Ifeelcrazy

this is a repost because I am trying to find the right forum for my issue. A bit about my situation. I am not a drinker, never really have been. Maybe a glass of wine with a fancy dinner once in a blue moon. I enjoy social interactions and am one of those people who can go to bbq's or birthday parties, bars and not a drink and still be very social and fun. So I don't need anything to be a part of a social setting. I am a leader at work. I am an educated professional. I do go to work everyday, I am a mom and take care of 2 (11/7y girls), I am domesticated and make sure all the wheels are turning to make my home functional. I work at keeping myself attractive or at least I think I am doing the female part to making myself desirable at home. I reconnected with a past/high school love. He has always been a part of my life, even when we were living 20y without contact. He has always burned a flame. When we reconnected, he was sober. AND I LOVE THE SOBER MAN..... DEEPLY! Now I am living with the exact opposite of the person I love and somehow he has makes me feel like it is me and our life without saying that. He is a runner and always removes himself from an environment when he becomes uncomfortable or maybe depressed. That is his MO for coping. I do have a very stable life and love deeply. I have not locked him into staying, but I won't cheer him on to leave. He thinks the grass is always greener, well at least that is what I have put together for the last 20y that I was not in his life. Life events make him relapse. His mom passed away a year ago and it has been very hard for him to let go of the mommy issues and anger and somehow now the fingers are on our "very stable, very loving home". I am a supporter of whatever he needs to do to be healthy, he resists any words or actions from me. He is irritated, resentful, agitated and angry with me. I have not pushed or made demands on him, knowing that that has to be done or asked for by him(ei drinking or get help) not me. He has been sober for going on 3.5 weeks. He quit the out patient program after 1 day saying "he is not that far in the rabbit hole" and he will do some more natural alternative spiritual healings. (raised old school hippie) He has purchased some healing online videos and uses his all natural healer sister that he has been disconnected with for 20y as his life line for recovery. So I hope you got my background. My real issue is why he is withdrawing from me and our home. This is the only real stable environment he has ever had. (info from putting all his past pieces together) not to mention He has a handful of supporters..maybe. I am trying to give him space and keep from getting him agitated. He at this stage keeps saying that it is that he isn't attracted to me and that is what has made him drink to deal. I don't mean to toot my horn...but I have been told many many times I am easy on the eyes and I do get looks and asked out too. So why that avenue and is that or can that really be true??? It is so hurtful and makes me feel so inadequate. And then I read and is that just an excuse because is brain is cloudy and he cant function. He doesn't seem to have a problem with me in the bedroom, other than disconnect because he is/was drinking and now this. Is he claiming to need to be alone or in his own space away from me part of recovery? Is this common out there??? phew sorry so long

nbay2013

Hi There, I have a couple questions; sorry if I missed this somehow. How long was he sober before moving in with you and your daughters? I am not really clear on his drinking history.

Ifeelcrazy

He was sober over a year before getting together with me. He was sober with us together for 2y. so sober for 3ish of years 2 together sober and the last year not so much. Relapse started last year at this time when his mom died. My daughter are sober too. LOL Drinking has been his coping with life for 25y. thanks

nbay2013

So he has a long history of addiction/drinking; so the first thing I would have to point out is this has zero to do with you. His implying he drinks for ANY reason except for being in relapse and being an alcoholic is what we call "quacking" He is trying to take the focus off his drinking and onto the relationship. At this point, given his history you don't really know what is going on, if he sober or going off alone to drink. In any case, you have zero control over what he chooses to do. When you re-connected with him, he was a newbie to sobriety. Keep that in mind for your expectations.

I am sure more people will come along and give their advice on this situation. I have only been away from my Ex-AB for three months and am still educating myself. HOWEVER, would suggest you start going to Al-Anon for support and learning as much as you can about alcoholism.