MTSlideAddict

Huge mistake!! I was listening to music, and Nobody Knows by The Tony Rich Project came on through my iTunes. Why didn't I just change the song? I can't stop crying. I'm fighting the urge to get in my car, drive HOME, and go fling myself in his arms. I miss him today.

Ourtown

That song is rough. I forgot all about it and now I'm listening to it and it's depressing me too!

I'm new here so I'm not sure what etiquette is here but I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time for now. Stay strong. I don't know the specifics of your situation but if you left, you left for a good reason. It can be difficult to remember what those reasons are sometimes, especially when things trigger you (like the song) But just know that you'll be okay.

FireSprite

Maybe you just need a good cry today? I go through that & it always seems like the best/worst song rolls across my .mp3 at just the right time to trigger it. ((((HUGS))))

LightInside

Don't know the song, but totally get the concept. I was triggered yesterday and today. Fortunately today I have a lot of space and freedom to cry and carry on. It's like purging.

Charmed3

I too have listened to that song and with the same reaction.

A song that boosts me.... for those that don't mind country but it is a very easy listening country song. Martina McBride - Wrong again.
When I met the my STBXAH, I had been in a 10 year previous relationship only to discover he had been cheating on me for a year. It ended the day I found out, I was broken hearted and when AH came along I was easy picking.

The words in the song spoke to me then and they speak to me now.
This is an awful time in my life and I truly thought 14 years ago he was the one. The "sober him" was everything I dreamed of. The alcoholic - my worst nightmare.
But I know, there is light out there for me and even if it is by myself, its still better than what I have been living.

Here are the lyrics:

From the day we met
You made me forget... All my fears
Knew just what to say
And you kissed away....All my tears

I knew this time I had finally found
Someone to build my life around
Be a lover and a friend
After all my heart had put me through
I knew that it was safe with you
And what we had would never end
Wrong again

Everybody swore
They'd seen this before
We'd be fine
And you'd come to see that you still loved me
In good time

And they said there's nothing you can do
It's something that he's going through
It happens to a lot of men
And I told myself that they were right
That you'd wake up and see the light
And I just had to wait 'til then
Wrong again

And it seemed to me the pain would last
My chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited 'round the bend
I was sure I'd never find someone
To heal the damage you had done
My poor heart would never mend

Wrong again

HopefulinFLA

So sorry your feeling so down today.
Just cry and cry till there are no more tears, get a good nights rest and I promise you'll feel better tomorrow. Sometimes we just need to open the flood gates and let it all out.

MTSlideAddict

The pain is so raw today. My heart is telling me that I made a huge mistake leaving. It was comfortable. It was nice. He would be able to hold and comfort me. He would take this pain away. It hurts so much tonight. I'm in a fetal position. I know better than what my heart is telling me, but right now I just want his arms around me comforting me. Anything to get rid of this pain.

I will not call him. I will NOT call him. I WILL NOT CALL HIM.

My mind knows better. I just have to get through tonight.

Seren

MT

I'm sorry last night was so painful...I hope today dawns a little brighter.

When my ex-H had an affair and divorced me, I kept a journal and read bad through it when I started to miss him. It helped so much!

If I recall correctly, you started your own thread of that sort entitled something to the effect of "Smack me with this if I ever...". Perhaps reading that would be helpful?

AnvilheadII

I understand your pain....however, looking to SOMEONE ELSE to fix it FOR us is the same as the addict/alcoholic reaching for the drink or the drug to take the pain away. we learn to tend to our own needs, feel our own feelings, not run from them, not to try to escape them, let them be, and then let them go. IN a relationship or NOT, we are our own source of comfort, we are self-reliant and manage our own emotional landscape.

you fled that "home" for good reason. yes it may be what is known, but it's also backwards. hightail it to a meeting or three, do something positive and life affirming for YOU.

MTSlideAddict

Thank you everyone for listening and understanding as I talked myself off that ledge. I know I haven't contributed much to other posters lately as I had in the past and would like to again. One day I will be in a better place to be able to look past my own pain to contribute to those in need just as you all have continued to reach out to me.

I am feeling raw, but much stronger and better today. My focus is in line. I will be going to a meeting today, and will continue working on becoming self-reliant. I definitely do not want to look to my drug of choice (my AH), or anyone, to numb my feelings. Last night was really the first time I felt that emotional barrier collapse allowing some real emotion to come through. Yes, I was sad and warped as I began my journey on my own, however, I truly did not allow myself to feel the pain. I was almost like an emotionless zombie of sorts just going through the motions. I continued to stuff down all emotions. Yesterday that song pulled the pin of the emotional grenade, and I could not avoid the emotions.

One Day At A Time

HopefulinFLA

So glad to hear you're feeling a little better today.

5minus1

I can so relate to you. Had to ask my AH husband of 23 years to leave. I as you know this is the only choice I had however the pain is so unbearable. I have to control myself because we have our 10 year old at home. I so just want this pain to go away. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare that doesn't seem to want to end. This is now the 3rd time I have had to do this. It doesn't get any easier. Each time he comes back it's the honeymoon stage, then it all starts up again around the 5 month point and the normally around the 10 month point I can't take it anymore. He hasn't picked up a bottle, however he is using over the counter meds to get his high. There is no difference to me where he gets his high from. The lying and deceiving is all the same. I have to look out not only for myself but also for our daughter. He is clueless as to when he is under in influence of anything. The first one (2-1/2) years ago put my in the hospital for 10 days with stomach issues. During that time, he would bring our then 7 year old daughter up to see me when he was absolutely wasted, then take her from my arms when I would ask him why he was doing this. I was so fortunate that nothing happened to her then. So, when he came home on halloween high on what turns out to be Robaxacet, all those pains and fears came back. I have to do to keep her safe. I can see the pain in him as well. He says he is going to go back to his councillor and back to aa meetings. It's like de ja vous. I so want to believe him but the trust just isn't there.
I'm constantly second guessing myself. My heart truly does go out to you as I do feel exactly what you are going through. I'm so sorry