Al27

Hello all! I haven't posted in awhile, so most of you probably won't remember me. Last time I was on was when we hit rock bottom (seriously) I don't even want to go into the details again. But after the (real) holy cow rock bottom when I was numb and dead inside and preparing to leave, my husband took a complete 180 and miraculously devoted himself to AA, physiological therapy, etc., and he is making beautiful changes that I always dreamed of for him and our family!! We are in a better place than we have ever been, he is working the steps and in therapy though some very tough issues (never been in counseling before, was always opposed to it)

But I do need some help navigating myself.. I am a fairly soft spoken woman, I tend to internalize everything. So no matter what I am trying to be supportive to his recovery, maybe at the detriment of myself because I still need to go to Alanon, I haven't been in awhile. That is number one on my list.

I am getting to know him all over again, which is wonderful. He is really surrendering to the program 150%, he just received his 90 day chip about 2 weeks ago and he is also committing to much needed therapy.

What is plaguing me now, that I need to work through... Is that I stumbled upon a letter he wrote to one of his ex's. Not one to send, apparently it was a therapy letter given as homework by his psychologist~ designed to dig deep in the soul and then be thrown away. Unfortunately it basically fell out of a notebook I grabbed to get a piece if paper out of, in his car.
In it he writes in depth about how much he loves her, wishes he could see her smile again (and some very intimate things about making love I should NEVER even know of) seeing it was like a car accident. He says over and over again how much he loves her and still thinks about her. He says he will always think of her as "the one who was my match" and his "what if" girl. He ends it again by saying how much he truly loves her.

I have been throwing up for two days out of sheer broken hearted anxiety (I told him I had food poisoning) but he kept asking me what's wrong so I finally told him that I saw it there in the notebook in his car. He was mortified. angry first, then cried for a long time and wouldn't talk to me, then awhile later he came up to me, gave me a hug and apologized for not putting his things in his car away. He assured me that it was sheerly a therapeutic letter to help him process emotions he couldn't express back then (20 years ago) in the hope that if he goes back and works on it all from the start (going through all of the prominent ex's who hurt him, and the ones he hurt as well) that he will be able to grow and become more comfortable with emotions today, in our relationship..

I understand this, I don't think he did anything wrong, he is working through some serious stuff and I am trying to support his efforts 100% by not getting upset... But I don't know how to deal with the fact that he may still be in love with his high school girlfriend and considers her his "match" ~ isn't that another word for soulmate? He has always had a hard time expressing himself emotionally, it's nearly non-existent. So seeing how much he loves someone else written repeatedly and passionately in a two page letter (I've never gotten a single letter in ten years, and he says he loves her more than I hear in a year) is a difficult pill to swallow. He says he is only speaking from a "me when I was young" point of view.. But if sure seemed present day, not past tense. I am not going to put a damper on his sobriety by becoming a nervousness wreck, I promise, but I really am feeling shattered.....

firebolt

Emotions are A TRAINWRECK in early sobriety. Unfortunately, you can't unsee the letter. He was in highschool... many people wonder 'what if' about 20 something years ago loves. He is just amplified because of his newfound sobriety. I hope you can get past it, and not let it affect YOUR recovery!

I can't imagine what a kick to the gut that must have been, I am so sorry - he will deal with those feelings, and release them. That is the point of the letter - try to keep in mind it is healthy to get it out on paper, and then let it go.

I am trying to put myself in his shoes....Imagine if you were to write in complete honesty all of the things you felt, and probably still feel about him during his drinking days.. I know if I wrote my innermost feelings about my A, a lot would come out scathing and hateful and malicious and even wishing harm to some extent about someone I actually love. I would have written thoughts of wanting to cheat on him, and of my attraction to pretty much any male but him..lol. I would have written thoughts about the hell not being over until he is dead. I would have written thoughts about the hell not being over until I am dead. I would have written about my hatred of him and his choices and how they affect my life and how I let them affect my life - of who he is and who i have become. I would have written about wanting to hold a pillow over that snoring sleeping drunks face until it was over....all that about a man I love. Yuck.

Our inner private thoughts aren't always pretty - but we are entitled to them, they should often stay private, and they help us heal and become better people. Take care of yourself - do something nice for yourself - and visit us as often as you need. CONGRATULATIONS on the recovery going on in your home!!!! What a blessing!

Al27

Thank you for those words~ yes that's what I keep telling myself is that is that private thoughts are just THAT.. Private....
I've thought of having affairs because I was so emotionally neglected. Never did, but thought of. I've had many visions of pouring a fifth of Jack Daniels on him and lighting it on FIRE while he is passed out after a violent rage, while I'm shaking and crying and half of the kitchen is demolished from everything being thrown and punched while he's screaming at me that I ruined his life...
But I wouldn't do that, this is a man I love who was ruined by alcohol and I know he is trying desperately to heal himself and in the process our life.
I need to work on my self esteem really badly... I realize I have been neglected emotionally for years, never told I was lovely or loved, constantly trying to hold together the pieces of a bomb as they explode all around. Add to that, now my newly sober husband, the man I have loved passionately and recklessly for an entire generation, is in love and dreaming of the girl who got away? Holy ****. I know I don't need to know that. Never should have. Wrong place and wrong time....

firebolt

I'm just so sorry - I completely understand where you are coming from....just keep in mind that we thought they were messed up in the head while drinking....now their scrambled brains are sober, and they have to learn to deal with emotions again....and they are REALLY messed up - without alcohol to cover it all up.

I've noticed happy and sad, and depressing and and reminiscent feelings are seriously amplified in my house without the booze intake there was previously. All I can do is leave him to it, and take care of myself for now. Do something nice for yourself, YOU DESERVE IT!!! (((HUGS)))

Recovering2

He is early in recovery, and is learning to process feelings. Up until now, he has used alcohol to avoid feelings. I watched my RA go through that when he was early in the steps. It's really hard for them. He did a lot of writing too. I never saw any of it, and don't want to. Like firebolt said, you'd have your own painful things to write if you did the same.

Move on from this would be my best advice. Let him do his work. He's there with you, he's staying and working on himself. Now work on you. Get to that Alanon meeting sooner than later. I learned through my A's counselor that couples who BOTH work on recovery, AA/AlAnon, have a higher success rate than those with only the one partner doing AA.

My RA is now 11 months sober, and continues to work hard. This first year has been hard for both of us, but so worth it. Best to you!

Al27

Yah me neither~ I want to UN-see it! But can't so just going to attempt to push it out of my head (where it never should have arrived in the first place) and focus on my recovery....