isitme

How many times do you have to hear “he’s shown you who he is” on these boards before you get it.

I’m so tired of being confused, of second guessing myself, of living under the microscope. I’m always tempted to write it out with a little punch line about “can you believe this”? First of all, of course you all CAN believe it. But why, why after 5 years on these boards do I still need the validation that the behavior is wacko.

Things are so easy to intellectualize, but hard to feel in my heart. Easy for me to say “What anyone else thinks is none of my business, it truly doesn't matter” but in my heart is still want to feel right. It seems like I still seek some sort of validation that if I leave the relationship, no one will think poorly of me. But who cares!! Why do I do that to myself?

Even the conversations, I know they are quack. But they still hurt, still sting, still leave me swirling in thoughts and emotions. How do you turn that off? I can read and re-read things on detachment and it works for a little bit, but it’s never lasting. The only way I see is out, so how come I can’t do it?

Thanks for listening.. just feeling confused. Maybe I shouldn't have skipped my Al-anon today.

SparkleKitty

Sorry you are feeling so frustrated. Happiness, as they say, is an inside job. Until I figured out why I felt I didn't deserve it, it was the same old, same old for me too. And it wasn't until I got the focus off of others being what I needed them to be to fix me, and onto ME being what I needed to be to fix myself, that things started to feel clearer for me.

It's a lot. Don't waste any time or energy beating yourself up over how you're doing or not doing. It's enough to just be doing.

isitme

I usually feel like I'm doing really well.... well until I get home. When I hear about how selfish I am, it just sends me into a tail spin. I guess he does that because he knows right where it hits me huh?

AnvilheadII

it sounds like you are seeking permission from "somewhere" - for me i hear the anthem i grew up with coming thru loud and clear;
DON'T ROCK THE BOAT. you are limited to whatever will maintain the status quo and for God's Sake appearances MUST be maintained at all costs.

those can be really old tapes. very deeply ingrained. and you have to recognize them as such....blasts from the past. lies they told us. and sometimes, you just gotta say THHHPPPPPPPP!

secret of life - nobody REALLY gives a sh*t what we do. the majority of this pressure we feel is inside. if you want out, then GO. it's YOUR life sweetheart. get on with it!!! it's fun once you get the hang of it!

isitme

Thank you so much for that.. brings tears to my eyes.

FireSprite

For a while, one of my best defense mechanisms for this type of crapola was every time he said something hateful like that to me, I would remind myself that he is talking to himself. It took some practice, but it helped me to not take his quacking personally.

If he said, "You're ridiculous, self-centered..." I'd think, "Yes, you are" and just remove myself from the conversation, knowing at that point that it was going nowhere.

I agree with the others, it feels like you are seeking validation that only you can give yourself. Permission to change our paths only comes from within. Hope you are feeling better today!

hopeful4

You know, I was talking to my sister about AH's addiction the other day (and the crazy stuff he has done over the years). I told her that it is good for me to talk to her and other people who are not involved with someone with addiction because it reminds me that AH's behavior IS NOT NORMAL. If we are not careful it becomes our normal too so what is acceptable in our own minds keeps getting pushed out further and further.

My heart is with you. Hugs.

lillamy

You know what it was for me?
Somehow, internet people weren't as real to me as real-life people.
I could dismiss what people here said with a (sometimes almost not consciously thought) "well but they don't know what's really going on; they just know what I tell them, and if what I tell them is screwed up, if my perspective is screwed up, then they're gonna give me advice based on something that's not true, so therefore, I can't trust the advice I get."

For me, it took me walking into my home, on the phone with a friend, AXH being upstairs, one of our kids being curled up in a fetal position at the foot of the stairs wailing, and AXH yelling at me as I walked in "TAKE CARE OF THAT KID OF YOURS OR HELL IS GOING TO BREAK LOOSE HERE!"

My friend overheard that before I hung up. And sent me an e-mail that said "What I overheard on the phone is ABUSE, and you and your children do not have to live with it."

That was it.
That was another person who had witnessed what went on regularly in my home, and who called it abuse.
I didn't have the option of second-guessing my perception of events.
My friend had overheard it first-hand.
And agreed with my very scared little feeling that this is not the life I want.

That's what it took for me.
Because I didn't really trust my own perceptions. Because AXH was a great manipulator who could talk me out of believing my own eyes. My own brain. My own heart.

Trust your gut. If your gut tells you your relationship is BAD and WRONG for you, trust it.

At the end of the day, you're not responsible for any other adults in the world. You're responsible for yourself.

Hugs.

Hadley

In today's society appearances are given so much weight and with facebook and all other social medias everyone is always trying to portray a perfect life and it gets hard not to compare our lives with those around us. I kept holding on for so long because I kept holding onto the idea of what things could be, the thought that he would finally realize what he was doing and come around and be the man I "knew he could be".

What it took for me was my family finally saying they loved me but couldn't help me anymore. They weren't going to bail me out, they weren't going to listen to the same stories over and over again, basically.. I was getting as sick or if not sicker than he was and my family was going to detach from me. I had become the person that people needed to detach from because I had become that unhealthy.

I am so thankful that hearing my mom say that woke me up. Granted, that coupled with all the stolen money, pawned items, and him getting me in legal trouble was finally enough to get him out of MY house.

Keep taking care of yourself and try to trust your gut.

blake1989

Hey isitme. I am very confused too. I have been working through the 'why do I stay', 'why i'm still here' question. I am on here a lot and can't bring myself to post sometimes. The title of your post really resonated with me. 'I just stay confused'. There are moments of clarity even though I 'stay confused' most of the time. Due to my codependence, the lengthy apologies she writes me, how she claims I am an 'angel' who has made her healthier than she's ever been, her constant outpouring of love peppered with the occasional horrifying blackout and bout of mega-quacking, it's become a potent cocktail (no pun intended) of validation and whatever you want to call that other ingredient.

I really like what FireSprite said about the hateful things. It also resonates because my girlfriend caught herself saying she was going to punch me when I tried to give her a hug during her last blackout (which I didn't know was occurring till I tried to hug her!). She apologized immediately even in her stupor, but the words don't mean as much to me anymore. We talked about it several times afterwards when she was at work and not drinking. She said "I would have said that to the wall if you weren't there. It had nothing to do with you."

isitme

Hadley: I'm so sorry it came to that for you. I think if I was in that position it would actually be a much easier choice for me. My family means the world to me and they are so supportive. I've often times worried about the amount is just "vent" to them and that at some point they are going to have enough. And say, if you won't help yourself and I can't help you either. That would crush me. But I guess I never really thought it could "actually" happen. To me it's just more of my "what if" thinking. So thank you, thank you for allowing me to realize than can and does happen.

Blake: I can sooo feel that from your post. It's maddening! I think about detachment, but then I wonder why I would want to be so much effort into a relationship I need to detach from. I try to focus on me, but then am told I'm selfish and don't care about the relationship. But then when he's not getting what he wants, it's ok to say, if I don't get what I want I'm going to cheat. I don't really know where I'm going with all of this except to say I feel it too. Hopefully one day we'll both come out of this stronger and wiser. ((hugs))

BlueSkies1

Reading your post something came to mind...your self-esteem and where you get it from...
we all need things to feel proud about...I could be way off the mark, I'm just guessing here...
but if you feel very good about something you have accomplished do you ever notice how much stronger you feel? How much more certain of your own feelings? How much more capable of whatever mountain you would like to climb in life?
Do you have something like that? Something that makes you very proud of yourself so that when he tries to shoot you down, you recognize it as baloney?
What can you do for yourself to feel proud which will lead to strength and self-assurance?
Am I off the mark?
I could be...and am...talking about myself. What I wrote above is how I feel...that when I accomplish something and feel proud, I notice just how much stronger I feel...and how much more sure of myself without needing validation from others...

isitme

Thanks BlueSkies - I do, I have a lot of accomplishments that I'm pretty proud of. I should cling to those things. It's kind of funny. I've done a lot of self reflection and it seem for the most part I'm only super co-dependent with him. He's the only one I allow to make me feel this way. That should be enough for me to realize how unhealthy our relationship is. I don't really feel like I try to control him or his drinking or what he does at all. I just try to control the way he treats me and that is NEVER going to work. I just need to stand up and say it. There is just some block there that I can't really get past. I thought we had an accomplishment thread going.. maybe I should bump is up. Sounds like we could all use it.

BlueSkies1

Maybe it's a scales thing...a weighing of your self-esteem...do you give his opinion more weight than it should carry? and your accomplishments less than they should carry?
I think it's so easy to let one person be the deciding factor on our own self-worth...when the truth is far different...
So maybe you need to re-balance that inner-scale and decide differently on what carries the most weight...
If he's being mentally abusive, knocking you down, when you do have accomplishments...perhaps he is doing this as a manipulative technique to keep you down...else you could start to stand up for yourself...
sometimes people are really as devilish as they seem...and usually because of their own insecurities...
sounds like the man is afraid he might lose you...else why have to knock you down but to keep you where he wants you?
Love lifts us up.
He may fear you hold all the power and have all along...
you certainly do for your own life...it's your decision if you give that power away....