Stuck between 2 Places.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Castle rock
Posts: 10
Stuck between 2 Places.
Hello, I will try to make my story as short as possible. I was with my XAB for about 4 years total. I could never except the drinking and had been clear from the start. I lived with him for about 8 months and could not stand it due to emotional abuse, blackouts, locked out, craziness, etc.... all that comes with the A so I moved out for me but also in hopes he'd get the message. He betrayed me by letting another girl move in almost immediately and cut me off from everything. This did not last and I gave him a second chance only for this scenario to be repeated 1 year later when I would not move back in with him cause he had not shown good faith in getting help. The woman he is with is low-life trailor trash.
The problem is it's been 5 months he's been back with this Ho and I am having trouble moving on. I really felt he loved me and I know I really loved him. I just find it hard to believe he could be happy with her. She is so different than me--I own my own business, motivated, upright citizen, attractive.....She had no home, wore out her welcome everywhere including her family, She's "hard" looking and ghetto mouthed, she put him in jail the 1st time around, She's near bottom of the barrel in morals, has an 18 year criminal record????? What the hell! think he would learn a lesson the 1st time around?
Last week he came into the grocery store I was in (that he never goes to) saw my car, came in and said "Hi Misty" I was sooo shocked he even had the balls!
In short, I responded, "you have a lot of nerve speaking to me, You screwed me over 2wice, don't ever speak to me again" His face contorted in like 5 different ways--first hurt in his eyes to confusion to almost laughter==yes he was drunk. I know I did the right thing for him and me. Tough love. but do you know how hard that was--I still feel love for him but have my pride and all trust is Gone. How do I get over him? Did he ever love me? Were all those words he said a lie? The "I love you, want to marry you, your the girl of my dreams etc...Was I scammed the whole time?
Need to let go and move on and find a good guy--a really good guy. Just don't know how to stop loving him? HE obviously has no trouble moving on. Any insights?
The problem is it's been 5 months he's been back with this Ho and I am having trouble moving on. I really felt he loved me and I know I really loved him. I just find it hard to believe he could be happy with her. She is so different than me--I own my own business, motivated, upright citizen, attractive.....She had no home, wore out her welcome everywhere including her family, She's "hard" looking and ghetto mouthed, she put him in jail the 1st time around, She's near bottom of the barrel in morals, has an 18 year criminal record????? What the hell! think he would learn a lesson the 1st time around?
Last week he came into the grocery store I was in (that he never goes to) saw my car, came in and said "Hi Misty" I was sooo shocked he even had the balls!
In short, I responded, "you have a lot of nerve speaking to me, You screwed me over 2wice, don't ever speak to me again" His face contorted in like 5 different ways--first hurt in his eyes to confusion to almost laughter==yes he was drunk. I know I did the right thing for him and me. Tough love. but do you know how hard that was--I still feel love for him but have my pride and all trust is Gone. How do I get over him? Did he ever love me? Were all those words he said a lie? The "I love you, want to marry you, your the girl of my dreams etc...Was I scammed the whole time?
Need to let go and move on and find a good guy--a really good guy. Just don't know how to stop loving him? HE obviously has no trouble moving on. Any insights?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
He's shown you who he really is. Believe him. It's okay to mourn a relationship you thought was something that it turned out not to be. Addicts are not relationship material. They will latch onto something they think is a good thing, drain the life out of it, and then move on.
You deserve so much better, but you'll never find it if you keep hanging on to this guy. Take some time to mourn and then move on. He has nothing to offer you.
You deserve so much better, but you'll never find it if you keep hanging on to this guy. Take some time to mourn and then move on. He has nothing to offer you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
So sorry your are hurting. It sounds like maybe he just doesn't know what love is. That with you, he had a shot at living a 'normal' life - marriage, kids etc. The only trouble was that his drinking comes first and therefore he is not able to love in the way a healthy person wants and needs.
It's not your fault, he has chosen to take up with a woman who will complement his drinking lifestyle. You won't be able to get through to him at all. His drinking will always come first and he has chosen someone who will enable him to continue. That's not you and that's a good thing. It's confirmation that you are healthy, attractive and capable of real love. He saw that and ran in the other direction because he would have to stop drinking to live that life with you.
My prayers are with you. I know it's hard. Read my started threads (go on my profile to look), I am only now staring to feel the pain lessen. Let yourself cry, let yourself feel it. It helps. Then find someway to make yourself feel gorgeous - a new hair cut and make over with a friend was my solution!
It's not your fault, he has chosen to take up with a woman who will complement his drinking lifestyle. You won't be able to get through to him at all. His drinking will always come first and he has chosen someone who will enable him to continue. That's not you and that's a good thing. It's confirmation that you are healthy, attractive and capable of real love. He saw that and ran in the other direction because he would have to stop drinking to live that life with you.
My prayers are with you. I know it's hard. Read my started threads (go on my profile to look), I am only now staring to feel the pain lessen. Let yourself cry, let yourself feel it. It helps. Then find someway to make yourself feel gorgeous - a new hair cut and make over with a friend was my solution!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Castle rock
Posts: 10
Hi Shil, did read through your beg. posts and it and the responses to it helped. How did it work out with your AB? One difference is mine drank most of the time with 3 months in the beginning sober, a week here, a day there, but drank way more than yours. He got worse and worse as he failed, failed to want it. The decline I saw over 4 years is just incredible mentally, morally, Physically (I swear he aged 10 years).
Sukki, Love the quotes under your post. Thanks for being blunt. I respect that.
Sukki, Love the quotes under your post. Thanks for being blunt. I respect that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Castle rock
Posts: 10
PS Why did you think he came up to me in the grocery store after what he did. Kinda pissed me off. I blocked him on everything after the incident phone, text, email. Was he just drunk and delusional or did he actually think he could just strike up a conversation after the betrayal? Or just playing "the game"?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Hi MistyM,are you involved in AlAnon??? I think you would gain a lot of support in AlAnon as you move forward and learn to let go. Don't worry about his current girlfriend, if anything...feel sorry for her. He likely meant what he said when he loved you, but they love their addiction more. You will never be first in an A's life, the alcohol will. That new girl isn't first either, but for now she may make his addiction easier for him.
Find an AlAnon group near you....and start to move forward in a healthy way.
Find an AlAnon group near you....and start to move forward in a healthy way.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello MistyM, Welcome!
The eternal 'why' when it comes to an active alcoholic always seems unanswerable to me. Why did he come up to you in the store? Who knows--you said he was drunk, and if he was, he probably wouldn't (in that condition) feel the same need to avoid an 'ex' that someone else might feel.
Here is a thread about 'hooks' that you might find applies to your situation. Hooks are those things that an active alcoholic or addict will do to keep their enablers in line.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Just know that you are worth much better treatment!
The eternal 'why' when it comes to an active alcoholic always seems unanswerable to me. Why did he come up to you in the store? Who knows--you said he was drunk, and if he was, he probably wouldn't (in that condition) feel the same need to avoid an 'ex' that someone else might feel.
Here is a thread about 'hooks' that you might find applies to your situation. Hooks are those things that an active alcoholic or addict will do to keep their enablers in line.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Just know that you are worth much better treatment!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Hi Misty;
I'm sorry you are suffering. I had an XABF who also went off with a lowlife to party. Had to put his stuff out and have his sister come get his dog.
His "check ins" with me were, in hindsight, to try to "keep an escape hatch open" as things went south in his personal life. To be blunt, I was a potential meal ticket / crash pad and he wanted to have somewhere to go. You said he looks like he's aged 10 years and things are going downhill.
My advice is to not speak or have any contact at all with him no matter what. If he thinks there is a crack in the door he may try to get his foot in down the road and not because he cares about you, I'm sorry to say. Be strong and best wishes.
I'm sorry you are suffering. I had an XABF who also went off with a lowlife to party. Had to put his stuff out and have his sister come get his dog.
His "check ins" with me were, in hindsight, to try to "keep an escape hatch open" as things went south in his personal life. To be blunt, I was a potential meal ticket / crash pad and he wanted to have somewhere to go. You said he looks like he's aged 10 years and things are going downhill.
My advice is to not speak or have any contact at all with him no matter what. If he thinks there is a crack in the door he may try to get his foot in down the road and not because he cares about you, I'm sorry to say. Be strong and best wishes.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Do not engage, walk away from him. He did you a favor. Obviously he has shown you who he truly is. He has saved you from marrying into that kind of life. I know it does not help to hear this now, but it would have been a life of hell. Walk away and keep looking for a man who is interested in only you, who treats you with respect, kindness and love.
You are better than that. Let him stay with those women, sounds like they are a match made in heaven.
Good Luck and God Bless!
You are better than that. Let him stay with those women, sounds like they are a match made in heaven.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Castle rock
Posts: 10
Thanx for all your posts. I am moving on day by day. It's hard the reality of it all--all a lie and all about HIM. Seren I shared the "Hooks" article with a few friends. some apply, some don't. Hopeful: I know I'm better off but 4 years of my life I was deceived--it still hurts like a son of a bitch at times But every day gets better. Hawkeye I have cut all contact blocked all phones voice & text. that's why I was shocked he came up to me. I think I sent a clear message. I think your right about trying to keep a foot in the door on the downward spiral. He left this girl before cause he could not stand her and it's bound to happen again but he can find another girl to rebound to! Thax to all.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Misty, you asked if you were scammed. Sounds to me like you with with an active alkie, and experienced the unacceptable behavior that most of us have also endured. He is an addict, and was simply doing what addicts do.
Yes, you do need to move on, but before you run off and find a good guy, I would suggest you take a time out and get to know yourself again. Living in addiction we tend to lose ourselves, and often we go from the pan to the fire, we end up in the same dead end situation.
For future reference, I would make a list of qualities that you are looking for in a partner, and I would hold myself to that list. You certainly know what you NEVER want to experience again.
IMHO, you are giving this other woman way too much power and control over your thoughts. Forget about her, she is a NON-ISSUE, you are not helping yourself if you are dwelling on her character, or lack of character.
If you really want to move forward, I can only suggest you forget about both of them, and turn your focus inward. YOU are the one that is currently hurting, you are the one searching for answers, You are the one trying to go forward here, not him, and not her.
I had to get real honest with myself. Like you, I was hurting and pissed, but when I accepted my role in living aboard the crazy train, the hurt began to fade, the person I was most upset with was ME, and it was quite eye opening to have to acknowledge to myself, my own fears, weaknesses, bad judgement and guilt.
Hope to hear more from you, we are listening.
Yes, you do need to move on, but before you run off and find a good guy, I would suggest you take a time out and get to know yourself again. Living in addiction we tend to lose ourselves, and often we go from the pan to the fire, we end up in the same dead end situation.
For future reference, I would make a list of qualities that you are looking for in a partner, and I would hold myself to that list. You certainly know what you NEVER want to experience again.
IMHO, you are giving this other woman way too much power and control over your thoughts. Forget about her, she is a NON-ISSUE, you are not helping yourself if you are dwelling on her character, or lack of character.
If you really want to move forward, I can only suggest you forget about both of them, and turn your focus inward. YOU are the one that is currently hurting, you are the one searching for answers, You are the one trying to go forward here, not him, and not her.
I had to get real honest with myself. Like you, I was hurting and pissed, but when I accepted my role in living aboard the crazy train, the hurt began to fade, the person I was most upset with was ME, and it was quite eye opening to have to acknowledge to myself, my own fears, weaknesses, bad judgement and guilt.
Hope to hear more from you, we are listening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Castle rock
Posts: 10
I did not know anything about alcoholism when I met him. I thought, I partied in my youth and quit--no problem. Well it took a lot of years researching to finally know what alcoholism is. And, when I came to full revalation of the severity of the addiction/disease and what he did, I knew I had no choice but to cut all ties and move on. I really don't care about the other girl--he is a brain damaged idiot to go back to her. It was just mind bending the irrationality of his choices--but that's addiction now isn't it. Took me awhile to GRASP the alcoholics mind set! But I finally did. It is so unlike the rational brain. They are brain damaged and out of their mind per say as "active alkie". It is really sad and tragic for all around them especially their children.
Me, I am doing pretty well. I am concentrating on me and have not dated for the 5 months to get my emotions and head in check. I think I am ready to date casually and carefully. Having fun with friends and family and working on my business. Time will take care of the rest.
Me, I am doing pretty well. I am concentrating on me and have not dated for the 5 months to get my emotions and head in check. I think I am ready to date casually and carefully. Having fun with friends and family and working on my business. Time will take care of the rest.
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