sunshine27

RAH and I are separated. I was on this happy-go-lucky train of thinking that he was going to attend meetings and go to therapy and then I talk to a friend. A friend of 20 + years. My friend tells me that when RAH and I visited last Spring that I was not myself. I was nervous and afraid to speak when RAH was around. Our marriage seemed to be one of a business deal to him (no romantic involvement btw, he's gay).

After the phone conversation I started reading up on verbal and emotional abuse. It all made sense. The alcohol has nothing to do with it actually. I have decided to leave RAH because of what I am learning. This is not easy, a little scary, and I don't know what path my life is going to take but I do know that I can't live this way anymore.

I'm posting because a lot of you don't understand the anger. With alcoholism, there actually shouldn't be a lot of anger from the abuser according to the book "Why Does He Do That," by Lundy Bancroft. The anger comes from a controlling abuser of emotions and psyche. I don't know what is going to happen, but I do hope that I am on a path of bringing joy and happiness back into my life. A little scared, very mad, but know that this is right.

Time for sunshine to be back daily!

Lyssy

I can completely relate. I am in exactly the same place.

A while back I did the free workshop on this site. It ws very helpful in getting my head straight. Wished it had done a little more for my heart - lol. You have to do it on a computer (vs. a mobile device).

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S

MissFixit

hi sunshine

i am sorry that you are going through this.

my very good older lady friend was married to a gay alcoholic and had two kids by him. the anger at her only increased over the 15 years they were together. it is forty years later now and he is still hateful to her. she, her therapist and i all believe that the alcoholism really blurred whatever lines they established about their marriage. you cant have a healthy relationship with an active a. throw into the mix a marriage that might be a little confusing and things can get explosive.

you will feel better.

spiderqueen

Sunshine, I applaud the steps you are taking to make a better, happier life for yourself.

As for the above quote, from everything I have read and learned, alcohol tends to amplify a person's innate temperament - if they are abusive and violent, the abuse gets worse. If they are melancholic and depressed, they sink deeper down. If they are paranoid and anxious, well, you get the idea.

My father was often emotionally and verbally abusive - and the most he ever had to drink was a glass of wine with dinner. I have often thought that if he had been an alcoholic, all that rage would have taken an even nastier turn...

Keep taking good care of yourself - you're doing great!