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Katchie 11-04-2013 05:59 PM

Home again drunk again
 
Back from my trip and my mommy responsibilities start back up immediately. After taking my son to his brain exercises and the family meeting up at the house to go eat dinner, AH doesn't go because he said he ate such a big lunch he's still full. I would believe that except its noticeable he's been drinking & dang it, I had planned on talking to him tonight about no longer driving the boys anywhere anymore!! How the crap can I verbally set boundaries if he won't show up SOBER!!!!

suki44883 11-04-2013 06:03 PM

You can set your boundaries whether or not you express them to him verbally. Go ahead and set your boundaries and if you can ever catch him in a sober way, you can then tell him.

Katchie 11-04-2013 06:39 PM


Originally Posted by suki44883 (Post 4275722)
You can set your boundaries whether or not you express them to him verbally. Go ahead and set your boundaries and if you can ever catch him in a sober way, you can then tell him.

I have done that. I've been gone since Friday early morning and I made arrangements that he wouldn't be driving them anywhere and I also made sure they stayed the night somewhere else... I kept them busy. At some point I have to tell AH verbally but he's not giving me that opportunity!!! It's very frustrating because I also have to make sure players in his team don't ride with him either.

JustAGirl1971 11-05-2013 05:00 AM

Can you put it in writing via text, email, or a letter? Tell him when he's drunk but also tell him where to find it in writing when he sobers up?

Katchie 11-05-2013 06:48 AM

I dont know. I've heard some say its only fair to him I let him know what I'm doing. It would just be so nice if he came home sober. I'd tell him in the morning, but my mornings are so busy fixing breakfast and lunches before the boys head off to school. By the time I'm finished he has left for work. When he comes home from work he is almost always drunk or has been drinking -- something I've finally come to terms with. If I must I'll just continue doing what I'm doing.

atalose 11-05-2013 07:22 AM

Well here's the thing about waiting for the alcoholic to be sober, short of him detoxing for a long period of time say 30 days or more. Your still trying to talk to a alcohol saturated brain, just because he hasn't consumed alcohol at the moment doesn't mean he's any where near sober.

At some point in time the nicey nice coddling of the alcoholic must take a back seat to the well being of your children and possible other children.

The importance of the issue lies with the importance you give it. Right now it appears excuses are taking center stage. You need to ask yourself WHY is it so important to speak this boundary to him nicely rather then just set it for yourself. Often in the early stages of learning about boundary we get confused on if they are for us and our peace of mind or little manipulations in hopes they will stop drinking and see the light.

FireSprite 11-05-2013 07:32 AM


Originally Posted by Katchie (Post 4276536)
I dont know. I've heard some say its only fair to him I let him know what I'm doing. It would just be so nice if he came home sober. I'd tell him in the morning, but my mornings are so busy fixing breakfast and lunches before the boys head off to school. By the time I'm finished he has left for work. When he comes home from work he is almost always drunk or has been drinking -- something I've finally come to terms with. If I must I'll just continue doing what I'm doing.

In this situation I would just go on with honoring my boundaries & feel like I've done my best effort to try & inform him of any changes that he should be aware of. There is a limit to how much effort I am required to put into dancing around someone else's restraints.

If/when it finally comes up (aka: He Notices) I would very calmly state that I had had to make this change in the interest of the children's safety & while I would have liked to have a discussion about it, your intoxication made it impossible to have a conversation while sober, the way it needed to be.

And walk away.

Drop the rope - leave the conversation - do not engage. He can get as upset or self-righteous as he wants all on his own.

hopeful4 11-05-2013 07:40 AM

Totally agree with Firesprite. If you try and engage into a conversation with someone who was drinking you will only frustrate yourself. I hear your frustration with it all but you are truly doing great. You are protecting your kids and doing what you need to do, even if he does not realize it...you do.

Blessings and Big Hugs!!

Katchie 11-05-2013 08:01 AM

Thank you ladies... I will continue to protect my kids and not worry about when he's drunk or not; I'll just do... If he notices and gives me an open door, I wil speak the truth of the matter. I'm just not going to worry another second about it, or at least try very hard not to, and be that single mom I already am and continue to strengthen me as an independent person. You know, this weekend I traveled 14 hours on my own to see my eldest son row. In the past I wouldn't have dared do such a thing on my own. I've visited the local community colleges before I left on my trip, too, looking into what I can do to increase possible job opportunites for myself should the need arise. And shoot, I may enter the workforce anyway just so I can start saving in my own personal account. It makes me feel like I'm leading a double life, so to speak, but alcoholism has driven me to think and behave differently than I every thought I would have to do. It is absolutely difficult reinventing ones self.

hopeful4 11-05-2013 08:06 AM

Your post gives me lots of hope today. Good for you, I hope you had a wonderful trip! Thank you for sharing and know not only are you helping yourself, it certainly helps me and I am sure others to hear you become stronger and stronger! Proud of you!

Redheadsusie 11-05-2013 09:01 AM

Super proud of you - I told myself I can't do it on my own - not strong enough- how can I take care of house etc pay for college mortgage etc but the reality is you and I have been doing it alone already - you a super Mom and whether he is there physically or not you have been doing the work and a great job at it. I am proud of you!


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