boundary advice not alcohol related
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boundary advice not alcohol related
hi
i am five years out of my codie relationship with my exa. thank god! settled in a relationship with a stable normal person. we live together but keep his old apartment filled with our storage junk and a guest bedroom for when we have out of town guests. the apt is owned by his dad but we pay the rent monthly and it is nice having the extra space.
the problem is not totally mine but is/will be effecting me. his sister divorced two years ago from a total loser and active a. good thing right? yes. since then she uses their dad (mom passed away) to support her finacially and to take care of her small kids. the dad is completely wrapped around her finger and seems to give in to his sisters demands. (not my problem, doesnt affect me although i see the codie dynamic. my mouth stays shut.) the sister has been online dating, found another poor choice who she has decided to convince to move to our town ( he lives 2 hours away). again this doesnt affect me. none of my business.
however, the new poor choice has no money for housing and needs a place to stay until he supposedly starts a new job here and can afford a place for himself. her girls live w her so i assume they thought it inappropriate for him to live w her. she approached her brother (my significant other) about subleting our storage/ extra guestroom apt. he doesnt want to dot and neither do i so we agreed not to sublet as we like having it available. his sister went to their dad and he has told us to let her bf sublet it for a few months, no discussion against our wishes.
this is the point at which i am now affected. i completely stay away from their family dynamics but this pisses me off. we can not use it over the holidays now for my/our guests and i dont know what to say if anything before this guy moves in although it seems my/our voices arent heard or respected.
advice?
i am five years out of my codie relationship with my exa. thank god! settled in a relationship with a stable normal person. we live together but keep his old apartment filled with our storage junk and a guest bedroom for when we have out of town guests. the apt is owned by his dad but we pay the rent monthly and it is nice having the extra space.
the problem is not totally mine but is/will be effecting me. his sister divorced two years ago from a total loser and active a. good thing right? yes. since then she uses their dad (mom passed away) to support her finacially and to take care of her small kids. the dad is completely wrapped around her finger and seems to give in to his sisters demands. (not my problem, doesnt affect me although i see the codie dynamic. my mouth stays shut.) the sister has been online dating, found another poor choice who she has decided to convince to move to our town ( he lives 2 hours away). again this doesnt affect me. none of my business.
however, the new poor choice has no money for housing and needs a place to stay until he supposedly starts a new job here and can afford a place for himself. her girls live w her so i assume they thought it inappropriate for him to live w her. she approached her brother (my significant other) about subleting our storage/ extra guestroom apt. he doesnt want to dot and neither do i so we agreed not to sublet as we like having it available. his sister went to their dad and he has told us to let her bf sublet it for a few months, no discussion against our wishes.
this is the point at which i am now affected. i completely stay away from their family dynamics but this pisses me off. we can not use it over the holidays now for my/our guests and i dont know what to say if anything before this guy moves in although it seems my/our voices arent heard or respected.
advice?
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Seems pretty simple. YOU are paying the rent. In what other situation could a landlord tell you you had to sublet the apartment YOU pay rent for to someone who you don't choose to sublet to? He may own the building, but you are paying to rent that apartment. This would give you the same rights as any other renter, I believe.
I'd say to tell him that as long as you are, in fact, paying rent, you will make the decision to sublet or not. If he doesn't go for that, I'd stop paying rent and move my stuff out of there. If you strongly feel that you want to continue to have a separate apartment, go rent one from someone who will not expect you to do anything but pay the rent on time and keep things clean, like a normal renter/landlord situation would require.
I'd say to tell him that as long as you are, in fact, paying rent, you will make the decision to sublet or not. If he doesn't go for that, I'd stop paying rent and move my stuff out of there. If you strongly feel that you want to continue to have a separate apartment, go rent one from someone who will not expect you to do anything but pay the rent on time and keep things clean, like a normal renter/landlord situation would require.
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thanks honeypig. you are right about renters rights if it was a regular lease. since its his dad there is no lease, he always did the right thing about paying the agreed rent and now we do the right thing paying rent without a lease. his father owns the house so it is his call on what to do. he is talking w his dad tomorrow. we decided that if his father feels this strongly about providing a roof for this grown man, then we will move out our things and his dad can rent to him without us as the middlemen. all of the utilities are in my bf's name and this new guy would be agrreing to pay us back after bills come. we dont know him and are uncomfortable with this arrangement so we are out.
it is surprising to me the level of codependant behavior their dad is showing or how he casually passes this responsibility to us. had it not been for my time in al anon, i would not be able to articulate it now.
it is surprising to me the level of codependant behavior their dad is showing or how he casually passes this responsibility to us. had it not been for my time in al anon, i would not be able to articulate it now.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit 
it is surprising to me the level of codependant behavior their dad is showing or how he casually passes this responsibility to us. had it not been for my time in al anon, i would not be able to articulate it now.
Hope things go smoothly and quickly w/the move. Who knows, maybe this will be an opportunity to sort thru some of the "stuff" stored there and make decisions about what is really useful and what can be sold/given away/donated. I've been doing a fair amount of that myself lately, and it feels good to travel a little lighter.
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I would point out the financial instability and let him know that all utilities and anything in your name will be removed and you will be finding another space, NEVER TO RETURN. In other words, when rent is not paid and there are problems, they become his problems, not yours as you will have already moved on.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Seems pretty simple. YOU are paying the rent. In what other situation could a landlord tell you you had to sublet the apartment YOU pay rent for to someone who you don't choose to sublet to? He may own the building, but you are paying to rent that apartment. This would give you the same rights as any other renter, I believe.
I'd say to tell him that as long as you are, in fact, paying rent, you will make the decision to sublet or not. If he doesn't go for that, I'd stop paying rent and move my stuff out of there. If you strongly feel that you want to continue to have a separate apartment, go rent one from someone who will not expect you to do anything but pay the rent on time and keep things clean, like a normal renter/landlord situation would require.
I'd say to tell him that as long as you are, in fact, paying rent, you will make the decision to sublet or not. If he doesn't go for that, I'd stop paying rent and move my stuff out of there. If you strongly feel that you want to continue to have a separate apartment, go rent one from someone who will not expect you to do anything but pay the rent on time and keep things clean, like a normal renter/landlord situation would require.
Originally Posted by MissFixit
thanks honeypig. you are right about renters rights if it was a regular lease. since its his dad there is no lease, he always did the right thing about paying the agreed rent and now we do the right thing paying rent without a lease. his father owns the house so it is his call on what to do. he is talking w his dad tomorrow. we decided that if his father feels this strongly about providing a roof for this grown man, then we will move out our things and his dad can rent to him without us as the middlemen. all of the utilities are in my bf's name and this new guy would be agrreing to pay us back after bills come. we dont know him and are uncomfortable with this arrangement so we are out.
it is surprising to me the level of codependant behavior their dad is showing or how he casually passes this responsibility to us. had it not been for my time in al anon, i would not be able to articulate it now.
it is surprising to me the level of codependant behavior their dad is showing or how he casually passes this responsibility to us. had it not been for my time in al anon, i would not be able to articulate it now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Good lord!
I have a lot of opinions on this one. How does anyone just move to a new town when they have no job and no money. Wouldn't he just save up until he can work something out on his own? Why would your father in law even want a stranger in his property? Why would he choose random guy over the wishes of his son and wife?
How old is his sister and when is she going to grow up??!!!
I have a lot of opinions on this one. How does anyone just move to a new town when they have no job and no money. Wouldn't he just save up until he can work something out on his own? Why would your father in law even want a stranger in his property? Why would he choose random guy over the wishes of his son and wife?
How old is his sister and when is she going to grow up??!!!
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You're doing a great job with a difficult situation! I learned a very important lesson in a family recovery program when my A was in treatment: "No" is a complete sentence. If we're not comfortable with something we can simply say no. We don't have to explain, justify, rationalize, etc. Just "No" is enough.
So you're saying "No" to this situation. You don't have to explain any further to family. Find out the new guys move day, have the utilities turned off before that and your stuff out. Done. They can all handle it from there. In hindsight, you may actually realize it was good to clean out and start fresh.
So you're saying "No" to this situation. You don't have to explain any further to family. Find out the new guys move day, have the utilities turned off before that and your stuff out. Done. They can all handle it from there. In hindsight, you may actually realize it was good to clean out and start fresh.
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hi again
wouldnt it be great if life went according to our plans?
bf spoke to his dad last night about our concerns and desires to keep away from whatever is going w new guy. his father became upset and immediately said it would only be for 2 months (yeah right) and he would accept whatever financial fallout might occur w random new guy. what? why? because my bf's sister wants to remarry and this umemployed online dating man has shown interest in proposing. their father says he want to help his daughter and new guy (in his 40's) has potential (sure. where have i heard about someones potential being enough to marry them or get engaged??? hummmm. me circe 2006.).
because his father was upset by our mentioning reality and he said it would be for two months and he takes financial responsibilty we are going along with sublet over holidays. my bf doesnt want to see his father upset and i dont want bf upset, so we are all knowingly enabling two forty-something umemployed and entitled potential fiances.
steelman, i totally know and agree w your thoughts about this. if it was my blood relatives i would be more up front but in law territory is different for me. aghhhhh!
wouldnt it be great if life went according to our plans?
bf spoke to his dad last night about our concerns and desires to keep away from whatever is going w new guy. his father became upset and immediately said it would only be for 2 months (yeah right) and he would accept whatever financial fallout might occur w random new guy. what? why? because my bf's sister wants to remarry and this umemployed online dating man has shown interest in proposing. their father says he want to help his daughter and new guy (in his 40's) has potential (sure. where have i heard about someones potential being enough to marry them or get engaged??? hummmm. me circe 2006.).
because his father was upset by our mentioning reality and he said it would be for two months and he takes financial responsibilty we are going along with sublet over holidays. my bf doesnt want to see his father upset and i dont want bf upset, so we are all knowingly enabling two forty-something umemployed and entitled potential fiances.
steelman, i totally know and agree w your thoughts about this. if it was my blood relatives i would be more up front but in law territory is different for me. aghhhhh!
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So waitwaitwait: You are subletting a room in your apartment? For two months? So you'll have this total stranger having access to everything from your bank statements to your underwear drawer? And your bf is agreeing to this because he doesn't want to upset his father?
I'm an old fart but I think this is a good opportunity to discuss moving to an apartment where the landlord can't use emotional blackmail to make you put your life and safety on the line.
I'm an old fart but I think this is a good opportunity to discuss moving to an apartment where the landlord can't use emotional blackmail to make you put your life and safety on the line.
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hi lillamy,
sort of. we own a house downtown that we live in. it is small, so we kept his old apartment to serve as his home office/our storage space/a guest apt/beach crashpad (it is 1 mile from ocean and great for after beach time). bf's dad owns this house (duplex) and we rent from him (bf rented before i was in picture, now we rent it).
dad wants to make spoiled daughter happy, so we are being told to go along w it. guy is moving in next week, so bf is collecting his personal items from there now.
their dad being upset surprised my bf so he backed down and agreed to make his father not upset. i am trying not to be a jerk and not put bf in middle but i am very bothered by this just being thrown to bf/me.
sort of. we own a house downtown that we live in. it is small, so we kept his old apartment to serve as his home office/our storage space/a guest apt/beach crashpad (it is 1 mile from ocean and great for after beach time). bf's dad owns this house (duplex) and we rent from him (bf rented before i was in picture, now we rent it).
dad wants to make spoiled daughter happy, so we are being told to go along w it. guy is moving in next week, so bf is collecting his personal items from there now.
their dad being upset surprised my bf so he backed down and agreed to make his father not upset. i am trying not to be a jerk and not put bf in middle but i am very bothered by this just being thrown to bf/me.
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I'm sorry if I sounded rude, I didn't mean to -- to me it just sounded like such a nightmarish situation to be in; I thought he was actually going to be in YOUR apartment in a spare room. That would have been horrid! 
As it is, yeah, it's far from ideal but not quite the nightmare I envisioned...
And I hear you about inlaw families. I swear they're all crazy in one way or another....
As it is, yeah, it's far from ideal but not quite the nightmare I envisioned...
And I hear you about inlaw families. I swear they're all crazy in one way or another....
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If bf's dad is upset, that's okay. You can have your boundaries, and it's okay for people to have their reactions. Doesn't have to change your plans.
You've made your decision. If it all goes bad, you really can't be upset with anyone at this point. You made the choice to participate in a bad situation. I would suggest that you guys think about getting out from this apt all together. No need to rent when there is emotional blackmail involved. Find something else, or get rid of stuff!
You've made your decision. If it all goes bad, you really can't be upset with anyone at this point. You made the choice to participate in a bad situation. I would suggest that you guys think about getting out from this apt all together. No need to rent when there is emotional blackmail involved. Find something else, or get rid of stuff!
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hi recovering2
i am pretty sure it will go bad at some point and i agree we are setting ourselves up for this. if it was me alone i would not keep apt given situation but bf wants to please his dad. i dont know what to do in a joint situation where another person and their family is involved. stay single people it is easier!
i am pretty sure it will go bad at some point and i agree we are setting ourselves up for this. if it was me alone i would not keep apt given situation but bf wants to please his dad. i dont know what to do in a joint situation where another person and their family is involved. stay single people it is easier!
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