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Judges orders

Old 11-06-2013, 08:26 AM
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Judges orders

The judges orders from our latest temporary hearing leave our kids primarily with me, xAH is to attend AA twice a week and provide proof of attendance (that was always a part of it and he has never shown proof of attendance and nothing has happened so I am not holding my breath) AND we are to attend co-parenting counseling together.

Because clearly someone who has abused me, our kids and is a raging drunk is someone I want and should be made to sit in counseling with so he can manipulate and present his narcissistic false self to yet ANOTHER person.

The judge is insane and yes my lawyer pointed out all the reasons this is a terrible idea. And the moronic judge stated that she would hope we could put our issues secondary to our kids and act like "civilized" adults. Then she proceeded to berate us both for being educators who work with kids when we can't even manage to cooperate for the well being of our kids.

I am so goddamn fed up with the legal system. Kids protection, my protection, truth, safety etc... None of it matters. The gold standard here is that both parents have equal custody unless one parent is in jail.

So two Mondays from now I will have to go to co parenting counseling with him.

Great huh?
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:42 AM
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I am so sorry and so thankful I don't live in your state. My attorney advised me yesterday that it is not nearly as common as I thought for parents to get 50/50 here. I about cried from relief.

You stated in your other post that he drives with your children in the car drunk. Can you follow him even one time and call the police and have him arrested? I guess that was my first thought as to what I would do. Then he would be in jail. I know in this state if you are driving drunk w/a child in the car it is a much more severe punishment. Just a thought.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you and your family. Hugs!
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:47 AM
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prayers that the counselor will have open non bias eyes to see the truth of the situation and that the best interest of the girls will be the counselor's main focus!

keep taking good care of you & focusing on what is healthiest for you & your girls

pink hugs!
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:54 AM
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It should be mandatory that if one is going to practice family law or be a sitting judge in family court, the lawyer/judge should be educated on addiction. HOW can one pass any sort of judgement w/o that sort of knowledge correctly?? THEY CANT... So sorry this is happening to you and your family; I pray all will be revealed and made right.
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:54 AM
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I'm sorry and unfortunately, there are judges (for some reason often female) who look down on women who have chosen abusive partners and want them to "work it out for the sake of the children."

Let me tell you what my children's therapists say - every single one that they've seen: the only way children can recover from the abuse (and even if you were the one abused, that affects the children) is to know in their heart of hearts that they don't need to be with him.

I got a bad judgment against me and just kept gathering evidence. I would be willing to bet money that your ex won't keep up the documented AA meetings and you can drag him
Back into court.

Meanwhile, I wish the Ghost of Christmas Future would visit that judge and show her what her life may look like in ten years if her partner becomes addicted to alcohol.
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:56 AM
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I am done with counseling from now on with my npd stbah, I tried to "coparent" while going to counseling with him, but am moving to parallel parenting and stopping counseling until I am court ordered. Be aware, mine manipulated the therapist quite easily and she was even my therapist... unbelievable. I am learning the hard way.... My advice, smile and nod and talk about your recovery... because he will use anything against you. Mine got so much satisfaction from making me upset, please learn from me and stay calm as a cucumber no matter what....then he may get bored and move on to a different target. I will send positive energy your way....
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Readreadread View Post
npd
Yep. Once you hit the Personality Disorders part of this game, most of the "Common Sense," and "Just talk this through," type stuff is just nonsense.

Here is a good read on that topic . . .

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:18 AM
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20 years ago, a judge said to my ex husband and I " I am a swipe away of ordering both of you to a weekend in jail, my only question is, which one of you want to go first?"

Divorce and custody are a HUGE emotional issue for those who are living it, I get it, it can be pure hell.

The family court system is not intended to manage our emotional lives. hard as it is to believe the guidelines are in place to promote a healthy,stable and nurturing environment for our children. They are only concerned with FACTS. And sometimes even the facts get swept under the carpet........

Like yourself, I was livid with the court system, how dare they tell me what was going to be best for my girls, I was their mother, and I could manage just fine. Actually, the anger and stress of the whole situation, made matters worse, I was not thinking or acting clearly, I was so damn angry, I believe I lost my focus, and instead of concentrating on the kids, I was fighting an imaginary battle in my head. I just could not understand why the court would not take into consideration my testimony, or my girls feelings, or the selfish actions of my ex husband. It was if the judge was deaf, he was not hearing, or listening, he had zero reaction to anything, guess it was because he had heard it so many times before. But I really thought our case was the exception, but no, we too were just a number, another statistic.

20 years later, I can admit today, i could have handled this differently. My anger and hostility led me down an ugly path. At the time, I knew I was right and refused to back down. Well being right means NOTHING to the family courts, we are in their sandbox, and we are expected to play by their rules.

It's kind of like the concept of "teach to the highest level" and the rest of the students will just naturally fall in rank, well we both know that doesn't happen, there will always be circumstances that prevents that from happening.

Maybe, just maybe the co parenting counseling will have a positive result. I would think if you go into this with the intention of this helping versus this is pure bullsh*t ((which it very well maybe) maybe something good can come of it.

Wishing you peace, friend.
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:29 AM
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We went to co-parenting counseling once and after AXH started screaming at me, we never went back. And counselor saw the whole thing, so you just have to do your best with the counselor. Let AH spin his yarn and do his tricks. The counselors see this daily.

Just keep yourself above reproach and let the facts bear themselves out. This counselor is going to be a witness. Don't vent your anger and frustration there. Be restrained and show your willingness to do "whatever the girls need".
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:30 AM
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WTBH, I am so sorry you are going through this tough times. During my divorce from XAW the Judge (Female) had no regard to the information on her drinking. XAW normal routine was to hit the bar just after work then drive home intoxicated then would drink two large bottles of wine each night. I had credit card statements showing between $500 to $1000 dollars a week in bar tabs and alcohol purchases. The judge simply did not care. Long story short I lost much financially including having to pay for a large portion of her new Lexus and surrendering half of my inheritance I had just received from my father a few month prior to the divorce. I was the parent that always did things with my kids and took them to their extra curricular activities and paid the vast majority of any of their expenses. Judge did not care. Now we are just a year past the divorce and fortunately my kids are late teens and they are now seeing the reality of the situation and are both with me 90% of the time. I get zero child support have lost so much financially. My dream of retiring early is gone. What I do have is peace of mind and the house is very peaceful now and the kids feel safe there. Alanon has helped me tremendously and going to open AA meetings to understand the disease has helped so much. The tools I acquired helped me diffuse or not get drawn into the merry go round. I do my very best every day and leave the rest to my Higher Power. Staying the high road has worked out as far as my relationship with my children. The money is just money and I will make more. My dignity, reputation and relationships are worth so much more than any amount of money. Best of luck and sending you hugs and prayers.
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:41 AM
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Dealing w a person w a personality disorder & addiction means common sense ways of dealing w him go out the window.

Unfortunately judges & therapists see legit fear for my girls safety as run of the mill divorcing couple anger & mark my words there will come a day someone gets hurt badly bc of his drinking & I only hope my kids aren't w him then.

Courts don't care about what's best for kids. They care about appearing fair & in my state that means handing out 50/50 custody. Best for kids? Hell no.

I'm tired of a system that cares ONLY when it is too late. Countless stories about DCYF intervening only after a child is dead or near dead at a parents hands in this backwoods idiotic state make me understand why parents run away w their kids & hide.

In many ways my kids are worse off now than they were when we were together.
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:01 PM
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wantstobe, upon back reading many of your threads I have to ask why not just leave with the kids? It's obvious your husband has influence with the court and police. Are you really expecting that to change?
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Old 11-06-2013, 08:08 PM
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I'm sorry, friend. I'm also dealing with a (criminal) court system that's giving the perpetrator so many chances that you have to wonder WTAF is going on here, who really is the abusive ass?

Hugs. Praying.
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Upsetnneedhelp View Post
wantstobe, upon back reading many of your threads I have to ask why not just leave with the kids? It's obvious your husband has influence with the court and police. Are you really expecting that to change?
That's a nice idea... But do you really think that my doing that is going to help? I will be arrested for keeping the girls from him since there is a court order that he gets time with them.

I am not expecting the court system to change but I am not about to go to jail and hand custody to him by acting like a vigilante. THAT will not help my kids at all.
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:47 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
That's a nice idea... But do you really think that my doing that is going to help? I will be arrested for keeping the girls from him since there is a court order that he gets time with them.

I am not expecting the court system to change but I am not about to go to jail and hand custody to him by acting like a vigilante. THAT will not help my kids at all.
You are right.
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