spiderqueen

^^^^this is so smart and helpful!!!^^^^^^

Please keep breathing, dear Meggem. Depriving your tired brain of oxygen is the last thing you and your little girls need!

I have two daughters, too - mine are biggish, now - 12 &16. Gosh, I remember them at those ages. They need you to stay as calm as you can. We will help, just keep posting, get any and all other support you need for YOU, and hang in there.
(((((hugs))))))

Eddiebuckle

Mood swings, horrible short term memory, and being frustrated easily are very common in early sobriety, and what you experienced may have been just that. If you are not familiar with it, I suggest you google PAWS - post acute withdrawal syndrome. Alcohol does a number on the central nervous system, and it takes up to 18 months of sobriety for the brain to heal to the extent that it will. Most of the improvement happens in the first 3 months, but it has a pretty long tail.

However, PAWS is not a get out of jail free card. He is still responsible for his words and actions. Blurting something like that out face to face is a little easier to accept than the act of making a text and hitting send (you at least have the chance to take it back before you "say" it, unlike verbal communication).

I wouldn't pass judgment based on one event, but if it continues you need to consider whether you are prepared to follow through on your boundary.

Lily1918

amen

coolchick

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down and angry right now but PLEASE be kind to yourself. OMG it is so perfectly NORMAL how you are feeling - all of it.

The first night my husband was in rehab I just sat on the couch and didn't move until it was time to go to bed. I was so exhausted mentally and emotionally from the day.

Then when he came out it was even harder. I didn't know how he would be and i didn't know how I would be around him. He was so sanctimonious and full of himself. And it was all about HIM as usual. I was SO angry at him. I filled many notebooks with my thoughts, screaming on the paper so I wouldn't scream at him although I also did that quite a few times too.

After living with an alcoholic, even if they go into recovery, your reserves are just all used up. There is nothing left to give even to yourself. That is why I tell you to be kind to yourself and gentle in your judgment of how you are feeling right now.

It is normal to be angry. It is normal to be exhausted. It is normal to be sick of having your world revolve around them - first because of the drinking and now because of recovery. PLUS you have the extra worry now of what if he relapses and then what will you do then?

And they do not realize what you have been through. My husband had very few memories of his abusive behavior. When I would get mad at him after he had stopped drinking because I felt he "owed me" something - I don't know exactly what - for the years and years and years of drinking and abuse he said "I said I was sorry, didn't I?" and he truly believed that was enough.

My personal feeling is that alcoholics are very selfish and that doesn't change much even if they stop drinking. My therapist told me I needed to stop waiting for him to say he was sorry or to make amends to me because it might never happen. I couldn't accept that for a long long time. I am starting to understand now.

Everyone is giving you good advice. You need to concentrate on YOUR recovery. I know it is easier said than done. It's been five and a half years and a liver transplant later and I'm still working on it. I still feel so angry and so resentful at times. But it is getting better.

Go for a walk, get some exercise, eat healthy foods, drink lots of water, read books on mindfulness or go to a class, meditate, go to therapy, talk to a good friend, talk to people on here, write in a journal, find things that bring YOU joy and make YOU happy. Your goal is to be happy and strong no matter what he does or doesn't do.

Take good care of yourself.

Upsetnneedhelp

[QUOTE=Hammer;4278962]Yeah FB
Guess I may have told you the story about Mrs. Hammer's first day back from Rehab? We were at a Cub Scout Meeting. Mrs. Hammer took off her jacket and had on her shirt "REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS" across the front and back. That got some eyes. Then the Den was discussing "healthy habits," and our son stood up and announced that, "Mom is just back from rehab, and they taught her to eat healthy again."I had lied to the Cub Scout Leader about where she had been. He just stopped and stared at me.
Busted.

How is Mrs. Hammer today? Just asking???

Hopeworks

Meggem,

Sorry you are going through this. Having gone through at least 6 rehab stints with my XA I have dealt with Mr. Snappy Snarky over and over...lol!

YOu have to remember that they are hardwired Mr. Hyde and a short stint in rehab and AA does not a instant saint make! It takes a long time for a serious person in authentic recovery to change how they think, how they communicate and become a compassionate, caring and loving mate.

Progress not perfection. Sounds like there is at least some potential for real recovery taking root... but it is action not words that count.

Have you been in therapy? Learning how to communicate effectively in the aftermath of the destruction of an alcoholic meltdown marriage is a difficult path to walk for both the XA and the spouse.

For example... imagine winding back the clock. What if you had thought it through and waiting until hubby got home and gave him a smile and peck on the cheek and said when you feel up to it can we talk about something that I want to share with you?

You are asking him to hear your feelings. When he says its OK to share you had said

"when I read your facebook I felt _________________.

Now... instead of attacking him or making him "FEEL" like you were attacking him you shared how you "felt". Now it doesn't mean what you feel is right or wrong but you FEEL it and feelings trigger emotions and outbursts and anger and etc, etc, etc...

The alcoholic dance of constant anger is hard to break... I can give great advice but I sure didn't live it! Heck I probably would have packed his stuff and moved him out... I used to do that every time he picked up a drink and that was A LOT! lol.

And what you did was not wrong and maybe his blabbing his life story wasn't wrong either... sometimes things are not wrong or right but they can be insensitive and thoughtless... something that comes easy to early recovery alcoholics.

So how does your mate learn how to consider your feelings before doing things and how do you learn not to react without thinking through how it will affect him and make him feel.

Work. Recovery. Therapy. Lots of it. You have to relearn how to love each
other. He has to learn how to not trigger you and to think things through. Relationships with sober people is hard! But if you both want it to work and willing to work your programs it can end up being a better marriage than ever... the odds of that are greatly increased with therapy...separate and together later.

Hope that helps sweetie. Be kind to yourself. Take a vacation with your girlfriends and go walk on the beach and get a massage and pedicure. Time is your friend.

dandylion

meggem---HopeWorks has said it much better than I ever could. I suggest reading it over and over........as well as the other excellent advice that has been given. It is clear to me that these people have walked in your shoes.

dandylion

involved

MegM I know for me, when I start to feel like my head is going to explode I kinda get into my Forrest Gump mode and walk it off...exercise is the best way for me to work out that gawd awful anxiety and stress. Its healthy and meditative and releaving to me. I hope you can find patiance and tolerance towards yourself and your husband. We are all human and there is a margin of error! It helps me to understand that what my RABF is going thru a life change much harder than dieting or quitting smokeing only he cant "cheat"! And if you have done either of those things you understand the stress it can create. Your world as you know it is changeing (hopefully for the better) and you dont know how to act or feel! Scarey to relax, let go and let God, one day at a time. When I read co-dependent no more I cried my eyes out thru the first pages of the book because I finally felt that I wasnt alone! This is how I feel! Some one understands!!! AND wrote a book about it!!! Good luck to you both.

hopeful4

Meggem...My heart is with you. It is an emoational time for both of you I am sure. I can only say that I have a personality type that I snap sometimes and say things I regret (I have a hot temper)! The difference is, I usto act all high and mighty like I did not do anything wrong. Now when I do say something I regret, I see what I did and immediately make ammends. I am not an addict nor do I have a drinking problem. I am human as we all are. I have just worked the steps and don't want to have some huge list of ammends to make in my life, I like a nice, clean slate. Yes, the codependents work steps too lol.

One word of caution. When my AH came out of rehab many of those people texted with him and they were friends on facebook. As they relapsed they were a big trigger for him. It was a shock. One died not long ago. He has cut ties with all of those people as he realized they were not healthy friendships. He tends to isolate himself quite a bit so I was sad to see him not be able to be friends with them but I totally understand.

I don't think there should be a stigma attached to rehab. I know there is, but it is so much better than staying home and hiding and doing nothing about your issue.

Huge hugs to you. Please keep posting, you are not alone!

involved

Also ...Step 1. Admitted we were powerless = people, places, and things.
Serenity Prayer...God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keeping those things in the front of my mind at all times usually helps me work thru difficult situations...

lillamy

Hugs, friend. I think just as it's hellishly difficult for a newly sober alkie to negotiate normal life, it is hellishly difficult for a codie/enabler to try to live a non-enabling life whether our A is drinking or not. It's so darn easy to overanalyze.

I know when I first started going to Al-Anon, I felt like I had to do it right -- almost like if I found the magic formula for "Doing Al-Anon" AXH would stop drinking or something. Like it was all on me.

I remember beating myself up for not having done things "right" or communicated like I was learning to...

We're not gonna be perfect, and neither are they. I think deep breaths are good and also remembering that not every interaction is the end of the world, that more will be revealed, and if you feel you (or he) screwed up today, you can try again tomorrow.

CarryOn

Hi Meggem...like Hopeworks said, time is your friend. You have only just started to deal with this...your RAH just went to Rehab in October, and if I remember correctly you were completely blindsided.

The first few months after I realized there was a problem with RAH's drinking felt like crisis mode the entire time - like I had to make the right decision RIGHT NOW, that each thing I did was going to change my entire world & his so I had to get it exactly PERFECT or I was going to screw everything up. You know what, I was SO wrong. After some time, counseling & Alanon, I started to understand that I could only take care of myself and I really don't have the power to change the world or even control RAH (and I really, really wanted to). I have to turn that over to my HP.

One of my favorite AlAnon slogans is 'don't just do something, stand there' (or something along those lines). I like it because it reminds me I don't have to do something before I am ready to do it, and I don't have to say something when I haven't thought it through.

I want to share something that I did last week that made me so proud (one year into counseling, mind you). RAH was at the house (we've been living separately since March) because I asked him to feed the dogs as I would be late at work. He called me in the afternoon to ask if it was okay for him to go over to workout & then hang with the dogs for awhile...sure, no problem. When I got home, he hadn't worked out, just sat & watched TV with the dogs & fed them & waited for me to come home. It triggered me...but I wasn't sure why. So, I went upstairs to change my clothes & took some time to just sit, breathe, and think. I needed to feel my feelings, connect my head & heart to what I was feeling & figure out why I felt the way I did - what of it was my responsibility & what behavior from RAH made me feel that way. I was then able to explain to RAH why I seemed angry - 1. I've been living alone for 7 months, so to come home to someone in my space was very strange; 2. RAH did not follow through on what he told me & that triggers my trust issues; 3. RAH's choices mirrored those he was making before I kicked him out (sit around all afternoon watching TV...and drinking). We could then discuss & each take responsibility for our behavior, etc. It actually ended up being a very positive experience for both of us because we handled it so much better than we did in the past. Again, it's been a year of recovery work for me, and about 6 months for RAH...this stuff takes time. Hope my E helps you a little. Breathe, meggem...you're doing just fine.

Hammer

dunno.

Mrs. Hammer is not (Mr.) Hammer's (me) problem.

And THAT is good by me.

I have three kids to look out for . . . and NONE of them are named Mrs. Hammer.

Thanks for asking.

LovesVWs

I could have written this, and I am living it now.

I wish my RAH was open about his addictions and rehab stint to friends and family, but he often jokes about rehab with his friends he made there. I'm OK with it because they are HIS choices and actions. I choose to not judge or react. However he still gets a bit snappy and reactive. It's all baby steps. Don't over analyze it.