Dave1977w

On Friday I removed all of my wife's possessions from our house and delivered them to her business premises and asked her not to come back. We have two lovely daughters aged 3 and 5.
My wife had been drinking herself almost unconscious about three times a week since our youngest daughter was born. After some accidents with the children, temporarily paralysing herself, and me filing for divorce she decided to stop drinking, she then got counciling, went to Aa and stopped for about a month. Then she started drinking in "secret" although she couldn't control it at all, and was soon too drunk to collect children from school, went to parents even drunk, etc. the last few weeks she had only Been coming home about 3 nights a week. The other nights she was drinking alone at her hairdressing shop getting men to go there late at night for sex with her. This got too much for me so I took all her stuff out of the house and told her not to come back. I took our two young daughters to see her this morning, at midday when the pub opened she kissed the children goodbye and went drinking. I still love her, although I understand I should have as little to do with her as possible. Is there anything I can do to stop her from drinking herself to death? I feel that because she is the girls mother and still my wife I should try anything that's possible to help her, she won't go to rehab as she doesn't believe she has a problem now that she stopped fora month?

Leana

I'm so sorry for you. I think you've done all you can, your obligation is to protect your children. Just a piece of advise- you may want to do something to prevent your wife from picking the girls up at school. Unless you have some paperwork in place, legally the school will release them to her. From what it sounds like, you may not think that will be an issue but who knows if she is desperate enough and needs money for a drink she might resort to blackmail. Good luck to you.

Hammer

Good job on everything so far.

Now just get ALL THE DISTANCE YOU CAN.

Alanon calls that detachment.

Go. Just Go. Great job on getting the girls safe.

Do not go mess with it. Get the formal divorce put through and be done.

Something far worse than totally gone is half-baked Alkie Zombie still in your and the girls' lives.

Dave1977w

Thanks, we have court hearing in a few weeks so hopefully she will stay away until then. Don't think she will blackmail me, she still manages to work and has people working for her so they make enough money for her booze! I just still want to try and help the crazy women?

suki44883

Sorry you are dealing with this but...you cannot help someone who doesn't want help. She doesn't believe she has a problem, so I doubt there's much you can do for her.

Focus on your children and yourself. They need you. She doesn't.

spiderqueen

Dave,
What terrible, unthinkable, insane, damaging behavior your very sick wife is exhibiting. I am so sorry for your situation, and even sorrier there are small children involved.

I have pondered your question about last ditch efforts to "help" more than I care to admit - and my conclusion, at this point, after much therapy, and education about alcoholism: Helping doesn't help. Period. It simply doesn't matter how much the A loves you, or how much they have to lose. Your AW may find her way to sobriety someday, but it will not be because of your help.

Step back from her as far as you can get, and continue to step fully into your role as the one, stable, healthy, loving parent your daughters have now. Taking care of you and them is the best medicine for everyone now.

Again, I am sorry. Addiction is tragic.

Dave1977w

Thank you. I think that i had figured this out already really, just always doubting myself and my actions. Really helps and reassures me to hear from others about it.

SingledadPolo73

Hi Dave, I know exactly how you feel. My AW stopped drinking for 1 month last year without any help, which just made her think she could control her drinking. I think it just made matters worse, because she would always use that as her argument to not seek help.
Please consider what Leana metioned about protecting the kids in school. I never thought mine would do anything to harm the kids, but she tried basically kidnapping them from school and thank God they missed school that day due to a minor cold.
There is so much information on this site, so please read as much as you can and post your feelings. You need to be strong for your girls. Take care.

honeypig

Dave, you got a lot of good advice here, I think. I'd just like to add that it will be very helpful for you to educate yourself about alcoholism as much as you can. This will do a lot to alleviate your doubts about what is really going on and your feelings of needing to "help" her.

I'd also like to strongly suggest Alanon for support and education for you, too. Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.org/ SR is a wonderful community, but there is something to be said for having real-world help available also. I use both these resources for the strengths of each.

Glad to hear you're taking steps to protect your children and yourself in this situation. Wishing you all the strength, clarity and wisdom you'll need to get thru this!

m1k3

Hi Dave, one of the best things I learned here is the 3C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

There really isn't anything you can do but step back and let her live her life as she chooses. You have neither the ability to change her or the right to make her change.

Your friend,

Dave1977w

Thanks mike, all helps. She's just called and sounds sober so at least she's still alive. Rocky road this marriage to alkie! Hopefully she will sort herself out or leave before I have a heart attack with worry.

JustAGirl1971

Same with my husband. Because he's quit several times for weeks/months/ even a year, all without help, he thinks he doesn't need help. It's something he "enjoys" doing that actually "makes things calmer at home" because then he can "handle me better."

The conclusion I've finally come to is that unless they are ready to quit, nothing we do will help them. And, depending on how we go about "helping" them, we may actually end up enabling them instead.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Dave. Congratulations on getting your wife out of the house and keeping your daughters safe. That's the best thing you can do. I wish I'd been as brave when my children were that age.

BoxinRotz

Making yourself sick with worry does nothing but make you sick! You need to detach and get a grip and stop worrying yourself to the point of being incapacitated. I know this is easier said than done! Believe me... I know that sickness!!!

The truth of the matter is, she's not sick enough that being sober looks like a beautiful thing. She's just not there yet but you need to get there for your children. Stop. Step back. Live.

iSPAZ

Dave,
Sorry you are going through this and my story is very similar. Unfortunately I did not document as well as I should have the extent of my XAW. I had countless chances to video here blackouts and stuff. She was telling me she wanted help yet would not seek it and wanted to work things out when I was at the end of my rope. Then she filed for divorce alleging I was a horrible father and was abusing her and my kids. The fact that I did not documents her episodes left me paying thousands and thousands more in attorney fees. Lost me half of my inheritance from my father. The court forced me to pay for her new Lexus she bought after we had separated. I do not get a dime in child support and I have the kids 95% of the time. Hope things go well. Do the best you can for your girls. Also I still love my ex and pray for her daily. I hope for all our sakes that she gets help. She deserves to be happy just does not see that the alcohol is causing most all of her issues. Cause and effect are reversed.

Dave1977w

Thanks, I've tried to collect as much as I can, once they know our doing it though it gets harder and harder. Now she's hopefully gone I guess I won't have that opportunity anymore, do the courts check with medical records, her notes are full of alcohol related stuff so that may help? She also has this complete inability to act on anything to do with courts/solicitors etc, so that will help me I guess. How do you stop her getting drunk when she's with your kids, or can't you?

Recovering2

You may not see it yet, but you are helping her. The best thing we can do for the A in our life is get out of their way. They have the right to make their choices, and to also experience the full consequences of those choices. She is choosing to not confront her disease, and therefore not get help. Remember the 3 C's. There is nothing you can do about that. What you CAN do is take care of yourself and your children. That IS in your control. Remember the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

iSPAZ

Dave,
Not sure about the courts there but here in Texas it would be very expensive to get medical records. My kids would love to spend time with their mom if she was not drunk all the time. They have chosen not to be around her when she is drunk which means usually just Saturday or Sunday morning. My daughter 20 has a baby 4mo old who both live with me and she has set firm boundaries with her that she does not see the baby when drinking. My ex was a wonderful loving person before she startled drinking and surrounded herself with the most selfish undesirable people you can imagine. So sad to watch. I have tried to talk to her family about the situation but they are too busy defending her and spreading lies about me. I have done all I can do and just have to sit back and watch the destruction. Breaks my heart that my kids will never have the family they deserved because she chooses to not seek help or even acknowledge her addiction. I hope your court system treats you fairly.

Dave1977w

She's back with avengance!

My dear AW returned home on my birthday for a massive row about our children! How lovely she is, are they all this kind? she seems to have encouraged her family to start sending abusive texts and emails too. At least she was sober I suppose, maybe I won't be a single parent after all. Any tips on coping

ResignedToWait

Wait a week...a couple weeks...a month. She'll be right back where she was soon enough.

Hammer

I get in trouble on here when I suggest buying them a bottle.

So I will not do that.

Happy Birthday to You, btw.