Struggling with doubt, need strength.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Struggling with doubt, need strength.
Thanks to everyone who's responded to my last two posts. I'm posting again because I was so busy today at work and getting my boys ready for Halloween that I realized I'm going backwards mentally simply by not reading this board enough today. It's the only voice of reason I have right now. I'm just going to write down what I'm thinking and try to be stronger.
Last night and today I've been really sad about it not working out with my husband. I took my wedding/engagement rings off a few days ago...never done that before. I feel like this is just a mental block, the sadness...I KNOW this marriage is unhealthy. I know I will be happier in the long run. In the short term, I'm thinking about the good parts and how sad it is that there is no hope left. We live in a really idyllic neighborhood and tonight when we're trick-or-treating, it's going to be hard not to cry just thinking about how we're not going to be a family anymore and we're never going to buy the house we talked about.
We're not really talking right now, but today we did text and both agreed that we're going to separate. We've talked about doing this a million times, but this is the first time it's felt this real.
Today on my lunch hour when I took my kindergartner his ninja costume at school, this teacher came up to me and said, "Is this your son?" When I said yes, she said "He is such a good boy. You must be doing a really good job with him, he's so good and sweet. Great parenting." I felt guilty, like if she only knew how unhappy I am and how much more I could be doing for him by getting out of this marriage...
I was thinking this morning about my first real boyfriend, when I was 18. I remember when he broke up with me...he was similar to my husband now. He wasn't a drinker, but he was bright, handsome, fun, and people were drawn to him. But he would go through this periods of depression and call me and put me through so much worry. I would call his phone a million times if I couldn't reach him, thinking he'd hurt himself and he wouldn't answer me. Sometimes I felt like I was his personal outlet/punching bag, because he never said that stuff to anyone else. When he broke up with me, he said he couldn't handle my over-worrying and anxiety. My other relationship was super similar. Eerily. Not abusive, but he was emotionally a mess...I was the caregiver. I was the same thing for my mother. When she lost my brother (I was two), she was depressed a lot (still is)...she always tells me how guilty she feels about not being there for me in so many ways as a child. I was always cleaning for her and worrying about her, trying to be perfect. It's so obvious now, why I married my husband even when I saw his drunken behavior one night. I didn't run the other direction like most people would.
I need to be strong now for my little ones. In reading all of the responses to my last posts (over and over lol), I see a common thought..."Think of your babies!!!!!" That has to take over now. I need to let that be my sole motivator. I need to shut out the selfish parts of me that are afraid of being alone and sad to lose my husband. He's been awful to me so many times. No matter how many times he's told me I'm beautiful, I'm his dream girl, and that he appreciates me, that's only half of his personality. The other half goes into screaming rages at me on a regular basis and is an absent father.
I'm just going to keep reading and stick to my plan...this is the hardest part, I know it is...it always gets better...
Last night and today I've been really sad about it not working out with my husband. I took my wedding/engagement rings off a few days ago...never done that before. I feel like this is just a mental block, the sadness...I KNOW this marriage is unhealthy. I know I will be happier in the long run. In the short term, I'm thinking about the good parts and how sad it is that there is no hope left. We live in a really idyllic neighborhood and tonight when we're trick-or-treating, it's going to be hard not to cry just thinking about how we're not going to be a family anymore and we're never going to buy the house we talked about.
We're not really talking right now, but today we did text and both agreed that we're going to separate. We've talked about doing this a million times, but this is the first time it's felt this real.
Today on my lunch hour when I took my kindergartner his ninja costume at school, this teacher came up to me and said, "Is this your son?" When I said yes, she said "He is such a good boy. You must be doing a really good job with him, he's so good and sweet. Great parenting." I felt guilty, like if she only knew how unhappy I am and how much more I could be doing for him by getting out of this marriage...
I was thinking this morning about my first real boyfriend, when I was 18. I remember when he broke up with me...he was similar to my husband now. He wasn't a drinker, but he was bright, handsome, fun, and people were drawn to him. But he would go through this periods of depression and call me and put me through so much worry. I would call his phone a million times if I couldn't reach him, thinking he'd hurt himself and he wouldn't answer me. Sometimes I felt like I was his personal outlet/punching bag, because he never said that stuff to anyone else. When he broke up with me, he said he couldn't handle my over-worrying and anxiety. My other relationship was super similar. Eerily. Not abusive, but he was emotionally a mess...I was the caregiver. I was the same thing for my mother. When she lost my brother (I was two), she was depressed a lot (still is)...she always tells me how guilty she feels about not being there for me in so many ways as a child. I was always cleaning for her and worrying about her, trying to be perfect. It's so obvious now, why I married my husband even when I saw his drunken behavior one night. I didn't run the other direction like most people would.
I need to be strong now for my little ones. In reading all of the responses to my last posts (over and over lol), I see a common thought..."Think of your babies!!!!!" That has to take over now. I need to let that be my sole motivator. I need to shut out the selfish parts of me that are afraid of being alone and sad to lose my husband. He's been awful to me so many times. No matter how many times he's told me I'm beautiful, I'm his dream girl, and that he appreciates me, that's only half of his personality. The other half goes into screaming rages at me on a regular basis and is an absent father.
I'm just going to keep reading and stick to my plan...this is the hardest part, I know it is...it always gets better...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Emmy, if reading the posts over and over keeps you on track with "reality"--keep reading away!
Does it help you to know that this sadness is very, very, normal and typical? We grieve all losses (to one degree or another)---even the loss of fantasies. Even "happy" moves or changes often bring some nostalgic feelings and tears. Try to remember that this normal period of sadness is only for a short time. Short-term pain for long-term gain. Dream of the days to come when good feelings and good memories will replace the space that your grieving and sadness is occupying, right now.
You are doing the only thing that you can do to bring future happiness and a healthy life for your babies and yourself. Instinctively, you know that this is the action that will bring about a good change in your life. Given time, your heart will catch up with your head!!
You are doing better than you probably think you are--and, the day will come that you will look back and realize this! Some people stay stuck in a bad situation simply because they are too afraid of the short-term painful period. So, they stay, forever, in the pain. Be so glad that you are not in that sad group!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep doing what you are doing--and, try to remember the things that you actually do have to be grateful for and for the good things that you are going to have in your future.
Like so many others, here, you absolutely can (and will) get through this. You are not alone. We have your back.
Keep posting.
dandylion
Does it help you to know that this sadness is very, very, normal and typical? We grieve all losses (to one degree or another)---even the loss of fantasies. Even "happy" moves or changes often bring some nostalgic feelings and tears. Try to remember that this normal period of sadness is only for a short time. Short-term pain for long-term gain. Dream of the days to come when good feelings and good memories will replace the space that your grieving and sadness is occupying, right now.
You are doing the only thing that you can do to bring future happiness and a healthy life for your babies and yourself. Instinctively, you know that this is the action that will bring about a good change in your life. Given time, your heart will catch up with your head!!
You are doing better than you probably think you are--and, the day will come that you will look back and realize this! Some people stay stuck in a bad situation simply because they are too afraid of the short-term painful period. So, they stay, forever, in the pain. Be so glad that you are not in that sad group!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep doing what you are doing--and, try to remember the things that you actually do have to be grateful for and for the good things that you are going to have in your future.
Like so many others, here, you absolutely can (and will) get through this. You are not alone. We have your back.
Keep posting.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Emmy,
I use to keep a journal. Kept the journal going for years and years. After I left my ex I sat down and read it one day. The one thing in there that really struck me was, I had once written, that depression is one step up from hope. That I was afraid to have hope, that I didn't want hope, I just wanted depression, because then I just didn't care. What I understand now is what I thought was depression was actually "acceptance", and hope was "denial". I didn't have the words for it back then. I was actually getting better but I didn't know that.
Now, I didn't leave my ex because of drinking, I left him because of abuse, (he was also drinking, but he was abusive with or without the drinking by this time).
Just as alcoholism progresses, so does abuse.
They say that if you have a RAH, to give it at least a year to see the changes, with abuse, they say to give it at least 2 and that if he is constantly making noticeable changes in himself. Without help, people who are abusive really don't have much of a chance to change, it's their mindset, the more they have been abusive the more I think they rewired their brains, and they don't know any other ways to get what they want. It's like learning to speak another language without using a teacher, a book, or anything else.
We get hooked on the dreams of the future, being married, having a family life, but what is it that we actually have, and if we get that house, or if we stayed married to have a family life, is that going to make anything better?
((((((((hugs))))))))
I use to keep a journal. Kept the journal going for years and years. After I left my ex I sat down and read it one day. The one thing in there that really struck me was, I had once written, that depression is one step up from hope. That I was afraid to have hope, that I didn't want hope, I just wanted depression, because then I just didn't care. What I understand now is what I thought was depression was actually "acceptance", and hope was "denial". I didn't have the words for it back then. I was actually getting better but I didn't know that.
Now, I didn't leave my ex because of drinking, I left him because of abuse, (he was also drinking, but he was abusive with or without the drinking by this time).
Just as alcoholism progresses, so does abuse.
They say that if you have a RAH, to give it at least a year to see the changes, with abuse, they say to give it at least 2 and that if he is constantly making noticeable changes in himself. Without help, people who are abusive really don't have much of a chance to change, it's their mindset, the more they have been abusive the more I think they rewired their brains, and they don't know any other ways to get what they want. It's like learning to speak another language without using a teacher, a book, or anything else.
We get hooked on the dreams of the future, being married, having a family life, but what is it that we actually have, and if we get that house, or if we stayed married to have a family life, is that going to make anything better?
((((((((hugs))))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your emotions and feelings are completely normal. Let yourself have the feelings. In my AlAnon meeting one night we talked about this very thing. Thinking about what was, the good stuff, etc. Someone said "It's okay to look back, but don't stare." Keep looking forward, trust that the future is bright. It takes some work to get there, but you will.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I was thinking this morning about my first real boyfriend, when I was 18. I remember when he broke up with me...he was similar to my husband now. He wasn't a drinker, but he was bright, handsome, fun, and people were drawn to him. But he would go through this periods of depression and call me and put me through so much worry. I would call his phone a million times if I couldn't reach him, thinking he'd hurt himself and he wouldn't answer me. Sometimes I felt like I was his personal outlet/punching bag, because he never said that stuff to anyone else.
After my divorce, I reconnected with that man. And, though he hid it pretty well at first, I came to discover that all my fears back then were spot on, and that in the intervening 20 years, he had become a raging alcoholic and prescription drug abuser to cope with a mostly untreated raft of emotional and mental health issues.
So I let go of all that crap once, and then WENT BACK FOR MORE.
Now that we are apart (all over again), I am finally starting to face head on the pattern I repeat in my choice of partners.
Holding myself accountable is exhausting, sad, overwhelming and enlightening. I feel so weak. And I feel so strong.
My children have noticed the change in me. And they like it. A lot. Even when I am sad, or lonely, I am present; and not trying to wrap my brain around another person's pain and emptiness.
Stay strong, Emmy. You're going to be OK. And we're here for you, any time you need a reminder.
((((hugs!!))))))
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