How long has your A been sober? How many times did they relapse?
 

Just curious.....

1. How long has your A been sober?

2. How many times did they relapse?

Hi Bobby!

1) This most recent time? Well, my stepson has been sober about 1 year--assuming he actually has not had a drink this whole time. We don't know.

2) Countless times

How are you this evening?

My XA has now been sober 6 weeks. He has relapsed so many times I couldn't begin to determine an accurate account. At least 15 times over the 4 years we were together. I was a very slow learner and every relapse came with a promise to never do it again. In February we will have been split up for 3 years.

He is 2500 miles away and I am happy that he is sober. But it is very possible... even likely that it is a temporary condition and therefore... I could never ever consider for a minute starting up a relationship with him again.

My peace and serenity is far too valuable to put at risk again.

Hi Bobby.

I have an AH. He isn't sober now and I have lost track of the "cycle" of sober vs. drunk time. Sadly, too many to count.

My husband doesn't (yet) have a physical dependence. His is all mental/emotional. In our 26 yrs together, he's quit drinking 4 times. The first time lasted maybe 6 months? I don't remember what made him quit that time. Second time he quit for his health (elevated liver enzymes.) That time lasted a year. Third time he quit because he'd been laid off from his job and he was aware enough to recognize that if he didn't quit, he'd likely end up drowning his sorrows in the bottle. That time lasted a year. This time he quit because I told him he needed to. He hasn't drank in 10 days this time.

In all cases, he started back up with the plan that he would drink moderately. And every time he did drink moderately.... for awhile, usually about a year.

I have no delusions. This time won't work. He doesn't recognize he has a problem. Actually, he even told me and our marriage counselor that he's only doing it temporarily to improve the situation at home and with our son. Even if he DID recognize that it's a problem, it still won't work because he's made it very clear, in no uncertain terms, that he does not need a support group to quit.

...you might be trying to rationalize his addiction to yourself. The brain is part of our physical bodies, and his brain is what needs the alcohol. The "mental" part of his addiction is his brain needing the alcohol.

99% sure that while he's drinking, he is physically dependent. Especially if some of the reasons he stops is due to alcohol-related health problems, like you mentioned.

(Edited to add: This is in no way criticism of you! I just re-read my post, and it might have sounded a little bit critical towards you...but it's not meant to be. I just wanted to point out the insidiousness of the addiction we all have to deal with.)

I didn't take it as criticism. I realize I'm still somewhat in the denial stage myself. What keeps tripping me up is that he appeared to be drinking less recently than he did in the early years of our relationship (prior to his first time quitting.) Prior to quitting last week, he'd been drinking again for about two years. He always follows the same pattern when he starts again. A couple months of just drinking a couple beers when watching a game, etc. Then, it's a couple more beers/week but never to drunkenness. A few months later, there's a party or social gathering and he drinks to excess. Followed by a week or two of not drinking much and then the slippery slope downward.

I'm really having to revise my definition of alcoholism. Growing up, my father drank beer nearly every night. 4, 6, 8, beers almost every night. Occasionally, even a case. He attended church regularly, ran a successful business, etc. He gave up alcohol every year for lent. That was "normal" for me. Redefining alcoholism requires me to admit that a number of people in my life are alcoholics :( I'm working on it though.

ETA: I think my husbands pattern in recent years of quitting drinking every so many years has resulted in him not sliding back down to the stage he was at when we were first married. Since he'd switched to vodka this time, I do think had everything not happened with our son necessitating his quitting, this time may have been "that time." Switching to vodka as his "drink of choice" was new - always before he'd been a beer drinker.

I too have changed my opinion of what an alcoholic is so many times. I keep trying to define it around what my husband was not doing at that second. I have realized no matter if he drinks or not he will ALWAYS be an alcoholic and if he drinks at all it will lead to relapse and more importantly, will lead to my mental demise and damage my children. That is why I set my boundary, no drinking at all, because I realize he can do what he wants to himself but I am not going to let this ruin myself and my children and more importantly my relationship with them. I cannot control anyone but myself, so that is what I am doing.

The first step is admitting and it is a hard one. While your husband is clearly not there, it seems like you are getting there. You will have to decide what your own boundaries are and stick to them for your own sanity.

Good luck and God Bless!

That's the problem. He's quit drinking and he is trying to improve things at home and in our marriage. But, I think it's too late. I'm not the person I was when we married, or even the person I was a year ago. DS moving out was the impetus for me to evaluate where I am, where I want to be, who I am, and who I want to be. I don't know that I can do that with my husband. And, I feel this huge sense of urgency because I've already damaged my relationship with ds, I don't want to ruin it :( But, I feel a responsibility to my husband and to my faith to try to fix things between us. And, there's this other part of me that wants someone else to take this responsibility from me and make the decisions from me, lol. I just need to suck it up.

BobbyJ, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread!!!

My AM's longest stretch of sobriety in 30+ years was 31 days. Been to rehab three times, currently in end stage alcoholism and drinking herself to death.

I don't know specific dates..

My mom went to rehab when I was little. I have no idea how long she was sober. She then drank socially for many years (at least 10??) She then started to going to AA after a health scare and the REAL extent of the drinking came out. She was sober for a year or two and then relapsed getting in a car wreck. AA again.. probably another year or so sober. Small relapses in between and now attends AA seven days a week. I know she's been sober for months maybe 8 or 9, but I don't ask. She does seem very happy and I'm super proud of her. We have remained best friends through it all.

My Biological Father (we've never been real close) has had periods of sobriety on and off for years as well. Mostly forced I suspect. Either because bars have kicked him out, limited him to two beers, he's been so heavily medicated that he can't drink, or in and out of prison. Pick your poison I guess. I haven't spoken to him but I hear he's back in prison on his 6th DUI.

The A I live with has never sought sobriety and doesn't feel the need to.

He was sober for just a little over 2 yrs and had his first relapse this last week.

I just want to tell you how sorry I am, FireSprite. I know h ow heartbreaking this can be. Like dashing our hopes to the bottom of the ocean floor--again.

dandylion

1) on average two-three weeks .....longest time 3 months.(he thinks these numbers are special and means that he really put one foot in front of the other)

2)Ah has relapsed i would say every month or every other month.(he probably thinks its less than that)

I don't know what's worse the fact that he can't go that long without it and relapse or those who go say a year or longer and relapse. Either way. Not fun!

My son has been sober a year. No relapses that I know of yet.

+1

I have an addicted son (21 yo - pot and alc). He has been in treatment for a month. Started with a 5 day detox and then the day program. He has relapsed twice since starting the program. He says he want to quit - that is 1/2 the battle ...recovery is a process not an event.

About four months (as far as I know). This is the first try.