Not ready...
 

I don't know if I'm ready to share and I feel like I already know the truth about my husband. I think I'm lost in conflicting emotions. I'm just wondering if anyone is still questioning weather or not the good times make up for the bad. For example tonight... He drank too much and passes out and I'm left downstairs feeling left behind. Also I am "told" that he didn't drink that much and that he only had 3 drinks 2 shots a piece. But somehow he is soooo intoxicated he can't even stand. I feel so tired of this recurring theme and... I feel guilty at the same time blc he isn't abusing me physically our yelling at me. Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting but would I feel this way all the time? I feel like I'm in denial about it all but. I'm just looking for help.

We don't realize how truly miserable we are until we get out. Just like addiction is a progressive disease, we progressively sink deeper and deeper into stress, depression etc. How many good times can there be with someone dependent on alcohol or drugs?

Thank you for responding to me I don't understand it all and I feel sick to my stomach about the thought of leaving. I have invested my love and self completely into our marriage. Your right and even my mom and family had said I look like the light has been taken out of me. How did I not see this why haven't I seen the signs?

Fear kept me in denial. It wasn't until I dealt with my fears (fear of the truth, fear of abandonment, fear of making it own my own, etc.) could I begin to start to find my own truth and strength.

We don't see it until after the fact. I gained tons of weight over the past few years, and as soon as he was gone...the weight dropped off. Not from stress, I still eat, but I swear all the stress was packing on the pounds. I had no idea how miserable I was at all. We were fighting more and more because he wasn't doing what he said he would, even as simple as cleaning up after himself. I started to lose trust even though I couldn't prove he was doing anything. My friend told me "you're miserable" I said "you're right" and I just couldn't go on any longer. Best decision of my life. I wasn't staying around for anymore relapses even if this was the time he got clean. I loved him more than anything, provided him with opportunities he didn't think he would ever have, and he threw it all away. Why waste your love on someone that will toss it like it's nothing?

I have to post on this as this particular weekend really knocked the wind out of me. I have seen my boyfriend once this week, b/c the rest of it we spent fighting in between his binging and hangovers. Starting thursday I was starting to have stomach pains and have barely eaten. I would say over the last couple years I have drastically lost and gained weight, more lose than gain, I'm already very thin… and I never looked that great and had to hide from friends and family b/c I was never in good physical health and it was visible. My best friend told me the same : the light in you is missing.

I stopped feeling like shopping for clothes for myself, feeling happy in general, and became a little scruffier looking. Just not good hygiene as I felt mostly unloved and unattractive thanks to my Alcoholic. It takes a HUGE toll on us too! Not just them.

I get this achey feeling every time I go to talk about "it". I feel like I've lost something... I don't even know who I am now. Am I a caretaker of someone who is sick? Should i feel angry or hoodwinked when he gives me a kiss in the morning after a binge? Why does this all feel so uncertain?

I'm sorry I guess I just feel like I'm complaining. I didn't have a tumultuous childhood. And I thought I knew what i wanted in a marriage but yet I have terrible anxieties about our future together when the few years we have had together are littered with arguments fueled by alcohol.

Marie,

What would you say to your best friend or your daughter if they told you this story?

I think I would say something like, "honey, the thought 'it could be worse' is not a solid foundation for a happy marriage."

He's not yelling at you and being abusive. OK. That's good. But that should be a given in a marriage. When you say that, you've already started short-changing yourself.

I hear that you are avoiding the A-word. It's OK. You can say it: "My husband is an alcoholic." It was difficult for me to say because I felt like if I admitted it, I could never un-admit it, and if I admitted it I would have to spring into immediate action. But you don't. It's not like you're saying the house is on fire. It's more like you're saying the roof is leaking. And that you have a lot of options for what to so, including doing nothing.

If the roof was leaking, you'd start by putting out buckets. And then you'd contact some friends who had also had leaky roofs to figure out what they did. And that's pretty much what you did by coming here! We're the leaky roof experts! Some of us were pretty much swimming on the second floor before we decided to get out - some of us actually had the luck of that other person fixing the roof...

I think the metaphor is breaking down. But the point is - your husband's drinking is making you unhappy. Just the thought of talking about it makes you uneasy. That is enough reason to start learning everything you can about alcoholism. But you don't have to fix it all today.

Marie hiya
I'm a couple of months ahead of where you are now. I still haven't quite made a big decision but I know its coming.
My only real advice is read, read, read.....read everything here (read my threads if you want) When you see someone posting something that's relevant to you go back and read all their other posts and the advice they were given.
Read about recovery (for you rather than your man) Read about AlAnon. Read enough that any decision you make is an informed one.
Oh and after you've read about AlAnon maybe think about going to AlAnon (it helps).
I'm running back to work just now but I will watch for your posts.

lilamy that has stuck like glue in my head. From this moment on what I call "my SR people" are now my leaky roof experts.

Love the leaky roof experts too! I don't think I have heard that one before but it is a great one!

I think I was actually one of those people that they had to send in a helicopter to get me off the roof I was so enmeshed and powerless to change at one point.

Now I fly the helicopter and look for gals on the roof waving for help!

But they have to be waving from the roof... some aren't ready to leave the drowning house. Reminds me of that joke about the guy who is on the roof and boats and helicopters keep asking if he needs help and he replies "No, I am waiting for God to rescue me". Eventually he drowns and when he gets to heaven he asks God why He didn't show up and God replies " I sent two boats and a helicopter"!!!!

Yeah, I may or may not have tried to shoot down a couple helicopters as well over the years... ;)

Marie,

So many of us here know just how you feel.

He doesn't have to be abusive for there to be a problem. He is being neglectful of your relationship though. I know how that is, there's nothing like feeling as if you're in the relationship all by yourself.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. It doesn't matter if it's "not that bad", it's bad enough that you're miserable. Don't over think it, you feel what you feel and that reason is enough. No guilt needed!

Sometimes the good times do make up for the bad, but that's a very individual interpretation. Sometimes the good doesn't make up for the bad any longer, it did for a while, but not anymore.

Keep coming here and reading and posting. This is a great place to gain perspective. It's helped me tremendously!

Do the good times make up for the bad? No, Nada, Never, not even close...........

Overit263, makes a real good point, we truly do not realize how much of the unacceptable we accept until we get away from it for a bit.

For the 5 years I spent with an A, our conversations were on one level or another alcohol supported.

18 months ago I had a conversation with a sober man. A man who was in his right mind, a man who was not abusing his mind and body, a man who actually had something of value to say. A man whose words are filled with kindness, gentleness, humor, warmth, and love, AND intelligence.............. talk about a breath of fresh air...............

All I can say, start addressing your needs, take care of YOU, you are never going to find happiness and security with an active addict, NEVER.

You don't have to come from a tumultuous childhood to have fear or codependency. There is a big difference in being a give giver and a care taker as well.

I would suggest you read the links on codependency. If there are things you can identify with......read the book Codependent No More.

ETA - There are many good links on codependency on the Friends and Family of Substance Abuse side also.

Thank you all for giving me such great advice. It took me quite sometime to reply because I honestly felt like I couldn't (and still trying) admit that I have married an alcoholic.

I've been to all-anon a few times in my area and the three c's really helped me. I read several books and have been trying to "not engage" when he is drinking.

This may be a silly question but, I was wondering if I'm supposed to start a brew thread or keep posting on this line? I feel like I really want to talk about my story but don't know if I should start a with a new post.

Hi, Marie. I don't think there's any set protocol. You can continue posting on this thread... or you can start a new thread. Your choice :) I can relate to the disbelief over marrying an alcoholic. I'm divorcing mine.... and yet, I still argue with myself: is he? isn't he? In the end, it doesn't matter. Our life is dysfunctional regardless of whether the alcohol abuse is an addiction or a choice.

Hi Marie7358- I am so glad you are here and welcome.
This part
I feel guilty at the same time blc he isn't abusing me physically our yelling at me. Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting but would I feel this way all the time?

Sounds so familiar to mine. Oh how I kept thinking it was all in my head, he wasn't physically abusing me or yelling at me at the time, but oh how it changed and it changed quickly once his secret was out in a matter of months. Something just wasn't right and I didn't know what it is.
I would talk to my family and they would just tell me he needs more love. I didn't come from a family of alcohol and no one knew. I had never heard the word codependent. We all coughed it up to he wasn't loved enough and needed it more than others. Now we know we are so surprised he was great at hiding it from me. He gets an award on his shadyness.
I was so confused and sick all the time. I use to say I will never know what is wrong with me until they do my autopsy. I had so many illness and never could understand why my arms ,hands and body always hurt - I would go to the doctor and was told I have fibromyalgia or some other illness.
I come from a healthy family and everytime I would go I had something I never heard of or my family didn't have. I have a healthy family and would think how could this be. I was on tons of meds and gaining weight.
I left my husband its been weeks and I am back to being physically healthy and emotionally getting there.
I laugh again and get hugs ..how I forgot how that felt. I can go to my family house, spend time with them and look them in the face again.

You couldn't pay me to go back to him.

Please keep posting and reading and attending some kind of therapy. I love this forum so much. I really believe all the feedback and experiences has helped me. I know I wont go through more turmoil because I choose not to touch the hot stove anymore.

Hi Marie,
I am glad you are here seeking support. It's a great place.

I want to add that though you don't feel like your husband is abusing you, he has essentially abandoned you and taken up with alcohol. So your depression and grief is justified, whether or not he yells or hits.

My XA could get verbally obnoxious when drunk - but mostly sloppily emotional, passed out, or otherwise unavailable. However I sliced it, I didn't have a healthy partner. So I chose to leave.

I hope you keep coming back to read, and check in. We're here for you!

I really feel like reading these posts has helped me see some of the errors I've been making. It's so strange to me to think that my life had changed so much since I have admitted to myself that he is an alcoholic.

For example tonight was nice he only had one drink from what I can tell, and was very "normal" behaving. However, I feel like I'm struggling with the strange feeling of it not being an argument tonight. How strange and sick is this... I almost feel unloved? Because he's not drinking to an extreme I'm sitting here feeling like we are just quietly cohabiting not being lovers or communicating or fighting just ... Being. So I think I'm trying to understand what that means. Can we get "US" back? Does alcohol have to be eliminated totally to have "US"? With that being said I feel like venting our entire life story but I'm still a little nervous about sharing to much online in public... Does anyone else seem to feel a little paranoid posting for fear of being recognized and then having to actually admit that your are married to an alcoholic? It's one thing to know it and admit it to myself but when someone else says it about him I get defensive.. this has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster!