Shiningthrough

My alcoholic boyfriend of 12 years has been seeing someone since June of this year all the while telling me that he was done with our relationship. We have two young kids (3 and 7). We still live in the same house because he says he can't afford to move out. In the past 6 months he's been on numerous trips to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe for a week. He's purchased expensive ticket items and spends money all the time. So recently he's admitted to having a "friend" who he has brought around my kids as well as mutual friends. He now has been doing sleep overs at her house at least once a week and twice this week. He originally said he would move out in September and now has pushed it out to after the holidays. I have come to "acceptance" that he's moved on in the relationship but I am having a real hard time wrapping my head around the idea of accepting his ******** and I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I'm beyond hurt, disgusted and rightfully resentful of every choice he's made during this breakup. I have to listen to our kids ask "where is daddy" in the mornings and deal with their bewilderment of my answer "I don't know". I refuse to lie but I also don't want to tell them more than they need to know.

I am not financially self sufficient yet but am working towards getting more work and being able to provide for me and the kids regardless of his support. I know I have choices but they seem to be tied to my finances. I am attending Alanon and working a program but sometimes I just feel so degraded by his actions. I don't get how someone can be so self serving, but I have to remember I'm dealing with an alcoholic.

Florence

In my experience, sometimes decisions are made with a demo crew and you have to go in later and find tune what's left after the wrecking ball did its job. My STBXAH wasn't this flamboyant with his betrayals, but one day I decided I'd had enough, made him leave, and changed the locks on the doors. I am not financially solvent, and yet somehow the bills get paid and the kids get fed. I'm figuring it out, and I'm doing it in the sanctuary of my safe, calm, predictable home.

The "acceptance" part for me was taking responsibility for the kind of life I wanted to lead, and recognizing that my AH was no longer in any way a part of that vision. Before this realization, I really held out that maybe he was capable of being the man I married again. Or maybe I could say the right thing, or tell him off in the right way, that would turn him around. Then it stopped being about turning him around and became about me being mad at myself for fighting it for so long. But in the end, based on his behavior, actions, inactions, and compulsive lying, there was no way that he was compatible with my vision for myself. Sounds like your AH is also incompatible with your life.

Be mad. He betrayed you, he's using you, he's lying to you, he's compromising your kids. Nobody is telling you not to be mad. I think the real message here is that your anger can't be a deterrent to you doing what you need to do (*cough* leave him *cough* can't give advice *cough*), and you can't be consumed by your anger towards him. Your anger is a natural reaction to this crazy stuff he's putting you through. This anger is healthy!

That said, one of the major decisions I made that put me in a better frame of mind was having a free consultation with a lawyer to find out what my options were and what a divorce would look like financially and with custody. I had a consultation about a year before I filed for divorce. It answered a lot of my questions, and I felt able to make the decision with good information when I did. Action, not reaction.

hopeful4

I had a consultation just last week w/an attorney. It did make me feel better and made me feel much more in control of my life. Just because you are working on you (great job BTW) does not mean you don't have a valid reason to be mad..you do. He is making you mad and hurting you. Just because you are in acceptance that you cannot change him does not change that. I am not trying to make it worse, I just think so many times when we come to this stage of acceptance we mistakenly think we cannot still "feel" anger and upset. That's not true at all, it is just making the choice not to let the anger and upset control our lives.

Hugs and God Bless to you and your babies.

m1k3

There is a good saying you see around here, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.

Acceptance isn't about accepting the behavior, it is accepting the situation as it is. To start seeing reality and giving up on the hopeless daydreams of "if only".

Seems to me you see the situation pretty well, the next question now that your eyes are open is what are you going to do about it?

Your friend,

honeypig

I think this is it exactly. ^^^

My mother-in-law is a great example of "acceptance" that never goes any farther. She is great at the "I am powerless" part, she really rocks at "accepting the things I cannot change", but she completely drops off the map when it comes to that "courage to change the things I can" part.

Accepting that a situation is what it is right now, this moment, is indeed really important. However, that doesn't mean people get to treat you however they please and you have to just meekly let them do it. You know you deserve better, even if THEY don't know or care about that!

As others have advised, get as much information as you can to help you make your decision--there may be aid you didn't know about, or the legal/financial situation may be different than you believed it to be.

And again, as others have said, the peace to be gained from having the A OUT OF YOUR LIFE can make it worth a financial struggle for a while. I understand your concerns; as the daughter of bankrupt farmers, money is always a concern of mine too. I too am struggling to believe that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually the path will grow firmer and things will work out. Just for today, let's keep on walking, OK?

dandylion

Shiningthrough, I think you are doing a great job. You are human--of course, you are ******!!!!!

You have a lot on your plate---but, you are doing exactly what you need to--you are working a program for you---and, you have a plan for your, and your children's survival.

You are not a doormat. A doormat wouldn't be doing what you are doing.

Just keep on doing what you are doing. This is not going to last forever!!!!!!!!

dandylion

LifeRecovery

When I was feeling like a doormat, for me this was not acceptance it was trying to stuff away all of my feelings.

I am not saying that is what you are doing. Acceptance felt different to me, it felt lighter regardless of how hard the situation was. It felt warm and emotional (cause there were other emotions there).

For me acceptance was about accepting that I had a right to those emotions and to let them come because it was better then beating myself up about them.

Great question, I love the other answers also.

Recovering2

People with treat you the way you allow them to treat you. He's showing you who he is, and it's not pretty. He may be done with your relationship, but he hangs on because it's convenient for him. Don't let him decide what happens in YOUR life. Get a consult with a lawyer and learn about child support, etc. YOU set his move out date...not him. Change the locks. Let him and his new friend figure it out. If he's spending his money on Vegas, then he's not helping you anyhow and it's better to cut him loose and figure it out on your own.

Take your power and your life back, make your own decisions. This isn't about him..it's about what you want.

lizw

I hear you and would probably feel the same quite frankly.
Can you afford to have him move out sooner or are you dependent on his $$$ support?

One of the things I often hear in al anon is if you want to stop feeling like a doormat, you have to get up off the floor and from what you've said it sounds like he is calling all the shots on what happens.

Maybe there are some actions you can take for yourself such as asking him to move out sooner, if you can afford too.

Carlotta

Him not being afford to get a new place is really not your problem anymore is it?
Why are you allowing him to leech of you and your kids?

Shiningthrough

I so appreciate all the experience, strength and hope everyone has offered. Unfortunately I don't have the financial means to support kids and I but am moving towards securing more work. Yes , I do feel like he's calling all the shots. I have repeatedly asked him to leave but he always comes back to me with the excuse of not having enough money for him to support himself and our home separately. I have bought into it bc our mortgage is so high ($5000) but he obviously is not hurting for money. I have asked him to sell the house (100% in his name), whatever it takes to get us out of this situation. There's no urgency for him since he's got his cake and is eating it too. He's told me to wait until the holidays are over but enough is enough. We are suppose to talk this week when kids are with a babysitter. I've voiced my desire to end it before the holidays and get him out. Honestly he's home from work today (not sure why) and I can't stand the sight of him. Being cordial in front of kids only goes so far.

I know I may sound like I'm being a doormat but I'm doing everything I can to keep my side of the street clean. My strength comes from SR and Alanon which I thank my lucky stars to be a part of.

MissFixit

are you paying on the mortgage for a house he wont sell that is in his name only?

Shiningthrough

No I pay for child care for my son and the utilities are in my name. I have talked to an attorney and since we are not married I'm only entitles to child support. Unfortunately California is not a "common law marriage" state.

Recovering2

If it's his house, in his name, then I doubt there is much you can do about it. You likely have no legal right to lock him out. I think I would look for a small apartment and get out. Maybe a friend will help you for the short term, a room mate situation? Let him figure out the mortgage, utilities, etc. on HIS house. As long as you find reasons to justify staying, then you'll be in this mess for awhile. What is your sanity worth? What is your self esteem worth? What is your kids health worth? You can get through this and move on, but you have to want to bad enough to be willing to struggle in the short term. The only way through something is through it.