Dave1977w

It's very tempting and always on my mind, would be a bit sick though. I'll stick to my sanctimonious ways.

Dave1977w

Thanks, always on my mind that, would be a bit sick though, I'll stick to my sanctimonious ways!

Dave1977w

I'm starting to think that my wife wants to provide me with enough reasons not to let her look after our children, so that she then has the perfect excuse to drink and drink and drink!! Could this be the case? Or has the alcohol genuinely changed an intelligent woman into a completely stupid one within a couple of years? Is it normal to completely loose control over ones actions so quickly?

hopeful4

It happens at different rates for different people. If she is that ate up with alcohol you are quite likely right, she is looking for excuses to drink and drink. In her head she is most likely thinking they are better off without her....sad..but true on both ends...hers and theirs at this point. Obviously I don't know what she is thinking but I have heard that one alot. Quack...Quack....it's an excuse.

You are spending alot of time and energy trying to figure out her thought process. I understand, I did the same thing literally for years. What you need to know is there is no tracking the logical thoughts of an addict...their thoughts are not logical nor are their actions. You will never figure her out, you are wasting your time trying.

Put that energy into Alanon, Celbrate Recovery, or therapy. Get yourself some support so you are able to support your children. They need you to be their rock and their needs come first.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, you're not alone!

Dave1977w

Thanks, I keep trying to give myself that same advice, but keep ignoring it! How very sad I have become!
I think I have become addicted to analysing her behaviour patterns to try and keep the girls safe from harm. What a strange existence this is.

hopeful4

I totally understand. I did internet searches for literally months and have analyzed my AH husband until I am blue in the face. It has not changed anything but made me miserable. I do still analyze how I can keep my kids safe. I won't ever stop that I imagine. That being said, I know the one best thing I can do for them is to work on me. They need a level headed and rational parent. We all know who that will need to be. It's constant work and easy to fall back into those bad codependent behaviors.

Stay strong and be your children's #1 advocate and rock.

Hammer

And along some grimmer aspects -- with her pulling the late night action at the salon . . . she is likely exposed to some nasty diseases.

The type you do not want around the house, toilets, tubs, towels, etc. the kids are using.

Can you not just kick her out and keep her out?

Hammer

And this part . . .

This is wandering deep towards some of the Mental Illness profiles that track with some hard-core, long-term addicts. Are you familiar with this aspect?

Dave1977w

No not familiar at all? Is it worth becoming familiar, easier just to think she's lost the plot. Hard keeping her out, girls love her to bits so can't really refuse entry in front of them?
The more I think about it, perhaps she has been an alcoholic since before we met and I have only just noticed / worried about it now she has lost control over it completely.

Hammer

There are various Personality Disorder level Mental Illnesses that track along with "A" land. Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial are among them.

Yours is starting to sound a bit like this >>>

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

General Forum >>>

BPDFamily.com - Boards

Likely area to find your story >>>

[L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship

hopeful4

The thing is, even if there is underlying mental illness, you still did not cause it nor can you control it. You can watch for it in your children who you will watch like a hawk anyways because they now have a higher chance of being alcoholics themselves (sorry...that's the statistics...i'm in the same boat).

My husband definitely has mental illness. All it did for a while was make me feel sorry for him and tolerate a bunch more BS. He knows right from wrong and he certainly knows how to make decisions for himself. Enough Said.

Take some time to have some peace for yourself.

Dave1977w

Well the mad ones gone away with the girls for the weekend, her sensible sister is with them so I don't have to worry. Al Annon, golf, and finding a new hairdresser for me. I think I'll go to a barbers this time, I don't want history repeating itself!
I know it's not level headed or rational, but has anyone ever demolished their own house to get out of this situation. It needs rebuilding at some point as subsidence and damp get a little worse each year, the plot would become more valuable, me and girls got another house to go to where I wouldn't have to let her in, wife gets another good reason to drink. Everyone's a winner?

Hammer

Sink the ship and drive out / drown the rats!

OUT Freakin STANDING!




You know they used to sink ships to kill Dry Rot. A fungus that gets in the wood. It cannot live between being Very Dry, and Very Wet. So you sink it, kill the fungus, and resurface the ship and seal it.

Hammer

Very good points. Not so much (from my point of view) an excuse as an explanation.

And sort of setting the awareness that EVEN IF the Alcohol went away -- the Real Problems probably would not.

Dave1977w

Good analygy if that's the right word? Not sure I want drown my wife quite yet, ill make sure shes not in. maybe ill check with solicitor on Monday. I can't think of any law I would be breaking as I own the house, she won't play on the divorce front, so while the rats away the mice may play!

m1k3

Hey Dave, I totally relate to where you are at now. For me it was when I was at a point where my gut was telling me something has to change and my head going, no wait I'm not ready. Very bad place to be.

So,maybe if you turn the question around a little. In stead of why doesn't she leave or how can I get rid of her maybe the right question is what can I do for me and my kids.

To me it sounds like you are waiting for someone to give you your freedom. What I learned after spending years in that place is no one else was going to step up and make that decision for me. The ball was in my court and it was up to me to make a choice on what I wanted with my life. Can't tell you what is right for you but I can say is when I started assumiming responsibility for my life things got a whole lot better.

Your friend,