My husband said he's done with me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
My husband said he's done with me.
I'm so upset I can hardly type. My hands won't stop shaking.
My husband has had problems with binge drinking throughout our marriage. Last year during a bad month he was arrested 3 times for drunk in public-type offenses. Then he was sober for six months until he got a DUI and lost his license. The last six months have been hell. He sleeps all the time when he's not at work. At random he seems drunk/high but denies it. A few weeks ago I was sick and I guess I woke him up from my snoring so I woke up to him screaming at me. I jumped up with the baby and tripped in the dark and I guess I wasn't moving fast enough so he grabbed me by the hair. He's also been really verbally abusive and called me the c-word so many times lately I can't even count.
He always says I'm oppressive and that I drive him to it. Saturday night he wanted to go to a party and asked me to go to my mom's. I did. The next morning when we spoke he sounded really drunk but when I got home he denied it. I looked through the garbage and found a bottle cap.
Tonight he says he's sick of my oppression and that although he's contributed to it, he can't live with me anymore and he's sick of me.
I think he means it this time. I'm scared and sad that it's not me making the decision because I should have been gone long ago.
Why do I feel bad and a little bit guilty for "oppressing" him? Why am I trying to keep this marriage together? Someone who's been through this please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just yesterday I was sure I was ready to leave HIM, but now that it's real I'm afraid.
My husband has had problems with binge drinking throughout our marriage. Last year during a bad month he was arrested 3 times for drunk in public-type offenses. Then he was sober for six months until he got a DUI and lost his license. The last six months have been hell. He sleeps all the time when he's not at work. At random he seems drunk/high but denies it. A few weeks ago I was sick and I guess I woke him up from my snoring so I woke up to him screaming at me. I jumped up with the baby and tripped in the dark and I guess I wasn't moving fast enough so he grabbed me by the hair. He's also been really verbally abusive and called me the c-word so many times lately I can't even count.
He always says I'm oppressive and that I drive him to it. Saturday night he wanted to go to a party and asked me to go to my mom's. I did. The next morning when we spoke he sounded really drunk but when I got home he denied it. I looked through the garbage and found a bottle cap.
Tonight he says he's sick of my oppression and that although he's contributed to it, he can't live with me anymore and he's sick of me.
I think he means it this time. I'm scared and sad that it's not me making the decision because I should have been gone long ago.
Why do I feel bad and a little bit guilty for "oppressing" him? Why am I trying to keep this marriage together? Someone who's been through this please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just yesterday I was sure I was ready to leave HIM, but now that it's real I'm afraid.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
don't be afraid, Emmy. This man is hurting you, and every second you spend with him increases the chance that you will be a statistic. Get out NOW while he is willing and be the mother that the baby deserves.
You are being given an enormous gift - the chance to start over and make better decisions. Take advantage of it.
You are being given an enormous gift - the chance to start over and make better decisions. Take advantage of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I tried reading as fast as I could through your post. It is sounding like he knows that you have had it and are ready to leave, so he is trying to dump the guilt trip on you. This way you stay around and try to defend your "rightness", but all that actually happened, was that he got you to stay around.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Emmy,
I went through all of this stuff. You are probably a little bit into acceptance, but still trying to go back to the denial stage. It seems that you might be looking for validation, and he just took that away from you, and you are the one feeling bad right now.
I hear you. I'm with you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
I went through all of this stuff. You are probably a little bit into acceptance, but still trying to go back to the denial stage. It seems that you might be looking for validation, and he just took that away from you, and you are the one feeling bad right now.
I hear you. I'm with you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
He's acting really cold and just like he doesn't care about me at all. He says he's just done and wants away from me and he can't wait until someone else has to deal with me. I HAVE been a worried and oppressive because of his drinking. I know at times I go overboard. I am a loyal wife. Ill get up at 5 am to make his lunch. It's never enough. I know I'm better than what I put up with. I still cling to the dream of keeping my family together and how sad it is that we won't have Christmas together. He says I'm the reason he sleeps all the time because I suck the life out of him.
I'm good at my job, I thought contributing to the household would make him
Happier but he's miserable. He wants to go where he wants when he wants without me worrying.
I'm good at my job, I thought contributing to the household would make him
Happier but he's miserable. He wants to go where he wants when he wants without me worrying.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I do know how you feel, I was married for 27 years, and he turned into that cold, detached person. Just know that it is not you. I kept trying and trying to make things better, nothing satisfied him.
If its not one thing its still another. He needs to blame you so that he doesn't have to look at himself. You are dealing with verbal abuse and emotional abuse. That stuff can destroy you. I've been there, I got through it, and I will be here for you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
If its not one thing its still another. He needs to blame you so that he doesn't have to look at himself. You are dealing with verbal abuse and emotional abuse. That stuff can destroy you. I've been there, I got through it, and I will be here for you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Emmy,
Can I just say that I think you made a really strong important first step, you recognize that things aren't right, and you are looking for answers.
You really are very impressive. I can already see that you are a wonderful, caring, intelligent, delightful person. I'm sure I missed many adjectives in there, I just am really happy that you came here to talk, because there are so many of us here that were where you are, or going through the same thing.
You are so strong. You may not feel that way right now, and that's ok.
You can lean on us.
Can I just say that I think you made a really strong important first step, you recognize that things aren't right, and you are looking for answers.
You really are very impressive. I can already see that you are a wonderful, caring, intelligent, delightful person. I'm sure I missed many adjectives in there, I just am really happy that you came here to talk, because there are so many of us here that were where you are, or going through the same thing.
You are so strong. You may not feel that way right now, and that's ok.
You can lean on us.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Have heard that I am oppressive, too.
Things can be rough that way.
Oppressing them and all during our spare time is hard work and all.
Maybe next time you go to your mom's -- you just stay there?
Things can be rough that way.
Oppressing them and all during our spare time is hard work and all.
Maybe next time you go to your mom's -- you just stay there?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hi Emmy,
Welcome. I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm so glad you found us.
Please know that you are not the first person to be abandoned by an alcoholic abuser. We codependents often stick it out until the bitter end, even when we question our relationships.
My ex thought that his ex wife was oppressive. When he realized that I am very sweet, but that he "needs to find himself and that's how he's going to get sober,""ALL RELATIONSHIPS" became oppressive.
I still felt guilty for that, even though he tried to tell me that it wasn't me. I still felt like *I* messed everything up. Maybe my X really does need to be single to get sober, but I've come to realize that says WAY more about him than it does about me.
How old is your baby? Mine is almost 18 months. It will be so hard to do the holidays as a split family, for all of us going through this. It's for the best though. We all deserve to be treated with respect and love. We can't make our holidays perfect, but we can make them the best possible.
You will be going through the grief cycle, no doubt, but we are here for you. Life is gonna get better. (((Hugs)))
Welcome. I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm so glad you found us.
Please know that you are not the first person to be abandoned by an alcoholic abuser. We codependents often stick it out until the bitter end, even when we question our relationships.
My ex thought that his ex wife was oppressive. When he realized that I am very sweet, but that he "needs to find himself and that's how he's going to get sober,""ALL RELATIONSHIPS" became oppressive.
I still felt guilty for that, even though he tried to tell me that it wasn't me. I still felt like *I* messed everything up. Maybe my X really does need to be single to get sober, but I've come to realize that says WAY more about him than it does about me.
How old is your baby? Mine is almost 18 months. It will be so hard to do the holidays as a split family, for all of us going through this. It's for the best though. We all deserve to be treated with respect and love. We can't make our holidays perfect, but we can make them the best possible.
You will be going through the grief cycle, no doubt, but we are here for you. Life is gonna get better. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
He's acting really cold and just like he doesn't care about me at all. He says he's just done and wants away from me and he can't wait until someone else has to deal with me. I HAVE been a worried and oppressive because of his drinking. I know at times I go overboard. I am a loyal wife. Ill get up at 5 am to make his lunch. It's never enough. I know I'm better than what I put up with. I still cling to the dream of keeping my family together and how sad it is that we won't have Christmas together. He says I'm the reason he sleeps all the time because I suck the life out of him.
I'm good at my job, I thought contributing to the household would make him
Happier but he's miserable. He wants to go where he wants when he wants without me worrying.
I'm good at my job, I thought contributing to the household would make him
Happier but he's miserable. He wants to go where he wants when he wants without me worrying.
He's not tired of your "oppression" - that's just another lie and load of bs. What he is tired of is not being able to drink constantly and excessively with no consequences, with no one to answer to or be accountable to.
It must feel like a total slap in the face to be told "it's over" by someone who deserves to hear that very thing from YOU... but it could be the best thing he's ever done "for" you.
I am married myself, but have reached my limit regarding taking abuse. Even when not drinking, he is an abusive jerk.
I feel for you. I enjoy doing thoughtful things for my partner. You mentioned things like waking at the crack of dawn to make his food. That's the kind of thing I don't mind doing, either - and its a shame that the thoughtfulness is never reciprocated. Frankly I don't find myself going out of my way much these days.
A helpful thing I asked myself:
Do you want HIM, or do you just want a close, loving relationship?
I ENJOY being in a relationship. I enjoy the companionship, I enjoy doing things with and for my partner. It's not that I can't function when single - in some ways it's a lot easier, since you can think more of your own self and your own goals and needs without factoring in how your path would affect a partner. But, I do ENJOY being in a relationship.
Sometimes you can lose sight and think - consciously or not - that a relationship is better than not being in one. What is missing is the word "healthy". A toxic relationship is worse for you than being single and feeling lonely.
If you value yourself, you have a much better chance of finding a partner who will also value you.
I feel for you and can relate a lot as far as the way you are describing being treated.
Sending you strength, positivity, and wishes for peace. You are stronger than you think!
Take care of YOU. You deserve it and are worth it!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Emmy, I am sorry you are going through this. Know that you are strong. As prior posters have said, you are not oppressing him. He is the person with the problem. He is an abusive alcoholic. If you can leave with your baby, even if it is for a little while, I would suggest you do so for the time being. You don't have to make it a "forever" decision. It can be just enough to get your bearings and feel safe and comfortable.
I have been through this with my AH. He was acting much the same as your husband. The fits of name calling, sleeping all the time, threats. I was a bit&h because I was keeping him from his bottle and his all night sprees. He did them anyway so how oppressive is that?
At any rate, it was about this time of year and it all blew up. He was actively using, going on drunken rampages. I had done all I could to make him happy and it was never enough. I hung on thinking about missing Christmas as a family. Those precious perfect dreams of togetherness and happiness.
One night while he was drunk out of his mind and high as a kite he stormed around the house, threatened to break my nose, kicked the front door in after he had first stormed out and I had locked it. Called me the "c" word and again left. The nextmorning he came back. I called the police but they would not take him out so I left. My dad came and got me and our two year old son. We stayed for three months with my parents.
My AH and i spent Christmas together for the sake of our son. It was the most depressing thing I have ever done in my life. A total farce. We were still separated but put up a tree. The house was filthy, dark and smelly because he was still drunk all the time and couldn't be bothered. It was quiet and this horrible pall hung over everything where there should have been laughter and good cheer. Never again was what I said.
You need not accept this. In some place you know this is not how you are meant to live. You are a good and caring person but to someone lost in madness this is never enough and seeming small things are seen as oppressive. It isn't you, it is him. If you can leave, take a break. Don't hold onto fantasy dreams of Christmas together.
I have been through this with my AH. He was acting much the same as your husband. The fits of name calling, sleeping all the time, threats. I was a bit&h because I was keeping him from his bottle and his all night sprees. He did them anyway so how oppressive is that?
At any rate, it was about this time of year and it all blew up. He was actively using, going on drunken rampages. I had done all I could to make him happy and it was never enough. I hung on thinking about missing Christmas as a family. Those precious perfect dreams of togetherness and happiness.
One night while he was drunk out of his mind and high as a kite he stormed around the house, threatened to break my nose, kicked the front door in after he had first stormed out and I had locked it. Called me the "c" word and again left. The nextmorning he came back. I called the police but they would not take him out so I left. My dad came and got me and our two year old son. We stayed for three months with my parents.
My AH and i spent Christmas together for the sake of our son. It was the most depressing thing I have ever done in my life. A total farce. We were still separated but put up a tree. The house was filthy, dark and smelly because he was still drunk all the time and couldn't be bothered. It was quiet and this horrible pall hung over everything where there should have been laughter and good cheer. Never again was what I said.
You need not accept this. In some place you know this is not how you are meant to live. You are a good and caring person but to someone lost in madness this is never enough and seeming small things are seen as oppressive. It isn't you, it is him. If you can leave, take a break. Don't hold onto fantasy dreams of Christmas together.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Emmy, are you going to al anon or counseling.
Your A is an out of control, only a man out of control behaves in this way, he lies, blames, abuses, he lives to drink.
Calling you a **** and pulling your hair and whatever else he is doing to break you down is not okay. Not at all.
Let him go, he is a monster!
Begin your own journey of healing and be done with this horrible nightmare.
love to you Katie
Your A is an out of control, only a man out of control behaves in this way, he lies, blames, abuses, he lives to drink.
Calling you a **** and pulling your hair and whatever else he is doing to break you down is not okay. Not at all.
Let him go, he is a monster!
Begin your own journey of healing and be done with this horrible nightmare.
love to you Katie
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
dangerous signs shown
Originally Posted by EmmyG
he was arrested 3 times for drunk in public-type offenses
he got a DUI and lost his license
I woke up to him screaming at me
I jumped up with the baby and tripped in the dark
guess I wasn't moving fast enough so he grabbed me by the hair
He's also been really verbally abusive and called me the c-word
Tonight he says he's sick of my oppression and that although he's contributed to it, he can't live with me anymore and he's sick of me.
as long as this guy is drinking
there will be no end to the misery caused to the family unit
sobriety and intense counseling for the both of you
would be a must before a healthy new start could be engaged
calling our so called loved ones filthy dirty names and pulling their hair
are very dangerous signs shown
Mountainman
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O honey, you have not been oppressing him. He is quacking. He feels guilty and does not want to live up to what he is doing so he is shifting the blame on you. I am alarmed that he was pulling your hair and calling you things such as that. It will get worse if you had stayed. You have a baby to take care of, not two babies. Let him deal with himself and own his own bad behavior.
You take care of you and that sweet baby. Would you want your child treated like that or to treat someone else like that? If it stays this way that is what could happen later in life.
Keep us updated! God Bless!
You take care of you and that sweet baby. Would you want your child treated like that or to treat someone else like that? If it stays this way that is what could happen later in life.
Keep us updated! God Bless!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Emmy, thanks so much for sharing. I was also in a relationship with a binge drinker. We also had a child together. He was also abusive. People like your husband are great at making everything feel like your fault. They are practically experts at it. Because it's their job. Because if everything is your fault, then they can't be blamed for anything, and neither can their drinking. So that means they can keep drinking, because that's not really the problem (in their mind). Because their real job- and the purpose of all their blaming and quacking is defending their right and ability to drink.
Keep sharing. You're not alone here. As bad as things feel right now, there is someone here who has been through it and survived and thrived. Hugs to you and your sweet baby. Stay strong!
Keep sharing. You're not alone here. As bad as things feel right now, there is someone here who has been through it and survived and thrived. Hugs to you and your sweet baby. Stay strong!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I dont think we want to over whelm you with a 12 step program "stuff"
for starters...the 3C's
1: you did not cause this
2: you can not control it
3: and there is no cure...
what you see, is what you will get for the rest of your marriage, and that is real...
changes can not happen unless changes are made (by you)
this is YOUR choice...but please think of the baby and you for being in a healthy life...with or without your husband, this is the "MERRY A GO ROUND"(al anon pamphlet)
~your in my prayers
for starters...the 3C's
1: you did not cause this
2: you can not control it
3: and there is no cure...
what you see, is what you will get for the rest of your marriage, and that is real...
changes can not happen unless changes are made (by you)
this is YOUR choice...but please think of the baby and you for being in a healthy life...with or without your husband, this is the "MERRY A GO ROUND"(al anon pamphlet)
~your in my prayers
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thank you, thank you. I just posted a new thread, trying to work through this. I appreciate the kind words. It truly is a process going through this. You can read this board over and over, every day, but still not see the truth until you're ready to.
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