I am the Sister of an alcoholic drug addict and the daughter of a codependent enabler
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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I am the Sister of an alcoholic drug addict and the daughter of a codependent enabler
I already posted this in the new-comers forum but, think it might be more suitable for me here. Although, when trying to find my place deciding between Alcoholic and drug addict, I believe my sister is both. She drinks all the time and perhaps gets loaded so she can drink some more. Im not sure.
I have this huge knot in my throat and I am so sad. I dont even know how to write how I am feeling. But, I need to talk with someone who can reasonably understand what I am feeling. My Sister is an Alcoholic drug addict and has been for years. What has changed is she has crossed the lenient line (one of her three children has found burned foil, glass pipe and balloon remnants on three separate occasions... not my Sisters when confronted of course ;0) I had drawn years ago. I have easily been able to ignore the endless drama that wrecks families of drug addicts because I chose to leave the circle long ago. But, in the last year things have finally escalated. Now, I must walk the walk... of the talk. Its time to get honest. And no one in the family is ready to do that but, me. So.... Im the outsider. I guess in a way I have always been, as Im the only one who established a boundary to refuse to be involved. Although, now I just feel guilty for inactively allowing it to escalate. I have kept my Children away from her and most of her chaos. My Husband (an only child), tries to be supportive but, he just doesnt know the love of a sibling and can not understand the pull. I am struggling to separate my own life and the chaos she is causing my Mother right now. I have finally gotten honest and I am calling her what she is; a drug addict. Although, I dont speak with her anymore and havent in three months. So, my discussions have been with my parents as, I only want them to get honest too. They are continuing to give her the benefit of their doubts and offer her the chance to take a drug test.....blah, blah, blah. You know where that goes. Of course she hasnt taken one and wont but, they believe her reasons and excuses and LIES. All the same lies told for years and years.
I am so sad. I know in my mind that this is out of my hands. BUt, my heart is hurting for my Mom. And there is a deep hatred towards my sister that she would subject her kids to this and that as always she steals every small bit of joy there is left in my Mom ...right from my children.
That's my sad story today. I know I have so many things to be thankful for and my life itself is great. I guess Im having difficulty with my own codependency right now. My Husband told me this morning, he sees the pain of my Mom on my face and it just broke my heart. My sisters chaos is reaching across my boundaries and into my heart.
I dont even know what I need or how to help myself through this. Do you have any advise for me?
I have this huge knot in my throat and I am so sad. I dont even know how to write how I am feeling. But, I need to talk with someone who can reasonably understand what I am feeling. My Sister is an Alcoholic drug addict and has been for years. What has changed is she has crossed the lenient line (one of her three children has found burned foil, glass pipe and balloon remnants on three separate occasions... not my Sisters when confronted of course ;0) I had drawn years ago. I have easily been able to ignore the endless drama that wrecks families of drug addicts because I chose to leave the circle long ago. But, in the last year things have finally escalated. Now, I must walk the walk... of the talk. Its time to get honest. And no one in the family is ready to do that but, me. So.... Im the outsider. I guess in a way I have always been, as Im the only one who established a boundary to refuse to be involved. Although, now I just feel guilty for inactively allowing it to escalate. I have kept my Children away from her and most of her chaos. My Husband (an only child), tries to be supportive but, he just doesnt know the love of a sibling and can not understand the pull. I am struggling to separate my own life and the chaos she is causing my Mother right now. I have finally gotten honest and I am calling her what she is; a drug addict. Although, I dont speak with her anymore and havent in three months. So, my discussions have been with my parents as, I only want them to get honest too. They are continuing to give her the benefit of their doubts and offer her the chance to take a drug test.....blah, blah, blah. You know where that goes. Of course she hasnt taken one and wont but, they believe her reasons and excuses and LIES. All the same lies told for years and years.
I am so sad. I know in my mind that this is out of my hands. BUt, my heart is hurting for my Mom. And there is a deep hatred towards my sister that she would subject her kids to this and that as always she steals every small bit of joy there is left in my Mom ...right from my children.
That's my sad story today. I know I have so many things to be thankful for and my life itself is great. I guess Im having difficulty with my own codependency right now. My Husband told me this morning, he sees the pain of my Mom on my face and it just broke my heart. My sisters chaos is reaching across my boundaries and into my heart.
I dont even know what I need or how to help myself through this. Do you have any advise for me?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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They are still trying to "decide" if she "uses", requesting her to take a drug test. Then, telling me, "What if it is negative? Then you are wrong."
I dont think we are at the intervention level yet. I cant even convince them to get honest with the hard and visible facts.
I dont think we are at the intervention level yet. I cant even convince them to get honest with the hard and visible facts.
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Windy, becoming involved with trying to convince anyone to admit they or a loved one have a problem unfortunately often doesn't work. I hope you stick around, there are a lot of people here who have grappled with the same issues.
Al-anon is a great support for people who deal with these issues, it is for you, to help you cope. You will hear about the 3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You mentioned your sister has children, that is a concern, I know others who have been in your shoes will be along. Happy you are here.
Al-anon is a great support for people who deal with these issues, it is for you, to help you cope. You will hear about the 3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You mentioned your sister has children, that is a concern, I know others who have been in your shoes will be along. Happy you are here.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Great White North
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If she takes a drug test voluntarily then she has nothing to worry about it, if she refuses then you can be certain she still uses. You parents sound like they don't want to know the truth, turning a blind eye and hoping everything will be alright.
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Its heartbreaking. This question resonates in my mind over and over, "Why is it that I feel the burden to prove her addiction? When it is much more simple for the "innocent, wrongly accused" person to prove me wrong." I wish and beg her to prove me wrong, every day with a drug test for a year. I would pay for that peace of mind and beg for forgiveness of wrongly accusing in a heartbeat versus the alternative I factually know exists.
Thank you all for hugging me with your supportive words.
Thank you all for hugging me with your supportive words.
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Why is anyone drug testing her? Are they supporting her financially and is that a contingency? I understand if she has young children who may perhaps need to be considered and if that is the concern and you are worried about them and getting them help.
Drug testing her or trying to drug test her simply to prove you are right, that sounds like codependency not love. I am not saying you don't love her, but trying to control an addict or alcoholic is not possible. It simply keeps you involved with her sickness.
Drug testing her or trying to drug test her simply to prove you are right, that sounds like codependency not love. I am not saying you don't love her, but trying to control an addict or alcoholic is not possible. It simply keeps you involved with her sickness.
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"Drug testing her or trying to drug test her simply to prove you are right, that sounds like codependency not love. I am not saying you don't love her, but trying to control an addict or alcoholic is not possible. It simply keeps you involved with her sickness."
The drug testing is not my idea. I dont need any more proof than the years of it I already have. Most importantly, her oldest child has been finding serious drug paraphernalia around her home and in her vehicle. The eldest is 15 and has been the adult in the house for years caring for my sister and her young brothers, now 8 and 5 years old. She has left the home and they are alone with their addict Mom who is now reckless and careless in her use. The drug test idea is my Parents reaching for a lifeline that it will be negative so they may continue to pretend nothing is wrong. My Sister has lost 80 pounds in a year. She looks the part. I honestly dont know how anyone can be in denial with the magnitude of obvious red flags but, they are. I live very far away in another Country and feel helpless. My best attempt right now is for my Parents to see the truth and take those poor kids.
The drug testing is not my idea. I dont need any more proof than the years of it I already have. Most importantly, her oldest child has been finding serious drug paraphernalia around her home and in her vehicle. The eldest is 15 and has been the adult in the house for years caring for my sister and her young brothers, now 8 and 5 years old. She has left the home and they are alone with their addict Mom who is now reckless and careless in her use. The drug test idea is my Parents reaching for a lifeline that it will be negative so they may continue to pretend nothing is wrong. My Sister has lost 80 pounds in a year. She looks the part. I honestly dont know how anyone can be in denial with the magnitude of obvious red flags but, they are. I live very far away in another Country and feel helpless. My best attempt right now is for my Parents to see the truth and take those poor kids.
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Hi WindyWars, Welcome to SR!
I have a sister, my only sibling. She is an alcoholic and powder cocaine addict in recovery. My mother is a classic enabler, and father would always go along with what mother decided to do (Mom is an untreated ACoA). I'm grateful in a strange way that my sister never had children and even more grateful that she now has been in recovery for about 16 years.
I'm sorry to hear about the situation the children are in--just horrific for them! It may be considered a drastic move, but have you considered calling Child Protective Services? In the long run, it may be what is in the best interest of those precious young people.
I have a sister, my only sibling. She is an alcoholic and powder cocaine addict in recovery. My mother is a classic enabler, and father would always go along with what mother decided to do (Mom is an untreated ACoA). I'm grateful in a strange way that my sister never had children and even more grateful that she now has been in recovery for about 16 years.
I'm sorry to hear about the situation the children are in--just horrific for them! It may be considered a drastic move, but have you considered calling Child Protective Services? In the long run, it may be what is in the best interest of those precious young people.
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Over the years, CPS has been involved multiple times and she has been taken to Court so often it is an embarrassing mockery of our legal system. Each of the three children has a different Father and 2/3 are Addicts themselves. Hair sample tests began a couple years back and my Sister ran out and got a prescription for Medicinal Marijuana, after pulling out her eyelashes. The Judge frequently commented on the test results but, I believe her hands were tied. The Father started using again and dropped the issue when he refused to take tests himself. The deception runs deep here and I would never describe my Sister as lacking an intelligence gene.
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