Newbie & advice on explaining rehab to kids
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Newbie & advice on explaining rehab to kids
Hello-
I would like to share my story and ask for advice. My husband's drinking escalated over the years, and nearly 2 years ago he made the decision on his own (although I suspect at that point he also knew it was just a matter of time before I issued an ultimatum) to quit drinking. He attended an intensive 5 week evenings treatment program, I attended the weekly family group appointments with him, and he continued with periodic individual appointments and weekly treatment groups for about 15 months without drinking. He never did the AA thing, feeling that periodic individual therapy and weekly group therapy would be "enough". He did use marijuana during several weeks during the summer of his first "sober" year, and then again for several weeks this past summer (stopped it again in August). He had not been to weekly group or individual treatment since last March of last year-he was "busy" and "seemed to be doing so well"-of course I nagged him about it, but...
Anyway...I grew more concerned about things this summer, as I was aware of the MJ use, and also he had previously quit smoking and had been off tobacco for many months, but then took up with e-cigs and I saw his nicotine addiction go through the roof, and then when we were on a trip to a large city in late August, he was on a crazy driven mission to "score" some MJ. This was especially odd to me, as I knew he had MJ at home. It all was concerning me as I was seeing this very addictive behavior shell game, even though he didn't seem to be drinking. My nagging increased. He agreed to stop the MJ and agreed to go back to therapy and start attending group again.
Several weeks ago, after an arguement where he seemed irrational, the next day he admitted that he "revenge drank" because he was mad at me for questioning his escalating nicotine addiction, and in further questions admitted to drinking while on our recent trip, and a few other "slip ups". He is working a second job for Sept, Oct, Nov and things have admittedly been stressful, time away from his kids who he loves dearly, etc. I was happy he was back to individual and group therapy, and I thought he was back on the upswing after some backsliding, which I understand can be part of the addiction.
Without going into too much detail, I recently accidentally came across some messages that alerted me to the fact that he has engaged in at least one incident of casual encounter infidelity while I was out of town 4 months ago. I was horified on so many levels-our relationship, evidence that he entertained the idea of this stranger encounter in our home while my children were sleeping, his sexuality, the fact that he claims he was "wasted" and barely remembers most of it, etc.
So-this all came into my world less than 2 weeks ago. His therapist says that escalating into porn or even seeing if you can arrange a casual encounter certainly fit the picture of this crazy "drive" I saw on our our trip to "score". For now, I am mostly believing him that this was addiction driven, that it was his biggest regret and he has never even entertained the thought again, etc. But of course the trust has been broken. We will have a long ways to go to repair those aspects of our relationship, but in the meantime, it is obvious that his addiction is out of control. So, lessons learned...You can only white knuckle it through for so long, You have to get the addictions under control first, but then still do the work to get at the underlying issues of the addiction WILL rear its ugly head again, and he is in deep. He was suicidal at the thought of losing his family once all this came to light. I can't and won't let this fact drive my decision-making, as I have told him that protecting my and my kids future is my number 1 priority. I won't live with a cheater and a drinker, I just won't. I deserve better and they deserve better.
Anyway-we have decided to pull out the big guns, and send him to an out of state rehab center where we beleive he can get the best possible treatment-honestly, if this doesn't work, nothing will. We will only have partial insurance coverage, so it will cost us probably $15,000 for a month. We are both educators, so we are FAR from rich. This will mean no replacing our 8 and 5 year old cars for many more, putting off the bathroom remodel and kitchen counters and family vacations we've been saving for for many years, etc. He will also have to take FMLA leave from work, several weeks of which will be unpaid. We are thinking of it as an investment in our future and family and that legal costs and divorce have a monetary cost to them as well, not to mention the devastating impacts on our kids.
Just to further complicate things, our kids (10 and 7) were both adopted at 2 and lost their first families to addiction. They are genetically at risk, were exposed to drugs (though we don't think alcohol) in utero, and obviously environmentally at risk if continuing to be raised by an addict and an enabler.
So...a lot is riding on this. I am sure I will have questions for all of you as we manage this journey. Our current plan is for him to enter this out of state rehab in mid-Nov. He needed a little time to finish some projects at work, to arrange fmla, and for us to figure out financing, and be prepared to have him not home for a month. He has stepped up to the plate, is going to AA every morning before work, has made the phone calls regarding treatment, fmla, admission counselor, etc. and is committed to staying sober and doing anything he can to fix himself and our marriage.
PRESSING QUESTION:
How and when and what do we tell the kids??? He has not drank alcohol around them for 2 years. When he did 5 weeks of daily evening outpatient treatment we explained it as Daddy is taking a class to help him change the way his brain works so he can become a better dad. Clearly he has been altered around them when I've been out of town, and in retrospect probably a few evenings in the past couple months, but I am not sure they have noticed this. It is not like daddy has been a raging, yelling, ******* around them. In fact, he is actually an amazing dad and they both have a great relationship with him. The 10 year old especially is a real "Daddy's girl". The past 2 days he was gone before they woke up and not home until after bedtime between AA and his work obligations, and his schedule will continue to be this jam packed until rehab in 2.5 weeks (which is at least good for keeping him busy). They are already missing him-the little guy said last night, "I just really want to have some family time". SO-although we both believe it has to be this way, the separation is going to be really hard on all of us. I know that the only allowed contact is snail mail and I think that once past 7 days, it may be possible for us to visit on occasion, but that is also a long drive each way for us and I am going to be running on fumes managing as a single parent, trying to keep things all together on the home front, shuttling kids, homework, holliday preparations, etc. on top of my own stressful job. SO:
How far in advance should we tell them?
What to tell them about why daddy has to go away for a month?
What (if anything) do we tell them about keeping this kind of private?
I do think it may be useful to arrange for my kids (and me) to have a therapist they could discuss their own feelings about all this with, so I am exploring that, but we are talking several weeks out to get appointments scheduled (and the logistics are hard with only 1 parent, who is working-evening appointments are booked far in advance!). We don't have family in town and while we have a few friends we can lean on, we also would prefer to not share the whole inpatient rehab thing if possible (I am not sure that is entirely possible, as our friends will ask questions and he doesn't have a job where he travels, etc.).
Sorry there is so much here. I feel better already just typing it, reaching out for support, and "saying" a few things out loud that I haven't told any of my real life friends or family. We are tackling this all 1 decision at a time, 1 day at a time. Now that the admission and fmla is in motion, sorting out the plan for telling the kids is my next agenda item. Thanks for any advice you can offer.
I would like to share my story and ask for advice. My husband's drinking escalated over the years, and nearly 2 years ago he made the decision on his own (although I suspect at that point he also knew it was just a matter of time before I issued an ultimatum) to quit drinking. He attended an intensive 5 week evenings treatment program, I attended the weekly family group appointments with him, and he continued with periodic individual appointments and weekly treatment groups for about 15 months without drinking. He never did the AA thing, feeling that periodic individual therapy and weekly group therapy would be "enough". He did use marijuana during several weeks during the summer of his first "sober" year, and then again for several weeks this past summer (stopped it again in August). He had not been to weekly group or individual treatment since last March of last year-he was "busy" and "seemed to be doing so well"-of course I nagged him about it, but...
Anyway...I grew more concerned about things this summer, as I was aware of the MJ use, and also he had previously quit smoking and had been off tobacco for many months, but then took up with e-cigs and I saw his nicotine addiction go through the roof, and then when we were on a trip to a large city in late August, he was on a crazy driven mission to "score" some MJ. This was especially odd to me, as I knew he had MJ at home. It all was concerning me as I was seeing this very addictive behavior shell game, even though he didn't seem to be drinking. My nagging increased. He agreed to stop the MJ and agreed to go back to therapy and start attending group again.
Several weeks ago, after an arguement where he seemed irrational, the next day he admitted that he "revenge drank" because he was mad at me for questioning his escalating nicotine addiction, and in further questions admitted to drinking while on our recent trip, and a few other "slip ups". He is working a second job for Sept, Oct, Nov and things have admittedly been stressful, time away from his kids who he loves dearly, etc. I was happy he was back to individual and group therapy, and I thought he was back on the upswing after some backsliding, which I understand can be part of the addiction.
Without going into too much detail, I recently accidentally came across some messages that alerted me to the fact that he has engaged in at least one incident of casual encounter infidelity while I was out of town 4 months ago. I was horified on so many levels-our relationship, evidence that he entertained the idea of this stranger encounter in our home while my children were sleeping, his sexuality, the fact that he claims he was "wasted" and barely remembers most of it, etc.
So-this all came into my world less than 2 weeks ago. His therapist says that escalating into porn or even seeing if you can arrange a casual encounter certainly fit the picture of this crazy "drive" I saw on our our trip to "score". For now, I am mostly believing him that this was addiction driven, that it was his biggest regret and he has never even entertained the thought again, etc. But of course the trust has been broken. We will have a long ways to go to repair those aspects of our relationship, but in the meantime, it is obvious that his addiction is out of control. So, lessons learned...You can only white knuckle it through for so long, You have to get the addictions under control first, but then still do the work to get at the underlying issues of the addiction WILL rear its ugly head again, and he is in deep. He was suicidal at the thought of losing his family once all this came to light. I can't and won't let this fact drive my decision-making, as I have told him that protecting my and my kids future is my number 1 priority. I won't live with a cheater and a drinker, I just won't. I deserve better and they deserve better.
Anyway-we have decided to pull out the big guns, and send him to an out of state rehab center where we beleive he can get the best possible treatment-honestly, if this doesn't work, nothing will. We will only have partial insurance coverage, so it will cost us probably $15,000 for a month. We are both educators, so we are FAR from rich. This will mean no replacing our 8 and 5 year old cars for many more, putting off the bathroom remodel and kitchen counters and family vacations we've been saving for for many years, etc. He will also have to take FMLA leave from work, several weeks of which will be unpaid. We are thinking of it as an investment in our future and family and that legal costs and divorce have a monetary cost to them as well, not to mention the devastating impacts on our kids.
Just to further complicate things, our kids (10 and 7) were both adopted at 2 and lost their first families to addiction. They are genetically at risk, were exposed to drugs (though we don't think alcohol) in utero, and obviously environmentally at risk if continuing to be raised by an addict and an enabler.
So...a lot is riding on this. I am sure I will have questions for all of you as we manage this journey. Our current plan is for him to enter this out of state rehab in mid-Nov. He needed a little time to finish some projects at work, to arrange fmla, and for us to figure out financing, and be prepared to have him not home for a month. He has stepped up to the plate, is going to AA every morning before work, has made the phone calls regarding treatment, fmla, admission counselor, etc. and is committed to staying sober and doing anything he can to fix himself and our marriage.
PRESSING QUESTION:
How and when and what do we tell the kids??? He has not drank alcohol around them for 2 years. When he did 5 weeks of daily evening outpatient treatment we explained it as Daddy is taking a class to help him change the way his brain works so he can become a better dad. Clearly he has been altered around them when I've been out of town, and in retrospect probably a few evenings in the past couple months, but I am not sure they have noticed this. It is not like daddy has been a raging, yelling, ******* around them. In fact, he is actually an amazing dad and they both have a great relationship with him. The 10 year old especially is a real "Daddy's girl". The past 2 days he was gone before they woke up and not home until after bedtime between AA and his work obligations, and his schedule will continue to be this jam packed until rehab in 2.5 weeks (which is at least good for keeping him busy). They are already missing him-the little guy said last night, "I just really want to have some family time". SO-although we both believe it has to be this way, the separation is going to be really hard on all of us. I know that the only allowed contact is snail mail and I think that once past 7 days, it may be possible for us to visit on occasion, but that is also a long drive each way for us and I am going to be running on fumes managing as a single parent, trying to keep things all together on the home front, shuttling kids, homework, holliday preparations, etc. on top of my own stressful job. SO:
How far in advance should we tell them?
What to tell them about why daddy has to go away for a month?
What (if anything) do we tell them about keeping this kind of private?
I do think it may be useful to arrange for my kids (and me) to have a therapist they could discuss their own feelings about all this with, so I am exploring that, but we are talking several weeks out to get appointments scheduled (and the logistics are hard with only 1 parent, who is working-evening appointments are booked far in advance!). We don't have family in town and while we have a few friends we can lean on, we also would prefer to not share the whole inpatient rehab thing if possible (I am not sure that is entirely possible, as our friends will ask questions and he doesn't have a job where he travels, etc.).
Sorry there is so much here. I feel better already just typing it, reaching out for support, and "saying" a few things out loud that I haven't told any of my real life friends or family. We are tackling this all 1 decision at a time, 1 day at a time. Now that the admission and fmla is in motion, sorting out the plan for telling the kids is my next agenda item. Thanks for any advice you can offer.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
First of all...WELCOME! This is a great place to express your worries and find support.
Before you spend that type of money make sure you have researched this place and that it is the appropriate type of place for his addictions. We spent alot of money sending my husband to a rehab that he got nothing out of because it was trying to be a rehab for too many things and could not focus on alcohol addiction. Big Mistake. He should have been in a completely different type of facility.
Second of all can I ask, does he truly want to go or is this your ultimatium to him? If he does not want to go for himself then it will do absolutely no good. I found that out the hard way also.
When my husband went (28 days) we told the kids who were then 11 and 5 the truth. We told them dad had a problem with alcohol and that it is like a disease that makes you sick and that he was going to be gone for a month or so while he works on getting well. Left it at that. They did quite well while he was gone and did have the opportunity to speak with him on the phone pretty often.
My mistake was letting him come back but that is a different story.
I am not trying to discourage you, I simply hate to see a family sacrifice so much without doing all the homework. I am praying for you all.
Before you spend that type of money make sure you have researched this place and that it is the appropriate type of place for his addictions. We spent alot of money sending my husband to a rehab that he got nothing out of because it was trying to be a rehab for too many things and could not focus on alcohol addiction. Big Mistake. He should have been in a completely different type of facility.
Second of all can I ask, does he truly want to go or is this your ultimatium to him? If he does not want to go for himself then it will do absolutely no good. I found that out the hard way also.
When my husband went (28 days) we told the kids who were then 11 and 5 the truth. We told them dad had a problem with alcohol and that it is like a disease that makes you sick and that he was going to be gone for a month or so while he works on getting well. Left it at that. They did quite well while he was gone and did have the opportunity to speak with him on the phone pretty often.
My mistake was letting him come back but that is a different story.
I am not trying to discourage you, I simply hate to see a family sacrifice so much without doing all the homework. I am praying for you all.
Last edited by hopeful4; 10-30-2013 at 11:35 AM. Reason: ADDING
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm glad he's going to rehab, because when you were talking about him, there were way too many things that raised red flags for me ("raised red flags" = reminded me of my AXH)...
At 10 and 7 they have a good grasp on time -- I'd tell them as soon as possible.
I would probably suggest that HE talk to them and explain that he has a disease called alcoholism that makes it so that when he drinks, he can't stop. And he's going away to get help for that, because when he drinks, he is not the kind of dad they deserve.
Well, that's a tough one -- in the business world, you can come back from rehab and keep working; I'm not so sure how that goes over with a school. I've never told my kids they can't talk about their father's alcoholism with other people. They still share that fact very sparingly because one of the things they learned their entire childhood was that One Does Not Air One's Laundry In Public. So they are aware there's a stigma to alcoholism but they still talk about it with close friends.
I think it's very important regardless of what we tell our children that they realize that the alcoholism is SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM. That THEY don't need to be ashamed of their father being an alcoholic any more than they'd need to be ashamed if he had cancer or heart disease or diabetes, or if he got a speeding ticket. That's all his stuff. I think addiction is like divorce: No matter what you tell your kids, they still think it's their fault. So you just have to keep telling them it's NOT.
I didn't tell many people AXH was an alcoholic when I left him, because I was still codependent as all getout and wanted to protect him from losing his job and getting his image ruined and crap like that. Today, I think I would be more likely to work according to the idea "if you don't want people to think you're a drunk, don't be one" and not hide his alcoholism.
I stumbled on the phrase and had a bit of a flashback to my alcoholic marriage. Not because AXH cheated on me, but because that phrase made me recognize something of myself in your post, namely that I would hold everything at arm's length and be very rational and looking at the logistics and making sure everything's done right. I thought about his alcoholism as "our" problem and was wondering what "we" could do about it. I stuffed my every last feeling because there was no way in hell I could handle kids and work and a drunk for a husband AND admit to myself that I wasn't on top of it and if I stopped to feel what I was feeling I'd probably implode.
"Casual encounter infidelity" sounds very clinical -- almost like you're describing it in a police report. When the man you are married to cheats on you, it hurts like hell. And it doesn't sound like you're allowing yourself to feel it. And that's OK. We're all different. I can just tell you that I did the same thing. And once the lid was lifted off that emotional pressure cooker? Oh lordy. Watch out.
You've been to his family treatment appointments before. Have you been to Al-Anon? I think that might be where I would put my energy. Because I think you deserve that time and space to focus only on YOU. It may not be pleasant but it'll be worth it.
How far in advance should we tell them?
What to tell them about why daddy has to go away for a month?
What (if anything) do we tell them about keeping this kind of private?
I think it's very important regardless of what we tell our children that they realize that the alcoholism is SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM. That THEY don't need to be ashamed of their father being an alcoholic any more than they'd need to be ashamed if he had cancer or heart disease or diabetes, or if he got a speeding ticket. That's all his stuff. I think addiction is like divorce: No matter what you tell your kids, they still think it's their fault. So you just have to keep telling them it's NOT.
I didn't tell many people AXH was an alcoholic when I left him, because I was still codependent as all getout and wanted to protect him from losing his job and getting his image ruined and crap like that. Today, I think I would be more likely to work according to the idea "if you don't want people to think you're a drunk, don't be one" and not hide his alcoholism.
I stumbled on the phrase
casual encounter infidelity
"Casual encounter infidelity" sounds very clinical -- almost like you're describing it in a police report. When the man you are married to cheats on you, it hurts like hell. And it doesn't sound like you're allowing yourself to feel it. And that's OK. We're all different. I can just tell you that I did the same thing. And once the lid was lifted off that emotional pressure cooker? Oh lordy. Watch out.
You've been to his family treatment appointments before. Have you been to Al-Anon? I think that might be where I would put my energy. Because I think you deserve that time and space to focus only on YOU. It may not be pleasant but it'll be worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I don't have a lot of advice, but just the other day I was talking to my Mom about the first time she went to treatment and what I remember of it. One of the main things I remembered (but she didn't) was a book her and my dad gave to me. I was probably about 10 or so at the time. I'm not sure how much the book has changed in 20 years but I remember it explaining the issue to me in manor that was child appropriate and understandable. Maybe you could see if a local bookstore has a copy so you can read through it before deciding if it would be a solution in your toolbox.
"My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease" A Child's View: Living with Addiction: Claudia Black: 9780910223232: Amazon.com: Books
Good luck on your journey and Welcome to SR.
"My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease" A Child's View: Living with Addiction: Claudia Black: 9780910223232: Amazon.com: Books
Good luck on your journey and Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by lillamy 
it hurts like hell. And it doesn't sound like you're allowing yourself to feel it. And that's OK. We're all different. I can just tell you that I did the same thing. And once the lid was lifted off that emotional pressure cooker? Oh lordy. Watch out.
I was at alanon today and was asked to read a passage. I turned to the page, I read it, it jumped at me....It was me. Page 92 of Courage to Change, acceptance of and the 3 A's -- Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I believe I have skipped acceptance. It's funny, by the time I shared, I found out it wasn't even the book I was asked to read from, but it was perfect for my moment.
Sorry to monopolize your thread! This and many other things have hit me hard today and Im trying to keep from having my own melt down.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You have a wheelbarrow full of crap to deal with.
But let me speak to your presenting question.
How and what to tell the kids regarding rehab.
btdt not so long ago. She got the T-shirt (says Rehab is for Quitters), but I got the hard life lessons on dealing with the kids.
Short and sweet version is -- Open and Honest.
Let them develop and ask questions. They will come up with questions not only now, but for months after as they sort all this through in their minds.
For our oldest I found some Happy Ending Rehab stories on You Tube. That let our daughter (now 11) know that folks make it through and can come out Okay. We also watched some videos on the demise of Amy Winehouse -- about the closest look and feel to Mrs. Hammer as she dropped weight and would zonk out, so our daughter could know the risk.
For all of them -- we (just me and the kids) made up songs. Stuff they could laugh at about all this. We wanted to do a welcome home party. So we re-did Amy Winehouse's "Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab" song as "Welcome Home from Rehab." Did the Addam's Family as "The Addicts Family." We would sing them at the supper table (when the kids would really be missing Mrs. Hammer) and laugh and have joy. Learned that an Army Troop Leader -- that which you can laugh at -- you do not need to fear.
But really, her coming back was harder. We had no real support from the rehab center at all. In fact, they were pretty much total a-holes when I even called to just get basic information. In that regard I would strongly recommend against that particular one. If you are thinking of one in Florida, PM me, and I will tell you the place to avoid.
Mrs. Hammer was whacked out for months when she came back. Really rough time for me and the kids. Daughter wound up in Ala-teen. That was really good.
Oh well, I am rambling. Write back more of what you need to know regarding the kids and rehab, and we will do that deeper.
But let me speak to your presenting question.
How and what to tell the kids regarding rehab.
btdt not so long ago. She got the T-shirt (says Rehab is for Quitters), but I got the hard life lessons on dealing with the kids.
Short and sweet version is -- Open and Honest.
Let them develop and ask questions. They will come up with questions not only now, but for months after as they sort all this through in their minds.
For our oldest I found some Happy Ending Rehab stories on You Tube. That let our daughter (now 11) know that folks make it through and can come out Okay. We also watched some videos on the demise of Amy Winehouse -- about the closest look and feel to Mrs. Hammer as she dropped weight and would zonk out, so our daughter could know the risk.
For all of them -- we (just me and the kids) made up songs. Stuff they could laugh at about all this. We wanted to do a welcome home party. So we re-did Amy Winehouse's "Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab" song as "Welcome Home from Rehab." Did the Addam's Family as "The Addicts Family." We would sing them at the supper table (when the kids would really be missing Mrs. Hammer) and laugh and have joy. Learned that an Army Troop Leader -- that which you can laugh at -- you do not need to fear.
But really, her coming back was harder. We had no real support from the rehab center at all. In fact, they were pretty much total a-holes when I even called to just get basic information. In that regard I would strongly recommend against that particular one. If you are thinking of one in Florida, PM me, and I will tell you the place to avoid.
Mrs. Hammer was whacked out for months when she came back. Really rough time for me and the kids. Daughter wound up in Ala-teen. That was really good.
Oh well, I am rambling. Write back more of what you need to know regarding the kids and rehab, and we will do that deeper.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
One of the problems in alcoholic familes is we keep secrets. We dance around the truth, and kids get the message that there is shame associated with the problem. My A attended an in patient out of state treatment center, and I attended their family recovery program. They emphasized the importance of being honest about this disease in the family. Tell kids the truth, in language that is appropriate for their age. Let them ask questions. Make sure they know they have nothing to do with it, it's not their fault in any way. My A's program had a kid specific program which was pretty amazing. You may look into what the program you're looking at offers.
I agree that you should make sure this is HIS wish to find true recovery. If he's doing it to keep you around, and not because he's truly ready, then his chances are 50/50. You're investing a lot of money. If he's serious, then he should have the talk with the kids and he should make all his arrangements. This is his deal.
I wish you the best.
I agree that you should make sure this is HIS wish to find true recovery. If he's doing it to keep you around, and not because he's truly ready, then his chances are 50/50. You're investing a lot of money. If he's serious, then he should have the talk with the kids and he should make all his arrangements. This is his deal.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
sorry you are going through this.
i want to repeat what others said about this being his recovery to deal with. if you are like the rest of us here you will need your own type of recovery. i did al anon and therapy for the first 12-18 months and that helped me significantly. each one helps to open your eyes and learn self care. we get so focused on the a and their problems that our issues (how did get into this mess?!) get passed over and we continue to make the same mistakes/choices without realizing it.
my ex went to a place in west palm beach, fl that was fancy and expensive and even had a celebrity as a patient (that i heard non-stop about, treatment what? oh yeah) he relapsed after 2 weeks home and secretly drank for the next 8 months. the place wasnt worth the price.
also, please get tested for stds. he isnt trustworthy right now and you dont know for sure what other accidents he might have had.
sorry you are going through this.
i want to repeat what others said about this being his recovery to deal with. if you are like the rest of us here you will need your own type of recovery. i did al anon and therapy for the first 12-18 months and that helped me significantly. each one helps to open your eyes and learn self care. we get so focused on the a and their problems that our issues (how did get into this mess?!) get passed over and we continue to make the same mistakes/choices without realizing it.
my ex went to a place in west palm beach, fl that was fancy and expensive and even had a celebrity as a patient (that i heard non-stop about, treatment what? oh yeah) he relapsed after 2 weeks home and secretly drank for the next 8 months. the place wasnt worth the price.
also, please get tested for stds. he isnt trustworthy right now and you dont know for sure what other accidents he might have had.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Just echoing with the others have said.... open and honest as much as possible is what has worked for DD9. And I truly think that educating them about addiction alongside supporting them is a key element. Creating an atmosphere where they feel perfectly comfortable coming to you with any and all questions that they may have is a beautiful thing for both of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Wow-Thanks everyone for your comments, suggestions, and honesty.
My son had a therapy appointment tonite (ADHD) so I co-opted the first half to tap her brain-she didn't have a lot of concrete advice other than to keep it simple and positive and encouraged us to tap into the facility for their advice on telling the kids, but I actually feel more at peace about it having had a chance to process things with her, knowing she can see both my kids for support while he is gone, if needed (of course I worry my son's own emotional dysregulation and behaviors may escalate). She also affirmed that him taking responsibility and seeking treatment is positive (well beats the alternative, I guess) which is useful in getting me in the right mind set for supporting them through this. I also looked up the book you recommended, and think I will see if I can get it in town and if not, order it-thank you for that.
You are all correct about the red flags/wheelbarrow of crap/I'm not processing my feelings/I should get tested stuff. I know that if I heard "my story" from someone else, my advice would be RUN, so thanks for not saying that quite so blatantly. Of course, as I know you all know, real life is messier and more complicated...
On the treatment center, I was really convinced this was the best place to be, and that $10-15K was a hardship but doable-"the big guns"/best shot/gotta make it work. Well-turns out the insurance coverage will be much crappier and costs much less predictable as a result-usual triangle of insurance-provider nightmare-no way to know if we will owe $15, 20, 22, or more and no way to find out until after treatment has been rendered. SO...we are back to considering the place we previously looked at with much better coverage/lower cost, but that we had come to think of as "crappy". I know that the recovery stats don't really mean anything-all that matters is whether YOUR loved one finds a way to manage their addiction, but the "world renound" place touted an 80% success rate while this place is only 57%. I am somewhat nervous/bummed about this, and getting "the plan" changed is a struggle for me when I am feeling so out of control and have been getting on board with this plan for the past week, not to mention, we already went through the decision making process and determined it was a better plan to spend $10-12K for the "better" place, but it is what it is. We can't mortgage away our future, and there is no guarantee, no matter the cost-how true. Part of me is a little relieved as this new option is certainly more cost effective, but I just want him to get what he needs...anyway...
The "private" thing with the kids is still a struggle, as I totally agree I never want them to think any of this is their fault or that there is any shame in any of it, but at the same time, the "teachers are not supposed to have problems" thing with his job is hard to balance when it comes to the privacy issue and we live in a state where even teachers are at will employees...still thinking on this one.
All of this helps, and we/I will figure it all out. For now I am just in survival mode-decision making, logistics, and trying to stay hopeful and supportive for him and the kids (twisted? maybe, but I feel like it ups his chances if he has support through this treatment process). When he is gone I will have more time to process my feelings (especially the infidelity/relationship stuff) and more focus on me in the context of his addictions, hopefully he starts the process (again) of learning how to manage his addictions, and then once home on top of all the after care, group, AA stuff we will have to work on getting the trust/intimacy/relationship stuff back on track (if that is what we both want)...I know none of this is going to be easy, and unfortunately I know that even when people supposedly really want to heal from/learn to manage their addictions, all the desire and therapy in the world doesn't always work. But sometimes it does. He never wanted anything more than he wants this now, for him, not just for us, but he also has never had more self loathing, and I realize that is a viscious beast that can drive addiction-I think it has in him for decades... For today he is doing the right thing, and I can feel good about how I am handling things, so I guess we'll see what happens.
Sincerely-thanks again!
My son had a therapy appointment tonite (ADHD) so I co-opted the first half to tap her brain-she didn't have a lot of concrete advice other than to keep it simple and positive and encouraged us to tap into the facility for their advice on telling the kids, but I actually feel more at peace about it having had a chance to process things with her, knowing she can see both my kids for support while he is gone, if needed (of course I worry my son's own emotional dysregulation and behaviors may escalate). She also affirmed that him taking responsibility and seeking treatment is positive (well beats the alternative, I guess) which is useful in getting me in the right mind set for supporting them through this. I also looked up the book you recommended, and think I will see if I can get it in town and if not, order it-thank you for that.
You are all correct about the red flags/wheelbarrow of crap/I'm not processing my feelings/I should get tested stuff. I know that if I heard "my story" from someone else, my advice would be RUN, so thanks for not saying that quite so blatantly. Of course, as I know you all know, real life is messier and more complicated...
On the treatment center, I was really convinced this was the best place to be, and that $10-15K was a hardship but doable-"the big guns"/best shot/gotta make it work. Well-turns out the insurance coverage will be much crappier and costs much less predictable as a result-usual triangle of insurance-provider nightmare-no way to know if we will owe $15, 20, 22, or more and no way to find out until after treatment has been rendered. SO...we are back to considering the place we previously looked at with much better coverage/lower cost, but that we had come to think of as "crappy". I know that the recovery stats don't really mean anything-all that matters is whether YOUR loved one finds a way to manage their addiction, but the "world renound" place touted an 80% success rate while this place is only 57%. I am somewhat nervous/bummed about this, and getting "the plan" changed is a struggle for me when I am feeling so out of control and have been getting on board with this plan for the past week, not to mention, we already went through the decision making process and determined it was a better plan to spend $10-12K for the "better" place, but it is what it is. We can't mortgage away our future, and there is no guarantee, no matter the cost-how true. Part of me is a little relieved as this new option is certainly more cost effective, but I just want him to get what he needs...anyway...
The "private" thing with the kids is still a struggle, as I totally agree I never want them to think any of this is their fault or that there is any shame in any of it, but at the same time, the "teachers are not supposed to have problems" thing with his job is hard to balance when it comes to the privacy issue and we live in a state where even teachers are at will employees...still thinking on this one.
All of this helps, and we/I will figure it all out. For now I am just in survival mode-decision making, logistics, and trying to stay hopeful and supportive for him and the kids (twisted? maybe, but I feel like it ups his chances if he has support through this treatment process). When he is gone I will have more time to process my feelings (especially the infidelity/relationship stuff) and more focus on me in the context of his addictions, hopefully he starts the process (again) of learning how to manage his addictions, and then once home on top of all the after care, group, AA stuff we will have to work on getting the trust/intimacy/relationship stuff back on track (if that is what we both want)...I know none of this is going to be easy, and unfortunately I know that even when people supposedly really want to heal from/learn to manage their addictions, all the desire and therapy in the world doesn't always work. But sometimes it does. He never wanted anything more than he wants this now, for him, not just for us, but he also has never had more self loathing, and I realize that is a viscious beast that can drive addiction-I think it has in him for decades... For today he is doing the right thing, and I can feel good about how I am handling things, so I guess we'll see what happens.
Sincerely-thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I can only share what I have experienced. When my husband went away for treatment and later when he went away because he relapsed my kids were too little to really understand that daddy was gone. At least my daughter. My son? I told him daddy went away to be better, if he asked. He was about two at the time. When daddy went away because I kicked him out, I tole both kids that daddy went to go visit his father in Florida. Sort of the truth - he was living with his dad at the time. They missed him but were not terrible upset.
When I went into treatment for three weeks because I am also an alcoholic both children were told that mommy is sick, she will be okay but the doctor wants to make sure she is okay. I have no idea to this day what my parents told the school or our sitter at the time. The sitter I am sure was told by either my parents or the kids. She was forever awkward afterwards and we have a new sitter but I think that she likes to drink and I am certain that her husband is an alcoholic. She didn't want to see. They missed me. I talked to them as much as I could. They still remember. And it keeps me going because I don't want them to feel that I have left them again.
Hugs. It stinks. For everyone around.
When I went into treatment for three weeks because I am also an alcoholic both children were told that mommy is sick, she will be okay but the doctor wants to make sure she is okay. I have no idea to this day what my parents told the school or our sitter at the time. The sitter I am sure was told by either my parents or the kids. She was forever awkward afterwards and we have a new sitter but I think that she likes to drink and I am certain that her husband is an alcoholic. She didn't want to see. They missed me. I talked to them as much as I could. They still remember. And it keeps me going because I don't want them to feel that I have left them again.
Hugs. It stinks. For everyone around.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Oh, and I have talked to both kids in age appropriate ways that sometimes people drink things or take things that they shouldn't that make them sick. Mommy can't drink alcohol because it makes her sick. As they get older i will talk more to them but for now it is what they understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I too was very frustrated that I could not be told the costs up front. One thing they did when my husband got there was a physical. Ok..that is good. What amazed me was the prices they charged for basic stuff. One pill that he was taking that would have been a $25 charge for a months supply they charged $42 per pill. I sure did not know that in advance! So while I encourage rehab..goodness knows...I encourage the right rehab. Go there, tour, talk to people who are there and people who are leaving. Had we done that we never would have chosen the place we did.
Also, please know those crazy success rates? Those rates are very loosely monitored and those places put out big numbers then later you realize it is not always so. I would not get too caught up in that.
Blessings!
Also, please know those crazy success rates? Those rates are very loosely monitored and those places put out big numbers then later you realize it is not always so. I would not get too caught up in that.
Blessings!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Thanks again for all your support. I thought I would post an update.
We have decided on the in-network, much cheaper rehab place, although it is 3.5 hours from home. Most of the logistics are sorted out. He picked up his letter that will get him his FMLA leave today. He goes in on the 20th. His second job finishes on the 17th, so I think we will tell the kids that Sunday night, so they will have a few days to process it before he leaves. We are still sorting out what is the best way to tell them, what to say...I will have to update on that later.
He seems to be doing well. Here is what I am most proud of. I was scheduled to be out of town Nov 5-10. I was SO SCARED to be gone-leaving him home alone (me being gone is a major trigger/"opportunity" for him, he is under a lot of stress with this second job right now (helped trigger the relapse), and "last hurrah" has always been a trigger, and of course, he knows rehab is just around the corner.) I seriously considered cancelling my trip, but it was really important for my job that I go, plus my sister was flying out for the weekend so we could have 2 days of "girl time" together-these plans were in place for a long time and we have not done something like that for years. Hubby has been going to AA every morning is is really throwing himself into getting things right this time, and earning back my trust/our marriage/his family. He swore he would be okay, but I was also worried I'd have a misserable time worrying about him-especially the weekend part. I ended up setting up before and after school sitters for all the weekdays (because he is working and going to AA) and my parents (who know about the impending rehab) agreed to come for the weekend. Hubby was not super happy about this, but I emphasized that I needed to do this and keep my plans and have them there FOR ME. They ended up enjoying each others company, got a ton of work done-oil changes, snow tires, x-mas lites up, snowblower ready, etc. to position us well for his absence, he stayed sober, and once the work part of my trip was over, I had a wonderful time with my sister! I hardly worried about him, and I got some WELL-DESERVED sleep and relaxation which has been desparately needed over the past few weeks, and will need to ride me through another several more stressful weeks upcoming, alone. I am feeling like I might make it through things again.
We still need to sort out how/what to tell the kids, but we will figure it out, and I am stressing a little about how we can manage to swing the Saturday morning family program-it is for 12+ and my kiddos are barely 7 and 10. They said they might make an exception since we are coming from so far away, and they will want to ensure he gets visitation with his family, but we will have to figure that all out. I am not sure I want my kids in the family program and seeing/hearing what they might see and hear there, since he has not drank/used in front of them for many years-I am feeling protective of them. I did the family program when he did OP txt and a lot gets said there that I do not think is what I need my 1st grader hearing). Also, we would either have to go the night before and pay for a hotel or leave by5am for a 3.5-4 hour drive to get their in time for the family program, then do the program, lunch, then the visit, and then another 3.5-4 hours home again. It is a lot to put on me and them every weekend for a month. I am commited to making maybe 3 visits, but was thinking more of skipping the family program and just getting there by 1pm for visitation. I am also thinking of not visiting on Thanksgiving. He is supposed to have no contact for 7 days, which would mean we COULD visit on Thanksgiving, but I want to spend the holiday with my family-I think we/I NEED that-not giving up our holiday for 8 hours of traveling. I am thinking instead that he will go 10 days without seeing us and then we will visit on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, and the weekend after, and then he would go 10 days again without a visit until we pick him up. Actually, we would probably go (or at least I would) for a family "session" on a weekday sometime during that last 10 days. Is that a reasonable amount of visits to support him during 28 days? Drop off, pick-up, and 2-3 visits? It's just so much on me between work and kids and holidays, and 8 hours of driving each time. Of course we will call and send letters as allowed on the off days.
Thanks again for your support. I am proud of myself for being able to enjoy my time away from him and being able to stand up for what I need during this difficult time. I think I am going to run my visiting ideas past him tonite (or tomorrow) to see how he reacts.
We have decided on the in-network, much cheaper rehab place, although it is 3.5 hours from home. Most of the logistics are sorted out. He picked up his letter that will get him his FMLA leave today. He goes in on the 20th. His second job finishes on the 17th, so I think we will tell the kids that Sunday night, so they will have a few days to process it before he leaves. We are still sorting out what is the best way to tell them, what to say...I will have to update on that later.
He seems to be doing well. Here is what I am most proud of. I was scheduled to be out of town Nov 5-10. I was SO SCARED to be gone-leaving him home alone (me being gone is a major trigger/"opportunity" for him, he is under a lot of stress with this second job right now (helped trigger the relapse), and "last hurrah" has always been a trigger, and of course, he knows rehab is just around the corner.) I seriously considered cancelling my trip, but it was really important for my job that I go, plus my sister was flying out for the weekend so we could have 2 days of "girl time" together-these plans were in place for a long time and we have not done something like that for years. Hubby has been going to AA every morning is is really throwing himself into getting things right this time, and earning back my trust/our marriage/his family. He swore he would be okay, but I was also worried I'd have a misserable time worrying about him-especially the weekend part. I ended up setting up before and after school sitters for all the weekdays (because he is working and going to AA) and my parents (who know about the impending rehab) agreed to come for the weekend. Hubby was not super happy about this, but I emphasized that I needed to do this and keep my plans and have them there FOR ME. They ended up enjoying each others company, got a ton of work done-oil changes, snow tires, x-mas lites up, snowblower ready, etc. to position us well for his absence, he stayed sober, and once the work part of my trip was over, I had a wonderful time with my sister! I hardly worried about him, and I got some WELL-DESERVED sleep and relaxation which has been desparately needed over the past few weeks, and will need to ride me through another several more stressful weeks upcoming, alone. I am feeling like I might make it through things again.
We still need to sort out how/what to tell the kids, but we will figure it out, and I am stressing a little about how we can manage to swing the Saturday morning family program-it is for 12+ and my kiddos are barely 7 and 10. They said they might make an exception since we are coming from so far away, and they will want to ensure he gets visitation with his family, but we will have to figure that all out. I am not sure I want my kids in the family program and seeing/hearing what they might see and hear there, since he has not drank/used in front of them for many years-I am feeling protective of them. I did the family program when he did OP txt and a lot gets said there that I do not think is what I need my 1st grader hearing). Also, we would either have to go the night before and pay for a hotel or leave by5am for a 3.5-4 hour drive to get their in time for the family program, then do the program, lunch, then the visit, and then another 3.5-4 hours home again. It is a lot to put on me and them every weekend for a month. I am commited to making maybe 3 visits, but was thinking more of skipping the family program and just getting there by 1pm for visitation. I am also thinking of not visiting on Thanksgiving. He is supposed to have no contact for 7 days, which would mean we COULD visit on Thanksgiving, but I want to spend the holiday with my family-I think we/I NEED that-not giving up our holiday for 8 hours of traveling. I am thinking instead that he will go 10 days without seeing us and then we will visit on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, and the weekend after, and then he would go 10 days again without a visit until we pick him up. Actually, we would probably go (or at least I would) for a family "session" on a weekday sometime during that last 10 days. Is that a reasonable amount of visits to support him during 28 days? Drop off, pick-up, and 2-3 visits? It's just so much on me between work and kids and holidays, and 8 hours of driving each time. Of course we will call and send letters as allowed on the off days.
Thanks again for your support. I am proud of myself for being able to enjoy my time away from him and being able to stand up for what I need during this difficult time. I think I am going to run my visiting ideas past him tonite (or tomorrow) to see how he reacts.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you!!! I have been thinking about you! So happy you got some R&R and sister time. That is something to pat you on the back for! I have cancelled many trips and things over the years...I understand.
Once my AH got to rehab he did not want our kids to come and me either for that matter. He said it was his issue and that he did not think it was a place our kids needed to be exposed to. We did separate counseling with them here in our town. (My AH too went about 4 hours away to rehab).
You will work out what to tell your kids. They are much more resilliant than we give them credit for. My children were relieved dad was getting some help and I made sure we did some fun things while he was gone and they did speak to him on the phone alot. I also had my sister come stay with me for about the first 4 days just to have some family support. We had fun and my kids did too.
I wish you lots of peace and serenity during this time. Hugs!
Once my AH got to rehab he did not want our kids to come and me either for that matter. He said it was his issue and that he did not think it was a place our kids needed to be exposed to. We did separate counseling with them here in our town. (My AH too went about 4 hours away to rehab).
You will work out what to tell your kids. They are much more resilliant than we give them credit for. My children were relieved dad was getting some help and I made sure we did some fun things while he was gone and they did speak to him on the phone alot. I also had my sister come stay with me for about the first 4 days just to have some family support. We had fun and my kids did too.
I wish you lots of peace and serenity during this time. Hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
you sound very organized!
i never went to family weekend. i am surprised you are considering to visist him at least three times in 28 days. you stated you are stressed and its 8 hiurs of driving. what happens if you dont go and let him walk this alone?
you sound very organized!
i never went to family weekend. i am surprised you are considering to visist him at least three times in 28 days. you stated you are stressed and its 8 hiurs of driving. what happens if you dont go and let him walk this alone?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
All rehabs are not the same. My son attended many different ones and the higher priced ones are usually much better when it comes to food, activities, therapy and rules. Some of the State run facilities are run like jail. Some rehabs are more geared to helping family members than others. I often see here that the type of rehab doesn't matter but that it not true.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I hope this all works out well for you. Yes, there are different rehab facilities with different approaches, etc., but I think the most important thing is whether or not he is motivated.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
[QUOTE=lillamy;4287508]I hope this all works out well for you. Yes, there are different rehab facilities with different approaches, etc., but I think the most important thing is whether or not he is motivated.
I agree to some extent but some people need more mental help type treatment. Of course, the state run facilities do not provide this comprehensive approach as it is too expensive.
I agree to some extent but some people need more mental help type treatment. Of course, the state run facilities do not provide this comprehensive approach as it is too expensive.
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