Wanting closure from ex who is recovering alcoholic...

Old 10-27-2013, 08:08 PM
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Wanting closure from ex who is recovering alcoholic...

First thank you again everyone for responding to my questions and concerns. Hearing perspectives from all walks of life helps tremendously. My first thread I discussed the conversation I had with my ex (now 4 months sober from alcohol) and wanting to understand the why's. But it would help if I could get some advice or perspectives on few other things we spoke about that day.

He said he still did not know what I liked about him. I said when I would tell you, you couldn't accept a compliment or just said 'well any guy can do that etc...' Well, when we spoke I felt that it might make things harder but assumptions aren't good. He at times indirectly wants an answer about something but will not always directly ask. Maybe he wanted to hear it with a different frame or for his own personal reasons. I would love to tell him I always tried to. Answering him now (in a letter of course) is honestly not for my own selfish reasons. I am not looking for him to respond or call me etc. Things will not all of a sudden change between us, I know that now. Thoughts on if it is okay to send him a letter telling him why?

Also, after all of the above-mentioned, towards end of conversation he asked me if there is anything else I needed to hear or know etc. I said all I needed was your honesty and I was not expecting an apology but it means so much you did. I said in order for me to move on I just want to tell you a few things and than I will let you go. His tone of voice changed slightly confused and said 'wait what do you mean when you say moving on?'

Now, he is very intelligent & seeing he broke up with me, he just told me he can't be in a relationship right now and says seeing me right now he is worried it will break his sobriety (said its not me its him)...I was not quite sure as to why he didn't understand what I meant when I said 'moving on?' So, all I did was tell him that I love him very much, he told me what I needed to know and hear, & all I want is for him to live a fulfilling life and for him to take care of himself. He again asked me what I meant by moving on? All I did was than ask him if he thinks we should talk anymore and than he said he didn't know and had to go. Do you think he knows what I meant by moving on? Or maybe not?
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:39 AM
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IMO, I would not send any letters. Write them, sure. Keep them as a journal type of purging or burn them or whatever, but I would not send them.

As far as the moving on part & whether he understands your meaning... in all honesty, I don't see why it matters.

I think in your prior threads you mentioned that he does AA - hopefully he has found a sponsor. That's who he needs to be talking this stuff over with, that's who can help him understand whatever may be causing confusion. JMHO but the longer you spend {even minutes or moments} worried about all this stuff from his perspective the more crazy-making it becomes.
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:30 PM
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It sounds like he maybe likes being liked and isn't ready/unselfish enough to let you get on with your life without him. Not to say he's being horrible, just that perhaps he isn't yet able to let go. You need to decide, therefore, whether you want to move on without him or talk about the possibility of waiting for him.

Whichever you decide, if it were me, I would need to do it quickly in order to start finding peace. I wouldn't send him a letter, I would do it in person if you are going to do it. Because if you send a letter, your head will then likely move on to wishing for a reply and waiting for one. At least if you do it in person, you will get an immediate response and can move on.

I know what it's like to want desperately to make contact. I currently have thrown away the charger to my phone so I cannot text my exAB! My head says one thing, my heart says another. A
Follow you head sweetie, it will look after you.
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Old 10-28-2013, 02:13 PM
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I would not be sending any letter to him.

4 months is very early in his recovery, so I don't imagine all the addict personality is out of his system, but what I see, and call it what you want, he is certainly trying to engage YOU. Some call it baiting, I call it set the hook, and reel you in.

The actual percentage of people who recover is very low, I would not be holding my breath. I would not be juggling any of the current fire balls he has tossed your way.

You say he is intelligent, well then he certainly can figure out what moving on means.

So my question is are you serious about moving on? Because if you are, no further words are needed.

Be careful.
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Old 11-04-2013, 10:55 AM
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Mindset... Marie1960

Thank you for encouraging me to not write a letter. I have not done so and I will not be doing it either. In regards to him acting like or saying he did not know what I meant by moving on...You stated that he still might have the personality of an addict and he was trying to engage me or take the bait and reel me in. How does an addict personality think in regards to what he did? Is he trying to get me to tell him exactly what I meant or? Sorry I was a little confused.
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Old 11-04-2013, 11:15 AM
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What is Very Hard for *us* to understand is that they do and say ALL sorts of crazy stuff they never expect to be held accountable for.

He may (in his mind) have never "really" broken up with you.

Do you follow? Totally nutty from the perspective of a sane and sober mind, but they tend to just make things up as they go along.
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Old 11-04-2013, 11:27 AM
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You mentioned in your previous thread that you were together 2 years. While it is often recommended in AA that people do not engage in NEW romantic relationships the first year, it is also recommended not making abrupt changes the first year either (and breaking up an existing relationship is a major change) yet he dumped you.
It sounds like some kind of quacking to me and trying to crack the door open to reel you back in.
What are you doing for yourself btw? It seems that you are still very eager to engage in with your ex over what was an unhealthy relationship. Are you secretly hoping that he ll be sober, sweep you off your feet and you two will get back together? \
In general, people who have moved on do not get into those kind of deep conversations or agonize about writing closure letters or not. They just get on with their lives.
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