enabling and you are just helping her prolong her addiction as long as she has a way to keep it going.

I do not think under any circumstances you should even consider letting her into your home, nor do I think you should even respond to her message or drive her to court.
Let her buddy from work do that, or her room mate, or let her take a taxi.
She had dug this hole, and for her own sake as well as yours, she needs to face the consequences of the situation for there to be any real hope for change.

I strongly urge you to consider going No Contact with her at this time. I think others who have dealt with addicts will back me up on this. I once let one back in the door for the same reasons you express, and all I got was another six months of hell, him cheating on me, worse addiction and explosions, and it also cost me a lot of money I didn't have. I'm not at all unique in this, but if I could go back in time, I would have left him to his own path and not tried to do the "kind" thing by helping out yet again.

Good luck and honestly, you sounds like a real catch for someone who will appreciate what a wonderful person you are. Clear the decks and be ready for that.