hopeful4

This is so very true. It usto make me livid when my AH would promise me not to drink/to drink less/only drink one per week/only drink certain days per week/you can see where this went....then failed. Now it makes me more sad. I can see that he knows in his head that he needs to stop. I believe he wants to stop. I believe he wants it to be the truth. I think we both stopped believing that a long time ago.

You can never bargain with someone who even lies to themselves. He means it when he says it, at the time. But the urge is too much. I accept that. Does not mean I will live with it forever or that it does not still make me mad. I am mad as he@@ but it does not do any good. It is a waste of my own sanity!

I guess I am in a stage of soul searching right now and I believe my AH is too. I have detatched and he can see that, I think it scares him to be honest. I can just say in this moment he is sober and is home cooking with my daughter and for that I am thankful. I will take that at this moment.

hopeful4

Just checking in and wondering how you are doing? Thinking of you!

amhwhy

Thank you hopeful4. I really appreciate that.

I'm doing okay. He finally brought the subject up last night, said felt lonely and that is why he drank. Said I shouldn't have brought the granddaughter out because it was to be our weekend. I just looked at him (and yes, I played into it) I asked if she would have stayed home, would that have meant that his brother, wife and friend would not have shown up either? He didn't say anything and I let it go.

I have been reading about detaching and emotionally I have, (not sure if emotional shut down is a good thing or not). It seems I no longer get angry when stuff like that happens. It is like I expect it so I do not stay mad long.

How am I suppose to handle that with him? Do I just carry on like nothing happened? Do I just let it go? If I do that he will think the situation didn't matter, and it is okay because I am not upset.

Any words of wisdom?

Ruby2

Well, in my house, the "I drank because I was lonely" excuse is just todays justification for getting drunk. He could have stubbed his toe. He could have seen a lunar eclipse. He nicked himself shaving. It is always something and not usually something that makes sense. Or it starts a stupid fight to justify (my AHs) flinging himself out of the house to go drink.

For what it's worth. I was an 8 - 12 beers a night drinker for a very long time. I know that if I didn't have beer at the ready the next day I was irritable beyond belief, shaky and anxious until I started drinking again. The absolute agony of not drinking drives people to drink more to alleviate the pain.

Hang in there. You probably won't get a straight answer from him if you engage him. My AH hasn't done a lick of housework unless it is his laundry and he needs clean clothes. When I asked him about that and tole him i needed help he gave me the weasel answer "I cleaned the house Friday." Okay, one day out of the past. 3 months.

You did fine. I am lately so angry that I am snarky and loud but I am venting at my AH and working in detachment.

Hang in there

amhwhy

He asked me tonight, while drinking a beer, why I think he has a problem. I gave him a few examples like him passing out at the kitchen table and almost falling off the chair - him passing out in bed still holding his phone - him not remembering our conversations, etc...

He didn't see a problem with it, he says he's happier when he drinks and he doesn't hurt from his diabetes and the nerve damage.

Says as far as he's concerned I shouldn't have a problem with it because he doesn't see one. He wasn't mean or anything just told me like he saw it.

I am so frustrated, I just don't know what to do. I told him it wouldn't matter what I say or how much I try to convince him until he realizes that he has a problem there's no reason for this conversation.

LaTeeDa

Here's the thing. If he saw it as a problem, then he would have to change something. He doesn't see a problem, so no change on his part is needed. It's you who has the problem. Thus, the change is needed on your end. I know this may sound backward, and even a little bit harsh, but expecting him to change in order to make you feel better just isn't going to get you anywhere. He's going to keep doing what he's doing. The question is, what are you going to do?

L

SparkleKitty

Why YOU think HE has a problem is totally irrelevant. You already know nothing you say or do will convince him you are right.

The relevant information is that YOU have a problem with it. The time will come when you will stop worrying about what he believes and start acting on what you believe. Only then will anything change.

amhwhy

I know I have two choices either accept him as he is or I need to leave. I need to quit playing mind games with myself and just do it...

LaTeeDa

From my experience, accepting him as he is would be the first step. Deciding whether to stay or go comes after. It goes in this order: Awareness-->Acceptance-->Action. Leaving is an action (so is actively deciding to stay, BTW). I see a lot of people get stuck and beat themselves up because they aren't ready to take action. But, they want to just skip the acceptance part, which is crucial if you want to be at peace with your actions. As long as you still think that something you say or do will change him, you haven't come to grips with the second A yet. Don't push yourself into action until you really, really accept that he is who he is.

L

hopeful4

You cannot convince him he has a problem is the thing. That would bring him out of denial and he would have to take action...sounds like he is not going to do that at all.

I too have detatched so much. My AH drank the other day, I made him leave the house and stay at his sisters. He pulled all kinds of crap to make me feel bad, I straightened that out pretty quickly. Today he says he misses me and wants to cuddle with me. HA....no thanks. But you know what, it did not ruin my night. I still spent it with my kids and watched movies and told him he better speak to the kids about it (I already did) and warned him I said I wont ever lie again for him and that I told the kids why I made him leave.

I think it alarms my AH to see me detatch as it certainly should because every day I detatch I become stronger and see that I can do this no matter the outcome. So can you. No matter what you decide. I don't pretend it did not happen but for my own sake I don't let my anger get the best of me. I tell him I am angry calmly and move on.

One day I will be strong enough to tell him to leave and not come back at all...but not now during the holidays, that is a decision I made for my kidlets.

Good Luck and God Bless to you. I hope you are getting support for you!