I am back.............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I am back.............
Where has the last 7 months gone. Lots of it has been good - My business is doing well- I can support myself and am grateful- actually I always have supported myself in this marriage though - I rescued a Golden Doodle after my Greyhound died- she found me really and we take care of each other. So lucky to have each other. My youngest son left for college in August - 3rd year so proud of him- now I am an empty nester - well kind of. AH started staying here some- after about 6 months of being alone I cave - of course he was on good behavior at first - drinking cut back- said weed was stopped - but the anger bursts came back and I overlooked them- the drunken fits led to 7 pm bed times but hey I could watch my shows so I over looked them. His anger was better he has not called me names - so being the pathetic low self esteem person I am - I was grateful - I actually begged him to come home some nights when he would leave me - he always says he will leave if I question him - he knows I have abandonment issues - nice huh- but hey I put up with it. He never has moved back in as he does not want to pay any bills so I support our house 100% - he comes and goes as he pleases - he controls the tv - he drinks when he wants - his stays at his parents when I call him out on something - it is 4 houses down- she does his wash - babies him- it is so ****** up I accept this life but I have done this for 13 years. 13 ******* years. I am not allowed at his parents - it is a joke in the neighborhood - I can't use the dock to get to my boat - we all alugh but it is really super ****** up- I must think I deserve this and nothing better. I so long to have someone to talk normal with - to do something without drinking- anything - tonight he asked my son and me to dinner so we went. He came down drinking beer out of sippy cup with a straw- I should have known then- my son saw it and didn't want to go but he did for me - of course it turned out badly- he spilled his beer at dinner - ok spills happen- but his new thing is he insists on talking 24/7 about politics - to strangers to anyone- and he gets wild - wild - angry wild- I told him I don't want to discuss it period. On the way to dinner he said no politics tonight - we said great. Well - he could not help it - at dinner he started in on Obamacare - and I said not talking about that and brought up basketball- he kept going- my son said hey I thought you were not gonna talk about that - he said do you think you are my boss? then he would not talk- quit eating- walked to car without us - silent on 20 minute ride - got home - came inside and then said I am going to my Moms and left - texted me he was not coming here tonight to sleep. WTF? As my son said I stay on this ride - I am not strong enough to leave - made me sad for me. Someone please tell me why I can't tell this sad alcoholic depressed self centered 50 year old baby I am done. I say I love him and I think I do - but I have to love myself - I am pissing my life away and I want so much out of life. I am 49 and he says I am old but I hope to have lots of life left. Thanks again
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
You are right that you think you don't deserve better. Maybe it's time to find out why you think that!
I'm willing to bet it started with your childhood and neglect there...it does for most if not all of us. I think at some point we really have to commit to digging deep and finding out the real answers about...ourselves!
Therapy anyone?
I found an addiction counselor and I am going to call her and see if she also treats the spouses.
The bright side for today is that his mommy that babies him can watch him snort and snore and choke in his passed out state until he sleeps it off...you get some peace and quiet in your home tonight...I hope you can enjoy it with your sweet and sober dog.
Mine's passed out himself. He made dinner and wasn't able to walk straight carrying his plate. Then he dumped part of it on the floor and his clothes. He never rants about politics--I do! But he sure can come up with some completely incoherent jibberish, and he did tonight.
I always try to grab an extra napkin because when he's been drinking I know at dinner at some point I am going to have to hand it to him to clean up whatever.
I left and came back too Susie...and I think it's progressing and getting worse...
I'm a few months past 50. I'd really like to be able to enjoy nature, get out and swim, take hikes...his health is so neglected that can never happen unless things change.
I'm willing to bet it started with your childhood and neglect there...it does for most if not all of us. I think at some point we really have to commit to digging deep and finding out the real answers about...ourselves!
Therapy anyone?
I found an addiction counselor and I am going to call her and see if she also treats the spouses.
The bright side for today is that his mommy that babies him can watch him snort and snore and choke in his passed out state until he sleeps it off...you get some peace and quiet in your home tonight...I hope you can enjoy it with your sweet and sober dog.
Mine's passed out himself. He made dinner and wasn't able to walk straight carrying his plate. Then he dumped part of it on the floor and his clothes. He never rants about politics--I do! But he sure can come up with some completely incoherent jibberish, and he did tonight.
I always try to grab an extra napkin because when he's been drinking I know at dinner at some point I am going to have to hand it to him to clean up whatever.
I left and came back too Susie...and I think it's progressing and getting worse...
I'm a few months past 50. I'd really like to be able to enjoy nature, get out and swim, take hikes...his health is so neglected that can never happen unless things change.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
Hi Susie; That's one lovely GoldenDoodle you have there.
I'm sorry your situation is so tough. Having the parents so close sounds like a big problem.
Now that youngest son has gone to college, what about selling the house and moving somewhere else?
I am 49 too and I don't feel old. Maybe he says that so you will put up with his BS, what do you think? I think BlueSkies has a point about self-esteem getting damaged
in childhood. But we can get past it when we are ready to.
Since you are ready for more out of life, what are some small steps you can take to start making that happen? The counseling might be a good starting point. What
have you thought about doing that you could do now for yourself?
I'm sorry your situation is so tough. Having the parents so close sounds like a big problem.
Now that youngest son has gone to college, what about selling the house and moving somewhere else?
I am 49 too and I don't feel old. Maybe he says that so you will put up with his BS, what do you think? I think BlueSkies has a point about self-esteem getting damaged
in childhood. But we can get past it when we are ready to.
Since you are ready for more out of life, what are some small steps you can take to start making that happen? The counseling might be a good starting point. What
have you thought about doing that you could do now for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am pissing my life away and I want so much out of life. (redheadedsusie)
^^^This is where I would start.^^^^^^
YOU have to want better for you. I am sorry to say, as long as you continue to ALLOW him to suck the life right out of you, he WILL.
Your current relationship with him is perfect for him. He has ZERO CONSEQUENCES for his actions. He makes an ugly mess at your house, and runs 4 houses down, home to mommy.
You are a 49 year old woman, with a successful business and a means of supporting yourself, be proud of your accomplishments. You certainly deserve a partner who loves and respects your efforts.
Your kids are off at college, be proud.
It really is YOUR time to shine.
All I know for sure, only you can decide when enough is enough.
I am 52. Two years out and away from a troubled relationship with an active alkie, and I am here to say, I am doing just fine, My only regret, is that I did not end the madness sooner.
I understand it's your life, and it has to be on your terms. I understand you had a rough childhood. (forgive me if I have you confused with someone else) but there comes a point where you must decide if you are going to allow the past to define you . You are no longer that child. You are a strong woman, you my friend are a survivor, be brave, be proud, and embrace yourself. leave the past there, you no longer live there.
May I ask what you are fearing here, friend ?
^^^This is where I would start.^^^^^^
YOU have to want better for you. I am sorry to say, as long as you continue to ALLOW him to suck the life right out of you, he WILL.
Your current relationship with him is perfect for him. He has ZERO CONSEQUENCES for his actions. He makes an ugly mess at your house, and runs 4 houses down, home to mommy.
You are a 49 year old woman, with a successful business and a means of supporting yourself, be proud of your accomplishments. You certainly deserve a partner who loves and respects your efforts.
Your kids are off at college, be proud.
It really is YOUR time to shine.
All I know for sure, only you can decide when enough is enough.
I am 52. Two years out and away from a troubled relationship with an active alkie, and I am here to say, I am doing just fine, My only regret, is that I did not end the madness sooner.
I understand it's your life, and it has to be on your terms. I understand you had a rough childhood. (forgive me if I have you confused with someone else) but there comes a point where you must decide if you are going to allow the past to define you . You are no longer that child. You are a strong woman, you my friend are a survivor, be brave, be proud, and embrace yourself. leave the past there, you no longer live there.
May I ask what you are fearing here, friend ?
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi Susie, it seems it's all his way or no way and runs to mummy , he has the best of both worlds.
I was the drinker in our relationship and my husband put up with all my crap for years, I'm ashamed to say. But I stopped and am trying to gain his trust and build our relationship again, as I was reminded, baby steps, which was excellent advice for me.
Susie, it looks like everything is going to stay just as he likes it until you decide enough is enough.
My guesses are if this was a business deal you wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. I realise when the heart is involved it's not so cut and dried. Take care and keep strong, look after that precious person, you. x
I was the drinker in our relationship and my husband put up with all my crap for years, I'm ashamed to say. But I stopped and am trying to gain his trust and build our relationship again, as I was reminded, baby steps, which was excellent advice for me.
Susie, it looks like everything is going to stay just as he likes it until you decide enough is enough.
My guesses are if this was a business deal you wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. I realise when the heart is involved it's not so cut and dried. Take care and keep strong, look after that precious person, you. x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
he sounds pathetic, not you.
i hope you can imagine a better life with your son.
how about being treated with love and RESPECT? having a conversation with someone not drunk or wildly ranting and raving like a lunatic who embarrasses you. someone who smiles and participates.
if you kick this jerk to the curb, take the dog to a dog park and see what kind of people you meet.
let him stay with his mama, what are you getting out of his company? stress and wrinkles!
i hope you wake up and look at this from my angle....get off the train to crazytown.
i hope you can imagine a better life with your son.
how about being treated with love and RESPECT? having a conversation with someone not drunk or wildly ranting and raving like a lunatic who embarrasses you. someone who smiles and participates.
if you kick this jerk to the curb, take the dog to a dog park and see what kind of people you meet.
let him stay with his mama, what are you getting out of his company? stress and wrinkles!
i hope you wake up and look at this from my angle....get off the train to crazytown.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Been there, done that, felt the same way, but do you know hat, time came I knew, KNEW, I was better off if I spent the rest of my life without anyone in it than wasting the rest of it with him. What happens when momma dies? When his alcohol induced dementia kicks in will you be nursing him 24/7? He won't get nicer. He is a manipulator, exactly the same as my ex was, said just what he knew would cause me the most insecurity and make me want to cling on to him. Get him out. Begin living, find sober people for intellectual conversation.
Change your locks, move house, begin again. Don't be afraid of the future, it will be so much better than the past or the present. I absolutely guarantee that 100%. If you are not feeling happier this time next year having got rid and moved on, I will eat my hat. Or anything else you suggest. You have one go at life, Just. One. Go. Don't waste another second on him.
Change your locks, move house, begin again. Don't be afraid of the future, it will be so much better than the past or the present. I absolutely guarantee that 100%. If you are not feeling happier this time next year having got rid and moved on, I will eat my hat. Or anything else you suggest. You have one go at life, Just. One. Go. Don't waste another second on him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
if you are still married to him, you are still responsible for him when he drives drunk, runs up bills, and injures anyone. think about that...
you are not getting any financial support from him, emotional support or happiness. he is an albatross around your neck.
you are not getting any financial support from him, emotional support or happiness. he is an albatross around your neck.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Susie,
If 49 is old then I am also old because I will be 49 this month. You are only as old as you feel and I will bet with all the stress you are feeling a million years old. I know I a, but 49 is not old. My kids are 5 and 8. I started late.
I agree that you husband is an albatross around your neck. Let him stay with mom. He is abusive and unruly, messy and unkind. He is not supporting you emotionally or financially. What incentive is there for you to put up with all of it? Fear of being alone or not finding anyone else? I know it is not so cut and dried to make a decision to cut the cord. I am having trouble with it myself. But can you see living this way when you are 60? 70? It is so draining.
My husband used to spout junk telling me that I would never find a better man. I sincerely hope not. That was the alcohol talking. He is ten years younger than me and I looked at him last night and thought " holy crap, what the heck happened to you?" Because it is catching up to him, fast. If I never find someone else I am okay with that. There are plenty of things to do and places to go. I second taking the dog to the park. You live on or near water, is there a dog beach you could go to?
If he is only staying with you part time you can already make the change to him NOT staying there full time. Treat yourself to a nice life. You deserve it. Allow yourself to accept that you deserve better.
If 49 is old then I am also old because I will be 49 this month. You are only as old as you feel and I will bet with all the stress you are feeling a million years old. I know I a, but 49 is not old. My kids are 5 and 8. I started late.
I agree that you husband is an albatross around your neck. Let him stay with mom. He is abusive and unruly, messy and unkind. He is not supporting you emotionally or financially. What incentive is there for you to put up with all of it? Fear of being alone or not finding anyone else? I know it is not so cut and dried to make a decision to cut the cord. I am having trouble with it myself. But can you see living this way when you are 60? 70? It is so draining.
My husband used to spout junk telling me that I would never find a better man. I sincerely hope not. That was the alcohol talking. He is ten years younger than me and I looked at him last night and thought " holy crap, what the heck happened to you?" Because it is catching up to him, fast. If I never find someone else I am okay with that. There are plenty of things to do and places to go. I second taking the dog to the park. You live on or near water, is there a dog beach you could go to?
If he is only staying with you part time you can already make the change to him NOT staying there full time. Treat yourself to a nice life. You deserve it. Allow yourself to accept that you deserve better.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Susie, I am really really impressed by you having your own business and doing well at it. That's not easy in the current economic climate.
I can only boringly repeat what the other posters have said, that your AH is running you and his Mom to suit himself. He gets free board at both places, and when he has to face the consequences of his alcoholic behaviour he bolts. I wish I had those arrangements for myself. I'm sure you don't need telling again.
You may have the strength to break free living where you are, but if you have the ability to move, it would get you physically from this sick atmosphere. At 49 you probably have decades of health and well being ahead of you and all your friends on SR would love to spend them with someone who is worthy of your love, rather than the infantile, emotionally stunted loser who is your AH.
I can only boringly repeat what the other posters have said, that your AH is running you and his Mom to suit himself. He gets free board at both places, and when he has to face the consequences of his alcoholic behaviour he bolts. I wish I had those arrangements for myself. I'm sure you don't need telling again.
You may have the strength to break free living where you are, but if you have the ability to move, it would get you physically from this sick atmosphere. At 49 you probably have decades of health and well being ahead of you and all your friends on SR would love to spend them with someone who is worthy of your love, rather than the infantile, emotionally stunted loser who is your AH.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I am awe struck at the kindness here and the wisdom. Thank you for not making me feel so alone but I am sorry anyone is on this A train with me. Someone asked me what am I afraid of? Fear of being alone or not finding anyone else- that is it. But you know what - I spend most of my time alone now well I have my constant companion Esme the Golden Doodle who is my angel. He is a warm body- a warm drunk body that smells most of the time like beer and I am worth so much more I know it everyone I know tells me so - I am outgoing full of joy and happy with my life mostly- I am so blessed - for some reason I feel guilty not being there for him. I need therapy I know that - I need to not have beer be ahead of me. I need to live life and not just exist. Today I am having lunch with my two wonderful sons and 2 of their friends who love me. I am truly blessed. That is what it is all about - being with people who love and support you and you them. I write these things and I cry out of gratitude for you and my sons and my friends. Thank you again and Much love to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I found out the hard way, guilt is not a foundation for a healthy relationship.
Guilt is such a strong paralyzing emotion, it adds zero value to either of your lives.
Your personal guilt is feeding his addiction. And this is what I hate about this disease, damned if you do, damned if you don't. There truly are no winners when a home is controlled by this God awful disease.
I would just like to acknowledge your words, "I spend most of my time alone now" YES you do, and you are still standing, walking, talking and breathing, he is not the answer, YOU ARE. Just for today, allow yourself to be all you need.
You are truly blessed to be surrounded with a loving family, enjoy your time together.
Personally, I'm rooting for YOU!
Guilt is such a strong paralyzing emotion, it adds zero value to either of your lives.
Your personal guilt is feeding his addiction. And this is what I hate about this disease, damned if you do, damned if you don't. There truly are no winners when a home is controlled by this God awful disease.
I would just like to acknowledge your words, "I spend most of my time alone now" YES you do, and you are still standing, walking, talking and breathing, he is not the answer, YOU ARE. Just for today, allow yourself to be all you need.
You are truly blessed to be surrounded with a loving family, enjoy your time together.
Personally, I'm rooting for YOU!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The hardest thing I ever had to do was CHANGE. I spent a good long time waiting, hoping, trying to get him to change. Because if he would change, then I wouldn't have to, right? Change is uncomfortable. And, until you reach a point where the discomfort of staying the same is worse than the fear of changing, you will remain stuck. So, for your sake, I hope the status quo gets to be so unbearable that you have no choice but to change it. 
L
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Does he "feel guilty" for not being there for you? nope....He will live off of you, take shelter, get his way, have a clean bed to pass out in and a clean bathroom to use. You are like a hotel to him, a place he can store his booze and a fridge to keep the beer cold. You are a place to hide from his mama for a while, then he goes back.
Being alone with the dog and your wonderful sons sounds peaceful and will give you a chance to meet other new people. You never know what is going to happen good if will take a chance to let yourself be free.
Being alone with the dog and your wonderful sons sounds peaceful and will give you a chance to meet other new people. You never know what is going to happen good if will take a chance to let yourself be free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
You are still standing, walking, talking and breathing, he is not the answer, YOU ARE. Just for today, allow yourself to be all you need. marie1960 this really made me stop and think - you are correct I am - I had a wonderful day with my sons laughing and watching our Hokies ( that part was not good ) and eating in a sports bar! That is what it is all about spending time with people who you love and love you back. Tonight I am happy to be me with my son here and my dog - that is enough - that is more than enough.
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