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I'm STEWING...

Old 11-15-2013, 07:41 AM
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I'm STEWING...

So this is my RA’s first week back to work. He is out of the house 4 nights a week (outpatient) leaving me to hold down the fort with two small kids and I work full time. I knew this, and I support this. It is what it is. When he came home he expressed that it was very important to him that I get the help I need, he recognized that that I needed help and whatever he needed to do to support that cause, he would. So I went to an alanon meeting last Saturday. Mid week he says the sign up sheet is up for work for Saturday, and we should talk because he wants to make sure everybody gets what they need (him, kids and me) and he doesn’t want me to have to keep carrying the load. I ask him how he feels about working Saturdays again in early sobriety and he says he thinks it would be good because it will keep him busy because he would normally spend Saturdays drinking. So I tell him that although I support, you said you supported my recovery and based on the schedule we have, Saturday is the only time I can go to a meeting and if you work. No meeting for me. I said I guess just work, I don’t know… he said we would come back to it.

Then yesterday during conversation, he expressed disappointment that when he comes home from his outpatient (9 pm ish) I am about asleep, he’s alone, wishes he could talk with me, he’s eating dinner alone (the dinner I prepared while dealing with 2 small kids) he misses me, he’s lonely. He says he understands, he knows I have a lot, but he’s lonely. I’m in bed my 8:30 watching TV, and I am asleep shortly after 9.

So I am driving to work this morning and I’m stewing. I think he means well, but he said “it’s time for you now, it’s time for you to get the help you need” then he comes and says “I can work on Saturday, what should I do, I want to be fair to everyone” I mean we DO need the money. Definitely we need the money.

I feel like he’s talking out of both sides of his mouth. If it was his assertion that it was my time now, he would say “sorry I cannot work on Saturday, my wife has something to do” – but instead he brings it to me in question causing me to consider his early sobriety, causing him to say well I think it would be good for me because it will keep me busy, causing me to say, ok. Which is what I always do. It always seems to be about him.

From what I read, spouses tend to take a back seat in early sobriety because the addict has to do whatever he needs to do to not drink. I felt that me saying “While I appreciate your point of view, my recovery is just as important and even though you working keeps you ‘busy’ I need to go to my meeting” would be taking away from that and I don’t know if that is codependent or supportive.

But me just giving in makes me feel angry and resentful because he made this big claim about it being time for me now and how I need support and I feel like he is turning around and basically demanding MORE from me (I’m not around to talk when he gets home at 9 pm and now the working Saturday thing). In fact, I’m P*SSED. Any thoughts?
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Old 11-15-2013, 07:56 AM
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I'm hesitant to post this and I'm sure there will be opinions different from mine.
I do think its tricky if he thinks being home on Saturdays might trigger.
BUT
I just can't get over how good I feel after an AlAnon meeting and if its the only meeting you can get to then I think its worth making a fuss.
Maybe you could help him with finding ways to "keep busy" on Saturdays.
I read the SR consensus as being "if he's going to drink he's going to drink regardless" so there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Good Luck
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Old 11-15-2013, 08:00 AM
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meggem, it it possible that there can be a middle ground "negotiation"?

Perhaps he could pay for a babysitter during your meeting time--from the overtime pay he receives on Saturdays?

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Old 11-15-2013, 08:02 AM
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I know I think its tricky too. His intentions are pure and his heart is in the right place. Maybe it was not realistic for him to make these promises to me with what is on his plate right now. and maybe it is not realistic for me to expect 100% results from him right now.
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Old 11-15-2013, 08:04 AM
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Dandy, I am interviewing a babysitter on Sunday!! Great idea !
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Old 11-15-2013, 08:15 AM
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Yea Megge...I hope the babysitter works as it is so important for you to have support too!

Hugs!
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Old 11-15-2013, 08:42 AM
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hope the babysitter works out so you can make your meeting and maybe if the babysitter is a good fit - you & hubby can work out a date night in the near future ~ hopefully that would help both of you on reconnecting too.

wishing you both the best as you learned to compromise & work together in recovery!

pink hugs
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