Major vent/facing who I really am long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Major vent/facing who I really am long
Sorry this is so very long, I need to write this out before I do or say anything that I will later regret. I am co dependent and an enabler and am beating myself every which way, torturing myself. In addition to being an alcoholic myself.
Over the course of the past week I have given my addict/AH over three hundred dollars. For what? To pay off the drug dealers who are "stressing him out" to be paid because they fronted him drugs. What does he then do? Gets more fronted. Last night I saw an ugly side of me because instead of saying no, I gave him part of that money and proceeded to hurl verbal abuse at him in the process because I was so hurt, so angry and so stressed by the financial hardship this is visiting on us that I couldn't cope. Didn't just say a serenity prayer.
In addition to all that money for crap, I have given him money to buy his lunch because he has slept so late that he doesn't have time to make his own lunch. I have filled his tank with gas. I have done his laundry. What do I get in return? He runs out the door because I hurt his self esteem. Runs out to drink. Finds my hiding place and takes my ATM cards and credit cards but thankfully leaves them at home but not where I left them. Instead, he takes the six dollars I had in cash and half my Valium which my doctor prescribed to me to cope with withdrawal. Doesn't do a dang thing around the house but eat and sleep.
I am doing well today. I am day three of continuous sobriety. Went to my first meeting in a long time. Yay me because last night, if I wasn't serious, I would have bought beer. My husband asked whether I was going to buy beer but such was the state of poison in my head, I said no, I'm buying acid to throw in your face. Of course, I would not ever do that but it was a dramatic angry exit as I hurled out the door. Later I told him I was wrong for the verbal abuse but ws still angry and hurt. Made an amends of sorts.
But went to store today to buy water and my card was declined. ATM card. I get paid tomorrow so I am sweating but not too bad. We make darn good money, me more than him, but it all goes up in smoke. Never enough to pay the bills and then the drug dealer takes priority? No sense there.
So why am I truly steaming? He returns home this morning, wearing all signs of woe. Ill never do it again. This is it. Please have faith in me. You don't have to hide your stuff anymore. Goes to work. Texts me later this evening and asks if I made dinner or may he please order something!? That is what got my goat. And why I was ready to scream. He always wants something expensive. I called him and told him that under no circumstances may he order something. That my ATM card was declined - the other one want, I protected myself with opening a secret account, that one worked, but I didn't tell him that. Our house is full of food. Half a ham, what passes for a pound of bacon at the store these days, macaroni and cheese, soup, pasta and a freezer full of frozen vegetables. Eat that!
I see that the verbal abuse to him is a character defect and a fourth step. I also see that I am not going to enable him anymore. It is shredding me and jeopardizing my sobriety.
But, I had a good day. Went to a meeting, had lunch with my mom and went to a rummage sale with her. Picked up the kids and above all, did not pick up a drink. Thanks for listening. I feel a lot better and think I will not blow my stack.
Over the course of the past week I have given my addict/AH over three hundred dollars. For what? To pay off the drug dealers who are "stressing him out" to be paid because they fronted him drugs. What does he then do? Gets more fronted. Last night I saw an ugly side of me because instead of saying no, I gave him part of that money and proceeded to hurl verbal abuse at him in the process because I was so hurt, so angry and so stressed by the financial hardship this is visiting on us that I couldn't cope. Didn't just say a serenity prayer.
In addition to all that money for crap, I have given him money to buy his lunch because he has slept so late that he doesn't have time to make his own lunch. I have filled his tank with gas. I have done his laundry. What do I get in return? He runs out the door because I hurt his self esteem. Runs out to drink. Finds my hiding place and takes my ATM cards and credit cards but thankfully leaves them at home but not where I left them. Instead, he takes the six dollars I had in cash and half my Valium which my doctor prescribed to me to cope with withdrawal. Doesn't do a dang thing around the house but eat and sleep.
I am doing well today. I am day three of continuous sobriety. Went to my first meeting in a long time. Yay me because last night, if I wasn't serious, I would have bought beer. My husband asked whether I was going to buy beer but such was the state of poison in my head, I said no, I'm buying acid to throw in your face. Of course, I would not ever do that but it was a dramatic angry exit as I hurled out the door. Later I told him I was wrong for the verbal abuse but ws still angry and hurt. Made an amends of sorts.
But went to store today to buy water and my card was declined. ATM card. I get paid tomorrow so I am sweating but not too bad. We make darn good money, me more than him, but it all goes up in smoke. Never enough to pay the bills and then the drug dealer takes priority? No sense there.
So why am I truly steaming? He returns home this morning, wearing all signs of woe. Ill never do it again. This is it. Please have faith in me. You don't have to hide your stuff anymore. Goes to work. Texts me later this evening and asks if I made dinner or may he please order something!? That is what got my goat. And why I was ready to scream. He always wants something expensive. I called him and told him that under no circumstances may he order something. That my ATM card was declined - the other one want, I protected myself with opening a secret account, that one worked, but I didn't tell him that. Our house is full of food. Half a ham, what passes for a pound of bacon at the store these days, macaroni and cheese, soup, pasta and a freezer full of frozen vegetables. Eat that!
I see that the verbal abuse to him is a character defect and a fourth step. I also see that I am not going to enable him anymore. It is shredding me and jeopardizing my sobriety.
But, I had a good day. Went to a meeting, had lunch with my mom and went to a rummage sale with her. Picked up the kids and above all, did not pick up a drink. Thanks for listening. I feel a lot better and think I will not blow my stack.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Good for you not drinking Ruby! Faced with what you just described, I doubt
I could have been so strong.
Sounds like you are figuring out what is acceptable to you and not.
I send you good wishes and the strength to keep growing.
Remember to give yourself credit for learning in the situation.
It gets too easy sometimes for us to beat ourselves up.
We should be kindest to ourselves because we deal with so much and keep going.
I could have been so strong.
Sounds like you are figuring out what is acceptable to you and not.
I send you good wishes and the strength to keep growing.
Remember to give yourself credit for learning in the situation.
It gets too easy sometimes for us to beat ourselves up.
We should be kindest to ourselves because we deal with so much and keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thank you! I am getting to the point of where I need to be. For myself, my children and my family. I am so tired of the lies, the thievery, the empty promises to get better. He will be demanding to be treated with kid gloves lest his fragile ego and equilibrium be disturbed. I must not expect, nor ask, that he actually exert himself to contribute to the household financially (cause that ends in a wash with his use), emotionally- one of the things I hurled at him last night was that the kids were more familiar with the back of his head because he is always in bed "detoxing" for the last time and can't be disturbed, or physically - see emotionally and chronic addiction to detoxing in bed. All he can manage to do is drink, get high, eat, leave tons of dirty dishes in the sink and then pass out in bed. Only to get up, go to work, after his promises that this will be the last time, only to start it all over again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
yah, it doesn't matter that the wife is stressed out. No. That doesn't enter the equation. Obviously we have all walked that road before now, haven't we? We would not be here on SR if otherwise. In his mind the bills can go by the wayside, or be put on MY credit card, because he is a man of "honor" who pays his debts to drug dealers over paying the electric bill or the gas bill.
So after his "woe is me, I'm a piece of sh&t" epiphany when he finally rolled in this morning, him tearfully hugging me "this has to end." What does he do? Rolls into the house from work while I am reading our daughter her good night stories, tells me some really bizarre story about some "acquaintance" calling him to say that his mother's car had been stolen (the acquaintance's mother, not my MIL who has no car and cant get here easily thank goodness. The apple certainly didn't fall far from the tree). Somewhere along the way the mention of a hundred dollars comes up, and he runs out the door. I am completely confused as to what actually happened or what he actually told me.
I certainly didn't give him money. And I hid all my stuff in a new spot that will take him maybe a few days to find before I have to squirrel all my junk someplace else again. Or maybe...that doesn't have to happen. Almost all of his laundry is washed and folded and there is a giant duffle bag in the basement just itching to be filled. Hmmm. The more I trouble shoot while posting on here, the better I am feeling. Still confused but that is the nature of the beast.
So after his "woe is me, I'm a piece of sh&t" epiphany when he finally rolled in this morning, him tearfully hugging me "this has to end." What does he do? Rolls into the house from work while I am reading our daughter her good night stories, tells me some really bizarre story about some "acquaintance" calling him to say that his mother's car had been stolen (the acquaintance's mother, not my MIL who has no car and cant get here easily thank goodness. The apple certainly didn't fall far from the tree). Somewhere along the way the mention of a hundred dollars comes up, and he runs out the door. I am completely confused as to what actually happened or what he actually told me.
I certainly didn't give him money. And I hid all my stuff in a new spot that will take him maybe a few days to find before I have to squirrel all my junk someplace else again. Or maybe...that doesn't have to happen. Almost all of his laundry is washed and folded and there is a giant duffle bag in the basement just itching to be filled. Hmmm. The more I trouble shoot while posting on here, the better I am feeling. Still confused but that is the nature of the beast.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Or maybe...that doesn't have to happen. Almost all of his laundry is washed and folded and there is a giant duffle bag in the basement just itching to be filled. Hmmm. The more I trouble shoot while posting on here, the better I am feeling. Still confused but that is the nature of the beast.[/QUOTE]
Hold your head up. You're doing it all and then some.
O/T Duffle bags do fit a surprising amount of stuff. I put everything I needed for a yearlong deployment to Iraq into 3 duffle bags- and one was half-empty going over. And you're even washing the clothes! What could he possibly have to complain about? A big bag of clean clothes and a fresh start. How many people would be grateful for a chance like that?
Whatever you do, it'll be awesome. Take care. Hugs to you and your daughter.
Hold your head up. You're doing it all and then some.
O/T Duffle bags do fit a surprising amount of stuff. I put everything I needed for a yearlong deployment to Iraq into 3 duffle bags- and one was half-empty going over. And you're even washing the clothes! What could he possibly have to complain about? A big bag of clean clothes and a fresh start. How many people would be grateful for a chance like that?
Whatever you do, it'll be awesome. Take care. Hugs to you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Good for you for staying strong in your own sobriety Ruby, that is so wonderful!!!
I do not blame you for feeling your frustration... man, oh MAN do I hear you on the lies & BS & head-spinning story telling. Ridiculousness!
I do not blame you for feeling your frustration... man, oh MAN do I hear you on the lies & BS & head-spinning story telling. Ridiculousness!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
You know Ladyscribbler and Firesprite? I have rapidly realized over the past month that I am doing it all. I can do it. I was more hopeful that his paycheck would make it home so that I could take a chunk off our huge mountain of debt that accumulated while we were both actively using. But it is turning into a huge liability instead.
Tonight his whole thing just feels different than his usual sprees. He was so remorseful this morning, of course, but seemed higher than a kite when he came home from work with the ridiculous story. Still fitting his usual pattern of flying out the door but I sensed something different. I am just waiting for the usual horse poop story that his dealer will kill him/maim him/throw bricks through our window story unless I come up with the loot. Which, I don't have. And if I do get a call like that tonight? I will tell them that they can have him.
That duffle bag...hmmm? I could put the cat poop in the bottom and then put his clean laundry on top. Well, after him hanging up on me twice when he had been answering his calls all day, wanting me to hang on to the phone as if my life depended on it because he needed my strength and support to stay sober today, I am going back to folding even more laundry. To calm down. Watch some soothing NCIS, and then take my trazodone and go to bed. Sober.
Tonight his whole thing just feels different than his usual sprees. He was so remorseful this morning, of course, but seemed higher than a kite when he came home from work with the ridiculous story. Still fitting his usual pattern of flying out the door but I sensed something different. I am just waiting for the usual horse poop story that his dealer will kill him/maim him/throw bricks through our window story unless I come up with the loot. Which, I don't have. And if I do get a call like that tonight? I will tell them that they can have him.
That duffle bag...hmmm? I could put the cat poop in the bottom and then put his clean laundry on top. Well, after him hanging up on me twice when he had been answering his calls all day, wanting me to hang on to the phone as if my life depended on it because he needed my strength and support to stay sober today, I am going back to folding even more laundry. To calm down. Watch some soothing NCIS, and then take my trazodone and go to bed. Sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Whatever the future holds, it is 1000% better faced sober.
You are doing it all yourself, and he sounds like a big stone you are paddling to keep afloat on top of managing money, household, and family.
You will be fine. I can see that already. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job constantly and always well done
You are doing it all yourself, and he sounds like a big stone you are paddling to keep afloat on top of managing money, household, and family.
You will be fine. I can see that already. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job constantly and always well done
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ruby...I hope you keep going to meetings and working on your sobriety. Your kids need you...sober. It sounds like his behaviors are a huge trigger for you. I think you need to put the kids first as they need a stable parent and that clearly is not going to be him. If you stop the money flow things will change. His drug problems are his. That is the thing, you keep paying, he is going to keep using. He will keep using one way or another but it does not have to bankrupt YOU. It's his choices and his behavior.
They can show all the remorse in the world but if the behavior does not change..what does not matter? Not squat in my book.
Good luck in dealing with your sobriety. Keep going to those meetings and get the help you deserve to be the person you need to be...for you and for your children.
They can show all the remorse in the world but if the behavior does not change..what does not matter? Not squat in my book.
Good luck in dealing with your sobriety. Keep going to those meetings and get the help you deserve to be the person you need to be...for you and for your children.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Ruby))
Congrats on staying sober - that is a wonderful step for YOU and for your children. You deserve that & so do they!
As far as the stuff with Ah ~ remember if you want something different you have to do something different ~ even if it is little steps at a time ~
No is a complete sentence ~
Keep working on what is healthy for YOU!
Pink hugs!
Congrats on staying sober - that is a wonderful step for YOU and for your children. You deserve that & so do they!
As far as the stuff with Ah ~ remember if you want something different you have to do something different ~ even if it is little steps at a time ~
No is a complete sentence ~
Keep working on what is healthy for YOU!
Pink hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thanks all. I haven't been to any al anon meetings yet. I have been going to my AA meetings. Had a really good one this morning. AH returned from his binge at around 7 a.m. Today. I resented the fact that both kids were excited to see him and yelling "I love you daddy!" He is hardly ever here. He then crawled into bed after walking past me and saying "I'm effing up my life." What could I say? He is.
I got the kids to school, came home and then went to a meeting. It was a great meeting. Saw a guy who my AH had sponsored back when he was sober and working a program. This guy had relapsed and gone back to jail. He looked terrible. But it put my AH in mind because he is really slipping lately. Guy asked me for a ride and I was comfortable enough to do it because he had been going to my meetings before I relapsed and it was on my way. But I did tell someone that knows us both that I was giving this guy a lift and where to. I asked where he was staying and he is now at homeless shelters. My AH will be there soon enough if he keeps at it. His drinking buddies won't pu him up if no money is involved.
Because I had a great day! I realized that I am detaching. AH missed work. He is still sleeping it off. He is incentive enough for me to stay sober. He looked like poop and smelled like booze. I can hardly smell anything but i sure smelled that. But I stopped care taking. Beyond telling what time it was when he asked, I didn't nag him about going to work. Didn't try to wake him. Don't know or care if he called his job. It isn't my problem if he gets fired. And I don't need his income to live reasonably comfortably. His spending is more the liability than his paycheck is worth to me and i am ultra fortunate. I pay less in mortgage than I would in rent. Kids are in school full time so sitter after school is not too bad. My ten year old car is paid off and the insurance is cheap. Just have a mountain of debt to pay off from my old drinking days and his lavish spending.
So, good day. And I have plans for tomorrow and Sunday before returning to work. Yay!
I got the kids to school, came home and then went to a meeting. It was a great meeting. Saw a guy who my AH had sponsored back when he was sober and working a program. This guy had relapsed and gone back to jail. He looked terrible. But it put my AH in mind because he is really slipping lately. Guy asked me for a ride and I was comfortable enough to do it because he had been going to my meetings before I relapsed and it was on my way. But I did tell someone that knows us both that I was giving this guy a lift and where to. I asked where he was staying and he is now at homeless shelters. My AH will be there soon enough if he keeps at it. His drinking buddies won't pu him up if no money is involved.
Because I had a great day! I realized that I am detaching. AH missed work. He is still sleeping it off. He is incentive enough for me to stay sober. He looked like poop and smelled like booze. I can hardly smell anything but i sure smelled that. But I stopped care taking. Beyond telling what time it was when he asked, I didn't nag him about going to work. Didn't try to wake him. Don't know or care if he called his job. It isn't my problem if he gets fired. And I don't need his income to live reasonably comfortably. His spending is more the liability than his paycheck is worth to me and i am ultra fortunate. I pay less in mortgage than I would in rent. Kids are in school full time so sitter after school is not too bad. My ten year old car is paid off and the insurance is cheap. Just have a mountain of debt to pay off from my old drinking days and his lavish spending.
So, good day. And I have plans for tomorrow and Sunday before returning to work. Yay!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I think anger is a very normal reaction, and one that can be put to good use if channeled properly.
When you say "what did I get in return" after filling his tank with gas and doing his laundry, I related to that because when I do those things, I think I somehow do them for me, not him. I have so been where you are, just trying to bail out the boat while he's carving out a bigger hole, and it really won't stop until you stop bailing. I get angry too, but my anger is directed at myself, because now I know that when I do this stuff like pay his bills, it's my choice. I don't have to do it. Maybe I do it to avoid confrontation. Maybe I do it because I want to be a "savior," maybe I do it because I like feeling of illusion that I have the upper hand.
But one thing I know, alcohol and a healthy financial life are absolutely contraindicated. AH relapsed in 2004. In the 5 years he was sober he built up a good business and we were doing great. Since then, it's all been downhill. I've stayed with him, and I accept the consequences, while I tread water trying not to drown.
Good luck to you, Ruby--keep nurturing your sobriety and your own health!!! That's the only thing that matters.
When you say "what did I get in return" after filling his tank with gas and doing his laundry, I related to that because when I do those things, I think I somehow do them for me, not him. I have so been where you are, just trying to bail out the boat while he's carving out a bigger hole, and it really won't stop until you stop bailing. I get angry too, but my anger is directed at myself, because now I know that when I do this stuff like pay his bills, it's my choice. I don't have to do it. Maybe I do it to avoid confrontation. Maybe I do it because I want to be a "savior," maybe I do it because I like feeling of illusion that I have the upper hand.
But one thing I know, alcohol and a healthy financial life are absolutely contraindicated. AH relapsed in 2004. In the 5 years he was sober he built up a good business and we were doing great. Since then, it's all been downhill. I've stayed with him, and I accept the consequences, while I tread water trying not to drown.
Good luck to you, Ruby--keep nurturing your sobriety and your own health!!! That's the only thing that matters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thanks SoloMio,
What you said is something that resonates very deeply. I am more upset with myself for constantly bailing him out. I caved before because I was drinking but the insanity just got to me. I caved because he would not leave me alone, often waking me up from a sound sleep. Which I know is abuse, and wouldn't let me sleep until I caved. I hated myself then.
Today I felt a new freedom. I still want to make snarky comments but I have been biting my tongue. He tells me we have to pay his cellphone bill. Well, his entire paycheck, just from last Friday is gone and then some. Tried guilting me that he will be without a phone until he gets paid next Friday. I guess this is a consequence for him. He actually asked me to rub his feet. He feels bad. Flat out no from me
So thank you for so eloquently voicing what I have been feeling.
What you said is something that resonates very deeply. I am more upset with myself for constantly bailing him out. I caved before because I was drinking but the insanity just got to me. I caved because he would not leave me alone, often waking me up from a sound sleep. Which I know is abuse, and wouldn't let me sleep until I caved. I hated myself then.
Today I felt a new freedom. I still want to make snarky comments but I have been biting my tongue. He tells me we have to pay his cellphone bill. Well, his entire paycheck, just from last Friday is gone and then some. Tried guilting me that he will be without a phone until he gets paid next Friday. I guess this is a consequence for him. He actually asked me to rub his feet. He feels bad. Flat out no from me
So thank you for so eloquently voicing what I have been feeling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
He needs to feel the consequences of his habits and if that means he has no phone, the dealers are looking for him, he's hungry because he slept in and couldn't pound a PB&J together? That's his problem now isn't it?
When the drug dealers pound on your door, kindly ask them not to break your windows because the children need a warm dry place to live, don't take it out on them... hand them the duffel bag and tell them, he's in the bathroom/bedroom/basement. Don't make a mess.
When the drug dealers pound on your door, kindly ask them not to break your windows because the children need a warm dry place to live, don't take it out on them... hand them the duffel bag and tell them, he's in the bathroom/bedroom/basement. Don't make a mess.
between AH, kids playing and me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
