Wife is sober, articulate, sensible....but off to buy beer????
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by Lewis73 
Yes. But also sad....I love my kids, but at 9pm when they are in bed and I'm settling down for some quiet time - it's nice to have someone you love say "so how was your day honey"
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 56
Lewis,
The chicks will be queuing up for you mate. Don't worry about that.
A year ago I was leaving our two young children with my drunk wife, and going to work in my office in the evenings after they were all asleep.
Now I'm working on computer from home, girls are safe in bed, happy and have a lovely quiet home to grow up in, the wife's away and doing what she wants to do.
Much better place this year for me, much better place this year for our children, probably a much better place for my wife?
And, nobody's fallen into the Christmas tree this year!!!, yet.
I expect she will call you a controlling bully that drove her to drink! that's seems to be the trend with me and other guys I've met at al anon in the same boat, it won't be true, they are the controlling bully's not us, we are the caretakers who want best for the family.
Chin up, your doing your best. Keep going.
The chicks will be queuing up for you mate. Don't worry about that.
A year ago I was leaving our two young children with my drunk wife, and going to work in my office in the evenings after they were all asleep.
Now I'm working on computer from home, girls are safe in bed, happy and have a lovely quiet home to grow up in, the wife's away and doing what she wants to do.
Much better place this year for me, much better place this year for our children, probably a much better place for my wife?
And, nobody's fallen into the Christmas tree this year!!!, yet.
I expect she will call you a controlling bully that drove her to drink! that's seems to be the trend with me and other guys I've met at al anon in the same boat, it won't be true, they are the controlling bully's not us, we are the caretakers who want best for the family.
Chin up, your doing your best. Keep going.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Your story really resonates with me. AH is my first and only love. I started dating him when I was 18 and now I'm 28 and to say letting go is hard would be the understatement of the year. I think you're a bit ahead of me timeline wise but I understand how difficult it it is to let go of the person who was supposed to be "the one."
You will meet someone else in the future who will love you AND your kids in a manner that you all deserve. But before you can even think of that, you need to get yourself healthy first so you can be a good partner too. Consider taking up a new hobby to fill your evenings after your kids are down or arrange to have a babysitter come watch them one night a week so you can go reconnect with your friends.
You will meet someone else in the future who will love you AND your kids in a manner that you all deserve. But before you can even think of that, you need to get yourself healthy first so you can be a good partner too. Consider taking up a new hobby to fill your evenings after your kids are down or arrange to have a babysitter come watch them one night a week so you can go reconnect with your friends.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Originally Posted by Dave1977w
Lewis, The chicks will be queuing up for you mate. Don't worry about that. A year ago I was leaving our two young children with my drunk wife, and going to work in my office in the evenings after they were all asleep. Now I'm working on computer from home, girls are safe in bed, happy and have a lovely quiet home to grow up in, the wife's away and doing what she wants to do. Much better place this year for me, much better place this year for our children, probably a much better place for my wife? And, nobody's fallen into the Christmas tree this year!!!, yet. I expect she will call you a controlling bully that drove her to drink! that's seems to be the trend with me and other guys I've met at al anon in the same boat, it won't be true, they are the controlling bully's not us, we are the caretakers who want best for the family. Chin up, your doing your best. Keep going.
I agree that good things are in your future Lewis once you get past this.
Keep doing the next right thing!!
Kat
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Thanks people.
Another tough day over.
I'm starting to see through her though....we chatted tonight, spoke about old memories and how, when she goes, she needs to take bits to remind her. She keeps playing the mayter card and saying "most of this stuff is yours". She also seems to turn any conversation about happy memories into a "but I also remember you were rubbish at...."
Oh, and she is also telling me "i do think the divorce thing is unfair.....I was good for 18 years, had 2 bad ones and now you are doing this"
However, when I say ....it's not what I want, it's just where we are at ...you don't even love me anymore......you want to leave, you tell me this is forever..........when I say that she says " yes, you are right...but I don't know why you are blaming me"
What she would like is for us to not get divorced and to wait the 2 yrs ....after that time,I n the uk, you can split without giving reasons...before then it has be adultery or unreasonable behavior. She is REAL annoyed that her behaviour is being thrown at her like this....I told her I'd switch it to adultery if she liked "we were on a break" doesn't work with a court
but that just made her madder!
So....she wants to sleep with an other guy and then pretend it didn't matter, she doesn't love me, wants to do 8 cans a day, wants to move out, wants to not see me...doesn't want to consider that we may try in months/years to come......but is angry that I'm divorcing her!
She even suggested she could divorce me for my behavior until 2 years ago.....I pointed out that, if she felt my behavior wast hat bad then she should have done so....and I'd have gone to any lengths to save our relationship......but she didn't, she got drunk instead.
Bottom line....her drinking is finally having some consequences, and she ain't happy.
She also knows she has issues with child care.....I mentioned it might be cool for her to have kids after school some days and drop them back to me at bed time (so i Can work later). She said you might have to get them if I've had a drink...I said no, you have the i ts you're job to be able to bring them home -as I did when I moved out. She just stormed off....again, the reality is now drink = life gets screwed up. And she doesn't like it.
Another tough day over.
I'm starting to see through her though....we chatted tonight, spoke about old memories and how, when she goes, she needs to take bits to remind her. She keeps playing the mayter card and saying "most of this stuff is yours". She also seems to turn any conversation about happy memories into a "but I also remember you were rubbish at...."
Oh, and she is also telling me "i do think the divorce thing is unfair.....I was good for 18 years, had 2 bad ones and now you are doing this"
However, when I say ....it's not what I want, it's just where we are at ...you don't even love me anymore......you want to leave, you tell me this is forever..........when I say that she says " yes, you are right...but I don't know why you are blaming me"
What she would like is for us to not get divorced and to wait the 2 yrs ....after that time,I n the uk, you can split without giving reasons...before then it has be adultery or unreasonable behavior. She is REAL annoyed that her behaviour is being thrown at her like this....I told her I'd switch it to adultery if she liked "we were on a break" doesn't work with a court
but that just made her madder!So....she wants to sleep with an other guy and then pretend it didn't matter, she doesn't love me, wants to do 8 cans a day, wants to move out, wants to not see me...doesn't want to consider that we may try in months/years to come......but is angry that I'm divorcing her!
She even suggested she could divorce me for my behavior until 2 years ago.....I pointed out that, if she felt my behavior wast hat bad then she should have done so....and I'd have gone to any lengths to save our relationship......but she didn't, she got drunk instead.
Bottom line....her drinking is finally having some consequences, and she ain't happy.
She also knows she has issues with child care.....I mentioned it might be cool for her to have kids after school some days and drop them back to me at bed time (so i Can work later). She said you might have to get them if I've had a drink...I said no, you have the i ts you're job to be able to bring them home -as I did when I moved out. She just stormed off....again, the reality is now drink = life gets screwed up. And she doesn't like it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Yep, you are right Lewis.
She can't have her cake and eat it too.
She may be starting to realize that her actions are producing consequences, but she is a far cry away from doing anything productive with that knowledge...
Just keep on your path. Also know that at this point you are not obligated to share your every step, thoughts, and plans with her... Let her deal with it as it comes...it's part of the consequences that she should experience.... JMHO
Keep doing the next right thing!
Kat
She can't have her cake and eat it too.
She may be starting to realize that her actions are producing consequences, but she is a far cry away from doing anything productive with that knowledge...
Just keep on your path. Also know that at this point you are not obligated to share your every step, thoughts, and plans with her... Let her deal with it as it comes...it's part of the consequences that she should experience.... JMHO
Keep doing the next right thing!
Kat
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Location: Sweden
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The thing about the 18 perfect years and then the 2 bad: Really? When you think back, I think you will be able to remember things that used to confuse you. Strange behavior that you couldn't explain at the time. Worrying signals that you might have ignored because you would never have guessed it was related to drinking.
I think if you start to look back, you will start to see that the problem drinking probably started much earlier than just 2 years ago.
I had a really hard time accepting that my drinking went on much longer than I was comfortable admitting. I used to tell my counselor and then my AA sponsor that I was okay until "the last 5 years when I went chronic". Because it felt a lot better saying that than saying I had a drinking problem for 30+ years, most of my life. But, now I understand that is the case.
Most alcoholics will start early in life. It may take some of them a long time to reach the point of severe consequences, but the problem drinking is definitely there all along.
I think if you start to look back, you will start to see that the problem drinking probably started much earlier than just 2 years ago.
I had a really hard time accepting that my drinking went on much longer than I was comfortable admitting. I used to tell my counselor and then my AA sponsor that I was okay until "the last 5 years when I went chronic". Because it felt a lot better saying that than saying I had a drinking problem for 30+ years, most of my life. But, now I understand that is the case.
Most alcoholics will start early in life. It may take some of them a long time to reach the point of severe consequences, but the problem drinking is definitely there all along.
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To be fair to her ..... She didn't drink until about 3 years ago. Neither of us did- then she went off a cliff with it! She just seemed to reach the end of her tether with regards telling me she wasn't he happy and just decided to have a beer instead.
I have emails from her from before she was drinking where she said she Just adored me and wanted me to put in more effort. With hindsight , I should have. My mistake.
I have emails from her from before she was drinking where she said she Just adored me and wanted me to put in more effort. With hindsight , I should have. My mistake.
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Right - my plan today....work hard, dont engage with her! She just tells all her friends what a nasty bully I am so screw her....got to get on.
Meanwhile - my lawyer wants to know if I'm happy with the reasons she has given for "unreasonable behaviour" - it's a tricky one, they are quite generic ( as they can be) but I know the sure my wife will ( without specifics) completely disregard them..... it doesn't really matter, legally, but I'm wondering if-for my own reasoning- I should be more specific so that when she reads them it does ring true.
Example-she conducted a six month long emotional affair/sex chatting on face book thing with a friend of ours.... I want to put that down, as opposed to the lawyers version which is " she spent excessive amounts of time on social media with friends and acquaintances as opposed focusing upon the marriage"
Some tough decisions today.
Meanwhile - my lawyer wants to know if I'm happy with the reasons she has given for "unreasonable behaviour" - it's a tricky one, they are quite generic ( as they can be) but I know the sure my wife will ( without specifics) completely disregard them..... it doesn't really matter, legally, but I'm wondering if-for my own reasoning- I should be more specific so that when she reads them it does ring true.
Example-she conducted a six month long emotional affair/sex chatting on face book thing with a friend of ours.... I want to put that down, as opposed to the lawyers version which is " she spent excessive amounts of time on social media with friends and acquaintances as opposed focusing upon the marriage"
Some tough decisions today.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Not sure what you should do Lewis or exactly what what else is in the pleading, but if it were me, I'd want to state the facts as I knew them.
What's the point of sugar-coating it?
It is a legal proceeding and I would want things represented as they are in case you are required to back them up... Either now or if you should need to fight for custody...
What does your attorney advise? Does she think it will matter either way?
What's the point of sugar-coating it?
It is a legal proceeding and I would want things represented as they are in case you are required to back them up... Either now or if you should need to fight for custody...
What does your attorney advise? Does she think it will matter either way?
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just like with her-she says don't worry about it, it's simply a means to an end. we can always get specific later if required.... Her comment which I took on board was " a divorce petition is not the place to try and get your wife to see sense"
Which is true.
So-I hope now is that she does not meet a solicitor who advises her to fight like crazy!
Which is true.
So-I hope now is that she does not meet a solicitor who advises her to fight like crazy!
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Originally Posted by Lewis73
To be fair to her ..... She didn't drink until about 3 years ago. Neither of us did- then she went off a cliff with it! She just seemed to reach the end of her tether with regards telling me she wasn't he happy and just decided to have a beer instead.
I have emails from her from before she was drinking where she said she Just adored me and wanted me to put in more effort. With hindsight , I should have. My mistake.
I have emails from her from before she was drinking where she said she Just adored me and wanted me to put in more effort. With hindsight , I should have. My mistake.
Re: lawyers. Since I now have one, I would say you will have to look out for your interests here. Lawyers are fine, as far as it goes, but in my experience they "ramp up" right before the court battle, leaving a lot of the details until then. Not always in your best interests. Do not be afraid to be assertive.
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Originally Posted by Lewis73
we are both being sensible (so far) - she knows that screwing me screws over the kids money too....she just wants security ... and she needs that.
As far as the housing search goes . . . any apartments (or you call them "flats," right?) that are located above, or next to a pub or liquor store?
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well, a quiet day in the end.
divorce papers ready to go but will be held until she moves out as i dont want her to be upset/annoyed before then and decide to stay out of spite.
we have chatted a little...she's had a calm day - prob only 5/6 cans. she is just fed up with talking to me about "this"...she said she shudders when i walk in the room in case i raise it with her again - its a fair enough point.
she is looking forward to going and having peace and space...and getting well. she mentioned how, in the early weeks, i may have to do more than my share of driving the kids to after school stuff or they wont be able to go (as she'll be over the limit)...so i clamly told her "then they wont go....its not my job to bail you out - it doesnt help me or you" she asked if i was trying to make her feel guilty and that she is guilty enough already...i said "i'm not bailing you out....how you feel about that is your issue." and left it at that.
so calm evening - i do have a slight niggle at the back of my mind that she may, after a few weeks....actually, i dont know what i'm saying. right now she says she loves me but is not in love...and has been that way all year. she says she doesnt know how she'll feel after a few weeks/months apart. i'm just rambling - i suppose i'm scared of divorcing someone who, if left to some peace would sober up and recall the love she once had and agree to go grab a coffee......but i also know she slept with someone and regards it as "bad stuff happens. its been a really bad year for me too"
anyway.....no tears today - first dry day in a while (good job too...thought i was going nuts for while!)
divorce papers ready to go but will be held until she moves out as i dont want her to be upset/annoyed before then and decide to stay out of spite.
we have chatted a little...she's had a calm day - prob only 5/6 cans. she is just fed up with talking to me about "this"...she said she shudders when i walk in the room in case i raise it with her again - its a fair enough point.
she is looking forward to going and having peace and space...and getting well. she mentioned how, in the early weeks, i may have to do more than my share of driving the kids to after school stuff or they wont be able to go (as she'll be over the limit)...so i clamly told her "then they wont go....its not my job to bail you out - it doesnt help me or you" she asked if i was trying to make her feel guilty and that she is guilty enough already...i said "i'm not bailing you out....how you feel about that is your issue." and left it at that.
so calm evening - i do have a slight niggle at the back of my mind that she may, after a few weeks....actually, i dont know what i'm saying. right now she says she loves me but is not in love...and has been that way all year. she says she doesnt know how she'll feel after a few weeks/months apart. i'm just rambling - i suppose i'm scared of divorcing someone who, if left to some peace would sober up and recall the love she once had and agree to go grab a coffee......but i also know she slept with someone and regards it as "bad stuff happens. its been a really bad year for me too"
anyway.....no tears today - first dry day in a while (good job too...thought i was going nuts for while!)
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lol...scrap the 5 cans bit yesterday - just found she had re-stocked her stash with a cheeky little 18 can xmas pack!
So thats the 5 she had left plus the 6 missing from that this morning....dohh! Odd because last night she seemed pretty on the ball!
So thats the 5 she had left plus the 6 missing from that this morning....dohh! Odd because last night she seemed pretty on the ball!
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