So confused
 

Hi, I am new, I have been dating an alcoholic for about 2 years. Just recently he lost the job he loved and was unemployed. Prior to that He had been sober for almost a year. He has never been abusive to me, other than the fact that whenever he slipped he broke my heart. He told me I was the first girl he ever gave drinking up for. I thought our love could help him survive. He said he didn't want to go to AA meetings because when he got out of them he wanted to head straight to the bar. Is that an excuse? Jus this last weekend I was out of town on business, and we talked every day. Saturday and Sunday rolled around and he was no where to be found. The next day I could tell he was hungover. But since I wasn't there I just begged him to tell me the truth. He said no he hadn't been drinking. I didn't believe him so just last wednesday I left a message on his machine telling him to get his things out of my house and never contact me again. Telling him how I can't take it anymore. Since I have done that I miss him and want him back...WHY????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

Little One

First let me say "Welcome", and I hope you will stay around for a while to share with us.

My heart breaks for you and I am sorry for your pain. If you read a number of the posts here, you will see you are not the only one who has gone through this heartache, and others here will share better with you than I can.

I can only say that, as painful as it may be, getting off the roller coaster ride you have been on is a healthy decision, and life will get better soon. It is so important that you look after you and your needs. As you will see here often...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Only he can do what has to be done to "fix" himself.

Hugs and Prayers

Ann

Little One,
Welcome first of all to this site! We are a big family who is in your shoes, there are some wonderful people here.

I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. I know what your going through, as does everyone here. My A is my spouse of 8 years. We also have a daughter together. We have split 3 different times.

The loved ones around the alcoholic/addict are very affected by their disease. The terminology used for our trouble is co-dependency. The effects can last on us even while not with the alcoholic, this is what I have learned about it.

I asked the same question, WHY? WHY? do I want this person in my life...the best analogy I have heard is when they are gone, its like the alcohlic looses the drink,or the addict looses the drug, something near and dear to them, whereas with us, we are too loosing something near to us, were gonna have those feelings, were going to want for them to be back. I have, lots of people here have too. You have to decide to step out of their lives, and into your own, and into your own recovery to begin to work on YOU. Take the focus off of him. It is hard, I struggle with it every day.

The comment you made about him saying you were the only person he ever quit drinking for...They cannot quit for anyone but themselves, he cannot want to change for you, no matter how good it sounds to you, he has to want it for HIM.

When you love somebody who is affected by the disease of addiction alcohol or drugs, it is a heartbreaking thing to watch. It is even more heartbreaking to realize you have to Let go of them, and Let God, (or your HP) take it from there.

Ok, I went a little bit on a rampage, hope I didnt overwhelm ya much, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> I think I need to tell myself these things more often.

Keep coming back~~ Were here..

Thank you so much for welcoming me. I just feel like there is no where to turn. I can't sleep, can't eat and my heart is racing all the time. I was there for him through the blower on his car, driving him around because he was embarrassed, telling him he is such a great person sober. I have called and left him messages at home telling him I love him. I know he is so angry with me because this is the 3rd time I left him because of drinking in the last month or so. I know I hurt him, but doesn't he see how he hurts me? Did I mention he is a manager in the restaurant industry. That is the last place he should be. Customers and employees always offering him drinks, why doesn't he get out? He says it is all he knows, that indurstry, but can't he see he needs to save himself? I just want to stop crying

Little One,
Hey again...Your last post reminds me of a reading in the Al-Anon book entitiled- One Day at a Time in Al-anon, but I can't find that reading at the moment, so I am going to post one of my favorites that has helped me. The reading I wanted to post talked about the fact that the alcoholic ALREADY feels and enormous sense of guilt about their actions, and for the most part they don't have to be reminded of that. In my experience with my A, he has not been emotionally there for me, meaning sometimes I want to slap sense into him and make him see what he is doing, 9 times out of ten though they do see it, keep in mind this is a disease that you did not cause him to have.

Here is the reading, it comes from a wonderful book you can get at the live Al-anon meetings, it has VERY insightful daily readings. If you can try to get to one, it can help alot, just like coming here.

August 3 reading from One Day at a time in Al-anon.

Sometimes I find myself so busy wondering what someone else is doing, and where and why, that my own thoughts create turmoil inside me. When this happens, I know I'm a candidate for a rude awakening!
I must not forget that my first obligation is to work out changes in my own thinking patterns. My progress depends on making these changes, and so does improvement I long for in the circumstances of my life.

Todays Reminder~ I can change nothing but myself. Do I need changing? If things are going wrong-or seem to be-maybe its because of the way I'm reacting to them. If I accept the fact that the principal source of my unhappiness is in me, I'll be giving myself a good reason to do something about me. It isn't easy~~ but the rewards are beyond reckoning!!

Keep coming here, it helps!

Welcome,

First, your "why's" can be answered through education about the family disease of alcoholism and at Al Anon meetings. You can find comfort and help in how to take care of youself and remain calm and happy during a dfficult time.

And the other comment I wanted to make is about a sober person I know, in the program, who is a bar owner and remains sober...so if they want it bad enough thy can have it no matter what the occupation. If he golfs...someone is there to buy a round...or if he plays softball, or goes to a wedding or reunion. My only point here is not to concern yourself too much with the nature of his job. Alcohol is around all of us a good part of the time and it does not make the majority of us alcoholics...it is a disease.

I just confirmed that he is drinking through a friend. I keep leaving him messages telling him I love him, and want to help. He isn't returning my calls. I talk to his mother on a daily basis, she knows everything about her son, his patterns etc. She is just as worried and mad as me. Now he is not even returning her calls. He asked her why do I keep leaving messages telling him I love him. How it is hurting him. Do I stop calling him? Do I stop trying to get through?

Welcome LittleOne!!!

There are alot of wonderful and caring people here and I hope you will find comfort in posting here just as much as I do. Read some of the other post and you'll learn that most of us here definitely understand.

First, you must realize that he can't quit drinking for YOU. He has to want to stop for HIMSELF. It doesn't matter what kind of job he has, if he wants to really quit drinking - he will.

We have an addition too - we're addicted to the alcoholic. That's why it's so hard for us to let go. It's why we always want to fix them, change them. Once we get sucked in it's soooo hard to get out.

My A is my spouse of 9 years (have been separated for almost 2 years and have 3 children). We still love each other very much. For me, I couldn't live with the constant roller coaster anymore and I wanted so much more for my children. My heart and brain are in daily battles. After years of disappointment and heartache I've finally realized that I too have a disease and I'm learning about alcoholism.

Coming here has really helped me and I look forward to talking to these fine people every day. Read as much as you can on addiction. It will help you to understand that you can't control it amoung other things.

Take Care

Love, Galnva

Bonbon -

I'm so proud of you. It sounds like you're doing so much better and I think it's wonderful that you're doing the daily readings. You're terrific!!!
Thanks

HI;
My A, and soon to be X-husband sounds very much like your A. He was a kind loving person. He had an Outside Sales job which required him to take customers out and of course drink (his 3rd DUI which landed him in jail, he crashed his company car into a pole). I knew I couldn't live with the fear of everytime he goes out with his customers whether he would crash, or get a DUI, or g-d only knows! All trust was breeched by his lying that he hadn't drank (I actually thought I was crazy for smelling it until of course I found a bottle, or receipt, or caught him in the act). There was no trust left for me. It was a rollercoaster. My A always drank alot but I wasn't familiar with the disease and didn't recognize signs of alcoholism. Once he "went off the deep end", we were married and had a home/mortgage (fortunately no children). Do you want this for your life? You need to make decisions for YOUR well being. I know it's easier said than done but I'm speaking from someone who lost their soul-mate/husband, and their home in the process. I made the healthy decision to save myself.
Yes, sometimes I have regrets, I went to see him in jail and he wasn't the same person. And quite clearly not in recovery. And that validated my decision to get out. Now I can move forward again.
It sounds like you've given him alot of chances. He needs to make the decision for recovery himself - you have no control over that, nor did you cause him to drink. An alcoholic will look for any excuse.

....if I was calling him and he wasn't returning my calls I would probably stop leaving messages. One would be plenty...he knows how you feel...my A avoids us when things are not going well.

Hi Little One,
Like you, I am very new to this site. Coming here everyday has helped in a way that I can not explain. I work two jobs and go to school so I am only able to attend 1 (if that) Al-Anon meeting a week (I went to my first Al-Anon meeting on 5/21). This sight has come to be my daily reprieve. You will learn you are not alone and that this secret you hold within you has a safe haven to come to. You can cry, laugh, yell, share, vent to these woman and men and they will NEVER judge or tell you what to do. They just hold your hand and guide you back to sanity. At least that is what I have experienced since coming here and hopfully you will learn to trust this site as I have.
A little back ground about my situation. Like you, I was with my A (boyfriend) for 2 years. The first year he was sober and life was perfect with us. Then he started drinking and life on my personal roller coaster began. On April 9th, I left my A after one long year of HELL!! I couldn't do it anymore, I was beyond emotions. I stopped protecting him and let life slap him in the face (however, I still did call and tell him I missed him and loved him...thinking that would make him stop drinking). The first 1 1/2 weeks I was gone he drank himself almost to death. I would sneak over to our apartment in the middle of the night to make sure he was drowning in his on vomit. Then on April 18th I got a phone call from HIM saying HE checked himself into a 30 day program that was out of state. He now has 48 days and instead of coming back to Cali, he stayed and entered an IOP program.
You see (after this really long post), no one can tell you what the future holds and what to do. You need to follow your head (not your heart that will lead you right back to him). I know it is hard but you need to focus on YOU right now. I would suggest going (and take his mother) to Al-Anon meetings and start working the 12 step program. They can give you a lot of stregnth you didn't know you had. Hang in there. This is the hardest part knowing when to stay or walk away. Do what is best for YOU!! We're here for you and keep posting!!!! Also, remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
B

Brooker, your situation is almost identical. I have to stop calling him, and I will. I am getting nothing from it. He has 3 dui's one of them from running into two cop cars with cops in them. If he gets another one he will go away for years. The weird thing is if he was drunk and driving and killed someone, he would probably kill himself....he would never want to hurt anyone, yet everyone who loves him he keeps causing so much pain..I know the guilt is eating him up, but the alcohol is numbing the pain. His mom is his best friend and now he is not returning her phone calls. she is worried sick about him and I suggested she come with me to a meeting. I hope to make it to one tonight.

Little One,
I sent you a private message.
B

his mother keeps calling me...she knows I meant sobriety to him...she keeps telling me to give him time. that he told her today he is going to call me in a few days. Maybe he will give me closer, but what if he wants to try to make this work. I told her I love her and that I can't keep talking to her, it breaks my heart to hear his name. My friends all want to set me up with someone else, what if they are as bad as him or worse....??? I wish I walked away a long time ago, this pain would not be as bad

Brooker,
I sent you a private message.