badleybent

Should I call my wife out when she's lying to me about drinking, or just go along with it? She has a few bottles of vodka "hidden" around the house. She's been talking about how great she's been doing at not drinking while she's drinking. It's amazing how dumb she thinks I am.

akalacha

I suppose you could call her out, but what good would it do? Maybe it would give you some satisfaction to let her know she's not fooling you.
But unless she's ready to quit drinking it won't change anything. Well, yes it will-she'll find new hiding places.

Bubovski

Welcome to the forum.
I suggest you call her out, if this can be done peacefully.
Hidden vodka bottles indicate a problem and a need for help.

Twinings

When I was called out, I felt awful, sobered up for a week or 2 then found new hiding places and new techniques for fresh breath. Calling her out may help temporarily or it may push her deeper into lies and manipulation. I doubt it will be enough to get her to sober up if she's not ready to do it for herself yet.

jacrazz

I used to call my XABF out when ever I knew he was high/drunk and all it did was avoid me when he was using/drinking bc he knew I couldn't be fooled....he us still up to his shenanigans

badleybent

Thanks for your opinions. I found this site a couple of nights ago, and boy, have I ever been depressed since I have!!! Lol. I wasn't prepared for the realization that this could be my life. For years, I've always thought this would be behind us in a matter of weeks - months at the worst!! But I guess things really probably aren't going to change anytime soon so I will need to start to arm myself with some good information and strategies on how to cope.

SingledadPolo73

Feeling your pain.... I am new here too but the info and people here are amazing. I lurked a bit until I finally opened up and logged in.
If wifey is lying and hiding, then all you have to do is read a few threads to predict what will happen next. If you have kids, then you need to focus on them, if not then on yourself.
Please go through the site and post your feelings...it will help

NWGRITS

Welcome, bb. Unfortunately, as you are learning, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless the A *wants* treatment, there's nowhere to go but down. An A will drag you into the depths of hell if you let them. My mother has been drinking for over 30 years, so I've seen it all. Three trips to rehab, nearly killing herself falling down the stairs and landing on a wood floor, being so incapacitated she couldn't speak or move. Believe me, I called her out more than enough times. I told her we weren't stupid, and she would either get indignant and give me the toddler scowl, or say, "I know" and go about her business. It might make things better for a day or two, but it won't stop her.

The big question here is what are you doing for yourself? How are you taking care of YOU? Are you going to Al-Anon or seeing a counselor who specializes in addiction? It's imperative that you take care of yourself and don't spend all your time fussing over your wife.

HopefulinFLA

I would call her out. I'm sure it won't change much of anything, but playing along with her silly game seems something like enabling. Call it like it is.

badleybent

I haven't been to any al-anon meetings yet. I tried to go to one last week but found myself in a aa meeting so I got up and walked out (I found out later that al-anon met in another part of the building at the same time). No counseling yet because I thought I could handle this alone. I can't. I finally realized that last week after a loooong time of being a codependent enabler.

healthyagain

I've called my husband out when I caught him lying. It did not help, just caused a big fight. So I gave up on his morning drinking (when it is especially sneaky) and started working on detachment. If they wanna drink, they will keep drinking. Your presence is irrelevant.

Leana

Call her out. She's lying to herself and to you. It won't make her stop drinking but you can stress to her that denial and lying won't be part of the drinking equation any longer.

honeypig

Welcome, badleybent. Glad you found SR and have been reading here. Learning what you're up against is really key. All of us have wasted time and energy trying to control our A's and their drinking. All of us have made the mistake of trying to communicate w/our A's as if they were rational, normal people instead of addicts who simply don't have the same priorities or thought processes. They CAN get sober, but WE can't make it happen.

I would agree w/those who say not to play along w/the fiction that she's not drinking when you know she is. To me, it would simply be a statement of a fact, an assertion that you are NOT going along w/her fantasy world. As others have also said, you can't expect this act on your part to make her get sober, but I don't get the feeling that that's what you're looking for--you simply don't want to play dumb any more. To me, that's healthy.

If you've been reading here for a while, you've probably already seen this thread from the stickies at the top of the page, but just in case you missed it: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'm also very, very glad you're checking into Alanon. Sorry you bumbled into the wrong meeting! Also bear in mind that different meetings will have different flavors. You may luck into one right away, or it might take you several trials of different places/days to find one where you really feel comfortable w/the vibe. Either way, I don't think you'll regret giving it a go. I've found that a combination of SR and Alanon works really well, using each for its particular strong points.

Again, welcome to SR! As you learn more and get more support for yourself, you'll start to see your path ahead of you and know that you have the strength to follow it.

badleybent

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I have been trudging along, alone, believing no one could possibly have a clue what my life is really like. Outside appearances are deceiving. No one around me could possibly know the crazy life I hide from them. It's nice to know there is someplace I can come to ask questions and get a response from real people who are experiencing - or have experienced - something very similar to what I'm going through. I appreciate any/all advice offered. I will consider and weigh all of your suggestions on how best to navigate my own course.

As far as the lying about the drinking goes, it bothers me more than the drinking itself sometimes. I'm going to empty the vodka out of a couple of her hidden bottles and replace the liquid with something else that will surprise the crap out of her. Any suggestions?

thislonelygirl

my ah has done this SOOOO MANY TIMES!! he'll walk around all high and mighty...im doing this and im doing that and im only in a bad mood because im sober , i havent had a drink. hello! when you live with an alcoholic (aka a loon) its pretty obvious what you've got.
or lmao..... (YES THIS HAPPENED!) ah was in the shower and i heard a soda can pop out of instinct i ran in there...(not fooling me!) pull back the shower curtain and hes pouring a can of soda in a glass while IN THE SHOWER!! i give him this look and he says "i was just really thirsty..what?" as if thats normal in the least. I took the glass smelled it gave him another look and poured it in the sink. he then says "fine with me, i don't need it. you did me a favor" ugh huh yea.

They think we are stupid , obviously alcohol has warped their brains ...i bet if we had their fingerprints,pictures,video and dna as evidence they would still deny it lol

i would confront her....but its up to you. ive done both. Some days iv'e said w.e not in the mood to make a stink and other's i feel like rubbing his nose in it like a dog. lol

by the way i had a bottle grave yard under our bed. not kidding!! tons!

atalose

Again that's not going to do anything except make her angry. Did you have to search and snoop out the hidden bottles? If your dire need to confront her about the hidden bottles is overwhelming you then please try and find an alanon meeting.

I once was looking for an extension cord snd came across a bottle of pills, I left the pills out on the kitchen counter and when he saw them accused me of snooping. I simply told him I came across them when I was looking for the extension cord snd left it at that. Hours later he had all kinds of excuses, forgot he hide them awhile ago, he going to flush them, ect. Ect.

He simply found another hiding place. And when he was in his downward spiral moods it was used over snd over again against me that I was a snoop and that I was sneaky.

You know what you know and nothing you do or say is going to change her until she wants to change herself.

BoxinRotz

Some people scoff at this but I'll tell ya, when I find a bottle and I'm in the midst of a lying a-hole... that bottle gets the cap twisted off it and I will spray the walls, floors, tv, cabinets, couch, bed you name it, down with it right in front of him while saying: No!!! I'm not drinking!!! I don't have a bottle!!! I don't play the *dumb game*. I'm not an idiot but I may be crazy!

But as for your question... I always wanted to refill a bottle with white vinegar. LMAO

Upsetnneedhelp

I would dump the bottles out in front of her just to let her know that you know whats going on. Of course, she will just go racing back to the store to refill the supply.

pmv

yeah, and then she'll start thinking about the single life, thats what I would do

suki44883

I don't think there's any reason to be so dramatic about it by putting something else in the bottles. That's just playing games and alcoholism is not a game. After all, she is an adult and has a right to drink herself silly if she wants to. On the other hand, you have the right to live without addiction in your home.

What I would do is simply let her know that you've found her stashes, so she isn't fooling anyone. Let her know that you will no longer live with it (if that is how you truly feel), and then allow her to decide which is more important...drinking or your marriage. You will have your answer in a short time and then you can act accordingly.