Can Someone Help me Understand what Transpired?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Can Someone Help me Understand what Transpired?
So. I have to say I was touched by RA’s manners last night. He said repeatedly “If you want to talk, I can listen, if you have questions, I will answer them to the best of my ability, if you want me to leave you alone, I will. If you want to snuggle, I would love that, but if you don’t – I understand. I want you to feel comfortable and I want you to know you matter and your feelings matter”. He starts Intensive Outpatient tomorrow – he is going to his first meeting tonight. So – I go on FB this morning and I see a post from him “I’m finally back!!” I don’t mind. It’s ok. (we have common friends, mutual friends, MOST everyone knows what was going on (but not everyone). I didn’t love the post – but I do like that he is being social (isolated himself before) but I’m really not thrilled -because like I said not everyone in my family knows he went to rehab. Ok I guess I mind. Yes – it was not ok with me. I didn’t like the post.
So there are 10 comments and he has already friended a few rehab buddies on FB (that I am truly glad for) but I do not like that the comments are public. The rehab buddies including my RA are making jokes about being in rehab (which is fine) but I would have appreciated that they do that in private- text each other, private message each other, do it on the phone– not where I can see it, or my family can see it. We didn’t laugh the whole time. And I understand it’s good to find some humor even in the most serious of things, but I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I find it insulting and disrespectful. He just got home yesterday. It’s not funny yet.
So I text him and I tell him how I feel. I ask him to delete the post. He immediately says ok. But he can’t figure out how to delete the post and he did a mini-lash at me on the phone. I was horrified. He asked me via text how to delete a post – meanwhile I text’d and said “you think it was FUNNY??????” and he responded “f*ck you. Now tell me how to delete the post”
I actually wrote “Did you just say f*ck you to me?” like I actually had to ask – I was reading it. It was right there in front of me.
Long story short - He basically violated my boundaries that I put in my cost letter. If you verbally assault me I will divorce you. I guess he just did. So I’m hysterically crying. He says “I’m truly sorry. I was embarrassed. I panicked. I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I was panicking. I reverted back to old behaviors. “ You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.” He kept saying this. I know he meant it. I understand what you are saying, but I panicked.
So do regular people snap at you and then apologize? Or is it just alcoholics? I’m confused. What happened today? Did an alcoholic revert to bad behaviors? Or did a person get embarrassed, panic and spit out a few sentences (the mini lash was quacking, no swearing). Or is it both?
Which is it? What’s happening?
I told him shortly after “I forgive you for how you acted”. I felt bad for him to be honest with you. He was deemed Big Buddy at rehab, he attracted people there, he let me sit in the room yesterday while his group counselor asked him 15 pages of personal questions. He was so honest and open. I don’t know. I said I forgive you. Have I ever snapped at someone? Yes I have.
UGGHHH…
So there are 10 comments and he has already friended a few rehab buddies on FB (that I am truly glad for) but I do not like that the comments are public. The rehab buddies including my RA are making jokes about being in rehab (which is fine) but I would have appreciated that they do that in private- text each other, private message each other, do it on the phone– not where I can see it, or my family can see it. We didn’t laugh the whole time. And I understand it’s good to find some humor even in the most serious of things, but I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I find it insulting and disrespectful. He just got home yesterday. It’s not funny yet.
So I text him and I tell him how I feel. I ask him to delete the post. He immediately says ok. But he can’t figure out how to delete the post and he did a mini-lash at me on the phone. I was horrified. He asked me via text how to delete a post – meanwhile I text’d and said “you think it was FUNNY??????” and he responded “f*ck you. Now tell me how to delete the post”
I actually wrote “Did you just say f*ck you to me?” like I actually had to ask – I was reading it. It was right there in front of me.
Long story short - He basically violated my boundaries that I put in my cost letter. If you verbally assault me I will divorce you. I guess he just did. So I’m hysterically crying. He says “I’m truly sorry. I was embarrassed. I panicked. I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I was panicking. I reverted back to old behaviors. “ You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.” He kept saying this. I know he meant it. I understand what you are saying, but I panicked.
So do regular people snap at you and then apologize? Or is it just alcoholics? I’m confused. What happened today? Did an alcoholic revert to bad behaviors? Or did a person get embarrassed, panic and spit out a few sentences (the mini lash was quacking, no swearing). Or is it both?
Which is it? What’s happening?
I told him shortly after “I forgive you for how you acted”. I felt bad for him to be honest with you. He was deemed Big Buddy at rehab, he attracted people there, he let me sit in the room yesterday while his group counselor asked him 15 pages of personal questions. He was so honest and open. I don’t know. I said I forgive you. Have I ever snapped at someone? Yes I have.
UGGHHH…
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
"Regular" people snap and apologize all the time. What he chooses to post on Facebook about his recovery is his business. I know you are very raw and on edge right now so it's hard not to get upset at every little thing. It's going to take some time to learn how to communicate. Sorry you're feeling so stressed. Hugs to you.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by meggem 
So. I have to say I was touched by RA’s manners last night. He said repeatedly “If you want to talk, I can listen, if you have questions, I will answer them to the best of my ability, if you want me to leave you alone, I will. If you want to snuggle, I would love that, but if you don’t – I understand. I want you to feel comfortable and I want you to know you matter and your feelings matter”. He starts Intensive Outpatient tomorrow – he is going to his first meeting tonight. So – I go on FB this morning and I see a post from him “I’m finally back!!” I don’t mind. It’s ok. (we have common friends, mutual friends, MOST everyone knows what was going on (but not everyone). I didn’t love the post – but I do like that he is being social (isolated himself before) but I’m really not thrilled -because like I said not everyone in my family knows he went to rehab. Ok I guess I mind. Yes – it was not ok with me. I didn’t like the post.
So there are 10 comments and he has already friended a few rehab buddies on FB (that I am truly glad for) but I do not like that the comments are public. The rehab buddies including my RA are making jokes about being in rehab (which is fine) but I would have appreciated that they do that in private- text each other, private message each other, do it on the phone– not where I can see it, or my family can see it. We didn’t laugh the whole time. And I understand it’s good to find some humor even in the most serious of things, but I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I find it insulting and disrespectful. He just got home yesterday. It’s not funny yet.
So I text him and I tell him how I feel. I ask him to delete the post. He immediately says ok. But he can’t figure out how to delete the post and he did a mini-lash at me on the phone. I was horrified. He asked me via text how to delete a post – meanwhile I text’d and said “you think it was FUNNY??????” and he responded “f*ck you. Now tell me how to delete the post”
I actually wrote “Did you just say f*ck you to me?” like I actually had to ask – I was reading it. It was right there in front of me.
Long story short - He basically violated my boundaries that I put in my cost letter. If you verbally assault me I will divorce you. I guess he just did. So I’m hysterically crying. He says “I’m truly sorry. I was embarrassed. I panicked. I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I was panicking. I reverted back to old behaviors. “ You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.” He kept saying this. I know he meant it. I understand what you are saying, but I panicked.
So do regular people snap at you and then apologize? Or is it just alcoholics? I’m confused. What happened today? Did an alcoholic revert to bad behaviors? Or did a person get embarrassed, panic and spit out a few sentences (the mini lash was quacking, no swearing). Or is it both?
Which is it? What’s happening?
I told him shortly after “I forgive you for how you acted”. I felt bad for him to be honest with you. He was deemed Big Buddy at rehab, he attracted people there, he let me sit in the room yesterday while his group counselor asked him 15 pages of personal questions. He was so honest and open. I don’t know. I said I forgive you. Have I ever snapped at someone? Yes I have.
UGGHHH…
So there are 10 comments and he has already friended a few rehab buddies on FB (that I am truly glad for) but I do not like that the comments are public. The rehab buddies including my RA are making jokes about being in rehab (which is fine) but I would have appreciated that they do that in private- text each other, private message each other, do it on the phone– not where I can see it, or my family can see it. We didn’t laugh the whole time. And I understand it’s good to find some humor even in the most serious of things, but I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I find it insulting and disrespectful. He just got home yesterday. It’s not funny yet.
So I text him and I tell him how I feel. I ask him to delete the post. He immediately says ok. But he can’t figure out how to delete the post and he did a mini-lash at me on the phone. I was horrified. He asked me via text how to delete a post – meanwhile I text’d and said “you think it was FUNNY??????” and he responded “f*ck you. Now tell me how to delete the post”
I actually wrote “Did you just say f*ck you to me?” like I actually had to ask – I was reading it. It was right there in front of me.
Long story short - He basically violated my boundaries that I put in my cost letter. If you verbally assault me I will divorce you. I guess he just did. So I’m hysterically crying. He says “I’m truly sorry. I was embarrassed. I panicked. I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I was panicking. I reverted back to old behaviors. “ You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.” He kept saying this. I know he meant it. I understand what you are saying, but I panicked.
So do regular people snap at you and then apologize? Or is it just alcoholics? I’m confused. What happened today? Did an alcoholic revert to bad behaviors? Or did a person get embarrassed, panic and spit out a few sentences (the mini lash was quacking, no swearing). Or is it both?
Which is it? What’s happening?
I told him shortly after “I forgive you for how you acted”. I felt bad for him to be honest with you. He was deemed Big Buddy at rehab, he attracted people there, he let me sit in the room yesterday while his group counselor asked him 15 pages of personal questions. He was so honest and open. I don’t know. I said I forgive you. Have I ever snapped at someone? Yes I have.
UGGHHH…
to me (and maybe im wrong) this just sounds like you have some feelings that you need to work on. Im not saying your feelings and concerns are not valid i am just implying that while reading what you wrote you clearly state that 1. you were upset and uncomfortable about his post for family friends to see then 2. you were upset that his rehab friends and him were responding to that post with humor and 3. you then demanded he delete the post
it is VERY good that he is open AND honest about his addiction AND recovery, (recovery being the key word) had this post been the opposite making jokes about rehab and addiction and still using i would agree with you THAT IS EMBARRASSING however if he is truly trying and sober then it is wonderful thing that he is not embarrassed by getting help.
I wish my ah were like that (be sober and then be proud to be sober ) however many talks with my ah he has clearly stated hes embarrassed that he cannot drink, that he is an "alcoholic" and that there is something "wrong" with him.
anyhow my point is it is better that he be open and joke about his recovery than him joke about his drinking. see the difference?
but like i said i know WHY you felt that way because having dealt with an alcoholic after years of the bs ...it is natural that you feel like its no laughing matter AT ALL and embarrassment but my advice is to recognize the steps you took and the steps you COULD have taken.
to answer your question yes regular people snap and then apologize (thats considered healthy anger)
anyhow its very good he apologized but it sounds as though you may need some recovery of your own. it'll help greatly with the transition and past hurt.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah FB. 
Some folks use it as a Diary, some use it as Diarrhea.
Guess I may have told you the story about Mrs. Hammer's first day back from Rehab? We were at a Cub Scout Meeting. Mrs. Hammer took off her jacket and had on her shirt "REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS" across the front and back. That got some eyes. Then the Den was discussing "healthy habits," and our son stood up and announced that, "Mom is just back from rehab, and they taught her to eat healthy again."
I had lied to the Cub Scout Leader about where she had been. He just stopped and stared at me.
Busted.
Meggem, you are going to figure out along this path that NONE of HIS problem is YOUR, unless you let it be so.
Some folks use it as a Diary, some use it as Diarrhea.
Guess I may have told you the story about Mrs. Hammer's first day back from Rehab? We were at a Cub Scout Meeting. Mrs. Hammer took off her jacket and had on her shirt "REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS" across the front and back. That got some eyes. Then the Den was discussing "healthy habits," and our son stood up and announced that, "Mom is just back from rehab, and they taught her to eat healthy again."
I had lied to the Cub Scout Leader about where she had been. He just stopped and stared at me.
Busted.
Meggem, you are going to figure out along this path that NONE of HIS problem is YOUR, unless you let it be so.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
sorry you are upset right now.
when my ex came back from rehab he was on good behavior, reading from a native american spiritual book, talking w rehab friends (2 relapsed and committed suicide), and using what i thought were rehab talking points about how to speak positively to someone. it gradually wore off and he drank (not implying yours will).
i was worried, exhausted and angry when he returned. where was my rehab? where was my support team (didnt do alanon back then)? i had major anger to work through. when i did therapy and alanon weekly after several months i started to process things less angrily. it has taken several years to work through residual anger and i have anger relapses ocassionaly.
you both are so raw right now that i would consider holding off on major discussons for a couple of days.
i get that you were mad about facebook. i would have been too, BUT part of boundaries and detaching is not getting on him about expressing himself about that. sure you are free to tell him how you feel about it, but then he can and did express his feelings back to you. confusing isnt it?
sorry you are upset right now.
when my ex came back from rehab he was on good behavior, reading from a native american spiritual book, talking w rehab friends (2 relapsed and committed suicide), and using what i thought were rehab talking points about how to speak positively to someone. it gradually wore off and he drank (not implying yours will).
i was worried, exhausted and angry when he returned. where was my rehab? where was my support team (didnt do alanon back then)? i had major anger to work through. when i did therapy and alanon weekly after several months i started to process things less angrily. it has taken several years to work through residual anger and i have anger relapses ocassionaly.
you both are so raw right now that i would consider holding off on major discussons for a couple of days.
i get that you were mad about facebook. i would have been too, BUT part of boundaries and detaching is not getting on him about expressing himself about that. sure you are free to tell him how you feel about it, but then he can and did express his feelings back to you. confusing isnt it?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem, I think MissFixit pretty well says it--you are both so raw, right now!!. Detachment--detachment---detachment.
I would suggest alanon connection asap---this will help you with gaining more clarity and stop your brain from spinning.
Right now you need lots of support--and, education about this disease and the process of recovery. Knowledge is power.
I would listen to MissFixit--as she has been in your shoes!!!
dandylion
I would suggest alanon connection asap---this will help you with gaining more clarity and stop your brain from spinning.
Right now you need lots of support--and, education about this disease and the process of recovery. Knowledge is power.
I would listen to MissFixit--as she has been in your shoes!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by meggem
So do regular people snap at you and then apologize? Or is it just alcoholics? I’m confused. What happened today? Did an alcoholic revert to bad behaviors? Or did a person get embarrassed, panic and spit out a few sentences (the mini lash was quacking, no swearing). Or is it both?
Here's the thing...YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. Your A is responsible for THEIR actions. If someone looks down on you or judges you because of something your A does or says, that is their problem...not yours. You do not need to own what does not belong to you. I second thislonelygirl...it is a good think that your A is being open about rehab. Maybe it's not in the most constructive way all the time, but that is his choice.
Meggem, I hope the AlAnon meeting on Saturday is there for you...I think you will get a lot out of it. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It's a real eye opener. Early recovery is very difficult...it is more important than ever to keep the focus on yourself. You've been through a lot in the last 24 hours so take some time for you today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I doubt your family reads every single thing on Facebook.
I don't know. This guy can't even keep calm long enough to figure out how to delete a Facebook post.
I personally think the broadcasting everything on Facebook is a little weird, but if it helps him, more power to him...I guess.
I don't know. This guy can't even keep calm long enough to figure out how to delete a Facebook post.
I personally think the broadcasting everything on Facebook is a little weird, but if it helps him, more power to him...I guess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
No No, It's not so much that I had an opinion about Facebook, it's that he reacted quick and harsh in a panic (then apologized) maybe he could have said "well, I understand what you are saying, here is how I feel, how can we compromise" - Even if he said "I can understand how you feel but this is what *I* need to do to feel ok" - Maybe I would have respected his empowerment - Maybe I wouldn't have - Maybe I am trying to control - But he panicked and spewed quickly and I don't know what that means. Does that mean something -nothing- or all in between. I know you all must think I am a train wreck right now and if you do, you are right. I have never felt so lost in all of my life. Ever. Ever. I can't keep it together - I feel 50 things in a 2 minute period. I feel like I have to tell "most people" that I'm hanging in there, I don't want to lie and say that I've never been better and I don't want to say that I am falling apart at the seams because I feel like they just don't know. I am going to the meeting on Saturday. And I am not a stranger to pain, or darkness or confusion or fear - but I have always been able to work through it and I feel like I am going to die. Not really die - but die. I know I am a completely flawed person. But I'm not an alcoholic and I don't know how to be. I said I forgave him, then I didn't know if I was a human being with feelings or if I was codependent and enabling or excusing or tolerating. Then I thought, maybe I should be sorry - maybe it was rude of me to blast off a text message no matter how "well read" I thought it was - maybe my words and method of communication caused him to feel embarrassed. Maybe I would feel the same way. Then I thought I was making excuses and taking responsibility for something that doesn't belong to me. And then I thought why don't I just jump off the cliff now and get it over with? (I'm not serious, I use sarcasm a lot). I am hurting so bad and I can only pray to get better little by little with the grace of god. Now I'm not even sure if I'm talking "right" on this board. thanks to you all. I'm sorry.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by meggem
No No, It's not so much that I had an opinion about Facebook, it's that he reacted quick and harsh in a panic (then apologized) maybe he could have said "well, I understand what you are saying, here is how I feel, how can we compromise" - Even if he said "I can understand how you feel but this is what *I* need to do to feel ok" - Maybe I would have respected his empowerment - Maybe I wouldn't have - Maybe I am trying to control - But he panicked and spewed quickly and I don't know what that means. Does that mean something -nothing- or all in between. I know you all must think I am a train wreck right now and if you do, you are right. I have never felt so lost in all of my life. Ever. Ever. I can't keep it together - I feel 50 things in a 2 minute period. I feel like I have to tell "most people" that I'm hanging in there, I don't want to lie and say that I've never been better and I don't want to say that I am falling apart at the seams because I feel like they just don't know. I am going to the meeting on Saturday. And I am not a stranger to pain, or darkness or confusion or fear - but I have always been able to work through it and I feel like I am going to die. Not really die - but die. I know I am a completely flawed person. But I'm not an alcoholic and I don't know how to be. I said I forgave him, then I didn't know if I was a human being with feelings or if I was codependent and enabling or excusing or tolerating. Then I thought, maybe I should be sorry - maybe it was rude of me to blast off a text message no matter how "well read" I thought it was - maybe my words and method of communication caused him to feel embarrassed. Maybe I would feel the same way. Then I thought I was making excuses and taking responsibility for something that doesn't belong to me. And then I thought why don't I just jump off the cliff now and get it over with? (I'm not serious, I use sarcasm a lot). I am hurting so bad and I can only pray to get better little by little with the grace of god. Now I'm not even sure if I'm talking "right" on this board. thanks to you all. I'm sorry.
Woah! pull the reigns! you really need to slow down and calm down. I know its scary but deep breaths ! and theres no "right" way to talk on this board. we are all whack jobs lol.....we all make normal human mistakes and then some adding on the alcoholic in our lives. The thing is that when you go from communicating with an alcoholic to communicating with a recovering alcoholic your being thrown into a new way of talking, thinking,acting and then some. also the fear of relapse, the mental weight and stress of alcoholism (which does affect us)
just because someone reacts snappy doesnt mean theres anything more to it and more than likely it could be a reaction to his sobriety. remember hes learning to act and talk right and control his emotions. he is also learning to cope without alcohol.
The best thing for YOU is to work on yourself and to not over analyze everything he does or says or try not too....itll just make you crazy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem, there is a saying in recovery circles "Paralyzing by analyzing". You are overthinking it right now--probably to feel like you are in control of things, is my guess.
Actually, if you are feeling this bad--I would make an emergency appointment with my doctor and discuss it. Surely, you can be open with your doctor...right.
Try to distract yourself in some way tonight and get some rest if you can.
You will work through this--one day and one step at a time.
dandylion
Actually, if you are feeling this bad--I would make an emergency appointment with my doctor and discuss it. Surely, you can be open with your doctor...right.
Try to distract yourself in some way tonight and get some rest if you can.
You will work through this--one day and one step at a time.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I know I'm over-thinking. I really do. My head knows it all, it's my soul that isn't making the connection. I'm in touch with my doctors. I'll do whatever I need to do. I have 2 beautiful little girls that I pray are young enough to not remember this. (newly 5 and 18 months). It could be worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by meggem
No No, It's not so much that I had an opinion about Facebook, it's that he reacted quick and harsh in a panic (then apologized) maybe he could have said "well, I understand what you are saying, here is how I feel, how can we compromise" - Even if he said "I can understand how you feel but this is what *I* need to do to feel ok" - Maybe I would have respected his empowerment - Maybe I wouldn't have - Maybe I am trying to control - But he panicked and spewed quickly and I don't know what that means. Does that mean something -nothing- or all in between. I know you all must think I am a train wreck right now and if you do, you are right. I have never felt so lost in all of my life. Ever. Ever. I can't keep it together - I feel 50 things in a 2 minute period. I feel like I have to tell "most people" that I'm hanging in there, I don't want to lie and say that I've never been better and I don't want to say that I am falling apart at the seams because I feel like they just don't know. I am going to the meeting on Saturday. And I am not a stranger to pain, or darkness or confusion or fear - but I have always been able to work through it and I feel like I am going to die. Not really die - but die. I know I am a completely flawed person. But I'm not an alcoholic and I don't know how to be. I said I forgave him, then I didn't know if I was a human being with feelings or if I was codependent and enabling or excusing or tolerating. Then I thought, maybe I should be sorry - maybe it was rude of me to blast off a text message no matter how "well read" I thought it was - maybe my words and method of communication caused him to feel embarrassed. Maybe I would feel the same way. Then I thought I was making excuses and taking responsibility for something that doesn't belong to me. And then I thought why don't I just jump off the cliff now and get it over with? (I'm not serious, I use sarcasm a lot). I am hurting so bad and I can only pray to get better little by little with the grace of god. Now I'm not even sure if I'm talking "right" on this board. thanks to you all. I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.....I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and are in so much pain. I have tons of anger to work through too, about a multitude of things. Be good to yourself and try not to overanalyze what he says or does right now. You're confused as it is and trying to figure out what's going on in his head isn't doing either of you any good.
Have you been in therapy? It really helps to have someone to vent to and give you different perspectives.
HUGE hugs to you. I hope you feel better soon.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
So do regular people snap at you and then apologize? Or is it just alcoholics? I’m confused. What happened today? Did an alcoholic revert to bad behaviors? Or did a person get embarrassed, panic and spit out a few sentences (the mini lash was quacking, no swearing). Or is it both?
Which is it? What’s happening?
Which is it? What’s happening?
Some of the PG-13 rates things I've been called by my stepson are the 'gold-digging tropy wife' or a 'naive s*** kicker' and told to 'roll it up, turn it sideways, set it on fire, and shove it' ...well, never mind
Those things, imho, were insulting and disrespectful to me--let alone the 'non PG' things he has said in public. I think I would be pleased if my stepson could be open, honest, and transparent about his recovery efforts--even on Facebook. To me, those would be hallmarks of true progress in his recovery.
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