Sadconfused

I feel so lost, like I dont belong anywhere, like I dont know what or who I am am. Like I am just here with no real purpose or direction other than to take care of everyone else. I have nothing that brings me any happiness other than my daughter and she is amazing, the only little human that keeps me waking up every morning. But its not the same, I am missing something, maybe a lot. I miss the carefree laughter I remember having, I miss lighthearted fun, I miss sleeping peacefully. I miss feeling like me. I know I can have all of these things back, I just need to make that final step, all the ground work has been done. I want to, every part of my body aches too but something in my head makes me frozen solid in one spot still.

I have waves of wanting to just give up and fall back in, deal with the pain when its there and try to enjoy the ok stuff for whats its worth and settle. Then panic sets in and I feel like if I do that I might as well just give up permanently and die because I cant make myself do that, I cant go back to pretending. I would rather be dead. And I know I cant be dead because of my daughter so that leaves me back at square one of having to get past whatever is keeping me stuck and get through this. Now instead of following him in circles I am doing circles of my own. Im depressed.

Hell, I dont even feel like I belong here anymore. The alcohol doesnt even seem to be a problem anymore, clearly it is but its his problem. My problem, my own, and mine with him are still there regardless of his drinking. He is still the same person drunk or sober, he still has the attitude and issues with me when he is sober. I dont care about his drinking anymore, I dont care if he stops or if he keeps going, doesnt change my view and emotions regarding the relationship anymore.

I just want to be me, whatever that is now. I want to figure it out, on my own. I want to be free to spend time with the people I care about without having to deal with the backlash. I want to stop feeling so sad and low all the damn time. I think I feel so lost because a new chapter should have started a long time ago. Things feel apart a long time ago and instead of starting that new chapter, I tried to keep everything the same by picking up all the pieces and gluing them back together. Then they all feel apart again and here I kept coming with the glue. Well the glue is all gone and I am only picking up the pieces I need now, the pieces of me.

No real point to this post. Just wanted to get some of my thoughts out. I was going to journal it but realized my journal is hid in my jeep and I didnt want to go back out in the snow to get it. I really do see the progress I have made just in my way of thinking, I feel it. It just isnt enough yet I guess. I dont know, day at a time.

Hammer

Sounds like the start of a MIGHTY FINE Crappy List to me.

Super.

Those work GREAT when you are lost.

Here is mine >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...appy-list.html

amy55

Hi SC,

Nice to see you back here. I think you are doing great. I understand that you may not see it like that, or feel it, but I see it.

For so long you have been going on just adrenaline. Just trying to stay out of the fights and learn about you and what you want for you life. I don't think that you were able to see a future for you awhile ago, but I can see you thinking about these things now.

You did a lot of work in a short period of time, and are probably overwhelmed with everything at this point, but you are still moving forward, one step at time. You know, you don't have to take a step everyday, sometimes you can just take a "me" day.

As to feeling that you may not belong here, on this forum, of course you belong here. I also questioned myself about that. I also left my ex because he was abusive, but the alcohol part of it didn't bother me. This board is about recovery, and you have a lot of friends here to help support you.

I had some snow overnight also !!!! Happy that it is not that much that I have to shovel it.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

dandylion

SC, you speak of being afraid of the "backlash". Can you talk to us about the backlash (what it entails and what it means to you)?

dandylion

Sadconfused

Hammer, that is a great idea. I am going to try it.

Im just struggling a little I guess. I am out of denial, I know there is no turning back and your right I can see some of that life, the things I want it to be. I know what I want it to be and what I dont want. Just having a hard time finding my way I guess.

The backlash I speak of is anything from manipulation, threats, disappointment, and if I push it far enough his physical abuse. I told him last night when he asked me what I wanted, that I really just want to be able to live without trying to meet expectations and standards that mean nothing to me, ones that belong to other people instead of myself. That isnt his problem or his fault. That is mine, one that started when I was really young with my A father. I think I am going to make a list of MY expectations and standards, Im not even sure what they are.

Hammer

Yeah, making that "map" or expectations and standards, as you say, takes some real time and some real thought.

But hey, what else is going to be able to happen in your mind when you are in the "lost" state, anyway?

Really takes the focus off *them* (which is good for you and them, anyway) and puts it on YOU and where YOU want to go and be.

Rosiepetal

I see lots of "I" statements in your post & that is a good sign.
You "I" is the most important thing in life so focus on yourself, it will eventually get easier.
Big hugs.

hopeful4

SC...you absolutely belong here!!! We support you! You are moving through stages of pain and anguish in your life. Keep moving forward...you are not alone!!!

((Huge Hugs))...God Bless!

lillamy

Sadconfused,

That is a powerful post. The fact that you could write it means you are a step away from it and can look at it and call it what it is. I recognize every word. But when I was where you are, I could not have verbalized it or written it out because I was fighting all those things you understand and realize and can say.

You are on your way. You are stronger than you think. And you will find yourself again and laugh hysterically without inhibition or fear. Laugh until your stomach hurts and you're gasping for air.

Trust me. You will. Just keep walking.

Sadconfused

Thank you everyone, I hope you all are right! I hope all the I's and the fact that my mind set has changed a lot helps as long as I keep going. I try to remind myself that none of this is going to happen as quickly as I want and thats ok. I have been with him for almost 13 yrs now so of course it is going to take awhile to undo all the screwed up-ness.

Had counseling yesterday, I didnt want to go after sitting up all night crying. I was emotionally exhausted but I went anyways. Figure what the hell. I still am not a huge fan of hers but it went better than other times. In the end I left feeling a little better just because I went. She asked me to describe myself in 3 words as in, I am......,........, and ........ I was completely blank. Couldnt even think of any of the negative that usually pops up. All I could come up with is cold and distant. Kinda weird, I knew I had lost myself in all of this but Wow. I know nothing about myself. Even the bad stuff I think is just a reflection of what my A father and abf have made me believe. Anyways by the end of the hour she asked me one more time if I had any more I had thought of because she said she could think of a lot just from the 4 sessions she has spent with me. Determined, thats the only thing I know about myself. Not a bad thing to be, I know I am and I hope to eventually build on that list.

So I have 2 sickly kids today, my own and my niece. We are going to hang out here. I am going to make a few calls I need to make and maybe try to set up something so I can go visit the local shelter. I think I am going to spend most of my day journaling. I want to start a few list and stuff.

I like that saying lillamy, Just keep walking. Thank you.

(((Hugs)))

dandylion

SC---If there is one thing I know about us "country girls" is that we can be determined as He**, w hen we set our minds to something! And, that is going to serve you well.

"She is as enduring an' strong as a hickory stick!"

dandylion

amy55

SC, how are you doing, thinking about you. Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving.

dandylion

Yes, SC--I was thinking about you and hoping that you and your daughter had a good Thanksgiving Day.

dandylion