Stories of how kids handled the situation in the long run...
as a side note...there was never any abuse in our life..my XRAH never even raised his voice at me or the kids. he just sat in the garage and drank and was absent from our family. He was a shadow in our lives and was more passive aggressive then anything. He was the sad pitiful look at me im so depressed kind of drunk. When he did participate in the family we (all of us, my boys are hilarious) would laugh and laugh. We all had the same sense of humour and loved to pick on the other. I remember those times a lot.
I think that is why some of it has been confusing for my boys. there was never any blow up screaming fights...when we separated we still spent all our time together when he wasn't in AA meetings. He just all the sudden disappeared and I think the boys were shocked more then anything.
Now they say hes not even the person they knew...he was the last person they thought would do what he has done. I wish they would go to Alanon. S16 tried it and didn't like it but I think he would benefit the most from it. S30 just thinks hes a you know what and has washed his hands of him. S23 has multiple disabilities and is cognitively delayed..he doesn't really understand fully but I know he misses him. They were very close. XRAH hasn't even asked about him but twice in 2 years. wow...that makes me sad.
I think that is why some of it has been confusing for my boys. there was never any blow up screaming fights...when we separated we still spent all our time together when he wasn't in AA meetings. He just all the sudden disappeared and I think the boys were shocked more then anything.
Now they say hes not even the person they knew...he was the last person they thought would do what he has done. I wish they would go to Alanon. S16 tried it and didn't like it but I think he would benefit the most from it. S30 just thinks hes a you know what and has washed his hands of him. S23 has multiple disabilities and is cognitively delayed..he doesn't really understand fully but I know he misses him. They were very close. XRAH hasn't even asked about him but twice in 2 years. wow...that makes me sad.
My father was alcoholic and made the lives of the family (mother and 3 brothers) totally chaotic. This was in the early 60s.. my mother kicked him out, risking social and religious isolation by divorcing and remarrying, but it was the BEST THING she could have done, and I'm not kidding. I thank her and my stepfather for salvaging my childhood--not only were my teens salvaged--I flourished.
When my father died in the Bowery when I was 18 I was totally devastated, mourning a relationship that wasn't. As a result, I think my unresolved grief led me to marry my AH. We've been married 36 years and had 4 kids, which brings me to Chapter 2:
Except for 5 years of sobriety when my kids were teens, my H has been an active alcoholic, and so they have been subjected to all the craziness. Why didn't I follow my mother's footsteps? I really think it goes back to those unresolved feelings surrounding losing my father to alcohol. However, despite AHs drinking, we are a very, very close family. Not kidding. Don't know how that happened, except that AH is generally a very loving guy, even when drunk, and the kids feel loved, even when he acts like a jerk--and they ALL call him out on that without compunction.
I always feared my oldest DS35 would be alcoholic because of his impulsive nature, but he is not. OTOH, DS33 worries about his alcoholism. He's been to AA, he's had bouts of total sobriety. It hasn't affected work but it may have affected relationships. Don't know what will happen with him, but at least he's aware of the issue.
DS29 is almost definitely an alcoholic, and I worry most about him because he doesn't see the potential train wreck. He's the "sensitive, suffering artist" type who tends to romanticize pain and suffering. Yes, I do worry about him.
DD28 doesn't seem to have any issues. In fact she's a really strong person. However, the damage may be in her inability to commit to a relationship. I know she's young, but she has a very "open" style of relationships (like feeling it's OK to date other people even when you're living with someone), and I think that's from an inability to connect emotionally with people on a meaningful level. Who knows--I'm no psychologist, but I'm constantly looking for writing on the wall.
When my father died in the Bowery when I was 18 I was totally devastated, mourning a relationship that wasn't. As a result, I think my unresolved grief led me to marry my AH. We've been married 36 years and had 4 kids, which brings me to Chapter 2:
Except for 5 years of sobriety when my kids were teens, my H has been an active alcoholic, and so they have been subjected to all the craziness. Why didn't I follow my mother's footsteps? I really think it goes back to those unresolved feelings surrounding losing my father to alcohol. However, despite AHs drinking, we are a very, very close family. Not kidding. Don't know how that happened, except that AH is generally a very loving guy, even when drunk, and the kids feel loved, even when he acts like a jerk--and they ALL call him out on that without compunction.
I always feared my oldest DS35 would be alcoholic because of his impulsive nature, but he is not. OTOH, DS33 worries about his alcoholism. He's been to AA, he's had bouts of total sobriety. It hasn't affected work but it may have affected relationships. Don't know what will happen with him, but at least he's aware of the issue.
DS29 is almost definitely an alcoholic, and I worry most about him because he doesn't see the potential train wreck. He's the "sensitive, suffering artist" type who tends to romanticize pain and suffering. Yes, I do worry about him.
DD28 doesn't seem to have any issues. In fact she's a really strong person. However, the damage may be in her inability to commit to a relationship. I know she's young, but she has a very "open" style of relationships (like feeling it's OK to date other people even when you're living with someone), and I think that's from an inability to connect emotionally with people on a meaningful level. Who knows--I'm no psychologist, but I'm constantly looking for writing on the wall.
My paternal grandfather was a raging, mean alcoholic who died before I was born. I don't think I have ever seen my dad drink more than 1 glass of wine or beer in my entire life.
My father often tells us that early in his life he adopted a hierarchy value system that (at age 85 he still lives by today).
God
His wife (my mom)
His children
His community
The man is 85 years old and every single week for the last 7 years he has driven cancer patients for their chemo treatments 4 days a week and on the 5th day he delivers for meals on wheels. My mom died in June (after 53 years of marriage), he stops by her grave daily to visit with her and I know for a fact that not one day of those 53 years went by without him telling her how much she was loved. I have always felt safe in my life because of my dad. He is the first person neighbors, friends, and his children call when help is needed because we know without a doubt, he will drop everything and be there for someone in need.
And he is the child of an alcoholic.
My father often tells us that early in his life he adopted a hierarchy value system that (at age 85 he still lives by today).
God
His wife (my mom)
His children
His community
The man is 85 years old and every single week for the last 7 years he has driven cancer patients for their chemo treatments 4 days a week and on the 5th day he delivers for meals on wheels. My mom died in June (after 53 years of marriage), he stops by her grave daily to visit with her and I know for a fact that not one day of those 53 years went by without him telling her how much she was loved. I have always felt safe in my life because of my dad. He is the first person neighbors, friends, and his children call when help is needed because we know without a doubt, he will drop everything and be there for someone in need.
And he is the child of an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
justagirl...your post made me think, and Im so worried that this would be a post that my S16 will post years from now. I worry that my codependency will have more of an impact then his fathers drinking. I have to start focusing on that ..I don't want him to think of me the way you see your mother. thanks for that viewpoint.
That said, I feel the same way. A major motivator for me getting healthy is my children. No, I can't fix the damage done previously, but I can hope that seeing me own up to my issues, make amends for them, and work through them will give my children the courage to do the same.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
My daughter has a good-enough relationship with her father, and she loves him, but she knows his limitations. I tossed him out when she was eight, and she is 22 now. She thanks me for divorcing him because she remembers the fighting and his drunkenness and my screaming before we split, and she remembers it as being awful. When he becomes irrational she just leaves and turns her back on him and detaches.
Once the divorce was going through, we agreed to be civil for her sake, and for the most part, we were. Because he had threatened to take her and disappear if I divorced him, I had a restraining order that required him to do a out-patient rehab program before he could have unsupervised visitation. He didn't actually ever quit drinking or anything, but it made it so that he didn't drink when he first began having visitation and he did stop using cocaine at that point so he wasn't quite as bonkers as he'd been before. She later took some control once he gained employment and began to take her out to dinner--at twelve, she laid down the law that he could have no more than three beers when he was around her because after three he got too stupid. She carried taxi money in case she ever had to call a cab instead of getting into a car with him, and he knew it. As a matter of fact, she once called me from an airport in Memphis to let me know that her father was at the bar drinking with some strangers and that they were calling to board their flight and he wasn't coming and she was just going to get on the plane by herself (he did get on). He complied with her rules until she was around 16 or so and then I remember her being disgusted because she would have her friends over for sleepovers at his place and he would go to the bar and come home drunk and embarrass her in front of her friends.
I have great health insurance so she got to see a therapist as a teenager and work out whatever she had to work out.
She graduated from college this past May, and we all went out to dinner with my ex and I splitting the bill. He of course got drunker and stupider as the dinner went on, but everyone at the table, including my daughter, expected this. His current girlfriend gets to take him home and deal with him so it's not as if my daughter has to do any caretaking. I taught her that that's not her job. I don't want her to do what I did or be what I was.
So far she has had two long-term boyfriend relationships, and neither are addicts or alcoholics. The first was a high-school boyfriend that ended the second year of college, and the last one was a great guy that she just broke up with--sad because they really do like each other but have completely different goals in life and it was becoming apparent that they are growing apart. But so far, no signs of codependency in her.
Once the divorce was going through, we agreed to be civil for her sake, and for the most part, we were. Because he had threatened to take her and disappear if I divorced him, I had a restraining order that required him to do a out-patient rehab program before he could have unsupervised visitation. He didn't actually ever quit drinking or anything, but it made it so that he didn't drink when he first began having visitation and he did stop using cocaine at that point so he wasn't quite as bonkers as he'd been before. She later took some control once he gained employment and began to take her out to dinner--at twelve, she laid down the law that he could have no more than three beers when he was around her because after three he got too stupid. She carried taxi money in case she ever had to call a cab instead of getting into a car with him, and he knew it. As a matter of fact, she once called me from an airport in Memphis to let me know that her father was at the bar drinking with some strangers and that they were calling to board their flight and he wasn't coming and she was just going to get on the plane by herself (he did get on). He complied with her rules until she was around 16 or so and then I remember her being disgusted because she would have her friends over for sleepovers at his place and he would go to the bar and come home drunk and embarrass her in front of her friends.
I have great health insurance so she got to see a therapist as a teenager and work out whatever she had to work out.
She graduated from college this past May, and we all went out to dinner with my ex and I splitting the bill. He of course got drunker and stupider as the dinner went on, but everyone at the table, including my daughter, expected this. His current girlfriend gets to take him home and deal with him so it's not as if my daughter has to do any caretaking. I taught her that that's not her job. I don't want her to do what I did or be what I was.
So far she has had two long-term boyfriend relationships, and neither are addicts or alcoholics. The first was a high-school boyfriend that ended the second year of college, and the last one was a great guy that she just broke up with--sad because they really do like each other but have completely different goals in life and it was becoming apparent that they are growing apart. But so far, no signs of codependency in her.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
The world twists in circles tonight.
Mrs. Hammer is off to take #2 kid -- our 9 y.o. Cub Scout to Alateen tonight. We (cub scout and I) did a Scout camp-out last night and I think Mrs. Hammer felt left out.
So she wanted to do something with him today. So I guess this is what rolled up. He seemed ok with it and off they went.
It is a new-comer AA meeting that Mrs. Hammer will be sitting through next right door. About right for her Dry Drunk / Relapsing arrogant butt. Means that Mrs. Hammer may inadvertently be sitting right next to my Arch-Angel Meth-Beth.
Kick Mrs. Hammer's ass, God!
Was wondering what the preacher at church this morning was going on about asking us to put some power in our prayers this week. I did, and we are supposed to report back on the results, next week.
Should be an interesting week.
Mrs. Hammer is off to take #2 kid -- our 9 y.o. Cub Scout to Alateen tonight. We (cub scout and I) did a Scout camp-out last night and I think Mrs. Hammer felt left out.
So she wanted to do something with him today. So I guess this is what rolled up. He seemed ok with it and off they went.
It is a new-comer AA meeting that Mrs. Hammer will be sitting through next right door. About right for her Dry Drunk / Relapsing arrogant butt. Means that Mrs. Hammer may inadvertently be sitting right next to my Arch-Angel Meth-Beth.
Kick Mrs. Hammer's ass, God!
Was wondering what the preacher at church this morning was going on about asking us to put some power in our prayers this week. I did, and we are supposed to report back on the results, next week.
Should be an interesting week.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I don't have kids, but I am an ACoA. My Mum was the alcoholic, my Dad was the codependant. My Mum has stopped drinking, but not through any program of recovery. I am still uncovering a lot of the hurt I didn't even know was there from her alcoholism. I feel compassion for her and only a small amount of anger at her actions. We are not terribly close, there are things I don't feel I can talk to her about, such as everything that has been going on in my life with XABF. I accept her for the self-centered person she is an act accordingly.
There are definitely times when I feel my father's codependancy has has more of an impact of me than my mother's drinking. The control, the unreasonable expectations, the manipulation all affected my sense of self and have contributed to me handing over so much power to other people as an adult, since my own decisions, wishes and emotions were not respected if they were not in line with what Dad wanted. I didn't speak to my Dad for some time as I needed to get away from his control. We do have a good, relatively close relationship now that neither one of our decisions affects the other's life, I can talk to him about most things, but I still have to enforce my boundaries when he starts trying to take over.
The impact of alcoholism on children definitely reaches beyond just that of the actively drinking person - it truly is a family illness. I want kids more than anything, but I am grateful to have not had them yet so I can get healthy first and (hopefully) not perpetuate the cycle for future generations.
There are definitely times when I feel my father's codependancy has has more of an impact of me than my mother's drinking. The control, the unreasonable expectations, the manipulation all affected my sense of self and have contributed to me handing over so much power to other people as an adult, since my own decisions, wishes and emotions were not respected if they were not in line with what Dad wanted. I didn't speak to my Dad for some time as I needed to get away from his control. We do have a good, relatively close relationship now that neither one of our decisions affects the other's life, I can talk to him about most things, but I still have to enforce my boundaries when he starts trying to take over.
The impact of alcoholism on children definitely reaches beyond just that of the actively drinking person - it truly is a family illness. I want kids more than anything, but I am grateful to have not had them yet so I can get healthy first and (hopefully) not perpetuate the cycle for future generations.
The world twists in circles tonight.
Mrs. Hammer is off to take #2 kid -- our 9 y.o. Cub Scout to Alateen tonight. We (cub scout and I) did a Scout camp-out last night and I think Mrs. Hammer felt left out.
So she wanted to do something with him today. So I guess this is what rolled up. He seemed ok with it and off they went.
It is a new-comer AA meeting that Mrs. Hammer will be sitting through next right door. About right for her Dry Drunk / Relapsing arrogant butt. Means that Mrs. Hammer may inadvertently be sitting right next to my Arch-Angel Meth-Beth.
Kick Mrs. Hammer's ass, God!
Was wondering what the preacher at church this morning was going on about asking us to put some power in our prayers this week. I did, and we are supposed to report back on the results, next week.
Should be an interesting week.
Mrs. Hammer is off to take #2 kid -- our 9 y.o. Cub Scout to Alateen tonight. We (cub scout and I) did a Scout camp-out last night and I think Mrs. Hammer felt left out.
So she wanted to do something with him today. So I guess this is what rolled up. He seemed ok with it and off they went.
It is a new-comer AA meeting that Mrs. Hammer will be sitting through next right door. About right for her Dry Drunk / Relapsing arrogant butt. Means that Mrs. Hammer may inadvertently be sitting right next to my Arch-Angel Meth-Beth.
Kick Mrs. Hammer's ass, God!
Was wondering what the preacher at church this morning was going on about asking us to put some power in our prayers this week. I did, and we are supposed to report back on the results, next week.
Should be an interesting week.
Hopefully Meth Beth will send her some good vibes LOL. I hope you and the Scout had a great camp out!
I am going to put some more power in my prayers this week too...and did so yesterday also. Lets compare notes next week!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I am pretty impressed by this Mr. Hammer! If I remember correctly you thought Mrs. Hammer would have an absolute terror by your young 9 y/o going to Alateen. I know she did not say much, but it is huge progress that she is delevering said child there, correct?! It is great that she took your child there. Even if it is not for her, it is good that she supports it that much to be willing to go. One less thing your 9 y/o needs to worry about, and they definitely need less worry in their young lives!
Hopefully Meth Beth will send her some good vibes LOL. I hope you and the Scout had a great camp out!
I am going to put some more power in my prayers this week too...and did so yesterday also. Lets compare notes next week!
Hopefully Meth Beth will send her some good vibes LOL. I hope you and the Scout had a great camp out!
I am going to put some more power in my prayers this week too...and did so yesterday also. Lets compare notes next week!
I got to hear about how the AA New-Comers meeting probably had "child molesters, etc." at it -- right next to the Alateen and all. [roll eyes]. [To myself -- Sure I know how all you "A"s are.]
The kids and I are all just thankful there is no open berserk this time. Still laughing at my 11 y.o. daughter (we laugh together) since she literally dove from the room to hide when she heard the 6 y.o. told Mrs. Hammer that the 9 y.o. Cub Scout had been to Alateen last week.
But on to Powerful Prayers.
==================
Dear God,
Please open our eyes to see the Angels around us, and let us understand Your will and Your way for our lives, and grant us the wisdom, courage and strength to follow and carry that out.
Amen.
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