JanieJane, rootin for ya. :egypt:

Dear Janie, please consider contacting the domestic violence hot line---and just talk to them. You can get an appt. to see them in person, if you want. They have all the resources at their fingertips that you will surely be needing--whatever you decide to do. You will find them to be kind and understanding and very willing to help you. All in confidentiality.

Look at it this way---there is nothing for you to lose--and lots of support to gain. If nothing else--it would be information gathering.

We are rooting for you

dandylion

JanieJane, for me, not being able to see that I was being abused was part of the consequences of being abused. I lost sense of who I was and what my boundaries were and saw life through the lens of my now XAH's behavior and justifications for his abuse.

Have you found the stickys? They are permanent threads on topics of universal interest at the top of the Friends and Families Forum index page. Read the "What is Abuse?" sticky. My story is there, and the thread may help you understand that yes, you are being abused, and yes, you are in danger.

It would be really helpful for you to call the domestic violence hotline and get some advice on what to do if things become very bad very quickly.

We are all very supportive of you, and want to see you safe, first, then healed.

ShootingStar1

Thank you everyone for your responses. I feel very supported by you all and that's a darn good feeling.

I am reading the stickies, slowly one by one. I am trying to make it all sink in.

Ohhhhhhh. This is abuse.

Oh.

What have I done? I don't know how I could be so stupid.

Indeed.

No use focusing on self blame.

Abuse wouldn't occur if manipulation, guilt tripping, and all sorts of other things worked to mind-fsck us. Not the victims fault. It can and will be better.

Are you willing to make it so? Make yourself "number one"?

J

Janie--it is not your fault!! Please resist self blame. We must never blame the victim---especially do not blame your own self. Abuse messes, big time, with your emotions and state of mind.

Be good to yourself!!!

dandylion

I think a LOT of us feel this way once we start to see the reality of our situations, whether or not abuse is involved. I surely did!

But as someone here pointed out to me, the A in my life was a skillful liar and manipulator, while I am not. I did not question things, even when they didn't seem quite right, b/c he is a person I loved and trusted. This doesn't make me stupid b/c I would trust and believe the man I married. Normal people CAN trust and believe each other.

I would like to say the same to you--your trust of him and acceptance of an unacceptable situation does NOT make you stupid. It's not "shame on you" for being taken in but "shame on HIM" for abusing you this way! Your only mistake is in believing that you deserved this treatment, and I think that's starting to change now, isn't it....

Others know a lot more about DV resources and so on, and they have shared, but I just wanted to respond to your feeling of being stupid for "allowing" yourself to be abused. THAT IS NOT THE CASE! Not at all.

The sh&t hit the fan. He got caught in a web of lies. He hasn't paid the bills or the mortgage. He drank it all away. Then he tried to steal money from me and from the family business. It's all out in the open and he is panicking. Freaking out. He is beyond volatile right now. The kids are staying overnight somewhere safe - I took them right from school. I'm going home to get an overnight bag and my necessary medication. His parents have offered me their guest room and I've accepted. Unless a miracle happens, I'll be finding a place to rent tomorrow and moving ASAP.

Thank you all for your support. I promise to check in late tonight and I promise to be safe.

Please be extra careful, Janie!!!

Do you have a friend or relative that can accompany you? Please be careful!!

Yeah, when some people get sober their true personality emerges and that is when you find out that it wasn't the booze, they're just jerks.

You and your children will be in my prayers, Janie. Please take good care!

Sending you love and comfort and strength - Please be careful.

Please be safe and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please please keep us updated.

Just checking in to say I'm safe.

Smart move JanieJane. Glad to hear you are safe. How are you feeling?

I'm so glad you are OK. I've been worried.

As difficult as things are right now, it is a huge blessing that you and your kids are out of the house and safe.

Glad you are safe and hope that you continue to care for yourself and keeping the kids in a safe place! Take care of YOU!

Very relieved to hear that you are away and safe!!!!

How can we help now?

ShootingStar1