Ourtown

Hey,

I posted here the other day about my situation. I've been holding everything inside for years now. While a few people in my life knew that my boyfriend had no job and wasn't going to school, absolutely no one (except for my therapist) knew that he had a drinking problem.

Last night I tried to talk to my boyfriend about everything again. He refused to talk about it and walked out of the room. I followed him and kept telling him that this is really important and if he wants our relationship to continue, he needs to talk to me. He stonewalled me.

I only have one friend who has been my friend since I was in 8th grade. I don't talk to her very often anymore honestly, but she's still a very good friend. Last night I was so fed up that I called her crying and spilled everything. I had been lying to her, she thought that my boyfriend was in school and she had no idea he had a drinking problem. I feel a lot of shame in it all and I also feel like I'm betraying my boyfriend by telling her. But honestly I'm reaching the end of my rope and I just can't do it alone anymore.

She's been super supportive. She even offered to come pick me up for the weekend so I can get away. I'm glad that I have her in my life, even if I don't see or talk to her very often. She and I discussed my options and what I should do. She admits that she doesn't have the best advice but she comes from a family of alcoholics, her mom is an alcoholic as well as some uncles. At least she has some idea what I'm going through. I'm not sure why I'm writing this here. I guess I'm in shock that I told someone. I've been keeping it all inside for so long, lying for so long, it feels good to get it off my chest but I also have a lot of guilt. My friend loves my boyfriend and so she's not judging him, she knows he's a great guy but has a big problem.

After I came inside after talking to my friend, my boyfriend was drinking. He was buzzed. I was angry but we talked again about everything. He opens up a lot more when he's drinking. It sucks but that's the reality of the situation. I told him that he's leaving me no options and if he doesn't want to get better with his drinking and depression then I don't know if I can stay with him. He agreed and said that I should leave him because I deserve better than this. I told him that he deserves better too. He disagrees.

I don't know. I don't know where to go from here.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I guess I'm just trying to process it all by writing it out.

FireSprite

Baby steps. Sometimes the next move is staying still & not trying to decide everything at once. You have to take things however fast or slow it works for you.

Congrats on ripping the cover off the secret keeping part - that is SUCH a huge part of our sickness as Codies IMO. You have taken such a big, important step.

Ourtown

Thank you for your reply.

I appreciate the advice about not necessarily having to decide everything all at once. I guess that's how I feel right now...I just want to figure it all out. But I don't think that's going to happen and like you say, it's okay.

I can't imagine telling anyone else right now but it does feel amazing to know that someone else knows what's going on, and I can call her if I need to.

getthere

Hi
I was in same situation,only told one dear friend who I knew i could trust wholeheartedly,He resented me telling her,family gatherings I always made sure we took the car,he was driving,so couldn't drink,easier that way,other times I would say he was on medication and couldn't have a drink, we did relationship counselling for 10 months,didnt work,i ended relationship two weeks ago,i kept his secret for years,and therefore made it easier for him.all my friends ,family etc adored him,but they know I did the right thing for me,not sure his family would agree though.
Good luck,and hope your friend is there for you.

Ourtown

Thank you very much. Thank you for telling your story as well.

Yancy

I found it SO liberating to talk about my family's addiction problems, even with casual acquaintances. When someone would ask me "How are you doing?", I would say "Well, my son is looking at prison time for drug charges, my daughter went out drinking Saturday nite and we found her in jail Sunday afternoon, my wife passes out every night from drinking, I'm a wreck. How are YOU doing?". More times than I can remember the reply was "You too!!". Ours is not an uncommon problem. Many of the people I opened up to related immediately. By the end of the conversation we both felt better. For those that couldn't relate to my troubles, well, I still felt better for having opened up. The truth really does set you free.

Seren

I'm glad you opened up to a friend! It seems to me that addiction does thrive on secrecy within relationships and families. Please keep reaching out!

hopeful4

I hid things for so long. Then I stopped. I warned my AH I was not covering up for him for one more second...and then I didn't. After you open up to one person it becomes alot easier. You are not alone and people are not meant to carry that kind of stress on their shoulders by themselves. God wants us to have friends to help us. Funny thing was...most people I was hiding things from knew anyways!!

Have you thought about Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings? For me, to open up to those people helped me so much because not only are they great people, they understand. They have been there and get why I am feeling what I am feeling and why I have done the things I have done. For me it was just trying out different meetings and finding my place with people I click with. It has made a huge difference in my life.

It is truly baby steps and you made a big one...FOR YOU! You have given him the chance. Now you have to work on YOU!

God Bless!

CarryOn

Congrats on such a huge step!

I second the recommendation for AlAnon...face to face support with other people in similar circumstances is so helpful, and I think it will make it easier for you to reach out to others.

I think a big part of Alcoholism is shame & denial...we tend to isolate ourselves to protect our A...it often happens so gradually that we don't even realize it. Reaching out to someone and telling them the truth about your life is hard, but it does help to know that others care about you and support you. I was so relieved when I started reaching out to my support system...they have been accepting, encouraging, and have helped keep me on track in recovery. Once things were out in the open, I felt a lot better, I didn't have to hide or feel ashamed anymore. They knew what was happening, and that I was starting to take steps to deal with it.

meggem

Oh I can relate to this post big time. My RA came home from rehab last week (first time). I told everyone. I told people I didn’t have to tell. My 5 year old had a play date this past Saturday (my RA had been home 4 days at this point and I have not seen this mom friend the whole time) and I told her too. I actually volunteered it to her. I told a few of my virtual fitness friends. I told 98% of my family. I almost wanted to get T Shirts made. I did not realize how much I was hiding. The last Hoorah my RA and I had was the Thursday before he went to Rehab. We were arguing about something during the day, (it was a regular life thing, but with his drinking, nothing was ever “regular”) coincidentally, my co-worker for the first time invited me out. I agreed to go. I never go out, I always had to go straight home I felt. We had a good time complaining about our spouses among other topics. It felt good to feel “regular” for a while. That my marital problems were the common “leave the toilet seat up” type of problems. When I got home that night, my RA exploded. He was drunk, he felt shame about our disagreement, he destroyed the living room (lamps, etc ) smashed a beer bottle into a gazillion pieces, etc., called me names and poured water over my head. I just sat there as water cascaded down my head onto my body and the couch. I’m sure there were a few other things, I can’t remember.

I called the cops (never did that before.. I just didn’t care anymore). The next day, Friday, my co-worker said “So what happened last night, was he sorry?” I said, “Oh, it’s fine, he was asleep when I got home” – I can’t even explain how TIRED I was of lying. When I said that, I felt like I was back in my bubble. The night before laughing with a few gal pals didn’t exist, it was some other person, not me.

That following Monday he voluntarily made an emergency doctor’s appointment, pleaded for help and agreed when the Doc said Rehab. He left that night. On Tuesday I told my very new co-worker friend the truth. “Remember when I said he was asleep when I got home? Well, I lied. This is what really happened and he’s in rehab.”

I never called the cops before because I was too afraid of the consequences. If he was arrested he can’t go to work, if he can’t go to work, he won’t get paid if he doesn’t get paid, I can’t pay the mortgage. What will I tell my family? What happens the day after he gets arrested? Am I going to bail him out? That night-- I didn’t care. I cannot even begin to tell you how I isolated myself and covered for him with his drinking and the episodes that took place. Well, sorry I rambled. Hugs to you…