nbay2013

Yesterday would have been our six year anniversary. There has been no contact for over three months now.

The good news. I was ok yesterday. Every Halloween was fun with him; as he always drank secretly and not with me, so I have no bad memories of drinking/holidays. I thought I would be really sad, but I was more....melancholy. I made plans with friends last night; I even had a backup plan and they both fell through. So I was alone and it wasn't bad. So this is proof things do get better, but it takes work and time, and more time.

The bad news. I dream of him. It's still upsetting to have dreams about him. Last night in my dream he just showed up. I was with friends and my daughter, and he just showed up. I wanted to talk to him so much and to get back together. But my friends and my daughter stood between he and I and made it clear I could not speak to him. Upon waking, I realize, so much of my resolve to not see him is due to peer pressure. And that is good in this case. I look forward to the day, when my desire not to be with him is all me, with no need of peer pressure.

NYCDoglvr

Regarding dreams, my therapist gave me wonderful advice. Before closing your eyes, sit up in bed and say: "If I dream about ___________I will wake up immediately" I went from lots of bad dreams to no dreams about ex.

NWGRITS

Ooooh! I will have to try that. I've been having knock-down-drag-out fights with my AM in my dreams lately. Sure would be nice to have her out of my head!

I know how that feels, nbay. I had an ex many years ago that I desperately wanted to talk to for nearly a year after we split, but my friends were always stopping me or reminding me of why it was a Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea. It'll get better, eventually.

LightInside

Oh, I had a couple of dreams maybe a month ago (so 2 months post break up). They were beautiful. We were all in bed, my ex, my son and me. It was very pure and golden and sacred and... So tortuously unattainable. Why my subconscious did that, I do not know. Maybe my waking mind just needed a break from all the stress.

tootsl1

I went through a grieving period in the first months. 13 years down the line, and with him now dead from alcohol abuse, I still occasionally dream of him, but usually I am angry with him and physically violent ( which I am so not in real life) so I know there are remaining issues, but too much time has passed for me to worry too much about them.
Be strong you will get through this to a happier, lighter life.

martina12

We are in the same boat nbay. There has been no contact for 2 to 3 months with my AH. He moved out a few months ago and I was devastated. I blamed myself as I tried to stop him drinking vodka and I found out that he had already lined up his ex alcoholic gf who also drinks vodka. I didn't know very much about alcoholism then.
Since then I have read self help books like 'Codependent No More' and books on overcoming loss, grief, alcoholism etc. Also had counselling and about to join a support group. Im also dreaming about him and it really gets my goat as I so want to get over him. I hate this painful process but I am finally starting to feel better. Wishing you luck in your recovery too.

Hawkeye13

I can really relate to this--I knew I was making progress in healing when I quit choking or hitting my alcoholic mother (who has been dead five years) in my dreams. I had so much anger to release. Now when I dream about her, it is much kinder and loving. She had a disease and a tough life. I am able to see that now and let the past go. What a fricking relief!

HealingWillCome

You're doing well, nbay. Grieving is hard. Congratulations on your Halloween alone. Those events that carry good memories used to trigger me into missing xabf horribly. Not so much anymore which I'm very thankful for. I actually like being alone at times now. I'm totally comfortable with it and even look forward to it.

I still have an occasional dream about him. Just last night I had one where he and I were supposed to be working on a project together, but he had disappeared. I waited and waited--he never showed. I didn't go looking for him. I just knew I couldn't count on him and I went on with the project anyway. That parallels my life right now. Accepting that he won't really ever be there for me, but I'm okay with it.

NWGRITS

Yes! I am not a violent person at all. I hate these dreams so much. It's not even me attacking her because of the drinking, but because of the belittling, demeaning, awful things she says to me. That's where I am in my therapy right now, dealing with her verbal and emotional abuse. I will be glad when I can get rid of dreams about her, period. I don't want her in my head at all, fighting or no fighting.

nbay2013

See, this is why I love this forum. I feel better now knowing this is common. I often berate myself that I am not over him and am still grieving. I think pushing myself to get over it, move on, let it go, look at the positive, is from my family of origin. My FOO didn't tolerate sad/angry/depressed feelings and often we (my siblings and I) would be punished for showing those feelings.

Thank you all for telling me your story.