F50Lurker

This is my first post and it's a very long story. About 5 weeks ago, I contacted someone I was engaged to THIRTY years ago, when we were just college kids. We had broken up because he was an alcoholic/addict and things were just too dramatic and not sustainable. this was the first contact we've had in all these years. He has been sober for eight years and sounds extremely solid and self aware in that regard. He said the second half of his life is about service, and his work is extremely compassionate work with the developmentally disabled. He has been married three times, one was long term, but the last one was a train wreck. he married someone from the program and she lost her sobriety and it turned into a nightmare. When we first talked, he said he was still healing himself from that relationship and I asked, "what steps are you taking to heal yourself?" and his reply was, "talking to you." (red flag).

I am normally a very go-slow, highly cynical in romance person. But he absolutely swept me off my feet with romantic words and promises for the last six weeks. he said, "I believe this is divinity and I intend to treat it as such." He was the first to say, "I can't help thinking what it would be like to hold you again." We made plans to meet in a city near him two weeks from now. We have been talking or skyping almost every night. In all our conversations, he has sounded totally solid and has really been the one driving this train WAY too fast toward a fantasy romance. I recognized this but I was helpless against his romantic, flowery words and attention. My head has been in the clouds for weeks with thoughts of him and frankly, my body aches for him with a passion I thought was gone long ago.

Last night, he called and told me he "couldn't do this." He said it was too soon, that he needed to work on himself, etc. etc. a lot of very vague "its not you, it's me" stuff. Interestingly, this comes immediately on the heels of our having a very, very minor conversational conflict two days ago. He said his therapist is in agreement that he's not ready.

He is supposed to call me this afternoon. I want to tell him we can dial it down a bit, stop talking about fantasy romance. I live in another city, for God's sake, he can have all the time he needs to work on himself and I encourage him to continue to do so. But to do this to me is so unfair. I want him to agree to meet me in his city (we've got a hotel) and just spend some time together. No pressure (or as little as we possibly can, at this point). I want him to MAN UP and take responsibility for what HE created here.

He pried my cold heart open with words, and everyone around me rejoiced. Everyone knows about my trip to his city, and everyone close to me was thrilled to see me happy, and encouraged me to open my heart and let this happen. And now he wants to **** on it and walk away.

Someone please.... please tell me what to do or say to make him give this a chance. Otherwise, he is going to leave a beautiful woman very, very bitter and I might not come back from that bitterness. Thank you.

Mightyqueen801

There is nothing you can do or say to make someone else do anything.

If you were engaged thirty years ago, that means you're somewhere around the half-century mark. This post sounds as if it was written by a teenager. "Helpless against his romantic, flowery words and attention"? Get a grip on yourself.

Your whole "want" list is about you controlling a situation. You want him to agree to meet you, you want him to "man up" and accept responsibility for YOUR feelings of embarrassment and feeling tricked, you want him to give you a chance. That's a great big problem YOU have here, wanting to know how you can manipulate someone else to behave as you want them to behave, and yes, it's a sign of a codependent.

My advice is take this whole experience as a flashing-red-light, foghorn-wailing notice that you have some serious issues you have to work on. Reading through the Al-Anon steps would be a great start. Therapy would be better.

Not trying to sound mean, please understand, just remembering too many of my own lost years spent trying to control and manipulate another person to be what I'd scripted in my own head.

AnvilheadII

About 5 weeks ago

5 short little weeks. long distance. reconnecting. you contacted him, remember? and after a short whirlwind "romance" he decided it wasn't the time for HIM. that's actually quite commendable. to put on the brakes now, to not just go along, getting farther involved. he has every right to do that.

he didn't CREATE anything. you weren't held captive, you allowed yourself to get involved. you always had a choice. own your own stuff. accept it just ain't the time. he said no. respect that.

lizw

A couple of weeks ago I went to an aa meeting and the topic was love. Lots of the guys shared about confusing lust with love which is something I relate to, even as a woman. But then this guy who has been sober forever talked about how as an alcoholic he is an obsessional person and can get obsessed with people, places of things easily, even though he has been sober a long time. His sharing really gave me a new perspective on the whole love thing and crazy relationships.

Sounds like this guy got a tad obsessed with you and then when the obsession broke and reality kicked in, he back tracked.

If I were you I'd probably be angry too as it sounds full on but I hope you don't see it as a reflection of yourself as in something you said or did or didn't say or do as it doesn't sound like it was.

suki44883

If he has decided to do what he feels is right for him, there is nothing you can say or do to change that, and honestly, it would be wrong for you to attempt to do so. If you truly care for him, then you would want him to do the right thing for his sobriety.

I find it hard to believe you could have fallen in love with someone over a five week period, long distance. Any fairy tails in your head were put there by you and they started when you decided to contact him after 30 years. Any bitterness you feel is not his fault. You dove headlong into a fantasy of your own making.

I'm sure you think we all sounds just horrible, but some of us, in addition to being friends/family of an addict, are addicts ourselves. When we decided to clean up our act and live sober, we had to make some tough decisions and put the past in the past and start relatively new lives. This guy is doing the same thing and while he may have allowed you to get in his head at first, it sounds like he talked to his sponsor or therapist about it and was able to back up a bit and really think about it.

If you love him, wish him the best and then move on. Five weeks isn't that long of a time to allow this to affect the rest of your life. You'll get over it.

FireSprite

I agree that 5 weeks isn't such an enormous investment of time that it qualifies as leading you on in any way.... I can understand your disappointment, but honestly, it speaks volumes about his commitment to recovery that he was able to reign in so quickly and NOT lead you on. IMO - he HAS manned up by being honest before things got more entangled and messy.

If he's just exiting a codependent relationship that threatened his own recovery in any way, he may be more triggered & sensitive than you realize unless you've had experience being on that side of a dynamic with an addict in your own past.

I'm sorry you are hurting, but I would really (gently) suggest examining the reasons why YOU are so attached & affected in such a short amount of time yourself. It really sounds like this has as much to do with you as him.

DG0409

Sorry to hear how you're hurting. I can understand how it would be disappointing to you when you've built up this fantasy romance in your head and then to have the fantasy fall apart.

That said, getting involved with somebody when they're still not over an ex is a bad idea.

As you yourself mention, this is a red flag. Which you chose to ignore. I think it's important for you to realize YOUR part in this and not just blame him.

Focus on doing something each day to take care of YOU and you'll start feeling better. It may take a little time, but you'll get there.

Hopeworks

One other possibility is that you did have a personal relationship full of young love that failed and you break it off and then you reach out to him after all those long years. He is just coming out of a bad situation (very bad) and you looked him for some reason... right? He's obviously flattered and his brain if firing off chemicals remembering the past and he was off to the races. He couldn't wait "to hold you in his arms" and we know where this is going....right?

The hunter was back in the game and he was sure that life was going good again... right?

You sound like you maybe seeking? Dreaming? Hoping? A stage in your life?

A's... recovered or not are high risk and high maintenance usually. Personally he couldn't qualify for much more than a polite hello as XA's are simply not relationship material in my book. But that's just me...

I believe that if things are supposed to happen they will! And if they are not written in the heavens then they are not supposed to happen... when something disappointing happens in my life I remind myself of this truth.

Maybe your perfect love is in your future and this guy would have been a wrong turn... who knows? But... if he took an exit stage left then let him go in peace and thank your stars... it just wasn't meant to be!

Hope that helps and remember ... all men have holes and I am sure had plenty of things going on that you wouldn't have liked and he most likely he wouldn't have been a keeper anyway...

F50Lurker

Thanks to everyone for your input. I have a therapist and many good friends to turn to. All of them were thrilled to see me happy and encouraged me to open my heart to this man. At the beginning, I held back, but eventually I gave in with a lot of hope in my heart.

I did not go looking for him for any kind of romance, nor did I suggest it or pressure him in any way at any time. He voluntarily told me a lot of appealing things, including that he "could do intimacy." He invited me to visit him, and he said, "I really want this." Everything he SAID indicated he was emotionally very available to me and thrilled to have me back in his life. There were also a LOT of other flowery, romantic things that are what all women want to hear. Then he suddenly and without any explanation pulled the rug out from under my trusting heart.

I hope he never does this to any other woman again, because a weaker woman than I might hurt herself over this behavior. A stronger woman than I might have been able to resist his charms, but I don't know any women like that.

Thanks for listening.

Ruby2

Sorry you are hurt. But really, after five weeks and thirty years? Come on now. This has nothing to do with him being an alcoholic and everything to do with a relationship not meant to be.

MistyM

Unfortunately, You may be a trigger. He may have wanted it in the past but could not or would not quit at that time. But if he manipulated and controlled you in the past, this may trigger those same behaviors he did back then and a remembrance of the drinking and rebellion against you. He may have recognized this and put his recovery first. Yea it hurts and not saying he shouldn't be called on it--but then drop it and move on. I think it would be hard for an addict to go back to that type of situation even if he cared, it might spark a relapse?

MissFixit

hi

i hear you about being in pain and feeling like he led you on.

he might have started the romance talk but you contacted him first. i wonder why you would choose to contact an ex of over thirty years. he was an ex for a reason, right?

it sounds like you were feeling lonely and he filled that man void but later changed his mind for whatever reason. this happens in many relationships not just thise with a's. it is part of dating and the risks we take.

couple dating notes i have used and served me well.
1. if it sounds too good it probably is
2. DON'T ever date someone on the rebound if you want more than a one night stand or psycho ex trouble that could come your way. he is breaking up w another for a reason and you wont know both sides of reasons
3. all that glitters is not gold
4. dont get enmeshed
5. take it slowly and be realistic
6. men usually dont want the romantic fantasy that women do
7. knowing what i know now, i wouldnt date an a again, i would be friends w a recovered a but nothing more (just based on my horrid experience and nothing against anyone her personally)

anyway, had i been one of your crew doling out advice prior to you dating this man, this is what i would have said.

take what you like and leave the rest!

hugs

Theophania

It sounds like you were very much swept up in the possibility of creating a great relationship with this guy. Sometimes in our lives that kind of attention helps us to feel all sorts of things we thought were long gone. It is not abnormal to be disappointed in this fellows actions however, I do think it would be more healthy for you to not focus on trying to make a sinking ship float (trying a relationship with this guy), or this man's defaults. I think that at times like this what is important is to go within. To work through your hurt and your pain and use this situation as a platform for some personal growth. Don't focus on the what if's but try and find the positives in this situation. What can you learn about yourself from this experience?

marie1960

JMHO, BUT......... this " flowery, romantic things" talk sounds rather creepy/ strange / odd ( i don't even know what word i want to use here) it's not probable, to just pick up where you left off 30 years ago. 30 years have passed. 30 years.........

thinking of that song Randy Travis sang, " Digging up Bones."

I'm diggin' up bones
Exhuming things that better left alone
I'm resurrecting memories of love that's dead and gone.
Yeah, I'm sitting alone, digging up bones.

You can choose to let this go and find someone that is AVAILABLE.

DG0409

Too much in the way of "flowery, romantic things" in the beginning (too soon), is a warning sign of abusive men.

I fell for that with my ex... after all, it DID sound nice and make me feel good. At the time, I wasn't aware that it was a warning sign. Later though after he turned abusive and things were over and I did a Google search, it turns out that is a very common characteristic of abusive men. If I encountered that same thing again, I think I would RUN.

And whether it indicates someone who is abusive or not, it certainly indicates that something is 'off' emotionally with the person. Healthy people take their time to get to know someone and let a relationship grow. Jumping into it too soon is not a healthy behavior.

In this case, I think he may have been seeking an instant replacement for his ex so he didn't have to feel the pain of the breakup.

But, it is an easy thing to fall for because who doesn't want to hear nice romantic things? Don't beat yourself up over it, but learn what you can so you know to do better next time.

MistyM

I have read that too in many articles. Quick attachments are the sigh of loosers and as fast as they attach they will detach!!! Very shallow emotionally. That was my XAB as well.