Has Alcoholism Ruined the Holiday Season for Anyone Else?
 

I usto love this time of year. Fall is my favorite. Then...alcoholism.

It seems like in my head I can tie each and every single holiday with some bender that my husband has been on that has ruined it for me. I HATE the holidays for this reason. I am scared to death that while I am out doing all the stuff we do for the holidays that he will be home swilling it down. Disgusting.

I guess it also scares me because I have decided in my mind that he will have to leave if he chooses to drink again. I know that is quite likely and I hate the idea of ruining the holidays for my girls. He lost his mom and step dad this past year three weeks apart so I know it is going to be an extra difficult time for him this year and I do feel for him and his family for that. I miss them too. It is so sad.

I hate having to tell my family to make sure there is no alcohol there. I hate that I have to worry myself sick about this, starting now. I am trying to make new things to do this year, but there are old traditions that you just dont break.

Thanks for letting me vent. Hoping the Holiday Season passes quickly and uneventfully for all of us.

Happy Halloween! Last year on this morning my husband and I had a conversation about taking the kids trick or treating (he was drunk at 5 am) and he said he didn't want to go. He showed up drunk at 4:30 pm at the kids daycare to find out where the heck my kids were. The daycare provider told him I took them Trick or Treating and when we met up later he screamed at me for "lying" about what I was doing, not letting him see his kids. We got into a fight because I accused him of drinking, he drove my daughter home drunk, locked me out of our bedroom and passed out. I had to pick the lock after he passed out just to change and go to sleep. He left 2 days before Thanksgiving last year...

Yes indeed, let me think back, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day, 4th of July, Kwanza, Mother's Day, Father's Day......... all ruined.

Also ....... Ground Hogs Day, Earth Day, Sweetest Day, Grandparents Day, pretty much any day ending in a Y.

I'm no longer looking back at ruined holidays, but looking forward to making new good memories. Drama-free Halloween tonight! Trick or treat, candy binge, all the fun, none of the bs. No school tomorrow so no worries about bath/bedtime, though I will say toothbrushing is non-negotiable.
@Marie- days ending in Y- that's a good one!

Ditto! Well, except for any day *he* stood to get some special time and presents. He was always there for those days.

But my holidays, the kids' holidays? He was drinking. He even liked to disappear right around birthdays and Mother's Day, etc., for a little relapse vacation on my holidays.

The year I was pregnant, I spent Valentine's day, Mother's Day, and my birthday alone. Even though we're still married, he's been absent for my son's last three birthdays.

Last year his family asked me to spend Christmas with them -- and then I watched them open literally thousands and thousands of dollars worth of presents, and I got some body wash and hand lotion. They thanked me for coming, and it was fine but awkward. I don't know why they wanted me there. No more of that.

This year that we've been separated has been pretty great by comparison. More than likely I won't receive a Christmas gift from anyone this year, and that makes me a little verklempt. My birthday was a little lonely. (My parents and I have a strained relationship and my mom likes to stick it to me by holding out on me on holidays.) But compared to the hills and deep, deep valleys of trying to plan and celebrate holidays with an alcoholic? I'll take it.

I will never forget the Christmas that we were separated & AH had not made it for Christmas Eve's at my mom's because he was "so sick" and then the next morning he was MIA as well. DD somehow ended up sleeping in that morning & I was sitting there sweating bullets over not being able to reach him via phone or text, not sure what to tell DD & not sure how to go about doing the whole Santa thing without him. (Not for him, mind you, but I didn't want to ruin DD's holiday). We do the holiday at my house - my sister & kids & mom come over in the mid-morning, we open gifts & eat a huge brunch.... and I was at a loss for what how in the world I was going to explain it all. My mother used to get very, very uneasy when conflict rose so my codie self couldn't figure out who needed the most coddling; her, DD or AH. Never entered my mind to put myself into the equation.

He had been staying with his aunt on the other side of town but she had moved out of state just a few weeks before so I had no way of knowing what was happening.... remember he was a secret drinker so I wasn't even aware that all these "sicknesses" were really hangovers & otherwise self-induced. I actually felt bad for him, too sick to enjoy the holidays, how horrible!!

He showed up literally minutes before DD woke -I was happy for her that her holiday wasn't scarred, but I could have killed him sitting there listening to his load of BS.

My birthday is also just before Christmas & he's managed to forget it TWICE.

Yes living with an active A can ruin the special days and all the other days that end with "y"

But please remember my friends ~ YOU have choices, YOU have options, YOU can decide to make any day you want fabulous regardless of what anyone else may do . . .

I lost many days to the active disease and to my own obessions of what might happen, what was happening ~ then I got into recovery and my home group & sponsors helped me learn ways to enjoy life.

I had Plan A, B C & D -

If the A's is going to be at home drinking, using ~ maybe don't stay home with them ~
How about GO and enjoy your life ~
find a good friend to go and have fun with ~ go crash on someone's sofa, roast marshmellows on the kitchen stove, string popcorn, read a favorite book, watch your favorite funny movie, drive around looking at Christmas lights, take the kids caroling at the local nursing home, the possibilities are endless

Live and Let Live is the slogan - we learn in recovery about "let live" but do we live - the holidays can be about celebrating joy, peace, love, and life ~ find a way to celebrate yours ~ it can be very liberating.

wishing you a happy holiday season!

pink hugs!

Halloween has always been a huge drinking day for my AH. We go all out-family costumes, lord of decorations, huge amounts of candy. Last year a parent asked if her miss could have a photo taken with my AH. He was so drunk he face planted in the hedge as the photo was snapped. For years I have asked me friend to come over to babysit AH so I can take our kids out. It's nice not to have to arrange for a sitter this year.

Ugh stupid auto correct. Sorry for typos.

Yup, what Marie said.

He hated his family, so any time we spent holidays with them (which was every year), we would get back to our hotel (we never stayed with his family because they all frown upon drinking) and he would be ********* within the hour, often fall asleep in his own puke on the bathroom floor.

When they visited us, I always drove them back to the hotel because he couldn't wait to suck down the first drink after the door closed behind them.

I remember not daring to go to church because he was drunk as a skunk and I couldn't leave the kids home with him. And I couldn't take the kids with me for fear that they would be noisy and wake him up.

Yeah. Pretty much every holiday was ruined. I think that's why I haven't really minded the holidays I've spent alone since leaving him. Sure as heck is better than it was being with him.

well YES! of course...but i have to say this...try my late husbands funeral...
i remember father in law so bad, thay had to keep the "bottle" of rye behind the couch..
(and i remembered this in a flash back in an al anon meeting)
aaah memories...

Wow, reading this makes me feel not so alone. Tonight I'm sure my husband won't "feel like" going trick-or-treating with the kids, too tired from work. He also has to go to his mandatory alcohol class tonight for the DUI. Haha. I'll get to enjoy that nice feeling while we're out without him, wondering if he's home getting drunk.

I grew up in an alcoholic home, the holidays were always awful and drama central.
I hate the holidays but on a positive note, I will be volunteering and hopefully will not sink in my usual depression.
I am really worried about the holidays as an RA, my two bouts of alcoholic drinking which led me to recovery (in 2001 was sober 5 years after that then Holidays 2012 I have over 9 months sober) were triggered by the holidays with me living alone (still do) and isolating completely with my depression.
But like they say, one day at a time.

A lot of Christmases. And other holidays. And kids' functions. And vacations. And every day life.

Christmas Eve two years ago: kids were asleep(thank you, Lord) and I was getting ready to put all the goodies in stockings, under the tree, etc.

Wife came downstairs so freaking drunk, it was beyond believable. She 'tried to help' and tried to stuff oversized gifts into the stockings, and was just not really helping at all(like I had to write THAT part).

I told her to go take a nap and I'll call her when I need her to help. She went to bed, promptly passed out and didn't wake till the kids woke us.

We had them opening the gifts and she really looked and functioned like nothing had happened the night before.

When all the gifts were opened, she made us some breakfast, and went right back to bed and slept the entire day away.

While I was glad for the moment that it was just me and the kids from that moment on, I was heartbroken for the kids not having mommy around to show the fun stuff to and to play with the kids. My mother made our Christmases, and I just wanted the same memories for them.

Merry Christmas to all(a bit early, I know, but just the same!).

Shoot, the holidays always involved my maternal grandmother and my dad getting lit, my dad passing out then waking up in a nasty mood to the screeching of my mother who was high on pills...just thinking about it gives me anxiety. I will have to address my ACOA issues some days LOL

Well...my XAH was a clown drunk so I can add some dark humor to the mix.

One Thanksgiving he actually passed out IN THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE. Classic....I mean he was eating it and enjoying it right out of the pan and an hour or so later he was snoring in it. OK...I was pissed of at the time (and I would not want to repeat the experience) but now that I don't live with him anymore I have to just laugh. :lmao This is the crap I lived with - it's only funny after you move out.

For me the holidays being ruined are more about my FOO but yah XAH made every holiday some drunken comedy which is not funny when you are in the middle of the mess. Once he passed out in the yard with his present half open...OMG - it's lol now but not at the time.


Oh...and one Thanksgiving his parents were coming and I was trying to get the house all ready and he kept passing out everywhere and I was getting mad so he "disappeared"...his parents came and we found him "asleep" in the shower (it wasn't on thankfully)...horrifying at the time but now LOL.

I laugh about it now but the sad part of it all was it was never "real" - there was nothing authentic about the holiday or our relationship or even the comedy because he was drunk and never present....that's why I say it's a dark funny...rather than funny haha.

I have another thread complaining about being in the holidays alone but honestly I'd rather be alone any day than with my NPD FOO (that's a mean mess) or with active alcoholism.

mines already started. I love how he gets all in a bad mood as if its normal. doesnt want to do anything etc and then his mood suddenly changes. like its not obvious when he takes a glass into the bathroom.

Ha! I really love your sense of humor Marie :c011:

My mother becasme an angry drunk and got worse as the years went on. I always hated holidays after those first few idyllic ones as a small child. But too many kitchen fires, angry tirades, staying outside for hours or all night to get away from her until she passed out.

I'm only slowly growing back into enjoying them. I do love the food, however. . .

i love the holidays.i just don't like ah's holiday's. they are stressful,depressing , embarrassing etc.....but in general love the holidays. just not with an alcoholic or should i say a "drunk"

My XA ruined his OWN birthday this year. We were supposed to be together, had planned it for a couple days. Of course, he was on a bender-from-hell through the planning, so I was totally prepared for him to flake on the whole thing.

It actually helped me feel better about other special occasions he had ruined. I finally understood he wasn't drinking AT me, or actively trying to destroy things I cared about. It wasn't personal!

(The last few Halloweens were a total crap shoot - drunk for one, half drunk for one, nice n' sober for one. This year: no guess work, no worry, no dread. Quiet, but peaceful.)