Not ready...

Old 02-06-2014, 05:49 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
To be honest, I don't care if people know that I'm married to an alcoholic. His problem, not mine. That said, I don't go out of my way to announce it. A few select people know, plus a few coworker/friends that I wish I hadn't told but did in weakness (alanon is helping with the verbal vomit problem I had before.) We are divorcing but my standard line will just be that we've grown apart over the years and realize that we're better off apart than together. BUT, if someone finds out or figures out that he's an A, that's fine. Like I said, his problem not mine.

Your husband being an alcoholic is NOT a reflection of your worth! Nor, is it a reflection of your character. It is not because you did something wrong or failed your marriage in any way. It just is.

As for the relationship with an A... ours has always been dysfunctional. That's part of the problem - 2 screwed up children of alcoholics who do not realize how screwed up they are, do not/can not have a functional marriage. But, we were very close the first half of our marriage. Eventually, though, our pattern became exactly what you described: more of a cohabitation than a marriage. When we stopped fighting, we stopped communicating. Sober, he was angry, silent, & sarcastic and I was angry & resentful. Drinking, he was moody & sarcastic and I was still angry & resentful.

There are some women in alanon who are still with their husbands despite them being active As.... but, for me, it's not the kind of marriage I would want. For me, yes, the boundary is NO ALCOHOL. That's one of the many reasons we are divorcing.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:11 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
lizatola's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Marie, you weren't making errors. You just didn't know what you didn't know yet. They say that alcoholism is cunning, powerful, and baffling and there's a reason for that. It fools us and we get complacent. It tricks us into believing that the alcoholic really can just have 2 drinks every night and that will be enough. The disease tells lies to the alcoholic and the alcoholic passes those lies on to us and we believe them too.

As you start learning more about who you are and the part you play in your marriage you will see that yes, you played a part, but it will also bring about awareness of what you want for your life moving forward. Al Anon is a great place to start as are many books on codependency. You've reached out to others, you're starting to have awareness, and you're coming to grips with the white elephant in the room. There's nothing wrong with that, it's part of your journey, there were no errors to be made because things hadn't been revealed to you yet.

Keep coming back here, read all the stickies at the top of the page, and know that you are not alone. HUGS!
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