Flicka57

Thank you Hammer. I see alot of similarities with others here going through similar things & have read that 60-70% of A's develop these Cluster B personality disorders and that's why therapists won't begin to treat that until the underlying cause (addiction) is taken care of first. It's hard for me to understand as I look back that my exAH was so immature & childish and yet able to figure out how to do all these things to me in such a way that it can never be proved it is him. A very devious mind. He managed to call my banks and freeze my accounts with one simple sentence: "she has recently died". Who would have thought you can do this--the bank never questioned who the caller was because he had my social security number. Amazing. Prosecutors said you can't prove it was him that made the call & thus he gets away with it again. This has forced me to live like a recluse with all old email's shut down, all phones shut down, hiding my car, not disclosing where I am living. And so because of this people do not hear from me--they continue to believe all his lies. Sometimes I feel like buying a billboard on a major highway & announce to the world what he is to restore my reputation.

blake1989

Hey bird. This is something I have thought about. I suppose I can't respond without first looking at myself. I am in my girlfriend's life, and there have been times I regrettably enabled her. I used to beat myself up constantly about those times early on when I now wish I suggested starbucks instead of meeting for a glass of wine. Little did I know she had usually shown up early and had one or two before me to calm her nerves.

If I look outwardly now, my girlfriend's mother is the first person I think of. While my girlfriend technically has her own apartment, she has this emotional need to talk to her mother multiple times a day, and visits her house every day after work, where she is fixed breakfast, gets coffee, etc. I found this to be a charming sign of stability and family orientation at first. On most days when she doesn't see me, she sleeps at her mom's house. Her mother doesn't drink, but step dad has a fridge out in the garage, from which my girlfriend gets beers. I don't really know how it all works, I just know that she's generally tipsy most of the time while at her mom's. I found 24 oz beers in the bathroom cabinet, etc. And I know it is not spoken of.

My girlfriend's few friends all drink hard, and as she describes them, they are all 'crazy'. Whenever my girlfriend gets a text from one of them trying to coax her out of her quiet night with me and 'come out!', I know where the night is going. We're all in our 30's, but her two best friends treat every night out like something out of spring break. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone around them - Of course I went to college, but I've never seen people get drunk and act this way before meeting them, grown women threatening people (men and women alike) in public spaces, nearly hallucinating about what's going on or what people are doing around them. So needless to say, this is about as conducive as it gets.

That's all I got. Sorry if I sound judgmental here. I love my girlfriend dearly, I just don't love how the people around her act. just thought I could add something to the conversation, make you feel not so alone.

Wisconsin

I have a lot of really, really complicated feelings about this issue.

My AH is in a union trade, and the whole trade is a bunch of enabling addict cultish jerks. They view each other as brothers (true brothers, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself...just when you start doing things like taking drug tests for each other and bailing each other out of jail with grocery money). That whole intricate system of enabling existed for my AH long before we started dating, and he was able to step away from it and find recovery on his own, before we connected. But of course, since the relapse, there is no shortage of guys totally willing to drink with him, and sit around and complain about every single aspect of their lives with him. And the lengths to which these guys go to protect each other is very, very disturbing.

I know some of these guys, and they are not bad people for the most part. My heart aches for some of them who are so clearly in the throes of end-stage addiction. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

Last spring and summer, when things were at an all-time low with my own AH, I developed some very, very toxic negative feelings toward my AH's primary enabler/drinking buddy. It got to the point where I told my AH that this particular friend (whose wife is my friend, and whose daughter is my younger daughter's friend) was no longer welcome around me or the children. I was justified in setting that boundary. However, I also started to blame this guy for a lot of my AH's behavior, which was not warranted or fair. But my AH and this friend spiraled together last spring and summer. They both got a lot worse in their addictions and in their treatment of their respective families. Everything came to a major head right around the time they were laid off. I found some highly, highly offensive text messages that they had exchanged the night before. While my AH made excuse after excuse for himself, the "exposure" did quite a bit to shock is enabler. Before they left town for work, the enabler came to me and issued what felt like a very heartfelt, sincere apology. It's not my first rodeo, though...I accepted his apology (honestly...I just don't have the energy to hold grudges anymore), and told him that it was up to him to prove and demonstrate his remorse. Not long after that, his own wife left him. That, combined with his own spiral, triggered his desire for recovery. He has been sober for almost 4 months. He appears to be working an excellent program. He is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. He is living separately from his wife and daughter, but she has agreed to "pause" her divorce proceedings to give him a chance to work a strong program and become confident in recovery. He has contact me twice in the last four months: once when he was in very early recovery (and totally on the pink cloud) to ask my "permission" to have a "talk" with my AH, and once to make amends for how his behaviors while drinking and enabling my AH had affected me and my children. I am glad he is finding recovery. Sometimes I feel angry because why their family and not mine. But for the most part, I am grateful because (a) I can actually SEE what real recovery looks like; and (b) the world is just a better place now that it has one more sane, sober person and one less crazy, drunk person.

So...that's my very long way of saying that yes, the enablers infuriate me (I am fortunate that my AH has no family members who enable him). But in my AH's case, they are all also addicts. And I do feel detached compassion for what they are going through, and the pain that they are in.

choublak

What's with all these "friends" diagnosing people? Sheesh.

bird13

Butterfly2013,

Sometimes I question my own sanity, because he does of course have those Alcoholic friends who enable, but he has an entire team of friends who are not addicts, well paid, organized, respectable people some with kids. I am scratching my head here.. … Is it me? Am I too controlling? As some of them have said to him in the last three years I am, while they have also told me they know he has a " substance abuse issue. " Whatever that means. Two-faced I guess. The only conclusion I could come up with for him having such balanced normal friends who enable is because he works in entertainment and people just kind of accept it as part of the industry and don't talk about it. Especially when you are extremely talented at what you do ( which he is. and very sought after) You would think though that best friends would take a personal interest in your well being regardless of your job status or title but I am wondering .. it sure seems to bring out the " fake " in people. As far as I have seen. or the denial for that matter. When your a cool guy, doing a cool "top job" with beautiful women around you … everyone wants to keep the peace with you! except your girlfriend or wife who is sick of your crap! ANd maybe occasionally your parents who don't want you to die! I have noticed a lot of " hanger ons" in the last few years that he has had in his life for awhile and considers his " best friends." I just don't see it and wonder sometimes if these people are around him b/c of who he is. It really bugs me.

I also really start to question if he does have a problem when 1. he has the ability to still control his drinking 2. has not had any major fights from being drunk w/ his friends 3. has normal friends , and many of them who think he is just fine.

I feel like I am losing my mind. The only part that these people don't get about this disease is the "crazy-town" antics that are thrown at the partner that go on 24/7 whether they are drunk or not. Their brain is so soaked with this crap that we end up dealing with paranoia, jealousy, memory issues, outbursts, rage, guilt, lying and trust issues, gas lighting... all of the weirdo behavior that happens during the day time, and sometimes at 9:30 am when you are trying to get your day going! While these stupid friends are enjoying their morning, unaware of what is going on at your house. I can't possibly explain that to these friends, because when I tried they thought I was crazy and using the word " abusive " to describe any aspect of his personality is simply an atrocity. He is the life of the party, LOVES children and babies and baby-sits for our friends which seems to be the anti-alcoholic shield he protects himself with- makes him feel good- and is " so extremely sensitive, funny and caring. " Im dumbfounded and resentful. Really helps to see this thread got so many posts. I guess I am not the only one !