Louise13

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

My best friend is an alcoholic and has depression. He hasn't said the words 'I'm an alcoholic', but he has said 'maybe I need to go to AA', 'it's an addiction for me', and 'I need your help'.

I don't want to write a novel but I want to give enough information so that you may offer me some advice. He's divorced with young children he doesn't see as much as he wants too, he has a GF, their relationship isn't good, and they hardly ever see each other as she has no time for him because she has young children. His family know he has a drinking problem but he doesn't like to talk to them about it.

I have been supporting him for the past year and a half, late night phone calls that go for sometimes hours, late night visits that see me getting home way too late. He's asked me for help to stop drinking before but when I try to take any kind of next step he says he doesn't want to talk about it. It's finally taken it's toll on me and I can't bare to see him in the state any more, it's heartbreaking.

Last time he asked for help I said I would commit to helping him, but he needs to be ready to commit too and we need to talk about what that looks like and make a plan. Now he says he hasn't drunk for a few days and is taking it day by day and will let me know. I would love to believe him, but this is his pattern.

I'm at a loss.

Yancy

I don't think you can help an A quit drinking any more than you can help a diabetic to quit eating donuts. They have to hit bottom and decide to get help on their own. Once they accept that they need help and seek it on their own you can be there for them. Drop them off at the treatment center. See them on visiting days. Trying to help them before they hit bottom may just prolong the fall. Once they get sober there's not much you can do to keep them sober. That's what AA is for. That's their medicine. You can't make them take their medicine, either.

With my AW, AS, and AD, they all had different depths of hitting bottom. My son was the worst. It took a possible 10 year prison sentence before he came to the realization that he had a problem. All three are in recovery. Now I'm starting to work on mine.

Hopeworks

Hi Louise 13,

Welcome! Sounds like you are exhausted and drained from being a sounding board for someone who just wants to hear himself talk (we call this quacking) on the boards.

What I learned is that we have to set boundaries for ourselves to protect our own well being and you already know that talking for hours ad nauseum isn't changing anything so you might consider another approach that would be more effective and help you.

Unless you are another alcoholic or a trained therapist there is very little we can offer to an A in the way of helping them through addiction through advice. A's have a way of not hearing what they don't want to hear and manipulating us to simply be sympathetic and hold their hands while they continue to drink and destroy themselves.

Have you read the stickies? Thought about alanon for yourself? Understanding addiction can be very helpful for both you and your friend. Has your friend thought about an addictions counselor?

Maybe you can suggest that you both go to an newcomers AA or open meeting together (it might be eye opening for you too).

For the best results he should ask for a temporary sponsor so he has someone else he can talk to about his alcohol questions and issues that understands completely.

That's my E,S and H.

Seren

Hi Louise,

I hope your friend will really decide someday that he needs help and work to get that help for himself. I've found with members of my own family that if the alcoholic is not ready for help, I can't make them reach out for it.

This thread really helped me so much when I first arrived here at SR.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I am sorry about your friend, but please don't harm your own health and sanity for someone else's addiction.

honeypig

I'd like to second the recommendation for Alanon. You'll learn a lot and get a lot of support there. Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.org/

The suggestion to read the stickies at the top of the page is a good one too--educating yourself about alcoholism will help you keep from getting sucked into the drama, lies and general craziness, as will reading/posting here at SR and attending Alanon.

Welcome to SR! A whole lot of learning and growth awaits you!

Recovering2

You can't "help" him get sober. If that was possible then none of us would be on this site,because we've all done more than our fair share to try and "help" our A's. He's taking advantage of the friendship, and not respecting what you have going on in your life. First thing I would do is set some boundaries. No phone calls after 9pm for example. Set a time limit of 30 minutes when he calls (before 9). Leave his place by 8pm on a work night. These are simple boundaries that take care of your health. Any friend will respect that, but be prepared for the A to not like it. Their world is usually about them.

Sounds like your friend has been talking for awhile with no real action. There may be good reasons why he isn't talking to his family about all this. They may not be putting up with his quacking. You have to take care of you. Go to some AlAnon meetings, you'll learn a lot about how to handle this. Read through the sticky's. Being a friend may mean walking away and taking care of the one person you can truly help....you.

Louise13

Thank you everyone.

He has told me today is his 4th day not drinking, I believe him because this is his pattern and because he always calls me when he drinks. I have been reading the stickies and doing my own research and I'm now wondering if one of the reasons he only lasts 3-4 days is because of the withdrawal symptoms....?

As I said, I'm new to the forum, so this might be a silly question, but do you think an A can become sober on their own without professional help/therapy/AA?

I went to an AlAnon meeting at the start of the year, but I think I might go again.

I know all of you are right and that he needs to help himself and find the help but it's so hard to set boundaries when I've sat with him through his shakes and times of depression. I am getting there slowly, and I'm trying hard and I will set boundaries, although I don't think I can set them when he's with his children.

Seren

As I understand it, alcoholics can become sober on their own. A certain, small percentage of them do. I also understand that there is never a guarantee that they will remain sober for the rest of their lives, even if they are in some sort of recovery program or therapy.

I hope you understand that boundaries are to protect you and your serenity. Why would you not be able to set boundaries with your friend if he's with this children? His children live with his ex-wife, is that correct? Have you volunteered your time to supervise his visits with them? Perhaps making other arrangements for him to visit his children might be an excellent boundary-making opportunity for you and your peace.

Sometimes all we can do is make small changes--one at a time. Please take good care of yourself!

Louise13

Yes his children live with his ex wife but he has them for weekends sometimes and there's been times when he's drunk heavily while he has them. I don't want him drinking around them and if I know he his I'll do my best to be there to make sure the children are ok.

Should I be telling him about the boundaries I want to set before they need to be actioned, or wait and when/if he drinks again and takes advantage of our friendship tell him after that?

Ruby2

__________________
Life with an active alcoholic is like going down in an elevator to h*** together with both having the ability to push the button and choose what floor they wish to get off on. Don't wait until your shoes are on fire like I did!

I LOVE this! Thank you so much.

ladyscribbler

You don't have to tell him anything. Just know your boundary and know what you will do. Is it possible for you to contact the ex-wife if he's drinking during visitation? That seems like the logical step to protect the children. Your heart is in the right place, but this isn't your responsibility, and their mother has a right to know if he is compromising his ability to care for the children by drinking during his visits with them. I bet she is worried sick every time they go over there.

Recovering2

If he's drunk and his children are at risk, and you know it, you need to be calling their Mother. Those are her children too. They are not your responsibility. What do you think will happen if she finds out you know he's drunk and the kids are there? You are now complicit in her eyes, no matter how good your intentions may be. You are really enabling and protecting him instead of letting him face the consequences of his actions. This is an example of when you need to notify their Mom and then get out of the way.

Louise13

I don't have their mums contact details unfortunately, so I can't contact her. I've been there when they've commented on his drinking so I'm not sure if they tell him or not.

I know it's not my responsibility, but I'm the one he always turns to, so I need to work on my boundaries.