Yurt

As in; I feel like I am one right now.
Friday night consisted of a lot of self pity and petulance, before striking out and telling DD to "Go to H3ll.", and then announcing that he was cancelling Thanksgiving plans.
The next morning, everything was fine and dandy. He asked if I had contacted my Mother to invite her yet.
I had to remind him that he had canceled the holiday. All I got in return was a confused look.

Hawkeye13

So are you going to keep it cancelled?
What do you want to do at this point--one thing I really really hate is a drunken holiday celebration and trying to keep the peace. Not "festive" one little bit.

Yurt

Well, he did not call his brother to cancel, so we'll let that roll. I will not invite my mother, however, as she and AH's relationship is a bit shaky under good circumstances. He won't show his worst side while his brother is here, so I am confident that he will keep it together for a couple of days. He doesn't drink nearly as much when his relatives are around.
I mostly concerned about how his behaviors are getting increasingly bizarre, and how it is now aimed at DD as well

AnvilheadII

none of this behavior is surprising....it's the ramping up of untreated alcoholism. it WILL get worse. now your precious daughter is a target. she is not SAFE. you are not SAFE. i'd really urge you to take this all into consideration and make some decisions, soon.

Hawkeye13

My thoughts are with you. I know this must be so difficult day after day.

lizw

If he cancelled I'd go with it which would be a hard thing to do, seeing how uncomfortable it may make him which in turn would have the potential to make me feel uncomfortable but detachment is a great tool in these sorts of situations.

Yurt

He doesn't remember telling me that he was cancelling, and has not called his brother. I don't think that he remembers telling DD to go to H3ll either, but he as been acting exceptionally sweet yesterday and today. This is the usual pattern; he will probably go off the deep end again in about a week.
It's eggshell time, as I feel like I need to be around continually to protect DD.

dandylion

Yurt, whether he remembers it or not is beside the point, don't you think? It happened and you and your daughter bear the brunt of his actions.

Remember that you can't control what he does, but---you are in control of yourself and you can control what happens to your daughter. I know that you never wanted it to come to this---but, it has. As Anvil said---this is typical of how untreated alcoholism plays out.

As is often said: "He is going to do what he is going to do---what are you going to do?"

dandylion

BtheChange

I agree with Anvil and Dandylion. His behaviors will get even more bizarre, and it will soon affect you and your DD in all sorts of ways you could not have predicted. Do you have a plan for when that happens? Or boundaries for you and DD that are non-negotiable? Frankly, if anyone told my DD to go to h3ll, I don't care if it was the Pope, the President, or Mother Theresa, that person would not be invited back to my house.

Sometimes the decline can happen quickly. The brain damage that alcoholics experience--literally holes in the brain--will make your AH very unpredictable and irrational even when in the past he might have been able to hold it together--when family is around, for example. The irrational behavior takes us off guard. I used to freeze up when that happened, but I finally learned to set boundaries.

No amount of acting sweet, on the part of your AH, makes up for angry outbursts. The trust is wiped away, and can't be regained without true sobriety. You deserve better.

Yurt

This is more disturbing now that DD has become more of a target. And I do freeze when the outbursts are unexpected.
Today he asked again about my mother, and I told him that I just wasn't going to invite her because I didn't want any issues between the two of them. He then told me that the real reason I wasn't inviting her was because I just don't want her here. I said that I wouldn't feel comfortable uninviting her if he decided to cancel dinner again. I was accused of being negative. Guess I'm not supposed to call him out on his sh;t.

Iguess that I will be making phone calls this week. Attorney, bank, etc. Can't do much until closer to Christmas because of finances, but we can make it. DD tried out for a part in the school play, so she can keep busy outside the house. I am very busy with my job, right now, so fewer problems for me during the week as well. It's the weekends that become hellish.

hopeful4

O Yurt..I am so sorry. In my mind I always think I can put up with an amazing amount of shi* because I know how to rationalize it out, that I did not cause it and cannot cure it. But boy..O Boy...mess w/my kids and see what happens. There is nothing that makes me more mad than drunken amnesia. Why is that fair, that I put up w/a bunch of BS and then you don't remember it the next day and expect me to be all sweet to you? NO NO NO. I am past that stage and won't be doing that again.

I agree that it is going to get worse. It is getting worse for my AH also. Although he does not target the kids, his angry outbursts are more frequent, although not in front of the kids thank God.

Make sure in all of this that you are making the time to care care of you. Go to meetings, have friends you can rely on. You need a support system (and yes, we here at SR will help with that too) because you cannot be a support system to your kids if you are not getting help yourself.

Hugs to you Yurt!

stella27

Yurt,

I am so sorry. I have been where you are, and while I am a little trigger-y from reading about your experience, I will tell you that you are right about one thing:

You are not supposed to call him out on his $hit.

You are not supposed to be planning a Thanksgiving with a guest list to keep the peace.

You ARE supposed to make plans for yourself and your daughter. Thanksgiving at your house has been canceled. Make some plans somewhere else with somebody who loves you both and can show it by being consistent and pleasant. Someone who makes you feel thankful that they are in your life.

(((hugs))). I have been so. exactly. there.
It's going to get worse before it gets better.

healthyagain

I am sorry to hear that, Yurt. And mine AH started having this "drunken amnesia," as hopeful4 puts it, as well. Detachment is a wonderful thing, but knowing what to expect and what not to expect and hope for is another important aspect. And with alcoholism, you can expect things to get worse.

honeypig

However, I'm willing to bet that DD remembers this, and will likely do so for a long, long time....

Another reason to do as others are saying and start thinking in terms of sooner rather than later.

Wishing you strength and clarity, Yurt!

stella27

I feel so fortunate that I have never heard my dad speak to me that way. That's really horrendous.

choublak

The thing about detachment, it can work for adults, but if adults have a hard enough time with it, how do you expect kids to get it? Of course, I don't know how old your daughter is...

NWGRITS

It's likely that it's just a matter of time before DD fights back. Mixing in hormones with that type of treatment is like making an improvised bomb out of household cleaners. One good shake and the whole thing explodes. Just speaking from experience. Our home was a living hell, and during my teenage years I lashed out nearly every day. AM rarely remembered our arguments or kicking me out. Every single time she would beg me to come back, not understanding why I would choose to leave my loving, wonderful home. Wash, rinse, repeat, with me always being the one with the problem and AM being free of any accountability for her words or actions. My grandmother was playing the part of the second parent, sweeping things under the rug and trying to keep me in line. I still harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards her for not trying to protect me, or force me to go live with my dad (I was brainwashed to believe he was the bad guy). Again, just my experience, but this isn't healthy for any of you. Your DD is almost of age to form her own intimate relationships. Is this what you want her to choose for her future?

Yurt

An explosion is pretty much what happened the weekend before this. This weekend, she did not take the bait, just walked away. So, I think she is learning some detachment skills. She is seeing a counselor at school about once a week or so. Her extracurricular activities keep her quite busy and out of the house most days, so I am hopeful that she will not get the brunt of his outbursts very often.

I thought that I would have a reprieve of sorts, as he spread his nastiness on Friday night, but when I came home, he hit me with both barrels. He was practically foaming at the mouth while yelling at me about how our family is more important than my job. When DD came home, he was very sarcastic during dinner. Still he wanted me to sit and have a conversation with him. Nope.
He has also gone back to drinking the wine from a box. Previously, when he bought them, he would go through at least two 5 liter boxes in a week, plus the 2-3 bottles of beer each day. He switched to bottled wine, thinking that maybe he would drink less (he wound up drinking about a bottle per day with the beer). We are already broke this week, so I am assuming that the monetary cost was too much. Now that he is back to the boxes, he will probably continue with the pattern that he followed before. It's awfully hard to determine how much you are drinking when you can't see the level go down in a bottle. You just keep turning the spigot. He even accused me of drinking the stuff a few times when he ran out so quickly. I assured him that I can't stand the stuff. I don't mind a glass of cabernet once in a while if it is palatable, but I will be drinking a lot more tea for some time.
I have been hoping to get to a second Al Anon meeting, and I think nothing will get in my way this week. Thanks for all of the support here at SR. I do have several friends that I talk to as well, so I am not as fearful as I was 6 months ago.

HopefulinFLA

As someone else said, drunken amnesia is so unfair. He may not remember, but you and DD DO.

dandylion

Yurt, I have just got to say that it is so sad to think that a goal for a teen girl is to have to learn detachment skills from a parent. For a child that age--doesn't it seem more developmentally appropriate to be dealing with making attachments to others (along with appropriate boundaries for herself)?
dandylion