Countrygirl21

My mother has been an alcoholic my entire life. My grandmother fortunately stepped in when me and my brother were younger to raise us and get us out of that environment. Throughout my adult life I have tried to reach out to her and get her the help she needs, but it has back fired on me more times than I can count. I always thought I had got a full understanding of the disease and would never end up with an addiction or tolerate someone with an addiction.... I met my ex a little while back on a dating site, but never really went past chatting because I was still a little iffy about where we had met. A few months ago he found me again and I enjoyed our conversation so I decided to finally meet him. He seemed like a very nice hard working man. He came off a little shady at times, but he owned a busy and that consumed a lot of his time, so I thought. The more we went on dates the more I picked up on his drinking, it set off a radar, but it wasn't enough to get me really thinking until we went on a lunch date where he had ordered two large margaritas with shooters in each at 1pm in the afternoon and had to be back to work right after. The next night I met his cousin who had informed me when he left the room that he had a problem. He didn't make it seem like it was a big problem, so I excused myself for the evening and had a discussion with him the next night about it, explaining to him about my mother and how I can't be around something like that. He assured me he had a grip on it and he would cut down the drinking. The next few weeks we started a relationship and everything seemed wonderful. He cut back on the drinking, I actually never saw him drink again. We had a small fight a few weeks later and the relationship had come to an end. I still tried to keep it going, but something in him had changed and I could tell when he would be drinking. I told him I wasn't leaving because I wanted to continue to help him because I had thought I already had. He started to toy with my emotions because he knew I just wouldn't leave him. He then told me he never quit drinking he just learned how to hide it and when he was with me he had always been drunk and that it was far worse than I even knew about because it's affecting his Heath. I just don't understand how after all I have been through how could I have been so blind and gotten so attached in a situation I spent most of my life battling and now I just can't seem to find my way out because I've gotten so attached to this man and can't figure out how to walk away

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation countrygirl.

many of us have been stuck in relationships because we loved someone and hoped that our love may heal them.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it rarely turns out that way tho.
If your boyfriend has no desire to quit what kind of future does that promise for you?

This man lied to you and taunted you about it.

I think you deserve better...don't you?

D.

819

that was my life it takes hitting rock bottom before he can change and only he can do it i have 39 days today and my support group grows daily. Wish you the best

theuncertainty

Hi, CountryGirl. Welcome to SR. Please don't be too hard on yourself on falling for an alcoholic. You're aware now of his problem and of how he's treating you. More importantly, you're aware of the fact that you're in the same situation as when you attempted to help your mother.

The thing to keep in mind is, no matter how much your heart wants to tell you that you can help him, of how different he might be from your mother, your heart's sentiments need to be tempered with your experience and knowledge. It's the addiction, not the person, that you need to really see. The addictions are the same.

My AXH will not stop drinking or truly seek recovery until he is willing to see that his drinking is a problem; not just pay it lip-service. He has to be willing to do the work and put in the effort. He couldn't do it because I wanted him to. He won't be able to do it because our son wants him to. He has to want it.

We all (addicts and family/friends-of, both) find our way out of the cycle, whatever course that might be, when we're ready. It sounds like you're seeing a bit clearer now and might be ready to figure out what you want or need to do for you.

Hang in there.

LadyinBC

When I went to daytox we had a class on the cylce of alcoholics and the family's roles and parts in it. It was actually quite eye opening.

This woman grew up in an alcoholic home, married an alcholic, became addicted to pills and became an alcoholic herself, divorced her husband and continued to find men that had addictions problems. Why? Because she couldn't fix her parents she just kept trying to find people to fix.

Speaking as an alcoholic RUN from this man and never look back. You do not want to deal with a lifetime of living thru this crap. Because that is what you are setting yourself up for. It will get worse before it ever gets better. And that is if he wants to get better. You cannot help him or fix him he is the only one who can do that. Deep down I think you know this.

Find someone who will respect you and treat you like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.