OT: May I vent for a moment?
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OT: May I vent for a moment?
I know the only actions, thoughts and feelings we can control are our own. This is something I need to work on today. One of the WFS statements is: "problems bother me only to the degree that I permit them to." This isn't even a problem, just an annoyance, but it is really bothering me.
My sister and I have a strained relationship at times and she is practically peeing herself over seeing my ex-husband on her trip to California, posting on Facebook about how excited she is to see her "favorite ex-brother-in-law", etc....my mom and two of my aunts are joining in the love fest, talking about going out to visit him. Her husband works for Google and he's there on business, so it's not like she took the trip specifically to see my ex, but she's still always going on about how she misses him and he's her favorite, blah blah blah. We were divorced six years ago. I really don't mind if they're friends but I don't want to hear about it.
He said and did a lot of hurtful things after we were divorced, and took it upon himself to talk badly about me to some of my family members. My mom is well aware of how I feel about the issue but she was still commenting, saying she'd like to come out to SF and see him. WTH?
I know there will never be any sensitivity when it comes to this issue. I guess what also irritates me is that my sister called me about it before she left because my mom told her to let me know so I wouldn't be blindsided. I can't tell a grown adult what to do so I said it was fine but I didn't think they'd all be gushing over him, posting pictures....etc.
He's not a bad guy, really, but it just BUGS THE @#$% OUT OF ME!!!!! I know my sister's not being deliberately hurtful (but I do think she's trying to get my goat in a way.) She's the queen of making underhanded nasty comments as a "joke". I always ignore them and I know it pisses her off. Lol. I want to make a snarky comment so badly but I am restraining myself.
I don't want to go to her house for Thanksgiving now. I have two invitations from friends so I don't have to if I don't want to. Hell, I'd rather stay home at this point.
I'm trying really hard to let it go. I need to breathe. I think some yoga and meditation are in order.
Have a great day!
My sister and I have a strained relationship at times and she is practically peeing herself over seeing my ex-husband on her trip to California, posting on Facebook about how excited she is to see her "favorite ex-brother-in-law", etc....my mom and two of my aunts are joining in the love fest, talking about going out to visit him. Her husband works for Google and he's there on business, so it's not like she took the trip specifically to see my ex, but she's still always going on about how she misses him and he's her favorite, blah blah blah. We were divorced six years ago. I really don't mind if they're friends but I don't want to hear about it.
He said and did a lot of hurtful things after we were divorced, and took it upon himself to talk badly about me to some of my family members. My mom is well aware of how I feel about the issue but she was still commenting, saying she'd like to come out to SF and see him. WTH?
I know there will never be any sensitivity when it comes to this issue. I guess what also irritates me is that my sister called me about it before she left because my mom told her to let me know so I wouldn't be blindsided. I can't tell a grown adult what to do so I said it was fine but I didn't think they'd all be gushing over him, posting pictures....etc.
He's not a bad guy, really, but it just BUGS THE @#$% OUT OF ME!!!!! I know my sister's not being deliberately hurtful (but I do think she's trying to get my goat in a way.) She's the queen of making underhanded nasty comments as a "joke". I always ignore them and I know it pisses her off. Lol. I want to make a snarky comment so badly but I am restraining myself.
I don't want to go to her house for Thanksgiving now. I have two invitations from friends so I don't have to if I don't want to. Hell, I'd rather stay home at this point.
I'm trying really hard to let it go. I need to breathe. I think some yoga and meditation are in order.
Have a great day!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I would look at the underlying causes of why this bothers you. You cut him loose 6 years ago and what your family does or doesn't do is none of your concern. It sounds like your sister is toxic to you so I would stay away from her. I have found toxic relationships are just not worth the effort even if they are family
Resentments are like you taking rat poison to get rid of the rats. They do no harm to the other person but they do a tremendous amount of harm to you. Honestly look at your part in the resentment take ownership and move on
Resentments are like you taking rat poison to get rid of the rats. They do no harm to the other person but they do a tremendous amount of harm to you. Honestly look at your part in the resentment take ownership and move on
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
I would look at the underlying causes of why this bothers you. You cut him loose 6 years ago and what your family does or doesn't do is none of your concern. It sounds like your sister is toxic to you so I would stay away from her. I have found toxic relationships are just not worth the effort even if they are family
Resentments are like you taking rat poison to get rid of the rats. They do no harm to the other person but they do a tremendous amount of harm to you. Honestly look at your part in the resentment take ownership and move on
Resentments are like you taking rat poison to get rid of the rats. They do no harm to the other person but they do a tremendous amount of harm to you. Honestly look at your part in the resentment take ownership and move on
Thank you. I guess what's also bugging me is that I don't like my reaction and the fact that it makes me so angry. I do need to think about why and let it go.
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Location: Pa
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readerbaby,
I get you, I really do. I think it is bugging you for the same reason it bugs me. My sis does this to me also. Compliments my ex, says she wishes her H was more like him, that mine went food shopping, helped around the house. I said to her once, would you still want you H to be like my ex if he sent you to the hospital with a black eye, if he verbally abused you daily? I said that once, and that was it, but still each time we see each other she still has to tell me that my ex was the best.
It makes me feel like all the problems in the marriage were mine. That I was the screwed up person, perhaps that I actually deserved what I got.
I understand that my family, (and yes, my entire family) liked my ex. I just wish that they would keep it to themselves. They weren't around when he was abusive, and he did put on quite an act for them.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I get you, I really do. I think it is bugging you for the same reason it bugs me. My sis does this to me also. Compliments my ex, says she wishes her H was more like him, that mine went food shopping, helped around the house. I said to her once, would you still want you H to be like my ex if he sent you to the hospital with a black eye, if he verbally abused you daily? I said that once, and that was it, but still each time we see each other she still has to tell me that my ex was the best.
It makes me feel like all the problems in the marriage were mine. That I was the screwed up person, perhaps that I actually deserved what I got.
I understand that my family, (and yes, my entire family) liked my ex. I just wish that they would keep it to themselves. They weren't around when he was abusive, and he did put on quite an act for them.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am not immuned the stuff. I have a mother in law was continually telling me how my house my garden my landscaping my dogs my job are somehow less than somebody else's. It used to drive me nuts and still does to some degree but I've learned to accept life and her as she is. She is going to change but I can.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I don't know it this is possible, but have you sat down w/them and just said, "Look, this hurts my feelings and with all the people in the world to hang out with, could you not hang out with my X?" I would try that but I am sure you know if they would be receptive or not. If not, I would stay away from that sister. If she makes you feel bad, stay away from her. There are some people who will always make others feel like crap because they themselves are mental and need to drag others down w/them. Those types should be avoided at all costs!
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and spend it with whomever will actually make YOU happy. It is a day to be celebrated, not to be miserable.
Be Strong and know you are not alone!!!
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and spend it with whomever will actually make YOU happy. It is a day to be celebrated, not to be miserable.
Be Strong and know you are not alone!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
I am not immuned the stuff. I have a mother in law was continually telling me how my house my garden my landscaping my dogs my job are somehow less than somebody else's. It used to drive me nuts and still does to some degree but I've learned to accept life and her as she is. She is going to change but I can.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I don't know it this is possible, but have you sat down w/them and just said, "Look, this hurts my feelings and with all the people in the world to hang out with, could you not hang out with my X?" I would try that but I am sure you know if they would be receptive or not. If not, I would stay away from that sister. If she makes you feel bad, stay away from her. There are some people who will always make others feel like crap because they themselves are mental and need to drag others down w/them. Those types should be avoided at all costs!
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and spend it with whomever will actually make YOU happy. It is a day to be celebrated, not to be miserable.
Be Strong and know you are not alone!!!
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and spend it with whomever will actually make YOU happy. It is a day to be celebrated, not to be miserable.
Be Strong and know you are not alone!!!
Yes, it's pointless to discuss it with them any further. My mom and I have had HUGE discussions about it. My sister does what she wants, when she wants. She's never been the most sensitive person. I'm done ignoring her nasty comments. I just won't be around her.
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Originally Posted by amy55
readerbaby,
I get you, I really do. I think it is bugging you for the same reason it bugs me. My sis does this to me also. Compliments my ex, says she wishes her H was more like him, that mine went food shopping, helped around the house. I said to her once, would you still want you H to be like my ex if he sent you to the hospital with a black eye, if he verbally abused you daily? I said that once, and that was it, but still each time we see each other she still has to tell me that my ex was the best.
It makes me feel like all the problems in the marriage were mine. That I was the screwed up person, perhaps that I actually deserved what I got.
I understand that my family, (and yes, my entire family) liked my ex. I just wish that they would keep it to themselves. They weren't around when he was abusive, and he did put on quite an act for them.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I get you, I really do. I think it is bugging you for the same reason it bugs me. My sis does this to me also. Compliments my ex, says she wishes her H was more like him, that mine went food shopping, helped around the house. I said to her once, would you still want you H to be like my ex if he sent you to the hospital with a black eye, if he verbally abused you daily? I said that once, and that was it, but still each time we see each other she still has to tell me that my ex was the best.
It makes me feel like all the problems in the marriage were mine. That I was the screwed up person, perhaps that I actually deserved what I got.
I understand that my family, (and yes, my entire family) liked my ex. I just wish that they would keep it to themselves. They weren't around when he was abusive, and he did put on quite an act for them.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
It's just annoying. Posting about it here is helping though. I'm so sorry your ex husband abused you. That is awful, and I would never, ever say someone was a "great guy" if they did that to my sister. As a matter of fact, when my sister was 20 I drove down to North Carolina to get her away from her abusive husband. I know she loves me. She just doesn't think of other people's feelings.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
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I would not go to their house for Thanksgiving....it sounds stressful and would give an opportunity to lay a few word bombs on you.
Take an invite from a friend and give your answer to your sister. If your Mom asks, just tell her that you want to have a peaceful happy thankful day, not stress about your sister yapping her visit to see *her* wonderful, perfect ex brother in law.
Family loyality is obviously off the table, enjoy your friends make something to bring and relax.
Take an invite from a friend and give your answer to your sister. If your Mom asks, just tell her that you want to have a peaceful happy thankful day, not stress about your sister yapping her visit to see *her* wonderful, perfect ex brother in law.
Family loyality is obviously off the table, enjoy your friends make something to bring and relax.
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My mom's in Florida for the winter so she won't really be affected. I know my Dad will try to hound me but we're close so it's easy for me to make a boundary there and just tell him that I'm not going and not to push the issue. I had already told my sister that I was coming but I'm going to wait until she gets back from the trip to tell her I'm not. It's not a big deal--we always have waaay too much food as it is.
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