pattyG

It has been a long time since I've posted...I've read on here frequently. My AGF of 5 yrs has been the rollercoaster ride from hell. I am a 48yo woman with 4 kids the oldest of which is 6yo...and I am currently 5 months pregnant. I also take care of my disabled 90yo mother. Shortly after I had my youngest...a son...she basically abandoned the relationship. Her goal had been to get her name on his birth certificate. ..which I did. When he was 6 months old she took me to court trying to get rights to my kids. It went to court and she lost. We had been estranged for 5 months...but I felt that my other half was missing. We tried again at out relationship and on my son's 1st birthday she decided to go to rehab. She lasted 10 days and then signed out came home and did outpatient. We haven't lived together since my son was born 17 months ago. In August she broke up with me and a few days later we were talking. ..she was going sailing on the boat I bought her a few years ago alone. Turns out she wasn't alone and got a DWI. A whole new level of chaos. It turns out she went boating with this A woman who sleeps with her best friend. At first I walk away...disgusted over the dwi and the fact she lied about who she was with. Then I decided to be supportive. I lent her $4000 and helped her find an excellent lawyer. The loan was suppose to be short term. A few weeks later I found a text from an ex GF of hers on her phone. Again upset that she hid it from me. We were estranged for a few weeks. During that time she did a transfer from a credit card and paod me back most of what she owed me. We had planned a cruise which we just got back from. It seemed everything over the last few weeks were trying to suck it up until the ctuise. I found out the woman she got the dwi with had moved in sometime in Sept. She insisted it was only until the end of Oct. We returned from the cruise this weekend. I then found out she bought this woman a watch on the cruise. It just sent me over the edge. I had texted her to get a box of diapers for the baby...but she didn't see the text until after they left walmart....you guessed it she and her "roomie" had to go there to buy some things her eoom needed. I said you told me she was moving out Nov 1...she said things have changed. She needs the rent to afford to live. Yet she has charged herself a ton of unnecessary crap in the past few weeks. Anyway...today she paid me back the last $900 she owed me in gift cards...which is the only way I would get it. I feel so screwed up in the head. I don't think she has been drinking yet she isn't going to meetings or working a program. She twists everything to meet her own needs. I don't think she is sleeping with this woman but the fact she sleeps there and they spend a lot of time together drives me nuts. Tonite I'm okay nut yesterday I was a mess....crying all day...trying to get her to meet my needs and her being cold and cruel. How did I fall this far?
A few weeks ago I got in trouble at work...was pretty much targeted for being pregnant or gay or both. I was actually suspended. I was a wreck. All I wanted was her to tell me things would be okay. Instead she picked a fight with me. I was called back to work in a day but there are still issues. I wish I could be over the addiction of this relationship once and for all. I wish I could accept it will never be good or what I need.

MissFixit

i am sorry you are in pain.

your agf sounds very unstable. you said your needs are not being met. what do you want from her right now?

lillamy

Babe,

Take a deep breath. And then ask yourself why you're going back to the hardware store for bread over and over when, every time, you are told they don't have it?

Your AGF is toxic. I know what it's like to feel like you really honestly cannot live without a certain person. I've done what you've done -- crawled in the mud for crumbs from the table of a person who shows you in every way possible that s/he does not give a flying eff about you. If she did, she wouldn't be living with someone else and lying to you about it. (In my case, the man I was madly in love with married someone else and was hoping I wouldn't find out.)

You have a handful of kids who need you. You have a mom who needs you. Your AGF is messing with your mind. It's OK to back away and say "no more." It really is.

And I'm saying that because somewhere, in that long story of yours, I sense a request for permission to give up on AGF and move on with your own life, separate from hers. You don't need anyone's permission. You can just do it. Because you're in charge of your choices.

pattyG

Missfixit...
What I want? A partner...a commitment. Her to come her and be with me and the kids because she wants to. Honesty. Trust. Some financial investment...not a lot...but offer to buy food once and awhile. Or plan a holiday WITH me...not do your own thing parallel to me. Recognize when I am upset and overwhelmed and offer to help. Or rub my back. Not scream and hang up on me. She resents that I can manage my money and yet I won't be a sugar mama. She says she wants to live together...yet she can't afford to share expenses in ANY way and wants all of her demands met.
I have been seeing a counselor since March...it helps a little but I don't think she really gets how bad a relationship addict with an A is. I know I am sick. I know sitting in my basement bawling my eyes out for hours is wrong on so many levels. Where is my sense of self? My self esteem?
Normal people decide on continuing a serious relationship based on financial stability and trust. They could have a stable non addicted partner and end the relationship over financial irresponsibility. I look at my AGF charging necklaces, luggage, coats, watches (not 1 but4), clothes...etc. that's the short list I know about. At first I worry about the debt she is driving herself in...then I keep my mouth shut as to avoid an argument. I spent the whole cruise keeping my mouth shut.
My kids love her. I feel bad for them. They know when I'm upset and I hate that they see it. They spent 8 days with her too. They get used to her being there...then not there. She consistently has wanted to maintain a relationship with them. I am not able to handle that contact. I feel disgarded. She came today while I was at work and spent an hour with them. Later they are asking me if she can come this weekend while I am at Reserves. No I don't want her to. I am hurting...

pattyG

Lilamy..
I do think on some level I am looking for validation that it is okay to give up. To move on. I always thought when she quit drinking it would be better...it isn't. I get less now then I ever have. I am guilty of it too. I have been hurt and lied to so many times its hard to trust and invest in the relationship. It seems every time I do I get blindsided. Some lie crops up.

MissFixit

she doesnt sound like an equal partner. sounds like she wants a parent to pay for her and let her do whatever she wants without contributing anything back. perpetual teenager. selfish and immature? she isnt committed as she sees others on a level that hurts you despite your pleas.

she is showing who she is and what she wants/ is willing to give to you. you say you are unhappy with what she gives/ doesnt do.

acceptance that others are not the people we want them to be can be really hard.

pattyG

I read the posts to those going through this and get help from that. It seems all A's are unstable, learn how to humiliate there partners, do horrible things without regard to the effect it has on those around them. I remember a me a long long time ago...who had expectations of a partner..a relationship. Who wasn't afraid to walk away if that other person violated my trust or disregarded me. Where did she go? How is it after all these years I am now this desperate, grabbing at straws, willing to accept anything ttpe of woman? I spent MONTHs on this and other websites...trying to get over...through this relationship. Over and over. It is almost like quitting smoking. You have to keep trying and not let failure deter you. It is just I. Am tired.

naturelvr

Patty, my story was exactly as you describe yours sans the children. My GF was spending time with a program friend and it didn't feel right to me and it turns out that my feelings were confirmed. We separated but remained in the house we have owned together for 15 years.

I was devastated! I wanted her to do and be the person I'd met 20 years ago but she wasn't capable of being present in the relationship. I had been going to Al Anon meetings for a year when we separated and I decided it was time to work on myself. I found a sponsor, worked the steps and began to really apply Al Anon to every aspect of my life. I started getting better and regaining my self esteem and felt good about myself. I no longer needed someone else to validate me.

And you know what happened? My GF finally had enough of the way things were and committed to recovery. We are together today but if that changes tomorrow, I know I'll be fine. Work to focus on yourself and respect her enough to allow her to live her own life. After all, don't you want to be able to make decisions for yourself? This is a gentle program that gradually teaches us how to live and have healthy relationships. Short term pain for long term gain... You can do this!

pattyG

Naturelvr...that sounds horrible. I find it hard to imagine living with her while she is involved with someone else. I make myself go back and see the changes...how 5yrs ago..we lived together...she helped with the kids, the house, finances. When arguments/issues arose she was willing/able to say she was committed to this relationship. Now she is anxious to walk away as long as she can still see the kids. I got a text last nite...basically I got my money she wants to see "her" kids this weekend. I didn't respond. Normally I would give a long text about what issues...etc. ultimately while venting made me feel better she got more and more angry...spewing hatred back. On another thread someone said...do the opposite.
She loves to call then hers. And I get caught up in that.

pattyG

Well I got another text demanding to see "her" kids. I waited a bit but decided to respond. It was too wordy, but basically I told her these are not "her" kids. She has taken no responsibility for them and just because she believes it to be so, doesn't make it true. I know that from here she will block me on facebook, probably block my phone number. That is what always happens. It seems she strikes my despiration nerve - the one that makes me feel abandoned. Knowing that I can't contact her...her being totally done with ME. It always causes me alot of distress. I am trying to accept this is coming and be ready for it. I am trying to reprogram my own thoughts: I am a single parent with 4 children, these are NOT her kids, I owe her nothing in regards to them. The best thing for them is a healthy mom. I woke last night with palpitations. It was scary.
I have stuffed my feelings for so long in this relationship. I know I have to start working through them safely. I have made my life so busy to avoid getting to know me. Filled it to the brim. I now have to learn how to create some "me" time. The hardest thing for me right now is living in the moment. I get depressed, emotional...and the temptation is there to wallow in self-pity and tears. I know the way out is to let it go and live in the moment. I just haven't gotten good at doing it yet. But I am going to try.

Florence

You can have those things. But not with her. She has shown you over and over again that she will not give you this.

It was very empowering for me to decide how I wanted to live my life, and whether or not my XAH fit into it. He and his needs and patterns and behavior were not only antithetical to the life I wanted, but actively impeded me from achieving it.

It doesn't matter if she turns her back on you, if you've already turned your back on this hell-show. You have to decide that you don't want whatever she's serving.

Florence

Oh, I went through a lot of this when I was pregnant, too, and my therapist was adamant that I find time to really physically comfort myself. She said to drink warm herbal tea (check that your choice is okay with your pregnancy), wear comfy clothing, rest a lot, read, wrap myself up in blankets, soft, warm slippers. You want your life at home to be one giant hug. Give yourself this for at least an hour every day.

It helped. This gave me a little time and space to feel at peace, which made it easier to navigate any curve balls my XAH threw my way.

pattyG

I need to constantly remind myself ...I am choosing to get off this rollercoaster. I didn't abandon the relationship or ruin her relationship with my kids. She made her choices.

Florence

Remember your signature! "No new contact = No new hurts"

Recovering2

Lillamy said exactly what I was thinking when reading your post. You continue to go to the hardware store looking to buy bread. You have been through this again and again with this woman. She has shown you over and over and over who she is, yet you still think it's possible for her to be different. This really isn't her issue at this point IMO, it's yours. As long as you allow yourself to be treated this way, she will continue her normal A behaviors.

No new contact....heed your own words. Let her go and focus on your future. That future won't change until you decide it changes....

LightInside

I love this. Yes. Take good care of you, Patty.