Stocking Up My Tool Box NOW

Old 10-31-2013, 07:33 AM
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Stocking Up My Tool Box NOW

I'm starting to feel the beginnings of anxiety about the holidays. I am so, so much more serene and peaceful with my AH hundreds of miles away, seeing him only one weekend every 5-6 weeks. I was talking about Thanksgiving with a co-worker the other day, and found myself starting to get a little agitated. My AH will never commit to holiday plans until the very last second. We have been invited to one of his relatives' houses for Thanksgiving, which would involve an 8-hour drive for me and our son (my daughters are with their dad for Thanksgiving this year), and a 5-hour drive for my AH. I really, really want to go, because even though he is not at all close with his family, I happen to adore this particular family member and would love to spend time with her. Things are also a lot less hostile when we are staying with other people--it prompts better behavior from my AH.

Well, my AH won't commit to going, and the other night actually said he might just rather come all the way back here for the holiday weekend. I can't do the trip to his relative's house on my own--he would need to contribute to my gas money for me to be able to afford the trip, so I can't just decide to go on my own and let him do whatever he wants. So, the uncertainty starts to bug me, the idea of being stuck at home alone with him (and our son) for 4 days starts to bug me, etc. etc. etc.

I am recognizing these feelings right now, before they cripple me and I allow them to disrupt my serenity. So I'm beefing up my Al Anon tool box with skills for keeping the anxiety at bay, and skills for handling so much "family time" during the holidays. I have my emergency plan in place, and I feel good about that. I'm working on a "Happiness Project" with my neighbor, which has been great. I'm working hard to balance making project on my "have to" list (dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.) with my "want to" list (playing with the kids, reading, catching up on my favorite television show).

My biggest issue remains nighttime. I struggle the most with negative thinking, anxiety and agitation during the night. Does anyone have any calming suggestions for sleep time? How do you cope with "stinking thinking" when your brain should be powering down to rest?
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:50 AM
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You're a smart cookie. Making a plan and setting your boundaries ahead of time is wise.

As for the nighttime panics? I pass out like someone clubbed me over the head -- and then I wake up at 1. And 2. And 3. And 4. And somehow, every little problem is magnified a thousandfold at that time of day (and I think my problem solving capacity is diminished by the same magnitude!).

I don't want to do sleeping pills because I'm responsible for children and if I take sleeping pills, someone could carry me outside and dump me in the creek and I'd keep snoring. I've tried herbal teas with some sleep-promoting herbs. I've tried hot baths with epsom salts before bedtime. I've tried alternative medicine sleep stuff. The thing that's worked the best for me is to get a really hard core workout right before bedtime. I used to do an hour on the exercise bike, hard; take a hot shower, and then head straight to bed. That would knock me out.

The advice I got from professionals was to establish a bedtime routine -- for example, "Don't eat within 4 hours of your bedtime; don't drink anything within 3 hours of your bedtime; turn off electronics immediately after dinner; take a hot bath an hour before bedtime; have a glass of warm milk 30 minutes before bedtime; turn your light out at the same time every night". And I'm sure that works wonders if your life is such that you are able to HAVE A ROUTINE THAT STARTS FOUR HOURS BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEP. I have a full time job. I have kids. Kids who have activities. And it's not at all unusual that I discover after the kids have gone to bed that we have NOTHING for breakfast OR to pack lunches with and I have to run to the store at 11 pm.

Sorry about the rant there.

I think my advice on sleeping issues is TRY EVERYTHING. Helpful, huH?
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:50 AM
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Way to be proactive!

For nighttime (for me, at least) chamomile tea or tablets, melatonin (there are some dissolvable, mild forms that can even be used in the middle of the night upon waking, but I know everyone reacts differently to it), yoga/meditation RIGHT before bed ALWAYS helps me! Practicing meditation techniques before you need them so that you aren't struggling with it during a critical moment is helpful.

At my fave yoga studio, I learned an exercise of doing a body scan, starting at your toes & focusing on just each small area at a time, releasing the stress/tension held in each little area as you work your way up your body from toes to the crown of your head. (i'm forever shocked at the amount of tension I tend to hold in my eyes, forehead, tongue, etc.) Chakra breathing helps me too - focusing on opening each point through deep breathing & visualizing the colors of each chakra point as I move the energy/white light through. When I really focus inward in a healing way like that I don't have enough mental energy to pay attention to the things causing me stress..... and when I finish I often drift off to sleep very easily, or if not then the stressors somehow seem less critical because I feel calmer.
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:53 AM
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Could you save $$ so that you could afford going on the Thanksgiving trip?

Regarding trouble sleeping, I enjoy a nice hot cup of Natural Calm (magnesium), which not only helps you relax and sleep, but also aids tense muscles and cramping from tense muscles. I usually drink that in bed while reading. That and the reading usually have me nodding off pretty quickly.
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:56 AM
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Lillamy, I do believe we are living identical lives!

I have that problem, too...waking frequently during the night and having trouble getting back to sleep.

Loving everyone's suggestions so far! Keep 'em coming!
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:10 AM
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I usually have to quiet my mind before I go to bed at night - that's when the racing thoughts are the worst for me. I like to get myself ready for sleep, then sit in bed with some reading - sometimes something light & fun or AlAnon daily readers. That tends to slow my body down & get comfortable. When I turn my light off, I talk to my HP - thank them for my day & the many blessings in my life, list anything that is bothering me & acknowledge there is nothing I can do about it at this time, therefore turning it over to HP. I then ask for peace in my home & a restorative night's sleep & say the serenity prayer. If my mind is still going, I focus on my breathing and try to keep my focus there (kind of like counting sheep), and say to myself "I breathe in, I breathe out" repeatedly with my breathing.

I'm trying to make sure I turn off my laptop & phone at least an hour before going to bed. I don't get to read every night, but find it helps slow me down whenever I can do it. I've also done the body scan that FireSprite mentioned - I mentally put each body part to sleep.
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:48 AM
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Great suggestions & great job preparing yourself for options !!

for me - when I can't sleep at nite - I love to journal ~ writing down all the things that are going thru my head - I don't worry about spelling, grammar, anything like that - I just pour out my thoughts ~ if it happens to get too personal ~ I might even tear the pages out and shred them. But I just let the emotions flow ~ like I was sitting & talking to my HP face to face ~

usually after about 10 pages - I'm exhausted and fall asleep ~

Whatever happens ~ I hope you have a peace & happy thanksgiving weekend!

pink hugs
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Old 10-31-2013, 09:01 PM
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I've started writing a gratitude list (just a few things) every night as the last thing I do before shutting off the light to go to sleep. It has really helped reset my night thinking toward the positive.
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Old 11-01-2013, 05:02 AM
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I agree with Katchie about taking Natural Calm at bedtime. It is AMAZING! After discontinuing my medications that I took for many years that helped with sleep I struggled with waking up many times during the night. Ugh.

I always have a better outlook on the day when I am not awake for hours at night.
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Old 11-01-2013, 05:31 AM
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I think it really SUCKS that this is the type of mind frame we have to be embrace because of the addict in our lives.

I know we, as partners of addicts, have to plan/prepare for whatever possibly could happen but I'm so tired of it.
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Old 11-01-2013, 06:37 AM
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Ok, so I only have one kid...but I've found that in as much as a routine can be established...it really really really helps. My leetle one is a preschooler, so i think it helps her a lot and in turn helps me a lot! Working out definitley (sp?) helps, whenever I fit it in, I sleep like an friggin' angel!

That said...I am set to spend the haunacristmazaa with my xa's family? We are on good terms, they know what's up, even though they are all star enablers. But, early on we set up a routine so each set of grandparents get to see our child on alternating holidays.

But thinking about spending the holiday with *him* and them makes me feel nauseated. They kind of pretend that everything's ok when he's basically homeless now and jobless for years...but I don't want to NOT spend the holiday without my child. Blarg.
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Old 11-01-2013, 07:21 AM
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My ex would never committ to family functions on the holidays. The holidays to him were a day to abuse his prescriptions. He didn't want to be around anyone that might discover that. He always operated so that he could isolate. He'd always attempt to talk me into just staying with him and not going with his or my family.

I learned that my wants and happiness could never happen while locked in that prison cell alone with him while he chose to use.

Find another way besides him to get yourself to where you want to be for your holidays.
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