Feeling Unjustifiably Angry?
 

Hi,

I have had a lot of trouble with my dad, but recently it has been in a different way. He was an alcoholic for years and went to rehab. Yet he continues to drink whenever he feels like it. My parents just settled their divorce and I found out some new information. My dad is with some woman and lives with her nearby. He used to be gone for days at a time over the summer, saying that he was living at his new apartment a few towns away. Meanwhile, he was probably with her (basically a cheater since the divorce wasn't finalized). I also found out that he introduced her to his family and friends and took her to the place where I grew up (it is a popular vacation spot). Then when I tell him to leave me alone for the thousandth time, he all of sudden decides to obey. This was just last month, and it is my freshman year of college. All of this shouldn't be a big deal, but it has been really affecting me in ways that I can't explain to anyone. I have been drinking a lot on the weekends, and once I start, I can't stop. I know it is stupid to drink when I am related to an alcoholic and saw how it can affect a person and those around them but I can't help it. I feel like I could drink myself into a coma. The worst part is that I am attending counseling sessions, but they really aren't helping. I think my anger runs so deep, it is a part of me now. I am unjustifiably angry at my dad for ignoring me since I told him to, but I feel really lost. He just gives me money every month because that was in the divorce deal and he gave me an extra 50 for Thanksgiving. Wow, thanks Dad. It just seems so wrong to me. He has replaced my Mom and me with some new woman, who is older by the way, and has a lot of money. I keep thinking that I will never be good enough for him or anyone else for that matter. He keeps getting what he wants. He never has to work for anything. He is the person everyone always forgives and loves. I am unlovable. He always wins, and I always lose. Am I the bad person now? I don't know what to do and I feel like I am going crazy.

Ah no, you are not unloveable. You can't control your Dad, who he sees, what he does, or when he drinks. Maybe it's a good thing to get a little bit of space between you two for awhile. If you think your therapist isn't helping, find another until you get one that can help you. You're not a loser, you are a bright person going to college, preparing yourself for a wonderful future. As far as your drinking, by your post it sounds like you already know you are predisposed to alcoholism. That's scary, be careful. I won't preach, you already know. Just know this, you are not a reflection of what your Dad does or doesn't do. You are a shining star just as you are. Praying for you sweet thing.

CoCo8:
You feel rejected and rightfully so--your father basically did just that to you and your mother and your feelings are justified. You need to make connections with others in the same situation instead of turning to alcohol. My first suggestion is if you have a good relationship with your mother, start there. She is also feeling rejected and you two can help each other through this. Also, try Al Anon. Finally, get one very close friend who you can confide in and talk to this person. Ask them to be available to you when those feelings hit you so instead of drinking you call this person instead. You have the right to feel the way you do. He caused this and completely walked away from his family. Don't ever let yourself think you are not good enough for him--He is not good enough for you!

coco8, Welcome to SR!

Wow! That's a lot to learn about and handle after putting up with the drinking for so long, too. And anger is neither right nor wrong, it's an emotion like any other. It's what we do with our anger that is important, I think.

Sadly, it sounds as though your father has just found another enabler. Someone who will clean up after all his messes and fix/pay for all his mistakes so he doesn't have to have any consequences of his actions--so he can drink without anyone or anything being a buzz-kill.

All of this, however, is no reflection on you. None, Nada. You are absolutely worthy of love--and much better treatment.

I bet your campus has a student counseling service (most do). Can you take the time to make an appointment and talk with someone there?

Also, we have a sub-forum here for people who are now adults but grew up in an alcoholic home. I hope, when you are feeling up to it, you will visit that forum as well.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome, again, coco!

Anger and alcoholism are a deadly mix. I would not be so quick to judge either yourself or your father. Life is complicated, things change and people hurt. I would look into taking care of yourself and getting the anger taken care of before it eats you up. I have had to learn that I cannot let other people define me or control my emotions. You are not a loser.

Hi Coco,

I know this is hard to hear but your dad is doing you a favor. I wish my alcoholic dad had bugged out instead he terrified us with extreme abuse until each of us escaped as very broken traumatized kids at young ages.

The bad news is that you can't choose your relatives but you can choose your family and here at SR we have a family of posters who have rebuilt their lives by supporting each other. You can also find your own family of choice comprised of healthy blood relatives that are healthy as well as friends that you forge close relationships with.

You new life is just beginning and under the best of circumstances this is a tough time of change... how I wish you had a great dad who was there beaming and supportive... but you and I didn't get that and you know what? It's OK... because you can make it and find yourself and change your future to one of happiness, peace and serenity.

You have to work at it though... it's called recovery and its worth finding. I really recommend that you find an alanon meeting... try a few until you find a group you click with.

I also suggest that if the therapist isn't helping then try another and another until you find one that is helping. Make sure they are well versed in addiction and codependency issues... therapists are not created equal.

There are support groups for folks like us too (ACOA) Adult Children of Alcoholics and lots of books on the subject. When we grown up with emotionally unavailable dads it hurts us in ways we don't even know... your hardwiring right now is that you are unlovable and the truth is:

You are lovable but grew up in a toxic home where you had a selfish alcoholic father incapable of real love or healthy relationships. Now you have to rewire what you believe to what is true and untangle the mess your parents created with you in the middle!

So... today is the first day of your road to recovery... time is your friend... we are your friends so come back here often and share what you are feeling. We care. We understand all too well.

And it gets better! Really. YOu can overcome all of it! Take care of you and forget dad for now... maybe something will change some day but he is not worth the effort to try to figure out... there is no figuring out alcoholics anyway!

I have been drinking a lot on the weekends, and once I start, I can't stop. I know it is stupid to drink when I am related to an alcoholic and saw how it can affect a person and those around them but I can't help it. I feel like I could drink myself into a coma.

Sounds pretty unhealthy sweetie. Seems this will only lead to more anger and depression.

It would be great if our parents were who we wanted them to be. Thing is we have no idea what is in the heart and mind of another person. I dont think your father did this to you, I think he just did it . he will have to live with it.

Maybe focus on yourself, and your own happiness and coming to terms with this drinking that you are doing, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, drinking yourself into a coma will get in the way of your being your best self.

Hi Coco.

Sorry to hear your feeling so down. You've found a great place here. There are lots of others who've been through what you're going through. I have found so much comfort, understanding, and great advice with out judgement since I came to SR a few months ago. It really helps to talk with others who get it.

Lets get a couple of things straight, you are not unloveable, you are not a loser, you are not the bad guy, and your anger is not unjustifiable. Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. As someone before me stated it's what you do with them that counts.

Make yourself a list of all of your wonderful qualities, and all of the friends and family in your life who love you. It might help you see the big picture. Your father's problems are not yours and are absolutely not a reflection of who you are.

I must agree with the others here, if you're not getting what you need out of your counselor, keep trying others til you find one you connect with. It's often recommended that people try 3-4 before making a decision on which one to continue seeing. It's as much about personality as it is their knowledge.

Drinking is NOT the answer to your problems. I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching, but it will only add to your suffering. Loving friends and family, counseling, and lots of positive constructive activities are what will help you.

Please come back and post again, we want to hear from you!

Wishing you peace and happiness sweetie. :ring