Lewis73

I read codependent no more when we were apart..... It is what kickstarted me into getting in the gym and focusing on myself.

While I am not "cured" of my codependency traits.... I am at least better at spotting them!

wanttobehealthy

I was always far more invested in my marriage and wanting it to be what I'd hoped it would be than xAH was. My focus too was so often on him that my poor kids didn't always come first and that sucks.

So I get it....

I guess I had to accept w out really believing it that there was no marriage and hadn't been for some time. The intimacy, the friendship etc,.. wasn't there and no amt of wishing for it would make it come. Once I got my head there (sort of) I reminded myself about 1,000,000,000 times a day how lucky I was to have my girls and just started noticing and enjoying the day to day moments I had been missing for years.

I'm lonely at times and still would love to have a partner to share life with and maybe I will someday BUT I now really just enjoy my kids, and the little moments that you can't get back....

It's hard I know to let go of the idea of what you hoped you'd be w your spouse.

JustAGirl1971

Lewis, on your older daughter, do not give up on the communication! My son has been with my parents for just over 2 months now. During that time, there was a period of about 3 weeks when he was extremely angry at me, too, and would not answer my calls or texts. I still sent him daily texts just to let him know that I loved him, missed him, and was here if he needed anything. I also periodically dropped things off for him - money, clothes, food he likes (he is particular about his food and has lost weight since staying with my parents.) He eventually came around and now is back to coming home for dinner every evening that his father works. We also attend church together and I frequently take him to school. On the other hand, his father sent a couple texts the first couple of weeks and then stopped making any effort at contacting ds. DS has been very open with his counselor that he feels abandoned by his father because of the lack of effort on his part. Just because he wasn't responding to me didn't mean he didn't want to hear from me.

Don't worry about whether your daughter will take your call or not - do it anyway! Or, send her a text to tell her about the letter & how proud you are of her! Just keep reaching out to her so she doesn't feel abandoned. She may or may not come around but at least she'll know that you love her and miss her.

Lewis73

lol..this is true!

My top 3 highlights are:

her going to a mates at 11pm.....turning up at 1am with the mate (both of them now wasted) and the mate acting as councillor for a bit of marriage guidance that she thought would solve all our problems! So I sat in my own house with two drunk women getting a lecture.....it was about as surreal as you can get!


her ability to filter individual words from a sentence always makes me chuckle.... For example

me: why are you worried about what my friends think of you, none of them think you are a bad person

wife: well if they think I'm a bad person then they can go to hell.

Me: err....no, I said they DONT think that. They like you, they just worry about you, me and the kids.

wife: well if all they think about is you then they are not idiots because there are kids involved.

me: Beam me up Scotty


And lastly her lying like a 10-year-old! she will stink of beer, walk through the house like it's a pinball machine ( she goes from one wall to another to stay upright!), repeat questions she has been given the answer to 5 seconds earlier, etc, etc....... yet swear blind that she hasn't had a drink. It's behaviour that I see in no one else! even my seven-year-old has learnt that there comes a point in a lie where you need to adopt a different approach to "just keep saying the same thing and they'll buy it eventually"

I once said "is that a fresh beer hiding in the cupboard there" she said "no, it's an old one I forgot to throw away from ages ago" I said " really, I can hear it still fizzing" to which she said "that's the TV noise" I unplug the TV and she says " just because you unplug it doesn't mean sound just stops"

Embarrassingly, this conversation continued for another hour!!!!

Lewis73

I just emailed her and her brother to say congratulations and that they could each pick a gift for a small amount I would buy them as a " well done"

I liked the idea of e-mailing them together so that they both are reminded they are part of the same family.

hopeful4

Question...how did the success of the kids turn into "date night" after they go to bed? If you want to reward your kids who did the work at school that you are celebrating, do something as a family. Movies are great, no one has to talk at all. One thing I definitely do is make sure my kids have fun times at home and outside of home. Even though I am mad, even though I detatch, we all still have good times. Even if we divorce eventually, I want us still to have good times and be good coparents. I think in this situation you need to make sure you are focusing on the kids needs, not just yours or hers.

Lewis73

agree - the kids are getting a reward and know we are very proud of them.

The reason it turned into a meal for us (as well) is simply because, as soon as there is a good deal of positivity and happiness in the home she behaves like that! She puts in effort and tries.

Trouble is, there aren't enough good school reports to keep her happy all the time!

Refiner

Lewis... why do you enable her? Sounds to me like she probably doesn't work so you supply her with money to buy booze. Just curious...

Lewis73

money is tricky.

Our business is owned 50-50 ..... Historically, she did all the admin and banking and I did the client work. Nowadays she does 5 min of banking a day and I do the rest.

So she still has joined access to all the funds and removing her from this would be a huge deal...... both in terms of how she would perceive it and the logistics of actually doing it.

And ultimately, even if I did - she would just run up credit cards anyway.

Refiner

I know someone else posted to turn off the cards. You do realize, don't you, that you are also enabling her that what she is doing is ok by saying it would be a big deal in terms of how she would perceive it. WHY or WHY does that matter to you with how she is treating your family? Most A's need to hit rock bottom before they will want to get help (you nor anyone else can help them). I doubt that would be her rock bottom but it is setting a boundary that you will no longer fund her supply.

suki44883

I agree with ISPTRAX that you are enabling your wife to drink. Why should she change when you are doing everything except pouring the alcohol in a glass and handing it to her?

I really wish you could read your posts from our point of view. You have SO MANY excuses for not doing what is best for your children. I'm going to sign off this thread. It's maddening.

wanttobehealthy

Suki is right. I know its hard to see in the midst of it. But it's heartbreaking that your older D is t talking to you? Is that bc of your AW? We CHOOSE to marry our spouses and intend to be w them for life but our kids don't choose us and we owe it to them to remove them from toxicity.

Someone asked me about a year ago (after telling me their kid couldn't come to my house anymore bc they worried xAH might show up and act up while her own kid was here) if I would allow MY kids to visit a home where there was an active alcoholic who might or might not be acting up at any given time.

It was poignant.

Would you let your kids visit someone elses home w a mom like your AW there? It's a legit question. I'm not trying to be snarky.

hopeful4

Lewis, I am sorry for what you are going through and think that each time something positive happens she may act positive. In your mind that means she's making an effort, she is going to stop drinking and straighten up. In her mind it just means she is going to have a nice dinner, nothing is going to change. It's not the same at all. And of course she is not going to want to talk about it because then you will expect her to have ACTIONS behind her words and she definitely does not want that.

I certainly do not want to come off harshly, just wanting to point out the difference.

Good Luck in getting your mind to where it needs to be in all of this. One day you will realize she is not going to change her thoughts and actions so you are going to have to change yours.

Blessings.

Lewis73

It's a good question and how tricky it is for me to answer is an indication of why I might find my situation so complex.

Right now ( probably because she is so annoyed herself for yesterday's relapse) she is sober and making pizza for our kids and one of their friends that has popped round. She might not come across as the most upbeat and jovial of mums but she is looking after them and doing a good job of it.

If I was to say to the parent of that child " are you happy with this" she would say of course and that all appears fine.

The fact that wifey might pop to the shops this evening and get drunk has an impacted on her " motherly" role - at least, not significantly.

I've said it repeatedly - this would be far easier if she were staggering around drunk throwing pizza dough in the face of any child within range.

AnvilheadII

it's a shame, every time your CHILDREN are brought up, you turn your reply back to her, her, her...what she did what she said is she happy is she drunk are we going to have sex.

dude. you are a FATHER. you have young children who NEED you.

here's some child pysch 101 - when children are born, they know instinctively that their very SURVIVAL is in the hands of their parents. they cannot feed themselves, walk talk, move, or in any way shape or form take care of themselves. they are wholly DEPENDENT upon the adults who choose to have them.

as children grow older, that instinctive need remains. but when one or both parents gets caught up in their own issues, steeped in addiction or dysfunction, they are not available to the children. the children do not get the emotional, mental or physical support they REQUIRE. for children this means their very survival is in question.

imagine, if you were on oxygen to breathe, could not survive without it, and i came along and stepped on your air hose. because i was not paying attention, careless, wrapped up on my own crap. that is exactly how your children feel. they don't HAVE anyone looking after their well being, no one has THEIR best interests at heart. no one can put aside their own BS long enough to assure that these young fragile beings are happy healthy and secure.

you want to know why they are fighting and hostile? they are trying desperately to get your attention. hey, notice us, remember us? we can't survive without you. we are dying over here, slowly. sure, maybe the one kid is still getting good grades. great. how much attention did that garner them? virtually none, cuz mommy and daddy are busy having date nite.

when things got too much FOR YOU last summer, YOU LEFT. you left them there with her. you abandoned them to the care of an alcoholic. even now, you are still obsessed and consumed with HER, not them. you joke about vomit on the bed. about your abs. wondering if 40 is still young enough.

you could give your children the greatest gift ever....YOU. 100% of your time and attention. one loving caring dedicated parent. a home without addiction. and all the BS that goes along with it. no yelling no fighting no drunken rants. you could ask yourself each and every day, WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM? not muse about it, DO IT.

wanttobehealthy

I did wait to leave until the metaphorical pizza dough was being thrown around.... It didn't make it easier.

And how long until she drinks again? She's not sober - it just sounds like she isn't actively drinking at this moment. Sobriety is mental and physical alike.

Sounds like she white knuckles it and then loses it every few weeks. That sounds stressful to live with.

Collateral damage bc I waited until things did get very bad (which everyone here said would happen as it will to you too bc alcoholism is progressive) beyond my kids being hurt:

- loss of friends who get sick of the A's erratic behavior or my being down and sad or any number of other casualties of life w an A
- other parents didn't want their kids here bc even though xAH is a teacher and coach and looks like he's ok people knew he wasn't and my young kids didn't get to have friends here bc of MY choice to stay w an A.
- the money wasted...
- years of life wasted "waiting" for things to change instead of being the change I wanted

I used to say it would be so much easier if xAH just hit me, was a fall down drunk etc. Well he did hit me eventually and hard and it was not any easier or leave. I just was beaten down more and it made it harder to leave. And as his alcoholism increased so too his lying and manipulation so waiting for things to get worse only has made the divorce that much more complicated and costly.

Just my experience. For whatever it's worth.

ippochick

she needs consequences. at the moment there aren't any - she drinks, it causes problems, and then round you all go again.

set boundaries. stick to them. she will not change for anyone but herself, but you don't have to put up with endless nonsense.

ippochick

also, in AA we talk about crossing the line. once a person is drinking alcoholically, there is no way back. ever. no days off, no exceptions for special occasions. the disease is progressive, insidious and it will wait forever.

Seren

Where do I begin....

First, Ladies and Gentlemen, some posts are being removed under SR Rule 4. I would very much like to keep this thread open and return the focus to the original poster. If you feel that you are getting angry about something someone else has posted, please step away from the keyboard for a while.

__________________________________________________ ____________________

Hello Lewis,

I'm really so very sorry that you find yourself in the position you are in....it must be horrible for you and your children. Your decision on what to do and when is entirely up to you. You will be ready to make a move when you are ready, and not a moment before. If it helps, I have found that the alcoholics and addicts in my world are quite resourceful and that I do not need to be responsible for whether they are happy or sad....it's completely out of my control.

I do hope for your sake and that of your dear children, you will consider arranging counseling for them and for yourself.

Lewis73

well....she's gone

Tried campral - failed, did another detox - failed.

Had a row, packed her stuff and left me and the boys. Chucked up a few insults on facebook, changed her name to her maiden name...then de-friended me (then sent me abusive texts all night that jumped between "I will get the house/kids/money and you will live on the streets" to "have it all, i dont want a thing from you"