Hammer

Yeah. You understand it likely really was. It likely really was. Looking back at my birthday this year . . . Mrs. Hammer cut her hand pretty deep . . . cooking . . . yeah right (Self Injury stuff -- actually makes her crazy subside), and then dove in bed on top of me for Birthday Sex. Still bleeding.

You follow how f-ed up all this is? They are really trying. In their own mind-boggling, crazy, f-ed up, brain-damaged addict sort of way . . . they are really trying.

I gave up on the Friday Family Date Nights when she started figuring out they were secretly planned to make her feel bad. Ok.

You follow that is likely "projection?" The crap going on in her mind that she has to assign to you or others.

It is hard to say what the fake-believe advice of friends really is. She tells them some story, you have no idea what they say, and she tells you another story. One day Mrs. Hammer was explaining to me that one of her lies "must" be true because she had told it to 6 of her friends.

Completely sincere.

Here is the math: A = Bat Sh1t Crazy.

I hear you.

I have heard the "find someone else" stuff when she is near a bottom, too. Dunno if it is real, or sort of a cry for "No, I only love you," or what?

Dunno.

I have three kids to look out for, and none are named Mrs. Hammer.

AnvilheadII

can you maybe focus on what is best for YOUR CHILDREN rather than her??? you say that they are now angry, fighting, and that they learned it from how the adults behave. that's just the tip of the iceburg, the damage being done to those poor kids on a daily basis.

suki44883

I really don't mean for this to sound as rude as I'm sure it will, but I don't know how else to say it...

While you are running around with scrambled egg brains, your children continue to live in a dysfunctional home. The fact that you cannot decide what you want is not fair to them. You can't call her a coward if you, yourself, aren't willing to do the right thing.

Put your children and their welfare first.

Lewis73

You are 100% right - its mind boggling to me that I dont see this as the priority 24/7 and that I need to see comments like yours to remind me.

suki44883

Anvil and I are sisters from another mother.

Lewis73

I'm quite glad that we are now so distant that any sort of sex is off the table.

This year I have experience love making that is off the chart in terms of its dysfunctionality!

We've had to adjust position to allow for whatever injury she currently has from her latest "oh, I just tripped" moment. We've had to pause while she rushes to vomit in the bathroom. We've had to stop completely because she left rushing too late and the bed is now covered in vomit! we finished only for me to hear her fall downstairs on her way to the back yard for a cigarette.

I suppose the nice thing about being "only 40" is that I still have time to experience sleeping with someone who doesn't vomit immediately afterwards!

SnoozyQ

That is just so sad ..i have no words .

Lewis73

Well....."dont worry - 40 isnt that old" would be a start

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, this made me laugh. Vomit is definitely a deterrent to sex! I know, not funny for you... The no sex thing is frustrating. On one hand, I don't really want to have sex with him, but on the other hand, I really miss it.

I'm in the same boat on the 'wanting him to leave' but wanting him to be the one who initiates it. We had a good night with our dd last night and that made me feel like things could get better. But, then, there's still all the problems - him quitting school less than a year before he finished, not paying bills timely (I'd never had a utility shut off on me before and now in the space of a week, had TWO utilities shut off. Ironically, we had the money to pay BOTH but he just didn't get around to doing it?) Not to mention the fact that he's made it perfectly clear that he's happy in his very low paying, dead end job (because the expectations are so low. Perfect job for an alcoholic.) DS goes to college in less than 3 years - there's no way we can help him beyond what's saved with him working this job. He doesn't care! He is supposedly still not drinking.... but I really suspect that he's just hiding it. He's taking to chewing gum and eating breath mints constantly.

It's hard being at that place where logically, you know the relationship is over, the alcohol has won, and it's time to move on BUT your heart just isn't ready to do it yet. All I can think is if we keep working on us, keep focusing on our children and not our spouses, we will get there.

I'm sorry you had such a lousy birthday week

wanttobehealthy

Lewis,

First, I sure as hell hope you're right that 40 isn't too old to start over- I'm 41
Second, Suki and Anvil said it well already and I am in no place to judge bc instayed w my XAH and harmed my kids bc of it for far too long but I wanted to encourage you to check my post about staying when you have kids and just think about it.
I thought I was keeping the peace a lot and that the kids were relatively ok. They weren't and the sooner your kids are away from the toxic environment they seem to be in bc of your W, the sooner they probably will heal.

Lewis73

Our "holiday" sex summed it up for me.

We were separated for a few months prior so I used the time to hit the gym hard. I was doing cardio 6-8am everyday, heavyweights four times a week and basketball training twice a week.

By the time we went away I was in better shape than I had been since I was 19 (when I met her - she came to the gym I was working at as an instructor)

I was 6ft6, 16 stone and ripped - When I took my shirt off on the beach even my kids were taken aback.....my teenage son said "wow....dad you are a beast" lol

Then on the one night we had sex (after she returned from the bar at 4 AM) it lasted 37 seconds ( give or take) before she vomited everywhere and passed out.

So at 4.30am I'm in the hotel bathroom washing bedsheets in the bath and catch a glimpse of myself in the huge bathroom mirror.....my first thought was " wow, this new tan is making my abdominal definition pop"..... My second thought was " is that a bit of carrot on my foot"

Highs and lows!

wanttobehealthy

I shouldn't laugh but that was funny Lewis!

We could have a whole thread on sex stories I am sure.

The last time I was with xAH was close to 2 yrs ago (it was summer) and he decided having tired of being nasty to me he would be affectionate. Told me that if we had sex he'd feel closer to me & he was trying.... It makes me sick to even write this... Anyway, I agreed and it didn't work out since he was drunk. Without missing a beat he informs me that despite the fact "some men" might find me "hot" he was disgusted by me and that's why he couldn't perform. What a gem he was!

wanttobehealthy

How were things for you and the kids when you were separated Lewis?

hopeful4

I think the thing I remind myself over and over is this. I do not want my kids to think this is a normal relationship. I do not want them to choose a life like this. If they see me tolerate this type of behavior, what is that saying to them? That dysfunction is NORMAL and it is not!

I want them to grow up in loving homes with husbands that love and cherish them, not a spouse they have to live detatched from.

And 40 is the new 20...have you not heard??

Breathe my friend, and put your children first, they need you.

Lewis73

I suppose the counter to that ( maybe excuse is a better word) is that I did not want them to think it was normal to give up on/abandon the person you love.

Lewis73

very hard to say. Mentally I was almost entirely consumed with getting back with my wife/worrying about her drinking/worrying about what she was thinking/worrying about..... Well, you get the idea.

I, embarrassingly, paid little attention to the children.

I saw them plenty but probably said stuff like " how his mum doing" far more than stuff like " what do you want to do today"

I remember one day my eldest said to me " dad, why does mom never ask how you are" and I spent the rest of the day miserable which must impact on them.

Lewis73

tonight is now lining up perfectly as an example of my impossible situation.

The two eldest children have both had letters home from school saying how well they are doing. My wife is happy with this, so am I and the one who is still living at home is pretty happy to! ( no idea what the eldest one thinks and she wouldn't take my call if I tried!)

So there is a lot of happiness in the house - and wife has just suggested she cancels her night out with her friend and we have our " date night" by which she means we eat together after the kids have gone to bed.

And there is my impossible situation - if I say yes it will go no further than eating together.... There will certainly be no real intimacy. It will be like two housemates and she won't want to discuss anything negative ( that means drink/us/separation/trying)

If I say no she will say " no wonder I drink you are miserable"

suki44883

You would not be abandoning anyone. She is free to make the necessary changes to keep the family together. If she chooses not to do so, that is on her, not you. Your children should come first, which shouldn't even need to be said. Protect your children.

wanttobehealthy

I thought that too and stayed bc of that belief for a long time.

But then I realized that if I kept modeling that there were no boundaries or limits of what I would tolerate I was raising daughters who would undoubtedly repeat my mistakes.

In a relationship there's give and take. It sounds like yours has been a matter of giving and getting nothing back.

Have you read codependent no more bc the belief that you shouldn't abandon or give up on (neither of which you're doing by the way by considering setting boundaries and having solace from an A) is something that I found explained in that book and it made a lot of sense to me.

Sacrificing your happiness and your kids well being to make sure the A doesn't feel abandoned is assigning yourself a life sentence of misery. In my opinion. And I lived that way for years so I am just speaking from my own experience.

Hammer

no. no. no.

After a while it just gets funny.

Do not take that away.

I will not even venture into the Bulimic / Anorexic aspects.

c'mon now. If we could not laugh we would cry.