it's my birthday I can cry if i want to....

Old 11-12-2013, 04:27 PM
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:day
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:33 PM
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Happy Birthday to you
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:37 PM
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Hey Positive!

It's 11/12/13, and it's your birthday! That is so cool.

Mine's the day after Christmas, so I'm used to being overlooked. It still doesn't feel great, I will admit.

I also have suffered multiple miscarriages, and even though I have did have two healthy babies, those losses stay with me. I still remember their due dates (almost 20 yrs later). I am sorry you had to go through that.

((hugs)) to you
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:39 PM
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Happy birthday I hope you feel better. Hugs to you
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:50 PM
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Positivechang, you are FANTASTIC.

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Old 11-12-2013, 05:31 PM
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Happy Birthday! I hope you were able to find a way to make it a great day.

I've had the same experiences with my AH. This year I came home and found him passed out. Gee thanks honey.

I've just stopped going all out for him on his bday and then I don't feel so slighted. But it still stinks.

Hugs to you!
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Old 11-13-2013, 08:04 AM
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Just wanted to give you all a big hug and a thank you for your sweet posts.

AH had forgotten the entire day it waa my birthday until my sister decided she would storm up our door, pound on it, and demand to talk with my AH by herself. They were gone for five minutes in the parking lot only for him to return angry that I had been confiding in my sister about our fights/that he forgot my birthday. What was she thinking. Now he says he can't trust me. Wow!! I am livid at her. That made my night worse, and now I have no one I can trust. I don't even want to speak with her.......
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Old 11-13-2013, 08:20 AM
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Don't be mad at her, if you can help it. She was simply doing what she thought was best for you...she isn't the one that knows the hell of living with an addict, so probably genuinely thought she was doing good.
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Old 11-13-2013, 08:27 AM
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Sounds like your AH has managed to turn you against your sister to deflect anyone from realizing that he is in fact the real jerk in this situation. This is classic addict's behavior to isolate you from people who truly have your best interests at heart. You don't have to fall for this if you don't want to.

Your sister definitely butted in where she wasn't welcome, sure, but does it not count that she made this futile gesture out of love and concern for you? Where in your AH's actions OR words is there anything remotely like love and concern? Of course he was angry for being called out, but in situations like that, mature adults admit they were wrong before they go lashing out at the very person their actions injured in the first place.
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Old 11-13-2013, 08:27 AM
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Wow. Leave it to an A to somehow justify making this all about him. He acted like an @ss and now he's mad that someone knows about it. Personal responsibility? Nope. He's deflecting that negative attention on to you. Nice. Guess what? You don't need to accept responsibility for his failings. Neither does your sister. This is his to own. So, you can just let it be his.

I'm sorry that your sister's actions ended up making your day more unpleasant. Her intentions were no doubt very good, and her actions may have worked on any non self-absorbed person. But, she obviously hasn't learned how and why you would disengage from arguments with an alcoholic. Maybe you and your sister can go to an AlAnon meeting together? You need to gather your support around you right now.

We are here for you too.

Many hugs,
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Old 11-13-2013, 09:19 AM
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I was having login problems so I could not post and it broke my heart to read what you wrote. I hope you did something for yourself as you most definitely deserve a special day!

You are NEVER EVER alone!

Hugs and Blessings!
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Old 11-13-2013, 09:49 AM
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hi

i agree w sparklekitty and fathom.

your ah is using your sister as a tool to control you. she was looking out for you (maybe not the best way to go about it) and he used the fact you confide in her as an excuse to be mad at you and accuse you of something nefarious. it is blameshifting. ignore the fact he was a jerk and focus on you telling your sister about his actions.
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Old 11-13-2013, 10:11 AM
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I am livid at her.

you are livid at the person who was attempting to intervene on your behalf? perhaps her method was less than optimal, but she DID speak the TRUTH...you guys DO Fight, and he DID forget your BD. HE is the jackass here. he is using anger and isolation to try and further remove ANYONE from your life who cares and supports you.

your situation sounds just horrendous. i'm sorry i haven't read all your posts, but do you have a plan to extract yourself from the relationship and GET AWAY from this hostile angry man?
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Old 11-13-2013, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by positivechang View Post
I don't even want to speak with her.......
Not fair, PC, not fair at all.

She definitely could have handled this with more finesse, but she IS NOT the bad guy here. I'm sure she's angry on your behalf, frustrated with watching you get hurt over & over & so very tired of not being able to fix it all for you.

Don't isolate yourself against your support system and the people that TRULY care about your well being.... that's EXACTLY what he wants. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 11-13-2013, 12:02 PM
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Wow! I had an Aha moment after reading your responses what really is going on here. To have you guys take my quotes, and to put them into a healthy perspective almost made me feel sick my stomach. I need to get to another Al-anon meeting today. I need to work on my steps, because I am starting to feel way over my head. He did a good job at making my "special day" about him, yes. I am looking for work, but employers are looking for part-time. I need more to move out, put my child in daycare, and still be able to pay bills. Things are just not moving fast enough. Thank you all for your sharp insight.
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Old 11-13-2013, 12:14 PM
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active alcoholics (and lots of abusers) use tactics like that. it is all about them being in control. once you "get" the m.o. of the abuser you can start to see patterns and other instances where that was at play.
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:14 AM
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Positivechan, yes I have been there done that... Your sister truly loves you and she was certainly coming from a good place when she challenged your AH... Please don't take your pain out on her, if your husband had any decent feelings he would be ashamed AND he wouldn't have forgot your birthday... How much is a card and that probably would have been enough for you.... I realise your eyes are opening, stick with it. God Bless xx
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:38 AM
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Although different circumstances, my sister has done the same.
She has also cried to me that she hates telling me she's booked a holiday or bought something new because she says I never get that treatment from my partner.

He also ruined my recent birthday.
It was a milestone one too.
I understand how much it hurts.

My promise to myself is that I won't let him ruin anymore.

I wish you the best xxxx
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:52 AM
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Thank you for your understanding, and commenting on my little post. I have happy news to report! I just found out yesterday that I was accepted my first choice University to finish my bachelor's. It is the only one in the U.S. with this online program, and I feel someone is watching out for my baby and I. I have been out of school for 5 years, so I am a bit nervous. I know this will get my son and I one step out of this mess. One huge step for my independence. Best birthday gift to myself! Just wanted to share.
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Old 11-14-2013, 08:04 AM
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Good for you! Congratulations! With that will come opportunity and the ability to become independent and be who you want to be!
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